Instantly thinking this would work better as a Tale, unless you plan on using test logs to display what the D-Class are feeling. Even then, it's likely that your emotions are being shown through Foundation researchers rather than the D-Class themselves. Clinical tone can definitely be used to display emotion but it is by design a style of writing that is devoid of emotion. Repeatedly describing each D-Class's reaction to your anomaly is likely to become monotonous, even when your description of the final D-Class's emotions will differ.
Unless the D-Class not being briefed on their situation is particularly important to your story, you can delete that bit.
"Usually" disappear? Why not all the time? Are there conditions to who doesn't disappear?
The pocket dimension instantly makes me think of the Infinite Ikea. I'm still interested, but I don't think this is as original an idea as I maybe previously thought. There's nothing inherently wrong with this, but if you struggle with the narrative you might not have an original idea to fall back on. I suggest making this one of the first tests, otherwise it seems like the Foundation is throwing D-Class around when D-Class aren't that expendable. Also if they can leave, it's probably not a pocket dimension.
Actually, scratch that, what's the point of the pocket dimension at all? And the anomaly being a theatre door? Surely the second anomaly is far more important to the story?
There's a lot going on in your central narrative and it doesn't quite feel coherent. You're presumably trying to evoke emotions here, but it's moving so quickly that I'm not feeling anything.
The last sentence of your central narrative intrigues me. I would suggest focusing on the actions and emotions of your "last D-Class" character. You can obviously write the other characters too, but I think they'd probably be written better from his perspective.
The parts of your hook talking about your character letting go of his emotions is not mentioned in your central narrative but it is certainly an important part of your narrative (namely it's your resolution). I want to know both how he physically and mentally escapes the hell. Remember he's a prisoner in a Foundation Site; there's more than one hell on this earth.
Overall I like this idea. I think you need to look at it from a different angle though. Unless you already know specifically how you going to set out your article, I suggest considering a Tale format, because the actual anomaly is less important than your narrative here.
Obligatory can't-greenlight
Also I'm not super interested in sci-fi stuff and haven't read a lot of it so my crit might be weird lol.
I think you put your central narrative in the elevator pitch section and I'm struggling to actually decipher what happens in your article.
You're planning on using a format screw. Format screws are awesome (imo) when used well. As Angryman22 said, they're not typically recommended for first-time authors, but if you're confident and you know what you're doing then go for it.
Narrative-wise, I want to know more about your characters. Why would your aliens kidnap a Foundation agent? Why was the Foundation agent there in the first place? Why would they massacre the aliens? It doesn't seem like the aliens are warranting a massacre here. If the aliens are weaker than the human, it would make sense to trap them; unless your point is that lion cages are fairly easy to escape. How many aliens are there? "Massacre" suggests a lot, but if the agent is uncontainable at the end, they probably should have also been uncontainable at the beginning.
Teal deer: I like the idea, the narrative needs fleshing out.
I also don't suggest pre-drafting (you say you "havent wrote much up yet") because it can limit you in the direction of the narrative. Get ideas crit first before drafting, because your narrative might change.
Hey there!
Overall, I like this. There's a fair few issues but it's a good idea and it seems well thought out. I like that you have an object that could be used to deal great harm but you made it wholesome.
I have a few questions, mostly about points from your elevator pitch. They are as follows:
- Stop
Questions for your Elevator Pitch:
1) Why can't the wearer move more than a few metres when time is frozen? Is it the same distance every time, or does it change? Why such a short distance? Why at all? What happens if they try to?
2) Why can't the person manipulate the environment? Again, what happens if they try to? It's understandable that you would gravitate to one of two extremes with this; either everything can be interacted with or nothing can, but there are other possibilities here.
3) Can the wearer request time to be frozen? Or does the watch choose that?
4) "Free to use" is vague. Any Level-3 researcher can use this skip for anything at any time? Do the Foundation restrict this at any point?
Questions for your Central Narrative:
5) What are the implications of causing problems with the fabric of space-time? What happens? Who deals with it? How is it handled? This is probably another Tale in itself, but if you're going to mention it you should probably be fairly specific about the consequences.
Additional question:
6) How are other people affected?
I hope that helps. Please update me via IRC or Wikidot PMs if you write an answer. :)
Hey there!
Dr Wile seems to have already given you a reasonable critique, however I do have your draft at hand so I'm referencing that as well.
Concept
It's based off of a meme. Creating SCPs that are based on already-existing things is generally inadvised, especially for first-time authors. You have no original idea to fall back on.
To be incredibly blunt, I fail to see how this is comedy. This 100% does not read as a comedy genre skip to me at all. Your joke is "lol trollface" which just isn't funny. It doesn't evoke any emotion really.
What are the actual implications of a person bathing in the trollface bath for too long? What's the point?
I don't know much at all about memetics but I'm pretty sure that's not how anti-memes work.
Object classes have nothing to do with how dangerous an object is. Put in it a box and don't allow contact with it and you're good. Safe, not Keter. If you want more depth in explaining danger and risk, I recommend using the Anomaly Classification System.
Don't mix up the difference between your entity (the bathtub) and the entity you're looking at throughout most of forum thread (the oil). Rewrite it if need be.
I fail to see how it could possibly be shock horror.
Draft
There's a lot going on in your draft. Some of it might warrant some kind of positive reaction, but it's not super coherent.
Your ConProcs are nonsensical. They're so full of mistakes I'm not going to list them. You need to read the guides.
If a particularly specific part of a containment procedure isn't necessary, you can probably omit it. D-Class are prisoners, they probably (99%) aren't going to be given weapons because they would probably try to leave. Level-2 personnel make up a lot of the Foundation, meaning that your ConProcs are functionally useless. Think about your idea in detail before you write it.
The events that occur in your draft are not the same as the events you vaguely outlined in your ideas thread. Your discovery log is not even mentioned in your ideas thread.
I recommend going away and rewriting your ideas thread around the draft or vice versa if you are so committed to writing this concept. Alternatively, think about other ideas you could write.
Overall, I don't like this. I recommend reading the guides a little more in depth and coming up with different ideas that aren't based in existing pop culture. I don't recommend pre-drafting (writing your draft before ideas critique) because your narrative can change significantly following critique, among other reasons.
Hey there! Obligatory I-can't-greenlight.
I personally like this idea, and I think it has potential.
The real problem is that you're lacking a narrative. Your central narrative isn't an outline of the physical format of your article, it's your storyline.
How does the SCP work? What sorts of punishments is it giving out? What are its criteria for judging whether people "spark joy" or not? Why is it even doing it in the first place?
You say you have a lot of ideas for testing logs; please tell me what they are. What tests are you writing, how do they work, and what are the results?
This reads as a comedy article, but I find it interesting that you didn't specify this in your post. Did you intend for your article to be comedy, or should it invoke different emotions?
The metaphor idea is absolutely something I did not consider when I first saw your thread in the forum and I think it would be a good direction to take your article, possibly at the expense of the comedy. Again, you need to think about the emotions you are trying to invoke in your writing.
I would suggest thinking more about your narrative and where you want the story to go. You sure do have an anomaly, but you haven't written a narrative here yet.
Hope that helps :)
Hi, sorry for the delay!
My main question here is "Why?". What are your anomaly's reasons for judging whether people "spark joy" or not? Why is it doing it?
The orange, blobby SCP is SCP-999.
The D-Class testing thing is pretty interesting, You could also have it vary based on crime committed, as well as the other factors you mentioned, if you wanted.
I think cross-testing opens a lot of doors, as much as I don't really like Series I, but I still think you're lacking a narrative somewhat and I'm worried that your article will end abruptly. To partially-steal a brainstorming method from another critter, you have characters and arguably you have a conflict but you don't really have a conclusion. How does this story end? Without a clear narrative timeline, you risk creating a disconnected group of incidents in your article, which isn't really what people are looking for anymore. I recommend reading some more recent (Series VI) articles before you consider this.
Comedy articles can also have dark metaphors and undertones, and vice versa. There's no one genre you have to stick to here, really, Making it funny in the beginning and gradually revealing the dark parts while keeping some of the humour would probably be a good way to do it.
As for writing dark, philosophical stuff, that'll come to you with practice. Nobody is born able to write well. If that's the direction you want to go in, I recommend reading dark, philosophical stuff, especially from more recent series. There's quite a lot of it on this site.
I'm really excited to see what comes out of this. It's a really crazy idea and I do genuinely like it.
1) Don't blackbox in your ideas thread. Blackboxing is okay in your article in moderation but blackboxing in your ideas thread just shows you probably don't know the details of what you're writing.
2) You're lacking narrative here. An SCP article is a short story, you still need a story. What actually happens in your article that makes your entity a character in a story, rather than just a thing that does a thing?
3) If Risk and Disruption aren't calculable, don't calculate them, although that's not really how the classes work in-universe. You don't have to use the ACS.
4) Esoteric Class skips are typically hard to write, especially Apollyon. I'm not saying you shouldn't try, but you probably need to read a lot more first.
5) Essentially what you have here is a really-overpowered entity which doesn't have a purpose. Why has it been tasked with watching the universe? What emotions does it feel? What emotions am I supposed to feel in this story?
"God" - a god that exists in our universe? or not? a false god? explain.
You're still lacking a narrative. What are the actual events that occur in your story and what order do they occur in?
Regret is an emotion. How is it feeling regret? What things did it do to make it feel regret?
You said before that your entity was uncontainable and then wrote that it was in a cell. Those two things don't add up.
I think you need to think more about your narrative than your character. I suggest focusing on its emotions in containment and the change between how it is in containment and how it was before. Loss of power evokes a lot of emotion, and I could absolutely see a really good Tale come out of this, but I think it needs a lot more work.
Hello!
Quick crit time because I have a couple minutes and I saw this in #thecritters.
1) "SCP-XXXX" is how you should be referring to your anomaly in your ideas forum thread. You don't pick a number until you're about to post to the mainsite.
2) "Genre: Informative"????? Informative?? Please explain.
3) SCP-045 seems to be a standard article format? Bluntly, have you read more than one article?
4) Teleporting werewolf, as was said earlier in the IRC, is a very cliche idea. There's nothing inherently wrong with cliches, but without a narrative you have no original idea to fall back on. Without a narrative, you have no story.
5) I'm not a science person but why is your anomaly doing nuclear fusion?
6) Your central narrative really doesn't have anything to do with your anomaly. Like, at all. I mean, if you can justify it, then fair enough, but it seems like a completely different idea. Even then, it's not a super strong narrative.
7) "Grammar, punctuation" Yes, SPaG is in fact important.
8) "the tool bar" Do you mean the ACS?
9) I don't know if it's against the rules to link your draft in your ideas forum thread, but either way it's not recommended that you pre-draft, for various reasons as I said before in #thecritters, especially before reading the guides, because you should get critique first.
I recommend going away, actually reading the guides (multiple times) that Limeyy (I think it was Limeyy) and I sent you in #thecritters, deciding where you want to take your narrative, and then editing your forum thread accordingly.
