Per 
Item Number: SCP-5001
Object Class: Keter
Special Containment Procedures: Toss the bloody thing into the deepest darkest cesspit you can find, toss SCP-096 down there with it, and bring both it's mangled sodding corpse to my desk and SCP-096 back in containment. I want the bugger dead before I have an aneurysm.
Description: SCP-5001-J is the most annoying son of a bitch on this god forsaken planet, and knowing it's still alive causes me immense stress while I'm on facility grounds. Despite my ocean of anger and hatred seeping from my pores and into my office floor, I will attempt to stay somewhat professional, never mind the dark red stains on the page. This cheeky cunt that dares inhale and exhale the same air as us is a 1.2192 m tall repugnant gremlin creature with shit stain brown skin and 16th century piss and vomit colored garb. It's sentient, and enjoys tormenting every living creature in it's line of sight by bouncing around and speaking in an annoying British accent while proclaiming to be on a mission to ''Perfect me jig!'' in my professional opinion, SCP-5001-J is a lying sack of shit who should be put down by security staff and/or any Euclid or Keter class SCP. If you're killing some of our staff while you escape you better take this little shit with you, OTHERWISE I WILL PERSONALLY RIP OUT YOUR [REDACTED] After SCP-5001-J's disappointing encounter with SCP-682; and as suggested by Human Resources with one single member of the O5 Council; I'll be taking anger management classes as to prevent further manic outbursts of logical anger, and I suggest the proof reader wash their hands.
Editor's note: For one I printed the document on a separate piece of paper so the reader wouldn't have to worry about the stain. Secondly after seeing the page come into my inbox via D-Class personnel, I had the same D-Class place it in the lamination machine while I came to the revelation that most of the scientists here are germaphobes, though this claim has no evidence as of now. That D-Class is now under quarantine.
Interview with SCP-5001-J:
Interviewer: Dr. Melone
Date: [REDACTED]
Dr. Melone: Good Morning SCP-5001-J
SCP-5001-J: Good morrow to ye as well, kind fellow.
Dr. Melone: Please call me Doctor. Now today I'm here to ask of your origin, where you came from, how you came from it, etc.
SCP-5001-J: Ah, a plague doth curse me rich and happy memory. I know not me origin, for me mind has only so much space in it for the good times of trickery. But fret not Doctor, I can recall the simple days when men walketh with arched backs and enlarged brows. (Under his breath) Not mention a more saucy folk.
Dr. Melone: I see.
(Doctor Melone takes notes of the theory that SCP-5001-J has been waltzing around long before the human race, I can only pray for the prehistoric bastards that had to put up with him. Suddenly the cheeky bugger hops up on the table while pointing to the clock.)
SCP-5001-J: Good heavens, 'tis the prick of noon. The Dragon is in dire need of comedy!
Dr. Melone: Dragon? (A face of dread falls quickly upon his face as SCP-5001-J hops on over to the vent and pulls of the grate.)
SCP-5001-J: I bid thee farewell, may our paths once more intersect good doctor!
(The walking blood clot flies into the vent at alarming speeds. Dr. Melone stands right up)
Dr. Melone: HE'S HEADING AFTER SCP-682, GET EVERYONE OUT OF HERE WHILE WE STILL HAVE A CHANCE!!!
[End log.]
The Big Encounter:
If I'm being perfectly honest, for once I actually rooted for the oversized salamander. Well at least we can terminate SCP-682 if pestered enough by our toddler sized twat.
There is a video link attached, clicking it shows the outbreak in it's entirety through cobbled together security cam footage, these are the events:
SCP-5001-J scuttles on screen, turns around, and proceeds to tap dance at the speed equivalent to sub machine gun fire while gleefully saying ''Hee Hee! Have at you, hostile pig! Thine chase shall improve me jig!
SCP-682 yells off screen ''SILENCE YOU INSUFFERABLE TWIT!!
SCP-682 comes barreling forwards as SCP-5001-J leaps high above it's massive form as SCP-682 crashes into the wall. This seems to continue on for another 10 minutes, all the while SCP-682 uses very colorful language and slangs and slurs so offense I won't type them out. Near the end SCP-682 lies on the ground with 48 tranquilizer darts the size of pickup trucks sticking out of his back with SCP-5001-J standing a solid meter away. ''Why that was the most exiting maelstrom of mischief I have performed in over a millennia! What a entertaining cohort you turned out to be!''
SCP-682 snorts. ''Come closer and I'll show you a true maelstrom.''
SCP-5001-J waves his finger saying ''Tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk. Spit fire ye do, for a fallen foe.''
''Oh yeah?'' SCP-682 sticks it's tongue out as far as it can, barley even getting to SCP-5001-J, who jumps out of shot after he tips his hat and before MTF soldiers arrive saying something about tranquilizer darts made for SCP-682. The lizard lets out one more slur before he passes out, causing an MTF private to slap it's snout.
Word around the office, it costed the Foundation $500,000 per dart. Plus additional funding for the lunches of the workers and insurance.
Addendum: The snot walker decided to pester SCP-049 and -079, the latter of which I envy because it could delete the gremlin from it's memory. Personally the annoyance from this thing is starting to make my wrists hurt from how violently I type this out. I'll keep posted if the verbose stse decides to do something interesting.
