sarc

CAPTION-GOES-HERE

Item #: SCP-XXXX

Object Class: Safe

**Description:*SCP-XXXX is to be kept and maintained in a standard object containment cell, with cameras recording all footage while SCP-XXXX is in use. As per guidelines provided in the attached user’s care guide that was recovered along with SCP-XXXX, the plastic body of the telephone is to be polished and cleaned on a monthly basis. The receiver extension attached to the base of the device is to receive special care during this cleaning process, and must be cleaned using the provided polishing oil, SCP-XXXX-01, labelled as “Dr. Gavin’s Plastic Polish”. Bottles of SCP-XXXX-01 materialize next to SCP-XXXX at random once per a 3 month cycle, granted if the previous bottle of polish is more than half empty. Experiments attempting to discover the source of SCP-XXXX-01’s materialization have proved inconclusive and do not merit further study.

The body of the device has been found to be able to be cleaned using regular polishing materials with little negative effect on the quality of calls conducted by SCP-XXXX. However, SCP-XXXX-01 should be used when possible, and only reserved for use solely on the receiver extension when supply of SCP-XXXX-01 reaches below ¼ of a bottle within the 3 month period.

Use of SCP-XXXX and subsequent cleaning and maintenance is to be carried out by personnel with a level 2 clearance or higher, and the entrance into SCP-XXXX’s containment cell is to be guarded by no more than 2 security personnel at a time.
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SCP-XXXX appears to be a standard Ericsson Bakelite model rotary phone with a custom built receiver device implanted on the back of the body, unseen in all other models of the Ericsson rotary phone. This extension is believed to be the source of SCP-XXXX’s anomolous ability to call any number available in the year 1967, and has proven to call without fail to civilian phone lines, government offices, [DATA EXPUNGED], and even SCP foundation phone lines to all branches that were present in 1967. Authorization was requested to attempt to remove the receiver extension from SCP-XXXX to further study its anomalous effects, but at the time of writing has been denied, as the study of calls made through SCP-XXXX have been determined to be more useful to foundation research than the risk of permanently destroying SCP-XXXX’s ability to call into alternate timelines.

All calls that are made with SCP-XXXX cannot be directly dialed to their respective phone lines, but must first instead be carried out through an entity known as SCP-XXXX-02, identifying themselves as “The Dispatcher”. The Dispatcher will prompt the user to select a number 1-6 to determine what dimension the call will be forwarded to. Refer to Addendum 01 for call logs documenting conversations with SCP-XXXX-02.

Addendum: [Optional additional paragraphs]

All calls that are made with SCP-XXXX cannot be directly dialed to their respective phone lines, but must first instead be carried out through an entity known as SCP-XXXX-02, identifying themselves as “The Dispatcher”. The Dispatcher will prompt the user to select a number 1-6 to determine what dimension the call will be forwarded to. Refer to Addendum 01 for call logs documenting conversations with SCP-XXXX-02.

After patching a call through The Dispatcher, if a user on the other line picks up the call, users of SCP-XXXX are able to hold a conversation lasting between 2-3 minutes on average with the user on the other end, before a variety of Black Level extinction events occur and eradicate almost all sentient life in SCP-XXXX’s timeline. The list of catalogued extinction events have been recorded as follows:
Dimension 1: Nuclear holocaust- Multiple cases of simultaneous safety failures on all nuclear devices, causing immediate destruction and eradication of all living creatures in the immediate blast zone. If a call was dialed into an area not affected by the initial blast, calls can be carried on past the normal 3 minute time limit. However, due to panic responses from users on the other end of SCP-XXXX most calls are dropped as the users flee. SCP facility ███ has proven to be a reliable source of information on the events following the nuclear fallout, given that users of SCP-XXXX are able to clear the security protocols before the blasts commence.
(Note: As per standard interdimensional communications policy, security protocols are only to be completed after a minimum interrogation period of 1 hour is undergone by the contacting party. This method of contact can only be carried out by a senior researcher Dr. ███████████ who is to speak to her younger self, who will violate protocol and allow herself to stay on the line and maintain contact with SCP facility ███ after the blast. The longest recorded call stands at 7 months, 19 days, and 2 hours where after the call is dropped due to facility generators running out of reserve fuel. Events described by SCP facility ███ are consistent with modern scientists predictions of timeline events occurring after world wide nuclear devastation. No anomalous events are reported after the detonations. Dr. ███████████ is to be terminated from faculty employment and administered Class A amnestics as well as undergo memory reassignment therapy after research into this version of SCP-XXXX’s timeline is completed.)
Dimension 2: Planetary collision- Through several surviving calls into this dimension, researchers were able to determine that the most probable cause of extinction in this timeline is due to the earth colliding with an unforeseen celestial body travelling at incredible speed. Compiling users called in this dimension will, when prompted, look into the sky and describe what appears to be a small black speck slowly engulfing the sky. This process takes approximately 30 seconds before the shadow of the approaching entity completely engulfs the visible skyline, suggesting the celestial being is considerably larger than earth itself. Mere seconds after the entity overtakes the skyline, a split second of noise described by researchers as “an impossibly loud crashing sound” can be heard through the receiver before line is disconnected. It is believed that this noise is the result of the celestial being colliding with earth. After

Addendum 01: [Optional additional paragraphs]