Good luck.
Hello again.
You haven't really changed anything except the words. And redacting how your anomaly teleports is not going to aid your narrative. You need to explain the events that actually happen in your story and how it affects your characters. You have no original idea and no narrative, therefore you do not have a story.
I recommend, again, reading the guides (especially this one in relation to crafting your story and this one in relation to better formulating your ideas in this thread) and brainstorming some ideas in your sandbox and/or in #thecritters as to what could happen in your article.
Some questions to spark ideas:
1) Why is your anomaly a scientist? What area does it study or specialise in?
2) Did it become a werewolf first, or a scientist first?
3) Does it work for the Foundation? Does the Foundation know it's a werewolf?
4) What "shady business" is your anomaly involved in? How involved in "shady business" is your anomaly?
5) How does your anomaly feel about being a werewolf? What emotions are your readers supposed to feel?
6) Why are the answers to the above questions important or significant to your story?
I hope that helps.
Hi! Sorry for the wait.
You need to remember that SCP articles are stories. To have a story, you need a narrative. You seem to have described the progression of one interview, and maybe a discovery log, but it seems weak and disconnected. I want to know more about your character and your anomaly (especially your anomaly) and how they interact with each other.
What's the significance of the symbols, and your anomaly's ability to speak "up to" 45 languages? Is it 45 or fewer? Why only 45 languages? There's a lot more languages in the world than that; how does it choose?
You haven't really mentioned anything about your anomaly's ability to see into the future in your central narrative. If you're going to include it, I want to hear about it (hint: I want to hear about it, please explain more). Regardless, it's a little cliche and you risk not having an original idea at the end of it.
In terms of where your narrative is focused, you could create a Tale. It needs a lot of work, but you have a character-focused story here, with your anomaly as a secondary thing.
In regards to your hook, you need one. Your hook is what makes people interested in your story, and you should want people to be interested in your story. I suggest thinking about what makes your story interesting.
Crit isn't "criticism", it's "critique". Concept crit helps you think about your idea in different ways and make it better.
In terms of "help", you can read this guide: http://www.scpwiki.com/how-to-write-an-scp, and talk to people in #thecritters and on this forum thread about your idea.
I hope that helps. Send me a Wikidot PM or a message/.tell in #thecritters if you reply here because I probably won't see otherwise.
21:08 <TawnyOwlJones> ShadyApples24: basically you need to say more to me than "i know i need a narrative". You need to explain the narrative so I can critique your idea.
21:08 <TawnyOwlJones> You said in your PM that your skip picks which language it speaks but in your forum thread, you said it was speaking multiple languages including german. I do want to know about the seeing into the future part because that's your story. If you don't know what you want to write yet, think about it first.
21:08 <ShadyApples24> ight
21:09 <TawnyOwlJones> you need a narrative progression. you have characters, and they need to do things
21:09 <TawnyOwlJones> tell me about your story, what ideas do you have?
21:10 <Bernard> heyo guys, i just had an idea for a scp, i havent posted it on the ideas forum yet because i still want to build on it but i want to know if the basic idea would work
21:10 <ShadyApples24> Im going to just brainstorm and do a braindump about in one of my idea's journal then after that make a forum thread about it
21:10 <ShadyApples24> i was a little to quick
21:10 <Limeyy> bernard hit me
21:10 <TawnyOwlJones> cheers Limeyy :)
21:11 <Limeyy> :))
21:11 <TawnyOwlJones> ShadyApples24: that's okay, I recommend updating your original forum thread instead of making a new one, unless your idea is incredibly different
21:11 <ShadyApples24> oh ok I will just do that
21:12 <ShadyApples24> Thx again for the help you ARE a very helpful person on this website :D
21:12 <TawnyOwlJones> awesome! feel free to PM me if you need a hand, and I'm happy to look at your thread again when you've changed it
Hello! Sorry for the delay.
The premise is interesting. "Computer virus infects humans" has probably been done before but I like the way you've planned this out. I do have some questions though.
You don't have any characters. You have a narrative, but you don't have anybody reacting to your narrative. There's quite a few options for roles your character could take here, and each one would react with different emotions.
In terms of narrative progression, you don't have any until you have characters. Once you have characters, I want to hear about how your story pans out for them.
Can your virus not evolve within people? What makes it different from a virus originating in humans that stops it from evolving when infecting human hosts? And surely the Foundation would want to limit the spread, even for no reason other than that they contain anomalies? (hint: there could also be other reasons; think about it)
What happens to the people infected with this virus? You said that they die but how preserved is their consciousness? Do they know they're dead?
The virus can "think" independently? Or is it programmed to think that monitering people means hijacking them? Either way: who, why?
I'm very interested in this idea, but I also think you should think more about the specifics.
Hello!
There's a lot going on in your forum thread. You seem to have some semblance of a narrative, but there's so many different anomalous items in your concept that I'm not entirely sure where to start.
You start by saying that the language itself is anomalous, which is fine, but then your story is complicated by the cave and the skeletons. I also don't understand what you mean by "change to match the description given by the writing".
If you can explain the purpose of the skeletons in relation to the language being anomalous, I will be more than happy to give your idea a fair and detailed critique. There's only so much I can say when I don't understand the concept.
I would like to know more about the language and why it is anomalous. Ancient Greek, while dead, is still fairly easily translatable, and is definitely recognisable compared to other languages. I know multiple people IRL who speak Ancient Greek, it's not an anomalous language in itself.
In terms of narrative progression, your skip is a little disjointed. I want to see the events that happen in your skip, the order that they happen in, why they are important, how they affect your characters, and how your characters react to them.
In regards to interview questions, I recommend not having filler questions as ShadyApples does not match any existing user name said in their crit. If it doesn't advance your narrative and/or your readers already know about it, don't include it.
I hope that helps. Overall, I like the idea, but I think it's too crowded.
Hi!
As biased as I am towards amnestics content, this isn't really my vibe as it is. HOWEVER, I have some critique for you.
Having immunity to certain drugs isn't inherently anomalous, but there's a couple of things you could make out of this:
1) Having immunity to all drugs. Again, not inherently anomalous, just something to consider.
2) Having a perfect memory.
2a) Having a perfect memory that cannot be erased.
3) Having "conditional immunity". He gets to decide when he's affected by amnestics or not.
Regardless of what path you take with his abilities, what you're really missing here is a narrative. You need a story.
What does he see that requires the Foundation to interfere? How do the Foundation find him in the first place? How does he react to the Foundation? How do the Foundation react to him? Are his memories different following amnesticisation to how they were before? What does he do with the information he has about other skips? What are the events that happen in your skip, and what emotions is your character feeling? How do those emotions change throughout your story?
It's also worth mentioning that there's no canon when it comes to amnestics. There are essays (here and here) but they just serve to provide an outline. Amnestics do not have to solely be drugs, check out the essays I linked and also this Tale (there's not tons of information about amnestics in this Tale but it does show that you can make your own canons) if you feel like learning more, or come brainstorm with me in #thecritters (but not today!).
I apologise for using footnotes instead of hyperlinks, I can't be bothered with figuring out code today.
I hope that helps. As I mentioned before, I am incredibly biased, but I do think you have the foundations of a good idea here. You just need to brainstorm some more and think about your idea in more depth.
To be incredibly blunt, this doesn't seem to be going anywhere. You've got some base of a timeline, but what narrative you have seems like pointless torture of a basically-immortal X-Man child. I just don't see the point.
There's nothing inherently wrong with writing dark content, I like dark content, but you probably shouldn't attempt it as your first idea, especially when it comes from a presumably-self-insert, self-indulgent, h/c wattpad fic.
I'm not feeling any emotions from this, and your character doesn't seem to be either. From reading your forum thread, I genuinely do not care about your character.
Your ideas thread seems to be a cut-down version of a pre-draft. Generally, I don't mind considering pre-drafts in conjunction with well thought out ideas threads, but this is not that.
I recommend you go away and brainstorm ways to make your character less cliche and your narrative less monotonous. You need events in your narrative to make people want to read it, and it has to have an ending somewhere. I want to know who your character is, how she found this Site, how she reacts to her powers, and what emotions she's feeling regarding containment. I also want to know why she's being tortured and how your story ends. What's the point?
Hello again.
Disclaimer: I don't know anything about the Scarlet King; you might be better off asking for critique from somebody who does.
Your character would likely not be classified as Safe because she is a sentient humanoid. Try Euclid or Keter instead. Object Classes have nothing to do with how dangerous an object is either.
Death is hard to write and typically a dissatisfying ending. I still don't care about your character, and reading about her death doesn't spark any emotions either. I also don't understand why she's being tortured by the Foundation, especially at a Site that's still under construction, or why there's Foundation staff at your under-construction or abandoned Site.
I think you have too much going on, both with your character and your narrative. You've created a very-overpowered character; I would suggest limiting her anomalous affect to something specific and giving her a personality and some goals.
From the How To Write An SCP guide: "Reality-benders, magic users, or overtly superpowered people are really hard to do right. While some have been successfully pulled off, it usually takes a seasoned, experienced writer to do them well enough to not dive-bomb into a negative rating" and "If your humanoid has more than one anomalous effect or property, make sure that they make sense and go together".
Narrative-wise, I would suggest focusing on what happened to her in the cult, and take the torture stuff out of the Foundation section entirely. The Foundation are not always good people, but I don't see why they would pointlessly torture a child. The Foundation are cold, not cruel etc etc.
I hope that helps.
Hi! Sorry for the wait.
This certainly has the foundations of a good idea but I think you're including too many events and not enough detail about any of them.
You have 400 words to write your idea. You have used 125 of them, and only 80 on your central narrative. You obviously don't need to use all the words, but you should be giving more detail, especially about your narrative.
In terms of your actual idea, I think it's fairly original. I like it, but you don't really have a story yet. You need a narrative.
In regards to your central narrative, you have bullet points. I want to know the details.
Which Pagan festival or ritual is this? I'm immediately thinking Midnight Game, but, as a non-witchcraft-practising Pagan, I really don't know much about it, nor was it an annual ritual. The annual Pagan festivals are Yule, Imbolc, Ostara, Beltane, Litha, Lughnasadh, Mabon, and Samhain, although some Pagans and witches choose to celebrate deity-based festivals as well. I suggest you do more research into your setting.
There's nothing wrong with just saying "a Pagan ritual", but it does feel like you're ignoring that Paganism was and still is a religion rather than just some scary horror story plot device.
Religion rant over, I want to know more about your ghost. How did he die? Why did he die? Why is he a ghost? Does he have some sort of purpose to fulfill? What does he do at the carnival? Is he only there when the carnival is happening? Why? Or why not? What emotions is he feeling? What emotions am I supposed to be feeling when I read your story? Am I supposed to feel sad for him? I don't…
In regards to the guy who sees your ghost, how is he affected?
What is the relevance of the child? What's the significance of your ghost being able to procreate with living people? Why does it matter?
How does your story end?
