RobertBobDobbs

Item: SCP-6003 - 'Standard Operating Procedure - SOP'

Note: REVISED CATEGORIZATION¹

NOTE TWO: If you are reading this for the first time, skip to Addendum D IMMEDIATELY – READ NO FURTHER. DO NOT REMOVE THIS NOTE FOR IMPROPER FORMATTING.

Object Class: Keter

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-6003 must be kept in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet in the disused janitorial station on sublevel B.

SCP-6003-1 (by necessity) must be kept in an access restricted, climate controlled concrete room directly adjacent to building main electrical utility service entrance’s switchgear room.

On a monthly basis, a ‘remote annunciator’ (currently located in Dr. Galvani’s office) will indicate the ‘service interval’ has been reached, and the ‘Monthly Maintenance SOP’ must be performed.

Description: This procedure must be completed absolutely correctly, utilizing precisely selected Class-D personnel² that have no understanding of the task, the underlying domain of knowledge (in SCP-6003-1's case, electrical or facilities management). As described in the SOP, failure to properly perform maintenance activities will result in a ÞK-class end-of-world event.

Sending qualified personnel to perform the procedures as specified in the SOP results in a fatal outcome. Having qualified personal perform the procedures correctly (e.g. by utilizing industry standard procedures and protocols and deviating from the Standard Operating Procedures as detailed in SCP-6003) results in a fatal outcome. Only a specially selected individual may perform the procedure as specified in the SOP. Failure to do so results in a fatal outcome. How to select the individual is not identified in the SOP.

All fatal outcomes result in catastrophic consequences to Foundation operations.

Item appears as an older, slightly worn and 3-ring bound set of 'Standard Operating Procedures - Maintenance, Central UPS, Monthly' for site specific engineering space electrical UPS (Uninterruptible Power Supply) equipment. Otherwise known as the 'SOP', and pronounced as three separate letters (i.e. S-O-P).

As item SCP-6003 will integrate itself into the sites power distribution system, cannot be disconnected at this time, the noted WARNINGS and ALARMS generated by the device should maintenance activities not be performed, and the estimation of an MK-class event possibility in the case of failure of the device, it is vital to follow the maintenance SOP at determined intervals.

However, anyone reading the SOP will find a structured set of plausible activities that are either impossible to perform (often resulting in logical impossibilities 'turn the RED button to the left, while depressing the lever clockwise in a smooth pulling motion') or result in lethal consequences for personnel performing the procedure as described.

The only currently known way to successfully perform the Maintenance tasks described by the Standard Operating Procedures is to send in a sufficiently (yet not highly) intelligent and emotionally healthy individual, who has been instructed that the task is vital, extremely important, must be performed accurately and quickly (yet not with undue haste), and that the consequences of error will result in catastrophic consequences for the facility and most likely themselves personally.

It is of significant importance to ensure the subject is sufficiently apprehensive, uneducated, and slightly incompetent generally. There must be apprehension and distrust of their ability to successfully perform the task. However in no cases must this lead to refusal or premature termination of the procedure as specified in the SOP, as this will lead to an invariably fatal outcome.

It is recommended to review the SOP with the subject before the task is to be performed, in order to quickly and efficiently execute the SOP, and to heighten apprehension in those not sufficiently nervous and confused. An abbreviated, double time review of the document with the subject by a short-tempered Management-level supervisor³ that is incapable of personally performing tasks in the SOP (indeed, having no prior knowledge of the SOP) is suggested as the most productive scenario. In no case is the Management level resource to express anything but their own complete familiarity and comprehension of the SOP and all referenced tasks, mild condescension toward the subject for failure to immediately comprehend the SOP in its entirety⁴, and to answer no direct questions. However, encouraging the subject with 'It will all make sense when you get in there', and a hearty, encouraging slap on the back before a quick exit has been demonstrated to improve successful task completion (defined as: at maintenance task completion SCP-6003 is without visible or auditory alarms, the maintenance interval counter reset, and the subject exiting the room alive) by 63%.

While (non)termination of Class-D subjects may not generally be considered of primary importance⁵ , in this specific case, termination of the subject during SCP-6003-1 maintenance operations results in a significantly less desirable outcome, bordering on catastrophic. This will result in the next stage of the SCP-6003 process – the ‘After Action Review’ (or AAR). The After-Action Review process will be followed by a 'revision' of the Standard Operating Procedures, which in practice will result in a complete rewrite.

Instructions will be found in a newly appearing (yet still as worn as the rest of the document) ‘Appendix A’ of the SOP and composes several hundred pages of detailed instructions for the execution of the review. Attempting to read the Appendix acts as a medium-strength soporific, regardless of type or dosage of common stimulants⁶. However, the Appendix itself has proven to be invariant, and successful execution of the Appendix is summarized⁷ below.

