The Funny Is Not Here

Item #: SCP-034-J

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: All personnel assigned to SCP-034-J must be cleared by the human resources department as asexual. Anyone with any sort of libido whatsoever is banned from knowing anything else.

Description: [Restricted]

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Item #: SCP-034-J

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: All personnel assigned to SCP-034-J must be cleared by the human resources department as asexual. Anyone with any sort of libido whatsoever is banned from knowing anything else. In order to make it as unlikely as possible for anyone to stumble upon SCP-034-J, the file it is kept in is to be labeled "Tales."¹

Any human that sees SCP-034-J and has not been given clearance to do so must be terminated immediately.

Description: SCP-034-J is a pencil sketch of an unnamed character on a piece of lined paper. It violates a fundamental rule of the universe by managing to simultaneously exist and have no pornography made of it.²
Any human with the ability to be horny will react to seeing SCP-034-J by attempting to rectify the flaw in the universe and create pornography of it, and as it is unknown what will occur in this event, it is to be prevented at all costs.³

Speculated consequences of failure include, but are not limited to: God being mad that we really fucked everything up, everyone becoming inconsolably horny forever, a general sense of "why are people so fucking weird" combined with disappointment, and everything ceasing to exist because our universe was actually a simulation designed to make porn of everything.

Footnotes

1. We don't have much of a budget for this one since we all agreed on getting a new coffee machine, so we had to be cost-efficient.

2. Rule 34

3. All costs within our budget that is. We can't like, nuke anything.