Essentially you've got the skeleton of an interesting idea here, but you definitely need more detail about your central narrative.
I hope that helps. Please feel free to reply here with answers to my questions, or come into #thecritters on IRC and send me a tell (I'll get back to you).
Hi! Sorry for the delay.
This is a really interesting idea. I think it's original, but I still think you're missing some important information.
Mainly I want to know why. What is the point of your anomaly? Is there a reason it triggers necrophobia, or is it just an unfortunate coincidence?
What is your anomaly's range? You say in your central narrative that it affects all mammal corpses, but unless you develop that idea it's just a throwaway remark. Are there specific conditions to which corpses your anomaly affects? Is it a pathogen, and if so how does it spread? If not, what is it, and how do the Foundation hope to contain it? Are there any preventative measures that can be taken to stop the anomaly affecting certain corpses, and if so what are they?
How does your story end? What conclusion do the Foundation come to? How do they stop this phenomenon from occuring, or if they can't what are the consequences?
In regard to ShadyApples does not match any existing user name's critique of your idea, you absolutely should go into detail about what your anomaly does. You should also then explain how it affects people and why it matters. With a skip that affects the whole world, amnestics aren't super viable, but initally you could mention them in relation to the village if you wanted to.
Hi!
Disclaimer that I haven't seen WandaVision so I don't know the context here. Regardless, I suggest you separate your idea from the original context since articles based on things from pop culture don't usually do well on the mainsite.
You have a limit of 400 words to write your idea; you have used 72 of them, and only 42 on your central narrative. You don't need to use all the words, but you do need to explain what happens in your story and how each part is connected.
In terms of actual substance, you don't have defined characters and you don't have a narrative so you currently have no story. I'm confused as to why it is relevant that your reality bender is dead and also how exactly he died. Does his facsimile world stick around, or does it disappear after he dies? Also what is a "people-faker" and why are there multiple of them?
With your narrative, having a well-defined atmosphere is great, but you also need narrative progression. A set-up, a build-up, a conflict, and a resolution. What are your characters actually experiencing, and how do they feel about it? How are the retellings of the events different from how the events actually happened?
Your narrative needs to be coherent and it needs to come to an end. How do you plan on ending your article so it doesn't seem disjointed? i.e you have to connect the accounts in some way instead of leaving each one free-standing.
You've got a cool idea here, and I could see an article or a Tale come out of it, but it needs a lot of work.
I hope that helps. Feel free to reach out to me in #thecritters or by Wikidot PM if you reply or add anything and I'm happy to take a second look.
Hi!
Lots of questions here. Take your time thinking about the answers, you don't need to answer with the first thing that comes into your head.
Why is it important that your anomaly is sentient? How does its sentience play into the narrative? If it wasn't sentient, how would the story change?
Why only follow one D-Class? Testing often requires multiple different conditions, therefore you probably need more D-Class. If you specifically want to focus on one D-Class, I suggest making this a Tale rather than an article. If you're trying to focus on the effects of the anomaly, write an article. If you're focusing more on the emotions your character is feeling, consider a Tale.
I want to know more about the effects. Do all affected people feel the same effects? Are the effects instantaneous or do they occur in separately? If they occur separately, do they occur in the same order for every person? Do they continue even after the music had stopped? Can the people take the headphones off as they wish, and, if they can, does the anomaly have the same effect on them? Does use of your anomaly always lead to death, and does it take the same amount of time for the person to die? Do they always die the same way? What changes it?
This is me making it clear you will likely want to describe the effects of your anomaly as well as how the affected people feel and how they react to those feelings. "They just die" is not particularly satisfying, put some thought into it.
Object Class does not have anything to do with danger, but rather with ease of containment. The classification you are probably looking for is the Risk Class in the ACS.12
I want to know why your anomaly suddenly created a sound loud enough to kill multiple Foundation personnel when it did not previously do that. Unless it did previously do that, in which case you need to make that clear.
Overall, I think this idea has a lot of potential. It's a little barebones right now, but it's got something. Send me a tell on #thecritters if you reply here. :)
The sentience makes a lot more sense than it did before, thank you for explaining. I think if you're taking sentience into account then you need to explain the emotions that your anomaly experiences as well as the emotions your D-Class character(s) experience(s). i.e you need to explain that the headphones emitted that sound because it was scared. An additional question: Does it know it's killing people?
Hi!
The core idea is good, but it's doing too many things at once. Delving into time-travel and changing reality is very hard to write, and I suggest reading articles, guides, and essays that look at similar things if you do decide to go down that path.
You don't really have a narrative either, or at least you haven't explained it. SCP articles are short stories, not descriptions of things that do things. Who are your characters? How do they interact with your anomaly? What specific memories is the anomaly showing them, and how do they feel about it? If you do decide to bring reality-bending into this, what exactly is/are your character or characters doing to change the memories? Are there repercussions to this? Is time changed forever? For other people? Why or why not?
You've got a solid idea here, but you definitely need to brainstorm more about how the narrative plays out.
I hope that helps. I am doing other things today but send me a tell in #thecritters if you reply here and I'll look at it later.
Hi!
So this currently feels more like an entry in the Log of Anomalous Items, but most ideas have the potential to become SCPs.
Your central narrative section should tell out your story in full. If you've got surface-level stuff you haven't thought of yet, consider brainstorming more before you make a forum thread.
Hiding information such as the breed of this dog is usually not a good idea, especially in your ideas forum thread, and is generally indicative of not thinking about your idea enough.
That being said, you've summarised your anomaly's abilities fairly well. I want to know how you are planning to turn this into a story.
Are you going to follow one character, or multiple? How are your characters being injured? Is there a limit to the injuries your anomaly can heal? Does it choose who to heal? How does it choose who to heal?
Why is it relevant that the dog is 5m tall?
I hope that helps! Feel free to reply here or send me a tell in #thecritters if you have more to say.
Hi!
Currently this looks like an anomalous item, but you don't have a narrative so it isn't an SCP yet.
Questions about your anomaly:
1) What do you mean by "details"?
2) What details does your anomaly take?
3) Where does it get them from?
4) Does it choose what to take?
5) Does it choose what to give?
6) Are the details copied or removed?
Questions about your narrative (because you should have one):
1) Who is your character? You mention "Dr Jacob"; I want to know who that is.
2) Did somebody create your anomaly, or did they find it? If they created it, why?
3) How does your character interact with your anomaly? What do they use it for, and how do they feel about that?
4) If your anomaly is single-use, are there multiple of them? If so, are they all in the possession of one character?
I hope that helps. Feel free to reply here with answers to my questions or send me a tell in #thecritters in IRC.
Hi! Sorry for the delay.
I'm confused about why your anomaly can remove her heart without dying but she dies if other people do it.
Why is the last log labelled a success when you describe it as a failure? Even if Dr Palmer manages to insult the SCP, she ends up in even deeper shit than she was before. That doesn't seem like a success. I also don't understand why the SCP offers her the challenge in the first place. What's the point?
Why is Dr Palmer following the anomaly's orders to complete the challenge at all? Sure, incompetent researchers can exist, but the Foundation allowing Dr Palmer to complete the challenge (and, indeed, attempt it at all) rather than removing her from her post just makes the Foundation look incompetent.
I'm torn between saying I like the ending and saying I don't like the ending. I don't think it's particularly satisfying to leave it on a cliffhanger. You also need to remember that the Foundation is writing these articles in-universe. If Dr Palmer is stuck wherever she is forever, the Foundation never receive that email and so they cannot include it in their report. I do like the idea that the SCP is stopping her from sending the email, but I don't understand why it's doing that.
The Pandora's Box stuff isn't really relevant to your story. The stories aren't linked and they aren't particularly similar either. You don't need to link your story to an existing one.
I hope that helps.
Hi!
I'm confused as to what your anomaly actually is, but I'm going to presume it's an anomaly which creates new anomalies from living people. I'm not sure whether "the photocopy woman" is also anomalous, but I'm presuming so.
In regards to your central narrative, I want to know how your anomaly works, and who it affects. You've said about Foundation staff being affected by the anomaly but surely it can't be all of them, or only them? Who are the specific characters you are writing about? I am interested in the direction you want to take this, but I want to know specifically what your characters are feeling, and how the conflict is resolved. What are the main points in your story?
Can the photocopier copy anything? Is there a limit to how many things it can copy, both in total and of each thing?
Are the copies true copies, or are they different in any way to the "originals"? I'm thinking that because your anomaly is a photocopier that the "original" people are still alive etc.
Why is your photocopy woman creating a species of photocopies? What's the point? Is she contained by the Foundation too, or do they just take the photocopier?
Do the photocopies feel pain? Have emotions? Replacing the D-Class with clones is a reasonable proposal, but I'm unsure as to how it works both ethically and logistically, and how it links in with your characters' emotions.
I hope that helps. Feel free to reply here or send me a tell in #thecritters if you have more to say.
Hi!
Is your pocket dimension infinite or does it just seem to be? How much are the Foundation actually seeing?
What kind of creatures does your pocket dimension contain? Do they exist in our world? Do they behave the same as in our world? Can they move between dimensions? My understanding of pocket dimensions is that they cannot be exited, but I may be wrong. What sort of ecosystem is it? How do your characters interact with the creatures and with the ecosystem, and how do they interact with your characters?
What is the contents of the letter? How does the letter tie into the Foundation finding the exits in the pocket dimension? Is the letter supposed to evoke some sort of emotional reaction in your characters, and if so, what emotions are they feeling? Do they find the author of the letter?
I hope that helps! Feel free to reply here if you have answers to my questions or more to say.
Hi!
Disclaimer: I have not read anything in the Broken Masquerade canon, so my crit might not be in context.
So initially I'm noticing problems with your central narrative. You've said you're going to do interviews and test logs, but you haven't said what they will contain. What are the Foundation asking the owner of this anomaly about? What are they testing for? What are they actually doing in the tests and what are the results? Where does your story take place and how does that affect your narrative?
What prior history does your store owner have with the Foundation, and with anomalous entities other than his store? How does he remember them? [Reconsideration: Broken Masquerade canon may allow for this plot point, but I'm not sure.]
What information do the Foundation gather from the interviews and experiments and what do they do with it?
I hope that helps.
Hi!
Your idea is interesting. I don't know whether the claim in your hook is true, but I'm willing to believe it.
In regards to your central narrative, you need one. If you have a draft, you probably have a narrative. Series VI articles, by and large, are short stories in the form of scientific reports, rather than descriptions of things that do things (like in a lot of Series I articles).
Some questions to create a narrative:
1) Who are your characters?
2) How do your characters interact with your anomaly? What happens to them?
3) How is your anomaly compelling people to find it?
4) You say your anomaly won't let your characters escape. How do your characters feel about that?
5) How does your story end?
(I'm not staff so there's way more to licensing than this but in regards to the image in your sandbox, make sure it's licensed under CC-BY-SA.)
I hope that helps! Feel free to reply here if you have answers to my questions and/or more to say.
Hi.