The AAR committee is formed of:

- One Senior Researcher with significant Subject Matter Expertise in Electrical and Facilities infrastructure, they MUST have extensive familiarity with either the International Code Council (ICC) or National Fire Protection Association (NFPA) controlling electrical, generation, automatic transfer switching, fire suppression, arc flash, and battery room code requirements documents (preferably both organizations). They SHOULD possess both broad and deep experience with SCP-6003 specifically – in short, the most qualified person available to execute this SCP⁸.

- Nine Site Managers from locations that lack facilities of sufficient size to warrant installation of infrastructure of such size and complexity, and where the native language differs from that of the hosting site⁹. This is usually best accomplished with all required Management staff having English as a second Language, with varying degrees of comfort in both spoken and written form and being required to communicate solely in English – even when members may share fluency in a different common tongue.

It is important that the Researcher with experience MUST NOT be allowed to speak, illustrate, or meaningfully contribute in any way to the actual work product¹⁰. The after-action review committee must meet in the presence of SCP-6003 with the current operations manual once. The group will discuss the SOP, command the Researcher to demonstrate operation, and assiduously ignore any demonstrations or illustrations provided. This is best accomplished by way of unrelated side conversations, observing and examining equipment in the area that they have no operational (or casual) knowledge of, or checking email and/or texting family and friends. The group will then adjoin to a conference room and spend the balance of the morning determining lunch and obtaining identical receipts for the entire meal for each team members expense report¹¹.

During the afternoon session, the committee will find the SOP incorrect, and suggest changes to the SOP to ensure we 'Operationalize our strategies', 'Invest in world-class technology', 'And leverage our core competencies', while 'Effectively holistically enhancing corporate and organizational synergy' ' and utilizing 'applied interdisciplinary knowledge-based decision making' at a minimum. Between 2 to 5 other (the exact number is indeterminate, and may be driven by other, currently undetermined metrics) current professional Management forward looking jargon statements, to be found in any business periodical obtained from an airport gift shop¹². This must be delivered in a written report (drafted by a preferably unpaid intern¹³ who lacks subject matter expertise in SCP-6003, and lacks any mid-level Management skills) and appended to the SOP by way of insertion to the rear of the binder¹⁴. This is one of two event triggers that will cause the binder to have the rings able to be separated for insertion of material.

After a suitable length AAR is created (to ensure an appropriate amount of effort has been expended on a fatal event, take at least 36 hours to turn this around¹⁵). Take the completed document to Dr. Galvani’s office, use the provided red 747 stapler to bind the pages¹⁶, and file the completed AAR in Dr. Galvani’s office in lieu of circulation to the working group. The filing in an unrelated and inaccessible location to anyone with possible access to the SOP is the next triggering event.

At this point, both the Remote Annunciator Panel (RAP) and SCP-6003-1 will enter a ‘NON_MASKABLE RED ALARM’ condition, and a 72-hour countdown commences. Maintenance operations must be completed by the end of this window¹⁷. Senior Researcher assigned to the AAR group must begin revisions to the SOP with all due haste.

It is vitally important that the instructions are COMPLETELY revised¹⁸ yet contain an identical amount of structured content that is completely convincing on a quick Managerial overview, yet cannot possibly be executed. In essence, it is vital to write the exact same document completely differently in an extremely limited timeframe.

A consistent issue with successful task completion, is that any Researcher competent enough to perform the assigned editorial revisions under severe time pressure inadvertently inserts correct, factual, and illuminating information. IN NO CASE IS THE SOP TO CONTAIN CLEAR INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO PERFORM THE PROCEDURE. This will result in an invariably fatal outcome.

The catastrophic consequences of this cannot be overstated.

In the event there is a fatal outcome, the AAR process must begin anew. This places the Foundation under severe financial and logistical difficulty, as significant Managerial time must be devoted to an AAR. Management time is under severe constraint, and pulling Management personnel into ANY Operational activity is extremely hazardous, breaks down reporting relationships, and results in the loss of Management resources during the event as well as time off in lieu of pay to meet core HR personnel utilization metrics¹⁹. The current best performance was by Researcher Ishmael, completing a successfully executed SOP in 3 rewrite attempts. As such, a significant bonus²⁰ will be granted for improvement upon this metric. Taking more than 3 attempts will result in significant and escalating penalties to the Researcher, including Departmental and Site bonus structure and holiday rotation scheduling.

Addendum A: In order to put an end to the ‘edit war’ that has broken out regarding classification of the instantiated object generating the SOP, or the SOP causing the instantiation – let it be known the current Administration classifies the SOP as the primary. We will take a moment here to explain the reasoning, it is understood if you disagree. You concern is appreciated and noted, however reverting this document to the object and not the SOP as primary will be cause of disciplinary action²¹. No more Researcher or Management time can be spent on this debate, both views have supporters, but this is how we will move forward.

