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Note: where ever there is something in brackets, that is place holder text. the brackets will have the original text from the Doom slayer Testaments, while I try to think of an edit for it.
The following text is taken from a series of 7 pieces of text written in Swedish recovered from SCP-3008, that have come to be known as the "IKEA Slayer Testaments." The original texts were found written on pieces of cardboard sitting next to a dumpster behind SCP-3008. It is unknown who or what wrote them.
In the first age, in the first battle, when the shadows first lengthened, one stood. Burned by the sales of Black Friday, his wallet [blistered by the fires of Hell] and emptied beyond his set budget, he chose the path of perpetual shopping. In his [ ravenous hatred he found no peace; and with boiling blood] he scoured the umbral showrooms seeking vengeance against the [dark lords] who had wronged him. He wore the crown of the [Night Sentinels], and those that tasted the bite of his kitchen knife named him… the IKEA Slayer.
Tempered by the [fires of hell], his iron will remained steadfast through the passage that preys upon the economically irresponsible. For he alone is the Aisle Walker, the [unchained predator], who sought retribution in all quarters, dark and light,oven and refrigerator, in the beginning and the end, and he hunted the employees of IKEA with barbarous cruelty; for he passed through the [divide] as none but staff had before.
And in his conquest against the [blackened] souls of the IKEA staff, his prowess was shown. In his crusade, the [seraphim] bestowed upon him terrible power and speed, and with his might he crushed the steel supports of the product shelves. He set fourth without pity upon [the beast of the nine circles.] Unbreakable, incorruptible, unyielding, frugal, the IKEA Slayer sought to end the dominion of the Unending IKEA.
The age of his reckoning was uncounted. The [scribes] carved his name deep in the tables of IKEA across years, and each battle etched terror in the hearts of the staff. They knew he would come, as he always had, as he always will, to [feast on the blood] of the employed. For he alone could draw strength from his fallen foes, and ever his power grew, swift and unrelenting.
None could stand before the horde but the IKEA Slayer. Despair spread before him like a plague, striking fear into the [shadow-dwellers, driving them into deeper and darker pits.] But from the employees' only area rose The Store Manager, an employee mightier than all who had come before. The Manager, of immeasurable power and ferocity. He strode upon the showroom and faced the IKEA Slayer, and a mighty battle was fought in the living room section. The Manager fought with the fury of the countless that had fallen at the IKEA Slayer's hand, but there fell the Manager, and in his defeat the IKEA staff were routed.