(Staff, I apologise in advance if any of this is ad hominem, I really tried to avoid it)
I saw your coldposts earlier and I have a lot to say about both your coldposts and this idea, but I'll keep it short.
This is an incredibly ableist idea. Treating autistic people as non-human is not a good look. I also don't understand how it's relevant to your story that your character is autistic and I feel like your story just exists to vilify disabled people.
If you are not autistic, you should not be writing about autistic people, especially not without at least having spoken to a wide variety of autistic people. If you are autistic, you should probably write about autistic people and experiences other than "not-quite-human white male teenager/young child hurts people maybe-not-on-purpose". We most certainly do not need more stereotyping. (Also please do not use "autistic" as a noun if you aren't autistic please and thank you.)
In regards to your actual idea, you're missing a lot of information. What kind of catastrophic event is your anomaly creating? If you are treating meltdowns as catastrophic events, that is ableism. That includes replacing meltdowns with reality-bending catastropies. Do you mean any overstimulating sound or visual? Or are you planning on keeping this autistic child in sensory deprivation? If you are planning on doing that, I suggest not doing that. Again, it's very ableist.
What is the creature and how does your character interact with it? How does it interact with your character?
Abled people being scared of disabled people is ableist. Do not write that. There is nothing inherently wrong with writing bigoted characters, although I certainly don't recommend it in your first article, but writing a skip where the characters are incredibly bigoted and you as the author condone the bigotry is incredibly dangerous and traumatising to disabled people.
Overall I don't like this idea. Feel free to seek other people's opinions but I advise coming up with other ideas.
Hi!
I like this idea, but I had to read it through multiple times before I even understood the basic premise. I think you've probably got too much going on at once.
I originally took it that the doppelgangers were copies of the people who created the space in time, and that made sense in my head, but I think what you were actually going for is that the people who create the space in time (or cause the anomaly to create it) summon somebody else who is then murdered by a doppelganger of themselves. However, you then go on to say that a little boy was murdered after he stepped onto the field, which contradicts your previous statement.
(I'm using the latter interpretation for the rest of the crit; if you want me to interpret it another way, please tell me and I will happily do so.)
Are the doppelgangers sentient? Do they feel things? Do they know that they're murdering copies of themselves? How do they feel about it?
If the doppelgangers stop existing once the original person leaves the field, how do the murders occur in places outside the field? Can the doppelgangers leave on their own accord, and if they can, how are they then killing the original copies of themselves? If they kill the copy and then leave, is it obvious that they're not the same person?
What investigation ensues to trace the doppelgangers back to the field, and how are you going to show it in your article? If the Foundation are tracing multiple doppelgangers, why do they only find one person?
Does the amusement park exist in "real life"? i.e. does it disappear when the people leave the field? If so, why not in case?
What are the interesting parts of the diary and the exploration log that further the story? What do the Foundation find out about the anomaly from the diary and the explanation log?
The Foundation don't typically lose things. I'm willing to forgive that, but don't make them look incompetent; they aren't.
What happens in the "disaster scenario"? Does a specific event trigger it? A specific person?
Is there somebody controlling the field, or does it act on its own accord? Does it choose who is affected?
I'm not a fan of "Foundation uses anomaly to take advantage of things". Unless you already have something planned, it's generally enough to just contain the object.
I hope that helps. Please feel free to reply here if you want to answer my questions and/or you have more to say.
This is a really good idea and it's very clear you've thought about it a lot. I would greenlight this if I could. I do still have a couple questions though.
Forgive me for not knowing much about science but does rapid cellular division not cause cancer? Could you somehow factor that into "potential harm" caused by the anomaly?
"The experiments that are conducted on the inhabitants of the town thus swiftly turn from the cause of the anomaly to its potential benefits"
I can understand the need for the Foundation to study and conduct tests/experiments on the inhabitants of the town initially, but if they're looking for potential benefits where testing may cause significant harm then surely they would use D-Class?
I'm really looking forward to seeing what you do with this, especially regarding the two Site Directors. Good luck.
Hi!
You don't really have a narrative here. You have a human who is affected by an anomalous phenomenon, but you don't show any other characters or any interactions, etc. Who is your anomaly's family, friends, etc? Who at the Foundation interacts with it? How does it feel about being in containment, and how does it react to being anomalous? What is the conflict in your story? How does that conflict start and how is it resolved?
If your anomaly doesn't have any knowledge of the phenomenon, then how does it know it doesn't age?
Does it die on the same day every year? If it's then reborn two years younger, does it eventually become younger than 0? Or is it just reliving the same two years on repeat?
It is not possible to "inherit" anything from somebody not related to you. How does the anomaly pass on this effect to its friends? Why does it affect them differently?
(I don't recommend writing about any mental illness unless you are either affected by it or you know a lot about it by speaking to people who are affected by it. PTSD is not always just Vietnam War flashbacks. Please be sensitive with trauma stuff, it's really serious.)
I don't understand how this anomaly is abusable. Like, at all.
You've got a pretty mundane anomaly here. Writing humanoids is really hard, and not generally advised for your first article. If you can form some sort of narrative involving your character then it might work.
I hope that helps. Feel free to reply here or in #thecritters if you have more to say.
Hi!
I like this idea! It's got potential.
I agree with Vivarium about writing a WWS article, since you have an anomalous animal. If you do want to make it an SCP, you need to think more about your narrative. Beyond it being discovered, what are you actually showing, in terms of its abilities and its progression? Could the Foundation find some way to exploit it, e.g. by providing it with different sounds to create something useful?
I don't really understand the part about it becoming deaf, both narratively and logistically. Logistically, if it's in a soundproof room then surely it cannot hear anything outside at all, regardless of whether there's a containment breach occuring. Narratively, I'm not sure it changes much and it might lead to an unsatisfying ending.
I do like the underlying metaphor, but I think you could still bring that into a WWS format.
I hope that helps! :)
Hi!
Your anomaly seems a little overpowered, and I've definitely seen similar ideas before, if not on the site then definitely off-site. There's nothing inherently wrong with not having an original idea, but you do risk not having an original idea to fall back on if your narrative fails.
In regards to your central narrative, SCP articles are short stories written in the form of scientific reports. You need to create a story in which your anomaly features.
Who interacts with your anomaly? What happens to them? Are there people who are immune to your anomaly's effect?
How does the Foundation interact with your anomaly, and how do they interact with the characters possessed by the anomaly? How do your characters react to the Foundation?
I hope that helps. Feel free to reply here with answers to my questions.
Hi!
I'm not really sure what to think of this. You've sort of vaguely described your anomaly and your narrative but they don't seem to connect?
How is your anomaly using other animals' vocal cords to emit sound? What is it physically doing that allows it to do that? What sounds does it make? Why does it do it?
Your narrative is very much mundane rather than anomalous and I'm unsure as to how it relates to your anomaly. Is your anomaly emitting sounds so loud that it's causing mines to collapse? Why?
Mines can collapse due to earthquakes, and it is entirely feasible that you could create an anomaly that emits sound at a volume/frequency that causes earthquakes but you do also need to remember that the Foundation should factor into your writing.
How the Foundation react to your anomaly and how they solve whatever situation your anomaly causes is generally more important than your anomaly's abilities.
You also have 400 words to write the last four sections of your ideas forum thread. You have used 62 words in total, and only 30 on your central narrative. You need to explain your story in more depth; what does your anomaly do, what does the Foundation do, how does your story end, what am I as the reader supposed to be feeling when I read your article?
I hope that helps. Please feel free to reply here if you have answers to my questions and/or more to say.
[Noting I didn't save logs from before this because I'm dumb, this conversation lasted over an hour]
<emb3R> the children had fun with the stuffed snowman, but complained to the witch that the snow was always melting. they wanted everlasting snow
<emb3R> so, the witch tried to fix it, but failed, and instead cast an eternal winter on top of her house
<emb3R> thinking that it was a success, the children grabbed the snowman and hurried home
<TawnyOwlJones> okay. what happens next? what are the repercussions of that?
<emb3R> The parents saw what the snowman was doing to everything inorganic. They threw the snowman away, only to have their trash can turn into snow
<TawnyOwlJones> stuffed snowman as in like a toy?
<emb3R> so, they asked the children where they got the snowman from, and they talked about the witch
<emb3R> yes, stuffed snowman
<emb3R> the toy
<TawnyOwlJones> okay
<TawnyOwlJones> so what do they say about the witch? and are they talking to their parents? remember that the Foundation have to factor into this
<emb3R> parents didn't believe
<emb3R> as usual
<emb3R> and uh thats all i have for now
<emb3R> im thinking about how to put the foundation into this
<TawnyOwlJones> can you answer my questions please?
<emb3R> the parents didn't believe the children, saying it was just a "made-up story". But then one of the children said "if a witch is not real, how come the snowman turning everything to snow is real?"
<emb3R> The the parents visited the witch
<emb3R> then*
<emb3R> seeing how the witch's house had snow falling on it, but everything else was sunny, they immediately knew that the children were telling the truth
<emb3R> so they entered the house, which was for some reason, unlocked
<emb3R> as soon as the witch saw the snowman, she grabbed it, stuffed it in a plastic bag full of grass, and made it vanish
<emb3R> and it appeared on mt kilimanjaro
<emb3R> then the foundation found it
<TawnyOwlJones> okay, you've got a backstory! congrats
<TawnyOwlJones> what happens once the foundation have it?
<TawnyOwlJones> "Describe the story beats or overarching context/"big picture" for your piece" is the summary for what you need to say in your central narrative. You need to give a brief description of what your anomaly does, but mostly you need to focus on how the story progresses. How does the Foundation come into this? How does your story end? To quote
<TawnyOwlJones> cybersqyd: knowing what the SCP does is fine but you also have to consider the Foundation here; what the Foundation does and like, how they interact with the SCP is generally more important than what the SCP can do
<emb3R> the foundation visits the witch cuz the location was written in the back
<emb3R> and they find the house of eternal winter
<emb3R> they break down the door only to find the house empty
<emb3R> they look in the rooms and find a skeleton, presumably the witch
<TawnyOwlJones> stop.
<TawnyOwlJones> you're detracting from the narrative.
<emb3R> how?
<TawnyOwlJones> ignore the witch, the witch doesn't matter once you've got the backstory because the foundation have custody of the snowman and it's the snowman that's the anomaly
<emb3R> ok
<TawnyOwlJones> what do the foundation do with the snowman, how do they react to it?
<emb3R> they run tests first
<emb3R> to see what the snowman can turn into snow
<emb3R> metals, plastic, and any inorganic material turns into snow
<emb3R> however, organic material such as grass and animals don't react to it at all
<TawnyOwlJones> okay, and how are you going to make those tests interesting?