It is believed that the SOP is primary, as it’s close association to many memetic corruption viruses and reality distortion effects. It is currently believed that at certain levels of bureaucratic complexity, SCP-6003 is attracted to the memetic complex generated by the Enterprise Architecture, Public and Private rules and regulations, operations / security / billing procedures, manuals, EIEMO (Emergency, Incident, Exception, Maintenance, and Operation) SOP’s generation, Risk Analysis, DR/BCP (Disaster Recovery and Business Continuity Planning) preparation, and computer center datacenter migration, failover, cloudification, and interfacing with the Internet of Things, Cellular telephony, VPN’s, cryptographic key generation and management, and proper filing of TPS reports²².

If, as is currently believed, SCP-6003 ‘latches onto’ this preexisting memetic complex and seamlessly inserts itself into the organizational bureaucratic and operations documentation. This results in the ‘spontaneous generation’ (or, quite possibly, the issuing of a standard Purchase Order for the quite ordinary equipment, which is then corrupted by the SOP and process) of the resulting technological artifact. By viewing it in this manner, we are able to create procedures for search efforts to identify SOP’s that exhibit the anomalous structure. This directly implies the probability that technological instantiations of SCP-6003-1 may not always be datacenter grade UPS equipment yet could be any sufficiently complex equipment found in the modern enterprise. Be on the lookout and cross-check with current copies of SCP-6003, as in many cases it is (at best) challenging to determine if any given SOP possessed by most large Enterprise operations is, in fact, legitimate.

Addendum B: After exposure to SCP-6003, it is believed that memetic contamination may occur, resulting in needlessly complex, verbose, detailed, and otherwise overwritten procedures to be generated by Research and/or Management personnel. The aggregate time expenditure in executing containment procedures (especially those resulting from a primary breach resulting in execution of the AAR process) is extremely expensive, and additional time in analysis to craft exhaustive SCP procedures results in significant financial and resource impact to the Foundation and must be controlled for.

See Document THX-1138-SCP6003-RSCTRL for procedures to craft updated SCP-6003/SCP-6003-1 (and potentially SCP-6003-X, if additional memetic infections are found in the wild) documents, and THX-1138-SCP6003-CLSCTRL for structuring the document repository to track SCP-6003-X documents if and when this proves to be the case.

Addendum C: During an indexing effort of SCP’s, I have come across this document. It, and the related documentation all seem to be in order, and indeed are hard to argue against (they are detailed and apparently factually correct). However (as I have had no direct contact with SCP-6003 itself) I feel the need to point out that personnel required to write this document may be under the influence of SCP-6003 and unknowingly begin to structure their prose in the fashion warned against. This may mean the subjects themselves are suffering from memetic infection or otherwise influenced. – Dr. Gawande

Addendum D: Hey, I just read the end of this (Addendum C, when asked by Dr. Gawande to ‘perform an authorized SME peer review of documentation before inclusion in existent operational procedure manuals’ – I think this meant he wanted me to proof what he just wrote) and I think that even reading this SCP ABOUT whatever 6003 is… might result in memetic infection. Dr. Gawande doesn’t usually write (or talk) like that, he is more of a ‘Checklist’ kinda guy. I was the one who put the note at the front – if you skipped to here and MUST read this to do the SCP, I think you might end up infected. Or primed for infection, or this has become a vector for infection? I obviously don’t know and I’ve got no way of finding out as this isn’t my area of expertise. So, if you are just doing familiarization and background with SCP’s – STOP READING NOW. If you have to read it, I suppose you must, but I can’t read this SCP to figure out how to contact whoever YOU might need to contact to treat whatever possible infection you might pick up, so I can put that info in this note. You might want to check with HR. So, uh, good luck. – Researcher Donovan

Footnotes

1. NOTE: THIS CATEGORIZATION HAS BEEN REVISED. Initial examination and interactions with SCP-6003/6003-1 resulted in the evaluation of the specific technological instantiation as the primary object/phenomenon driving the creation of the SOP. This however is not the case and may have important implications for identification of similar manifestations in the wild. SEE ADDENDUM A before making any classification changes.

2. Or, if in an emergency or contingency operation, another Staff or Research member, or conceivably a civilian (in extremis).

3. Preferably at least the Department head or even Site Management is useful in this communication to provide an excessive difference in the power dynamic.

4. This includes situations where the subject has not been able to read the SOP. In fact, this is highly suggested to improve performance. Attempt to place the subject on the defensive by assuming they have read it and ignoring any pleas or interjections to the contrary.

5. Please note that resources are neither infinite nor free, conserving resources is both good ecologically and for the Departmental bottom-line and should be generally respected to improve organizational financial and resource deployment agility.

6. Research and security staff are to be commended for the exhaustive single-paragraph reading and conceptual translation marathons undertaken until this could be proven to be the case.

