Per 
Item #: SCP-XXXX
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXXX is to be kept at Site-3878 in a bedroom with required basic amenities and allowed limited access to the facility premises under surveillance of at least one staff personnel. The site itself and the subject must be under constant surveillance from security cameras by site-1515.
Description: SCP-XXXX is a male Caucasian 1,71m meters tall identified by the name of Joshua Simmons. Subject's appearance is of an unremarkable young adult with hazel brown hair and marine blue eyes, with a spoken preference for casual clothes.
SCP-XXXX is the center of an approximate 5km radial field which affect any living being and object within range, provoking the apparition and/or exaggeration of certain personality traits and distortion of probability, consequently creating situations similar to ones seen within scripts of sitcom programs. All effects disappear after being approximately 3 minutes out of the zone of influence without lingering side-effects, and a spoken bafflement due to full realization of one's behavior and situations they were in.
Any attempts to keep SCP-XXXX locked more than 12 hours or to put him in situations involving potential death ended in large containment breaches and loss of important, sensitive data. As such, SCP-XXXX is to be allowed controlled access to the facilities while being accompanied by a supervisor, preferably one that can be identified as a "straight man". Curiously, none of the occurred breaches had casualties to note.
When asked about the odd occurrences surrounding it, the subject express complete lack of awareness and confusion, repeatedly rebuffing questions relating directly to the anomaly it presents.
Appendix 1: Excerpt from Interview Log 324-02-1062, dated ██/██/████
<Begin Log>
Dr. Williams: Ugh, another day, another skip. Please give me a short introduction. Name, age, place of birth, gender, etcetera.
<SCP-XXXX remains silent.>
Dr. Williams: Gonna talk? Can't get this filled if you don't talk.
SCP-XXXX: Hey man…just, why I'm here? If it is about shoplifting candy, that was like, about a year ago, and it was only a bubble gum!
Dr. Williams: You stole a bubble gum?
SCP-XXXX: …Bubble gums.
Dr. Williams: How many?
SCP-XXXX: Uh, about 19?
Dr. Williams: You shoplifting basta-
SCP-XXXX: I like candy, okay?! Plus who's going to miss a few pieces of candy?Dr. Williams: I would.
SCP-XXXX: Well, I suppose you will have to deal with it.
<SCP-XXXX grabs a candy bar previously stashed within a pocket.>
Dr. Williams: Gimme that!
<Dr. Williams takes candy bar from SCP-XXXX.>
SCP-XXXX: That's my last candy bar!
Dr. Williams: Deal with it.
<SCP-XXXX engages in physical confrontation with Dr. Williams. Agents enter the room and break the fight through use of sedatives on both Dr. Williams and the subject. SCP-XXXX is escorted back to the containment unit.>
<End Log>
Appendix 2: Excerpt from Interview Log 325-10-2475, dated ██/██/████
<Begin Log>
Dr. Grant: So, I have several questions. First, how did you escape your containment unit? Second, why the fuck Dr. Williams has purple skin?
SCP-XXXX: I made friends with Charlie.
Dr. Grant: Charlie?
SCP-XXXX: Yeah, Charlie! You know, one of the guys in your security detail? Cool guy, except when jabbing a needle in your throat.
Dr. Grant: Uh-huh…
SCP-XXXX: That guy Williams stole a pack of Skittles from him, and he wanted help with revenge. So he opened my cell and I asked directions from the staff.
Dr. Grant: You asked for directions.
SCP-XXXX: Yup.
Dr. Grant: And people gave it to you.
SCP-XXXX: …Yes?
Dr. Grant: …Please continue.
SCP-XXXX: …So I still got lost anyway. But I found a room full of strange stuff.
Dr. Grant: And you got in.
SCP-XXXX: And I got in.
Dr. Grant: What kind of bullshit security we're running? Please continue.
SCP-XXXX: Hey. No insulting Jackson. He's cool. So I went in, and saw two scientists trying to hide a broken vial of green goo. Then I-
Dr. Grant: What broken vial of green goo?
SCP-XXXX: Uh, don't know? I saw the number 500 on a sticker.
Dr. Grant: …OH SHIT.
<Dr. Grant runs out of room.>
SCP-XXXX: …Does that mean I get to go home?
<SCP-XXXX is escorted back to the containment unit. Agents Charlie and Jackson are dismissed and sent to another site. Dr. █████ and █████ are unduly demoted for mishandling of Foundation sensitive material.>
<End Log>
Appendix 3: Excerpt from Interview Log 437-93-3167, dated ██/██/████
<Begin Log>
SCP-XXXX: Like…I just…shoplifted candy. It isn't that serious of a crime. Why I'm being kept here? Can't you guys get at least one vending machine around here?
<Major James enters the room, and shoots at SCP-XXXX with a 9×19mm. The bullet hits the area between his legs.>
SCP-XXXX: OH GOD!
Major James: HELLO.
SCP-XXXX: WHAT YA SHOOTING ME FOR?!
Major James: WHY SHOULDN'T I SHOOT YOU?! EVERY FUCKING TIME WE GET YOU OUT FOR INTERVIEW SOME SHIT HAPPENS. WILLIAMS IS A WALKING EGGPLANT, WE LOST EXPERIMENT █████, MY MEN ARE NOW DUMBASSES, MY GUNS KEEP MISFIRING, AND WE HAD 7 DIFFERENT CONTAINMENT BREACHES WHERE I ENDED UP LOOKING LIKE A FOOL WITH MY PANTS DOWN…LITERALLY!
SCP-XXXX: I mean, if you do remember to use a belt or tighter pants, maybe that wouldn't happen…"
Major James: SHUT UP. Worst of all…you made me miss The Walking Dead's season finale. And that's the straw that broke this camel's back.
SCP-XXXX: The Walking Dead? You watch that crap?
Major James: …RAAAAA-
<Major James discharges his gun, prompting the subject's escape. Major James is restrained, sedated and brought for interrogation. SCP-XXXX is found hidden under a table in the facility's break room, and returned to the containment unit.>
<End Log>
Appendix 4: Excerpt from Interview Log 555-87-1290, dated ██/██/████
<Begin Log>
<Dr. Grant places a radio in front of subject.>
SCP-XXXX: …Why I'm talking to a radio now?
Dr. Derek: Please state your name, age and place of birth.
SCP-XXXX: …No, really, why I'm talking to a radio-
Dr. Grant: Please answer the fucking radio before I call Major James to handle this.
SCP-XXXX: …Joshua Simmons. I'm, uh, 21 years old…born in Massachusetts.
Dr. Derek: Do you know why you are here?
SCP-XXXX: ….Shoplifting candy?
Dr. Derek: That is a no. You are here to be protected, and to be contained. You are owner of a power that you do not control, that you do not understand.
SCP-XXXX: …Shoplifting candy?
Dr. Grant: By the love of god keep your trap shut.
Dr. Derek: Until we fully discern the nature of your abilities, you shall be kept here. Basic amenities shall be provided, and you won't miss for company. Are we understood?
SCP-XXXX: I don't know…I mean, I-
<Dr. Grant reaches for another radio.>
Dr. Grant: Please call Major Ja-
SCP-XXXX: Yes yes yes just please keep that maniac away from me!
<End Log>
Memo from Dr. Grant: I know the guys at site-1515 must be having a blast entertaining themselves with our misfortune, but I swear, if I hear another proposition of turning us into a television show, I will get whoever funny guy is doing it and get them terminated as quick as possible. Or worse. Becoming this guy's newest "friend".