<emb3R> hmmm
<emb3R> i dont know
<TawnyOwlJones> how are the results of the tests going to give the reader information they haven't considered before
<emb3R> i dont know
<TawnyOwlJones> presumably you will describe your backstory through one or multiple logs, so you've already got something
<TawnyOwlJones> you need to show a present narrative to tie up the ending
<emb3R> maybe i can add something
<emb3R> inroganic material turns into snow, and organic material doesn't, but there is exception
<emb3R> those who love summer and spring over fall and winter will immediately get frostbite after touching the snowman
<emb3R> all over their hand
<TawnyOwlJones> stop.
<TawnyOwlJones> don't add more anomalous abilities
<emb3R> ok
<TawnyOwlJones> it massively complicates things
<TawnyOwlJones> remember, you can't let your characters overshadow your narrative
<emb3R> i don't know how to make the tests interesting
<TawnyOwlJones> like, um, one of my favourite skips, the anomaly is just a long-ass fish but it barely features at all because the narrative is about a research team that creates a fish cult because they get really bored. (SCP-5320)
<TawnyOwlJones> granted, most stories aren't like that and you generally shouldn't go for comedy first time, but the point still stands
<TawnyOwlJones> okay, let's try something else
<TawnyOwlJones> how else could the story end?
<TawnyOwlJones> without doing tests to show the anomaly's abilities
<TawnyOwlJones> the snowman is in the foundation's custody, what now?
<emb3R> maybe there can be several incidents
<TawnyOwlJones> this is a safe-class object, yes?
<emb3R> i mean, i can just say that the foundation threw it inside a cell and its over
<emb3R> yeah, its safe
<TawnyOwlJones> hmm you could
<TawnyOwlJones> that might be an unsatisfying ending though
<TawnyOwlJones> that being said, if you want to write up your backstory into your ideas forum thread (using the template) then you've got the start of a narrative and somebody else can pick it up from there
<emb3R> yeah
<TawnyOwlJones> i'd be happy to take a look at it once you've collected your ideas
<emb3R> so we have the witch backstory, which is cool i guess
<emb3R> i just dont know how to make it interesting after they discovered the snowman
<TawnyOwlJones> i don't know either
<emb3R> cuz its safe class, so you can just say "oh they ran some tests and then threw it in a cell"
<TawnyOwlJones> write up the forum thread now, and note down anything that comes to you about the snowman
<emb3R> ok
<TawnyOwlJones> if you think about the scp article format, you can just say "SCP-XXXX is contained in a standard item locker at Site-Whatever", you don't need to make a huge point of it
<emb3R> should I specify what the witch is
<TawnyOwlJones> which means you can't really use it as your ending
<TawnyOwlJones> rephrase the part about the witch please?
<emb3R> it might be confusing if i just said "yeah its witch"
<TawnyOwlJones> im confused
<emb3R> like, people would probably ask about how the witch got her powers and all that
<TawnyOwlJones> the witch is a character here
<emb3R> yes]
<TawnyOwlJones> they don't care about the witch, the witch is not your anomaly
<emb3R> but im afraid if I include the witch, people would be more focused on the witch than the snowman
<emb3R> plus, how would the foundation know about the witch anyways
<TawnyOwlJones> the foundation can discover the existence of the witch by conducting interviews with, for example, the kids' parents
<emb3R> oh yeah
<emb3R> ok
<emb3R> so interviews are how they know
<TawnyOwlJones> you need to include the witch in your backstory as it is now, but you need to not let the characters overshadow the narrative
<TawnyOwlJones> yeah, or other kinds of logs
<TawnyOwlJones> or artifacts, like letters
<emb3R> ok
Hi!
(Noting that the majority of my crit for this concept was in IRC PMs)
You've explained the backstory fairly well (with the exception of some inconsistencies between your elevator pitch and your central narrative), but you still don't have a narrative here.
How were the Foundation alerted of the anomaly's existence? What do they do with the anomaly once they've contained it? Remember that how the Foundation interact with anomalies is more important than what your anomaly does and, arguably, what happens to it before the Foundation find it.
You say in your Hook about the interactions between your anomaly and other objects; what are those interactions, and what do they tell us about the anomaly that we don't already know?
I hope that helps. Feel free to reply here or send me a tell in #thecritters if you have more to say.
Hi!
You have an interesting premise here, but it's not original nor do you have a narrative. Without an original idea to fall back on, you risk your story failing should your narrative not be strong enough.
The thing is, banshees, as you have described them, exist in folklore and religion. It's fine to use ideas from folklore but you still need to build a story. What you have at the moment is the equivalent of saying "demons exist" and not expanding on your story. Showing how the Foundation interact with your anomaly is more important than describing what your anomaly does.
Who are your characters? Who interacts with the banshee? How do the Foundation interact with the banshee? What are the major plot points in your story, and how does it end?
(Also remember you have 400 words to write your idea. You have used 78 words, and only 30 in your central narrative. SCP articles are short stories and you need characters and a narrative to make a story.)
I hope that helps. Feel free to reply here or tag me in #thecritters if you have answers to my questions or more to say.
Why is the old man exempt from dying? And why does the banshee agree to spend time with him? By making the old man anomalous as well, you risk creating characters which overshadow your narrative, while also detracting from the banshee as your anomalous object.
Banshee in folklore herald death; they don't kill the people, they predict it. Why is this banshee different? Killing everybody in the vicinity seems a little rash too.
Why is the old man talking to D-Class personnel? Both in the sense that interviews are typically conducted by researchers, and in the sense that if the banshee kills everyone within a 1km radius every time somebody approaches it, how did the Foundation take custody of the old man?
If you want to take your story in this direction (i.e. showing the relationship between the old man and the banshee), I would suggest writing a Tale format, rather than an SCP article, because the anomaly and the Foundation are not the sole focus of your story.
Regardless of the format, the Foundation still need to feature and you still need to show how they react to the anomaly. "Scary monster kills Foundation people" is not a fantastic plotline.
How does your story end? It feels very anti-climatic at the moment, because it doesn't feature anything that happens after the Foundation takes custody of the old man. Do they take custody of the anomaly? That's what they should be trying to do, because your anomaly is the focus here. Remember that the Foundation are writing the articles in-universe, and they are writing a document about the anomaly.
Hi!
(Just a note that if this is your first article on the site you should be seeking greenlights. Even if you feel you don't need them, having them will help you later on. Having greenlights does not mean you have to write the article.)
Humanising your anomaly is an interesting (/pos) angle to approach an SCP article because the Foundation typically dehumanise their anomalies.
Currently, you have an extremely hostile presumably-Keter murder monster that becomes more human. I want to know how it becomes more human. What is the reason for it gaining emotions and what happens in your story that makes it suddenly start feeling things?
I want to know about your anomaly's emotions too. How does it feel knowing that it killed people?
The main problem with this is that you're lacking a narrative. SCP articles are short stories disguised as scientific reports, not just descriptions of anomalies. Who are your characters and how do they interact with the SCP? What's the conflict here? What are the main plot points in your story and how does your story end?
Remember that the Foundation are writing the article in-universe, and that ultimately it's about them. What the Foundation does and how they interact with the anomaly is generally more important than what the anomaly does.
In regards to your additional notes section, your article will probably be set out using a standard article format, unless you choose to write it in a different way (i.e. using a format screw, which is generally not recommended for new writers). The hook will come to you when you think more about your narrative. Think about why you want to write this article and what makes it interesting to you.
(Also remember you have 400 words to write your idea. You have used 158 words, and only 46 words in your central narrative. SCP articles are short stories and you need characters and a narrative to make a story.)
I hope that helps! Please feel free to reply here or send me a tell in #thecritters if you have more to say.
Hi!
You've got a lot going on here.
Trying to write a skip with multiple, separate anomalies is generally not a good idea, especially for first-time authors. Your anomaly is a location, basically, so of course it can contain other anomalous beings, but those anomalies being "Keter-class murder monster" and "reality bender" just comes across as you wanting to write those anomalies rather than the spacial anomaly inside the painting. You also haven't really explained how they feature in your story, beyond the things they do. How do they interact with your characters?
Using compulsion (i.e. having your anomaly force characters to touch it, rather than them doing it of their own free will) is a cliche and generally hinders your narrative. "Thing that makes you crazy and suicidal" is, once again, a cliche. If you can explain how it is relevant to your narrative, then by all means keep it in, but at the moment it just serves to add surplus information.
How did the people become trapped inside the anomaly? You could write this as a one-time thing, or as something your anomaly does (i.e. touch the anomaly, get trapped).
I think it would be better to show the story, at least partially, from the perspective of the people trapped inside the anomaly. You could do this by writing in a Tale format and switching between the two perspectives (of the people trapped inside the anomaly, and of Dr Peterej and O5-1), or in an SCP format with letters or other forms of communication from the trapped people.
on the order of the Overseer council the SCP is destroyed during a containment breach
I don't think the O5 would order a containment breach? And the Foundation don't destroy anomalies except in very specific circumstances. If the Foundation do destroy the painting, what happens to the world and the people inside it? How does Dr Peterej feel about this?
Teal deer: I want to know more about your characters and how they interact with the anomaly. You have a faint narrative here that is definitely workable, but you focus too much on cliche things your anomaly does to people and not enough on the narrative and its progression.
I hope that helps. Feel free to reply here or send me a tell in #thecritters if you have more to say.
Hi! Sorry for the wait.
I'm really torn here. On one hand, you've clearly put a lot of thought into the specifics of your narrative, and it's fairly fleshed out; I am interested in this story. On the other hand it plays into a lot of cliches and elements that are very hard to write, especially when adhering to the standards of the mainsite.
The potential issues:
Humanoid SCP: Not inherently bad, just hard to write, especially for first-time authors.
The containment procedures are essentially "give it what it wants". Employing the anomaly isn't really a thing that would happen (remember that the Foundation is a prison). In the cases where the Foundation uses anomalies for things, they are using them, not employing them.
"X-Man syndrome": Your anomaly is risking becoming an OC, rather than an SCP. If you focus too much on your anomaly's emotions along with their abilities, you risk making them into a comic book superhero, and that's not what they are.
I don't really understand the bit about the promise, and you should elaborate on that as part of your central narrative section in this thread.
(This is mostly a personal one): When writing about mental illness or other sensitive topics, please make sure you treat it accurately and with respect.
Neutral things
If your anomaly is nonverbal, you need to look into AAC. Using some form of AAC (whether it's sign language or an AAC app or something less "technical" like using body language) would allow your anomaly to communicate with its team, and with the Foundation as a whole.
The good things!
Narrative progression looks good, you've got an anomaly, you've got the Foundation, you've got your story set up, you've got a clear conflict. I'm slightly worried about the conclusion, because it currently ends on a cliffhanger, but if you explain what "the promise" is and how it fits into your story then it shouldn't be an issue.
I think this would be more interesting as a Tale, as opposed to an SCP article, purely because it's shown from your anomaly's perspective rather than the Foundation's.
I hope that helps. Feel free to reply here or send me a tell in #thecritters if you have more to say.
Hi!