7. It is important to understand the SOP itself does not describe the composition in this manner, the composition has been determined to be the most effective at assuring the desired outcome. Composition of SOP instructions in a clear and concise manner (such as in the SCP document you are perusing) will result in fatal outcomes and concomitant catastrophic consequences for all involved.

8. NOT to be confused with execution of the SOP, this will result in a fatal outcome.

9. As per the AAR, this seems to be the best way to ensure ‘cross-organizational stakeholder buy-in to shared resource synergies throughout our diverse workforce’.

10. The Researcher may fetch coffee, donuts, act as scribe, and actuate the slide forward key for all Microsoft® PowerPoint presentations given by Management staff in any meetings moving forward.

11. Please note that HR is aware of the duplicate receipt requirement, and while receipts must be submitted for reimbursement in full (to fulfill the requirements of SCP-6003), no such receipts will be paid as submitted. Each will be converted to the standard per diem rate for Federal Government employees with the local price rate modification as established each fiscal year and published in the United States Federal Register unless this conflicts with your reporting sites HR meal expense reimbursement policy. If this is the case, please see HR circular 'EXP-1723-005-SCP-MOD1' and write 'I do not think I should have to pay for pineapple on pizza when it is obviously an abuse of both pineapple and pizza' in the section regarding 'Ammunition and gunsmithing consumables', to ensure correct processing of your expense claim. Please use a separate form for each separate meeting (as required) and do not modify the topping from pineapple. Due to data processing constraints the lookup code for pineapple as lethal ammunition in the EXP-1723-###-SCO-XXXX filings to represent this exception is the only entry available in the current version of the database. We should not have to explain that forms must be filled out as described in all bulletins regardless if they make immediate sense to you at the time. – Director Lumbergh

12. This is the easiest way to obtain the documents, as Management may traverse a suitable terminal during transport to the AAR meeting.

13. This is obviously challenging in our organization, however many community colleges may provide willing personnel. Administer appropriate memory wiping protocols upon task completion. Provide the evaluation response form with ‘Average’ for all categories, except ‘remembers tasks and demonstrates organizational skills’ with is rated below average. As the intern will be unable to remember details contrary to this evaluation, it provides a more consistent public image for the front organization as a ‘no nonsense outfit’.

14. Do note that Management is aware of the possibility that this situation may be regarded by junior personnel as possibly ironic, especially those detailed to upkeep of this or related SCP's. Please be advised that the time taken by you to resolve this situation is noted by the Management staff who have travelled great distances at short notice to ensure this protocol is executed correctly. As Management is collectively responsible for work assignments, vacation scheduling, and promotions, (and strive to keep collegial during Management retreats to foster such discussions) performance that is evaluated to be subpar may ensure an even fresher hell for you to inhabit after the completion of your Magnum Opus, as it were. - Dr. Galvani

15. Please note, absolutely no overtime is authorized for unpaid interns as a matter of policy. They need to focus on developing time-management skills as part of a challenging internship

16. REMOVAL OF THIS ITEM from Dr. Galvani’s office will result in SEVERE CONSEQUENSES – you have been warned.

17. To date, we have a perfect success rate in meeting the 72-hour Recovery Point Objective.

18. No more than 10% reuse, mostly of structure and of grammatical connectives (e.g. and, but, or, nor, if and only if, etc).

19. Attempting to pay out in overtime charges Management personnel is not possible due to the multinational character of the AAR working group and multiple conflicting regulations and accounting structures used at Foundation sites. It was found that granting all Management time off (calculated from receipt of communication to participate in the SCP-6003-AAR-MGMT activity to final submission of all receipts upon return to their assigned station) to compensate for their trauma regarding short-notice travel and lunch expense filing exceptions was less expensive than attempting per-site reconciliation of the AAR working group’s activities. Additionally, in order to do this, the SCP-6003-AAR-MGMT activity would have to be treated as a separate project. This creates certain difficulties in how to chargeback multisite Management personnel time, and which organization would be responsible for managing the reconciliation process. While the site itself would have to assume charges related to SCP-6003-AAR-MGNT activity, it in turn would have to bill each site separately as a counterparty to the reconciliation activity billing determination process. This is obviously suboptimal from an whole-body organizational synergistic capabilities viewpoint.

20. Time off in lieu of pay for the billable hours for the successful draft (the failed attempts will not be counted), submissions in excess of 2 hours will be subject to audit.

21. Any time billed against the project to make any such revisions will be rejected as an invalid billing code and count against productivity metrics on both the quarterly and yearly bonus structure. You have been warned.

22. Management cannot stress enough, regardless of possible risk factors in attracting a possible instance of SCP-6003, TPS reporting cannot be neglected nor delayed for any reason. Weekend billing codes have been provided for TPS reporting activities if necessary.