I wasn't sure about the employing anomalies thing so I asked in #thecritters and apparently it is allowed, but you have to be careful with it because 1) a lot of people don't like it and 2) it can come off as being self-insert-y. A lot of the "older" researchers (think Bright, Clef, Kain Pathos-Crow) are anomalous but they were researchers first and anomalies second afaik. Teal deer: as long as you write it well and it furthers your narrative rather than just happening for the sake of it, it's fine.
Referring back to that and also to the X-Man syndrome question, remember to treat your anomaly like an object. Unless you decide to change your central narrative, the Foundation are only letting it out of containment to exploit its anomalous ability. That doesn't inherently mean they treat it badly, but it's probably not as important as it thinks it is.
In regards to the teleportation, I don't know. I think the "breaking the line of sight" thing is important, because it signifies your anomaly physically and metaphorically running away from its problems. However, I think you may run into an issue where you over-complicate your anomaly by making the teleportation feature more than it should.
If you are going to (or think you might) include the backstory in the draft, I want to see what you have on it so far. Other than maybe brief (but followed-through) references to her promise, the backstory should generally not feature majorly, lest it ends up overshadowing the rest of the narrative. If we're left questioning what the promise is, it's not going to be a super-satisfying ending.
In regards to the AAC and PTSD stuff, you seem to have it down. As long as you research and are respectful and accurate in your representation of disabled people, it's fine to write about them.
While I do agree that this would be interesting as an SCP article, Tales give you more scope to show your anomaly's reactions to things. However, it is definitely possible to write one person's emotions from the perspective of another. I don't think there's any issues with you writing this as an article, it just depends on what works for you and your reviewers at the time of writing.
In terms of cliches, I don't think there are that many here. Other than the things we've already talked about, your idea is pretty solid and your narrative seems fairly mapped-out.
Please do let me know if you want more critique from me; I'm very excited to see what you do with this. Good luck!
Hi!
The issue here is that you don't have a narrative. You have an anomalous object, which is a start, but SCP articles are short stories and without a narrative you have no story.
The most important thing when it comes to building a narrative is thinking about how the Foundation interact with your anomaly. Why do they want it? If they're going to use it for something, what are they using it for, why, and how are you going to 1) show them using the object and 2) make it interesting?
Think about what the major plot points could be and then connect them up. Especially your conclusion; how is your story going to end?
Test and experiment logs usually just serve as continued descriptions of the object, so you need to make sure they're aiding your narrative.
If you're including Gamers Against Weed, I suggest reading their GoI Hub page if you haven't already, as well as some skips that include them to see how they interact with the Foundation (and how the Foundation interacts with them).
I hope that helps. Feel free to reply here or send me a tell in #thecritters if you have more to say. Good luck!
19:28 <TawnyOwlJones> vscoober: You don't have a narrative in your idea. SCP articles are stories, and you need a narrative. You also haven't gone into much detail about how your characters interact with your anomaly, and the Foundation don't feature at all. I'm interested in hearing about the Potential New GoI though.
19:28 <vscoober> well, the GOI would be the Children of Manson
19:29 <vscoober> and the general narrative would be the interaction between the music from The Beatles and Charles Manson's interpretation and usage of them
19:29 <TawnyOwlJones> Okay, so tell me about them. What do they do in relation to your anomaly?
19:30 <vscoober> essentially, Charles Manson declares himself a god on the basis that he can control others through simply playing the guitar, but only when he plays The Beatles
19:30 <vscoober> like Helter Skelter, or Strawberry Fields Forever
19:31 <TawnyOwlJones> okay. and the songs themselves are memetic?
19:31 <vscoober> yes
19:31 <TawnyOwlJones> okay, and what's the point?
19:31 <vscoober> to explain the power behind Charles Manson's group and their actions
19:32 <vscoober> cause their group was tightly knit and almost no one gave up any information during the investigations
19:32 <TawnyOwlJones> (excuse me for not knowing anything about Charles Manson; i'm going to google some things)
19:32 <vscoober> every member claimed that "Charlie would know if they talked" and i want to suppose an idea as to why
19:33 <vscoober> it's cool, i'm a fanatic for true crimes so it's gonna be a lil overwhelming
19:33 <TawnyOwlJones> okay cool i know who we're talking about now
19:34 <vscoober> yes, funny 5'8 man who killed people
19:34 <vscoober> or i think he was shorter, maybe 5'4
19:36 <TawnyOwlJones> the memetic songs in themselves are a cool idea in theory, though you still need to explain where you plan to take this as a story, but i think you might be going too far with blaming music for the murders of multiple, very-real people. it just seems insensitive.
19:38 <vscoober> true
19:38 <vscoober> the intention was to blame the music for the control, not the actions
19:38 <vscoober> i'm still very much blaming Charles Manson for orchestrating
19:42 <TawnyOwlJones> vscoober: i understand that. cults are still very real too though, and cult leaders (with a very small number of potential exceptions) should be blamed for them. teal deer: the idea was cool until you started memeing it ("funny short man who kills people"). True crime is interesting, but you shouldn't be idolising serial killers or making jokes
19:42 <TawnyOwlJones> about their murders. feel free to talk to another critter; i thank you for your time but i'm not interested in taking this idea any further.
19:42 <vscoober> understandable, thank you for your time
19:43 <TawnyOwlJones> vscoober: of course :)
Petdoc2021: so, it's a lighthouse that (unknowingly?) consumes the world because it's interested in studying things? What perspective are you going to show the story from?
19:55 <Petdoc2021> From the researchers and D personnel perspective
19:56 <TawnyOwlJones> okay. how are your characters interacting with the lighthouse?
19:58 <Petdoc2021> the researchers would try to study it by approaching it (this will fail). Later D class would be exclusively used to collect samples and take video of the aftereffects of the entities visit.
20:00 <TawnyOwlJones> what's your conflict?
20:03 <Petdoc2021> Ok so with the first interaction the lighthouse is the scp foundation trying to study it. They go through the motions of evacuating the area and setting up sites, what have you. This interferes with the entities research. For the first occurrence the SCP leaves and goes dormant for a while. The next time it returns it takes the researchers. This
20:03 <Petdoc2021> causes the SCP to become interested in the SCP Foundation and seek them out.
20:04 <Petdoc2021> Whoops XD
20:05 <TawnyOwlJones> and the lighthouse is sentient? and sapient, presumably. how does it feel about the Foundation interfering with its study, and how does it communicate that?
20:09 <Petdoc2021> I was torn between deciding if it is actually upset or not. It could be it found something it felt was interesting but now something else has come along that is even better. Like i was looking for gold but found diamonds. Where did this come from is there more?
20:10 <Petdoc2021> I should probably be using commas.
20:11 <TawnyOwlJones> Petdoc2021: can you rephrase what you said before?
20:14 <Petdoc2021> Basically, I would say the SCP is know intrigued with the foundation so now it seeks them out.
20:14 <Petdoc2021> Damn still no comma.
20:14 <TawnyOwlJones> and how does it know about the Foundation's existence?
20:15 <TawnyOwlJones> don't worry about the commas, this is the crit chat, punctuation doesn't exist, it says, using four commas in a sentence
20:16 <Petdoc2021> Ah! By studying the researchers. The researchers know of a sites location so the entity would visit and "study" the site.
20:18 <TawnyOwlJones> Petdoc2021: nice, now we're getting somewhere. you said your story was written from the perspectives of the Foundation researchers. How do they respond to the lighthouse studying them?
20:22 <Petdoc2021> At first they would send out mobile task force to the entity (This fails.) Then they try to evacuate the site but quickly find they can not leave. Things within the facility begin to warp, time is sped up or slowed down, things decay or are rejuvenated.
20:31 <TawnyOwlJones> Petdoc2021: but what are the implications of the foundation's actions? the facility existing in a messed-up time bubble is your conflict but what's your conclusion?
20:37 <Petdoc2021> TawnyOwlJones That by interfering with something they don't understand has caused an entity to target them. If they had left it alone it would have been more than happy to continue studying and collecting mundane things. It's the arrogance of thinking they can control anything which may leave to their down fall.
"Containment of SCP-XXXX focuses on the suppression of information of the entity instead of physical containment." This sentence is mostly fine but I feel like "information of the entity" doesn't fit? "Knowledge of the existence of the entity" is longer and may sacrifice the clinical tone but also may convey your meaning better.
"Individuals reported as missing" —-> "Individuals reported missing"
Although there is no canon and you can do whatever you want, I recommend reading the amnestics guides. Three days is not a particularly long time to be missing memories, especially given the traumatic circumstances, and I personally believe the Foundation would probably not bother providing a witness with false memories for such a short period of time.
Why are "good relations" required between the Foundation and SCP-XXXX?
Add a footnote containing the definition of "ontokinesis". I know it means "reality bending" but if this is the first article a person reads it's likely they'll have to google it which might make them less interested in reading the rest of the article.
What makes SCP-XXXX "on par with a Class-II reality bender" instead of BEING a Class-II reality bender?
What does "SAFE" stand for?
I take personal issue with 3-10 days being a "prolonged" period of time but honestly the word choice is fine and I can't think of a better alternative.
Why does SCP-XXXX feel the need to help people? What's its motive? What does it gain?
The Jacob Fisher Journal is good so far, obviously needs more entries but I know it isn't finished. My only issue is that Jacob Fisher is also your research head; you either need to justify that/explain it in the story or change his name.
Overall, I like this story. It's got a clear narrative, and fleshed-out characters. Writing it as an Archon entity is interesting, I'd like to hear more about why it shouldn't be contained. Presumably it's not only one entity, and therefore the Foundation could contain one instance of it and leave the rest.
Alternatively, if it is only one entity, how does it travel so far? How does it choose who to save?
22:31 <Top> "Why are "good relations" required between the Foundation and SCP-XXXX?" The idea is that, if the Foundation is on good terms with the entity, it'd be more likely for it to save MIA Foundation employees
22:31 <Top> "What makes SCP-XXXX "on par with a Class-II reality bender" instead of BEING a Class-II reality bender?" I realized I kinda didn't have a reason for wording it like this, so I just changed it to make SCP-XXXX a Class-II
22:32 <Top> "What does "SAFE" stand for?" It honestly doesn't mean anything, I just liked how it looked like that
22:33 <Top> "Why does SCP-XXXX feel the need to help people? What's its motive? What does it gain?" I'd like to imagine that SCP-XXXX is doing this out of the goodness of its heart. It's not gaining anything out of this
22:33 <Top> I did, however, have an idea for another reason why its doing this, but I'm not sure if I wanna implement or not
22:35 <Top> "My only issue is that Jacob Fisher is also your research head; you either need to justify that/explain it in the story or change his name." The idea for this is to subtly imply that, after the Foundation got his journal and he graduated, they hired him and brought him on as Research Head for SCP-XXXX
22:36 <Top> "Writing it as an Archon entity is interesting, I'd like to hear more about why it shouldn't be contained." Honestly, I'm seeing this as the Foundation not wanting to contain but because it's beneficial to humanity, and it'd do more harm to physically contain it than to let it roam free.
22:37 <Top> I know there's articles out there where the Foundation contains anomalies regardless of whether not it helps people, but I want this to be nice, wholesome little article
22:40 <Top> "Alternatively, if it is only one entity, how does it travel so far? How does it choose who to save?" If anything, it probably uses teleportation. I also thought about apportion, cause that'd leave EVE wherever it goes, making the job easier for the Foundation, but I'm not sure
22:40 <Top> I think that's all the questions you had, but I might've missed some
22:45 <TawnyOwlJones> hi! sorry for the delay, im in about five different conversations atm
22:46 <Top> no, thats alright! im open all day, so feel free to just respond whenever you can!
22:50 <TawnyOwlJones> 1+2+3) fine, those are fair justifications
22:50 <TawnyOwlJones> 4) interesting. I feel you need to specify this, at least through some sort of speculation. feel free to tell me about the idea
22:50 <TawnyOwlJones> 5) I think you need a timeline. if you're using the research head's diary entries in his own article, you need to explain that, or at least note the current date vs the date the articles were written.
22:50 <TawnyOwlJones> 6) fair. i do love a wholesome article
22:50 <TawnyOwlJones> 7) first half is reasonable, and it's up to you to decide how it moves around. i still want to know how it chooses who to save. what are the criteria?
23:05 <Top> oh, i forgot to answer the last half of the last question. my bad! honestly, i could see it preferring to save younger people over older ones. insert something about younger people having more potential
"Specialized Containment Procedures" —-> Special Containment Procedures
Get rid of the fragment sentences, e.g. "(Classified as SCP-XXXX-1)" can be written as "If any rooms or structures not consistent with a building's original plans are found, they are to be classified as SCP-XXXX-1 and appropriate research is to be conducted within the structure"
Basic SPaG stuff is an issue throughout, really. Correct your spelling and punctuation, reword some of the sentences, and correct the clinical tone where it's lacking, e.g. "even a live human".
"Approximately 864 kilometres". That's quite specific for an approximate value.
"Trinity" should be capitalised.
"American Alamogordo Desert" —-> "Jornada del Muerto", presuming you are reporting from now rather than then, unless you can justify it.
Clinical tone is lacking in places in your description but not badly; clean it up.
Narrative-wise, you don't really have characters or a narrative here but I'm presuming by your reference to Addendum-XXXX.1 (and subsequent lack of said addendum) that your draft isn't finished yet.
From reading through your concept thread, I don't see any of the narrative from your idea copied into your draft. You had plans for a discovery log and diary entries that, while they likely wouldn't fully create a coherent narrative on the first draft, would further your narrative and the connection to your characters far more than just using description as you currently have in your sandbox.
You weren't online when I finished this so here it is. I liked your Tale overall. I really genuinely enjoyed reading it, it progresses well, the narrative isn't disjointed, the characters are well-developed. I hope it does really well when you post it because both you and it deserve it. The crit i've typed out is really just SPaG errors, and not many of them.
lack of consistency with oxford commas. use them or don't, but be consistent with them.
already pale —-> already-pale?
wide imposing form —-> wide, imposing form
car peals out —-> car peels out (i think; i googled)
underneath it, there's another scene —-> underneath it there's another scene
cul-de-sac in the corner —-> cul-de-sac on the corner??
canopy of darkness with —-> canopy of darkness, with
but here, I'm a God —-> but here I'm a God
I'm standing in front you —-> I'm standing in front of you
and with you grabbing onto me —-> and you grabbing onto me
the room whose sight —-> the sight of which
sinks like the titanic —-> sinks like the Titanic
need transfusion —-> needs transfusion?
his cheeks, they're like —-> his cheeks they're like
I look fucking ugly as a baby —-> I was fucking ugly as a baby OR I looked fucking ugly as a baby
Not even a, "Mr Stark" —-> Not even a "Mr Stark"
You probably shouldn't have unspecified ConProcs. If you're going to specify later on in the article, you need to put the number in the ConProcs and say something like "as was established through testing".
Also, why is no human allowed near your anomaly? You need to either explain that, or delete the sentence.
"Subject to modernisation" doesn't mean anything to me. I understand what it means from reading the rest of the article, but you need to explain what it means in your description.
"Special Containment Procedures involving the Imprisonment of Sandra Packwood are disallowed until this evidence is provided". Is she not in prison in your ConProcs? I'm confused.
"And what if you are wrong and there is an anomaly present" —-> "And what if you are wrong and there is an anomaly present?"
General SPaG errors throughout your observation log.
Do smartboards not rely on overhead projectors?
Your footnote link doesn't work. I don't know if that's intentional.
What's the point of the magnet?
Actually, what's the point of any of your observation log? I get that it displays what your anomaly does, but it's also really the only time your anomaly is mentioned, which makes your narrative incredibly disjointed. Your anomaly barely factors into your story at all.
I suggest looking at this from a different angle, since the ethical argument that happening in the phone calls is interesting. I want to know why the Foundation have a department that isn't the Ethics Committee, yet seems to be deciding which anomalies shouldn't be contained.
Overall I like the idea, but the characters (especially your anomaly) needs more development and your narrative needs work. I recommend redrafting, and I'm happy to take another look then.
21:25 <TawnyOwlJones> happy to have a conversation about any of these points
21:28 <Ethagon> First of, thanks for the crit!
21:28 <TawnyOwlJones> absolutely no problem :)
21:29 <Ethagon> The point about the unspecified ConProcs and Description was supposed to be that there are just not sure at that point how the anomaly actually functions
21:29 <TawnyOwlJones> one second, let me grab your draft again
21:32 <TawnyOwlJones> okay, so i think your acs bar serves that purpose. the conprocs and description just really look… unfinished? and theyre not connected to the rest of the story because you never clarify that theyre unfinished in-universe. if that makes sense?
21:34 <Ethagon> Do you think another sentence in the description would be enough for that?
21:35 <TawnyOwlJones> i don't know, i think it would depend on the sentence
21:36 <TawnyOwlJones> i also think you need to justify why "no human is to come closer to the Containment Chamber of SCP-XXXX than its influence radius" and explain about modernisation in your description
21:38 <Ethagon> Something along the lines of "What exactly this entails has yet to be established through testing after SCP-XXXX is contained"
21:38 <TawnyOwlJones> hmm
21:38 <TawnyOwlJones> maybe
21:39 <Ethagon> The human thing is just that they don't want people to be anomalously be influenced. I think I'll just delete that part
21:39 <TawnyOwlJones> i think your description should account for the whole article rather than leaving people to find out your containment procedures further down the article
21:40 <TawnyOwlJones> yeah, that's fine. as i said before, either mention it in the logs or delete it entirely
21:43 <Ethagon> I'll think about something a bit less broad then "modernization", but to be honest I want the gist of it revealed in the observation log
21:44 <TawnyOwlJones> yeah, that's fair
21:45 <Ethagon> And what if you are wrong and there is an anomaly present, what was the mistake here?
21:45 <TawnyOwlJones> oh, put a question mark on the end, it's a question
21:45 <Ethagon> Aaah
21:47 <Ethagon> Is there a different name specifically old overhead projectors, that can only project transparent foils? That's what is being replaced by a smartboard
21:47 <Ethagon> *specifically for
21:47 <TawnyOwlJones> oh, i dont know
21:47 <TawnyOwlJones> one second
21:48 <TawnyOwlJones> i know what you mean, but i dont know what to replace it with
21:48 <TawnyOwlJones> i suggest just describing it?
21:49 <Ethagon> okay
21:52 <Ethagon> So the point of the observation log was to, a bit in parallel to the phone calls, showcase changes. most of these are positive, but then you come to more negative ones like only having online lectures, ambulance only being eletrical or the magnet in the hand as a bit of an extrem
21:52 <TawnyOwlJones> okay
21:53 <TawnyOwlJones> it works in parallel to the phone calls; it's kind of disconnected, but it works i guess
21:53 <TawnyOwlJones> why does it matter whether they're positive or negative effects? what influences that?
21:57 <Ethagon> Hmm I think positive and negative are the wrong terms. More going too far with modernization like Roberts thinks Weld does
21:59 <TawnyOwlJones> like Roberts thinks Weld does what? goes too far?
21:59 <TawnyOwlJones> although, that's fair
21:59 <Ethagon> yeah
21:59 <TawnyOwlJones> why the magnet though? why/how/etc i.e. what is the point of the magnet
22:01 <Ethagon> I wanted something really extreme. Maybe an implanted key card would be better?
22:04 <TawnyOwlJones> key card would be cool. i still don't understand why she would do it though?
22:08 <Ethagon> The pacemaker is influencing her decisions. Instead of caring a key card (or a regular key) around you can have one implanted
22:09 <TawnyOwlJones> OH
22:09 <TawnyOwlJones> so the ACS bar at the bottom of the page was part of your draft? i presumed it was a different anomaly
22:09 <TawnyOwlJones> one second
22:10 <TawnyOwlJones> well that makes a bit more sense
22:10 <TawnyOwlJones> okay
22:19 <Ethagon> By the way, the footnote is working for me. I don't know what is up with that
22:20 <TawnyOwlJones> i reloaded the page and it's fine now. idk what happened
22:21 <TawnyOwlJones> do you have any more question?
22:21 <TawnyOwlJones> *questions?
22:25 <Ethagon> EXaRD's (the department Weld is directing) actual job is everything relating too Explained anomalies, but specifically for human anomalies they got permission form the ethics committee to check whether they're anomalous before containment. Should I make this more clear?
22:26 <TawnyOwlJones> yes, you should make it clear that they work with human anomalies in conjunction with the ethics committee
22:28 <Ethagon> Will do. Did anything bother you in the reclassification or the email?
22:28 <TawnyOwlJones> i dont think so? let me reread
22:37 <TawnyOwlJones> sorry for the delay, im doing a lot of things at once
22:38 <Ethagon> No worries
22:38 <TawnyOwlJones> i dont see a reclassification or an email in your current draft?
22:38 <Ethagon> I just meant the second ACS and the collapsible under it
22:39 <TawnyOwlJones> oh i didnt see the scipnet
22:39 <TawnyOwlJones> one second
22:40 <TawnyOwlJones> isnt her name sandra packwood? you wrote sarah in the second acs
22:40 <Ethagon> ups
22:40 <Ethagon> yeah, it's sandra
22:40 <TawnyOwlJones> im thinking about the risk class, idk if warning fits, but if you personally feel it fits better then go for it
22:41 <TawnyOwlJones> the email looks good :)
22:42 <Ethagon> you think the second level risk class (don't know the name) would be better?
22:42 <TawnyOwlJones> caution?
22:42 <Ethagon> yeah
22:42 <TawnyOwlJones> im not sure, i recommend reading the list of acs classes and seeing which one you think fits the best
22:43 <Ethagon> Alright, thank you again for having a look
22:43 <TawnyOwlJones> no problem!
The titles of your draft and your post in the drafts critique forum are different.
Your ACS is a little weird; you have a source link and an item number that you shouldn't have above it. In the same vein, were you intending on using an image? Either add the image or delete the image code block. Also if you could give me a brief explanation of why you chose those classes for your ACS that would be wonderful.
I have immediate questions. Is SCP-XXXX-1 anomalous? I think, just from scanning, that SCP-XXXX-1 is actually your anomaly, because he's creating the newspapers, which makes him SCP-XXXX and them SCP-XXXX-1 instances. Please correct me if I'm wrong.
There is no canon obviously, but, according to this amnestics guide (which is technically an essay I think), Class-A amnestics deconsolidate memories at random within the past 5-6 hours of a subject's memory; Class-B amnestics deconsolidate memories from the most recent memories backwards. I see how memetics factor into your skip, I don't see how it has anything to do with amnestics classes, nor how anybody can hypothetically avoid memetic influence from your skip.
Why have attempts at orchestrating formal interviews proven impossible?
Level 2 researchers make up a good proportion of most Foundation Sites. Level 2 is the lowest Security Clearance a researcher can hold. There's nothing inherently wrong with allowing Level 2 researchers to carry out research on your anomaly, but you should rephrase the sentence ("no foundation personnel are to be permitted") because that's not how security clearances work. Guide here2.
The "X" in "Site X" should either be a number or a blackbox. Blackboxing guide here3.
I think it's spelt "occult", but idk.
"or on rare occasions evoking" —-> "or, on rare occasions, evoking"
"SCP-XXXX-1 is a Caucasian male appearing to be close to 14 years-old" —-> "SCP-XXXX-1 is a 14-year-old Caucasian male"
I would think the Foundation would have a way to contain entities with access to teleportation. If you can justify an uncontainable entity, you can write one, but you don't really have a justification here.
"3 to 6 cents American" —-> "3 to 6 US cents"
"often appearing oblivious to hostilities". You said before that it was capable of teleportation and that did teleport away from harm. (edit: potentially scratch that, but I would still like to know why it is oblivious to hostilities)
"in the thirty fifth" —-> "on the thirty-fifth" (presuming it's a date?)
"Oh doy". Typo or intentional? You also need punctuation.
"tell that to strangers mister" —-> "tell that to strangers, mister" (and the same for the rest where it says "mister")
Give your Pvt. a name. Also, they'd probably just be "Agent"; MTFs are paramilitaristic and they don't follow the same ranking system as, say, a national military.
Add a line break between the last line of dialogue and the end log.
I'm not a huge fan of blackboxing. Pick a random state for the location of Agent Ramirez's apartment; it's fine to blackbox the specific town or county or whatever.
I don't know much about memetics, but from what I can see I can't imagine that memetics could cause blindness. While the event makes sense in your narrative, you should still explain and/or justify this.
I don't see why Agent Ramirez would be subject to amnesticisation. He presumably already knows about a lot of anomalies, why is this one any different?
"kings" —-> "Kings"
Keter Class has nothing to do with danger level. Object Classes are about ease of containment.
"Automization" —-> "Automation" OR "Automatization"
SCP-5840-1 instances are pandas. You want something along the lines of "beverages identical to that carried by instances of SCP-5840-1"
"passerby's" to "passers-by"
Give your MTF a title (if you want). "MTF-[GREEK LETTER]-[NUMBER] ("COOL NICKNAME")" is standard but do what you want.
"carfentanyl" —-> "carfentanil" OR "fentanyl"
"13 m" —-> "13m" OR "13 metres"
"their hostile intentions" your MTF is not going to be called "hostile" by their own employers. I get your point, but you probably need a different word.
Overall, I love this. In regard to your questions on your forum post, you don't seem to have any crosslinks, the dialogue is definitely believable, and I've critted your containment procedures above. If you make major revisions to your draft, I'd love to read it again.
Hi, just a quick reply rn, I might update it later idk.
It wasn't the SCP-1234 number in the ACS that I was referencing, you have a source code block and a sentence that says "item number" in the space above your ACS, which you don't need.
Re: crosslinks. I didn't see any references to other SCPs? I might have missed something?
You don't need to expand his anomalous abilities unless you feel the need to. I think maybe elaborate a little about why he has those abilities?
oh, no, that wasn't what i meant. Amnestics works for civilians in general, i was specifically asking about Agent Ramirez; he's a Foundation Agent, and therefore is trusted with information. Do what you want, obviously, I'm just throwing ideas around.
Hello! Sorry for the delay, I've had a lot of IRL stuff to deal with. The groups I've put the crit in aren't super well-defined and they do overlap a bit because I critted it all at once and then separated once I was finished, but I tried. If you make major revisions to your draft, I'd love to see it again.
SPaG Examples/Line-by-line
1)
"sweet sugary chemicals" —-> "sweet, sugary chemicals"
"cliche" —-> "cliché"
"high horse William" —-> "high horse, William"
"The demon the venus flytrap" —-> "The demon, the venus flytrap"
"And the father the braindead fly" —-> "And the father, the braindead fly"
2)
"February, mirror dew" —-> "February mirror dew"
"chlorophyll green" feels weird, idk. I think maybe just say "leaves of oak, birch, and cherry trees"
oxford commas! use them or don't, but be consistent.
"night activated lights" —-> "night-activated lights"
"fauna" refers to animals, the word you're looking for is "flora", in reference to plants.
"passenger side window" —-> "passenger-side window"
"why did you break?" —-> "why did you brake?"
"fauna" —-> "flora" again
"trainers proving" —-> "trainers, proving"
"car Shelby" —-> "car, Shelby" (or just "car"; you don't need to say her name because we already know it)
"pylon wire connection site" I'm confused as to why this is relevant.
"like you Shelby" —-> "like you, Shelby"
"Ok" —-> "Okay"
"Julliet" —-> "Juliet"
"Like an actor playing Romeo kissing his Juliet colleague during casting" delete this
"on some reality" —-> "onto some reality"
"ocean blue flooding" —-> "ocean blue flooding"
"not freeze to death" —-> "not freeze to death?"
"like I have had droplets of alcohol running through my system" —-> "like I have alcohol in my system"
"nasal passage" —-> "nasal passages"
3)
"I have been trying" —-> "I've been trying"
"Not what romance is Shelby" —-> "Not what romance is, Shelby"
"What does that mean" —-> "What does that mean?"
"cupid's arrow" —-> "Cupid's arrow"
"big plan accidentlies" what word is this supposed to be?
"Sinking into the leather rock (i meant sofa)" then change it??
"Work, work should do it" —-> "Work; work should do it"
"identical twin brother" —-> "twin brother" (you establish in the next sentence that they're identical, and you don't need to say it twice)
"global HP, disclosed" —-> "global HP disclosed"
"I am taking" —-> "that I'm taking"
"high paid job offers" —-> "high-paid job offers"
"(high paid in the world of journalism)" delete this
"echoing painful sobs of Zack" is it Zack crying? or Shelby remembering her time with him?
5)
"basement's darkness heading" —-> "basement's darkness, heading"
"behind me and if" —-> "behind me, and if"
"mimic" —-> "mimicing"
"is she scared she will lose me?" —-> "is she scared she'll lose me?"
"Wouldn't I have to hit my head harder" —-> "Wouldn't I have to have hit my head harder"
6)
"Shelby how come?" —-> "Shelby, how come?"
"I began to drip tears" this does not make sense, please just say "cry"
"maiter" —-> "matter"
"the tears before" —-> "the tears, before"
"leg" ??? what???
"Then explain that then Zack, what is it" —-> "Then explain that then, Zack, what is it?"
"Why even ask Zack?" —-> "Why even ask, Zack?"
"verbal hallucinations" —-> "auditory hallucinations"
"rational answer Shelby" —-> "rational answer, Shelby"
"hearing things Shel" —-> "hearing things, Shel"
"I have seen today" —-> "I've seen today"
"today, I cannot and because I cannot I get stressed" —-> "today, I cannot and, because I cannot, I get stressed"
“By any chance is it because ye can’t explain what has been happening? Because I have some possible causes.” “I’ve explained the noises, the deer could possibly be Charles Bonnet Syndrome at the extreme, but your mum has it, so you never know. How’s your sight?” This should be in one paragraph because they're both Zack's lines.
"20/20 Zack" —-> "20/20, Zack"
"no Zack has the lightest" —-> "no, Zack has the lightest"
"than ye did.” Was his diagnosis" —-> "than ye did,” was his diagnosis"
"formerly trapped leg" —-> "formally-trapped leg"
"right-hand" —-> "right hand"
"releasing her error" —-> "realising her error"
“Nicola, what do you want," —-> "“Nicola, what do you want?"
"Zack asked?" —-> "Zack asked."
“Anything, my brother’s gone missing and I’m looking for any hope he is alive” —-> “Anything. My brother’s gone missing; I’m looking for any hope that he's alive."
Overall SPaG Crit
The SPaG examples are from the beginning of your draft, but there's a lot of the same issues throughout your entire draft. You have problems with changing tenses, using the wrong punctuation, and having incorrect sentence structure. I suggest using the examples I have provided in the SPaG LBL and extrapolating that into the rest of your draft.
Bad or mediocre SPaG makes drafts really hard to read, and means that people are less likely to read your work in full than if you had good SPaG. With a draft this long, SPaG is especially important.
Overall Narrative Crit
When you have two characters speaking similar but different languages to each other, you risk breaking the flow of your dialogue.
I mentioned it in IRC before, but your Scots dialogue isn't consistent. Pick the words that Zack uses in Scots, and have him use them consistently.
Your story seems to imply that Shelby knows Nicola, but that means you don't really introduce Nicola; she doesn't feel like a whole character until Shelby starts hallucinating her.
You should typically avoid collapsibles in Tales. The interview block in 11 feels out of place, and the line breaks in the interview block don't serve a purpose. The interview itself is really only reiterating what your readers already know, with the exception of the stuff about Nicola's car. I recommend rewording the important information in the interview and adding it into the main text.
The reintroduction of the prologue in 15 works incredibly well. I was going to mention something about how the prologue felt detached, almost like a WL piece rather than an SCP one, but it no longer applies.
(Written at 18) A lot of this seems to be dragging on. As much as I care about Shelby, I still don't know what your anomaly is, and there's only so much I can read about Shelby 1) not finding stuff out about Finn's disappearance and 2) hallucinating. It doesn't really serve to build suspense, and it seems a little repetitive.
"My living room" in 20: I presumed Shelby was at the cabin?
"terrified amnesia" in 21: amnesia is not the word you're looking for. you might be thinking of "insomnia"?
The message to Isla in 21 and Isla's reply in 22 would work better in formatted div boxes to separate them from the rest of the text.
25: Emma/Ellie Mcguire: pick one name
25: Maybe put the cases in a div box? It's fine as it is, but it might serve to separate it from the rest of the text and highlight them as being important parts of your narrative.
27: Referencing creepypasta might not be a good idea, but idk.
28: I still don't know what your anomaly is. I know from reading your ideas forum thread that the cabin is anomalous but in your actual draft it just seems like Shelby's hallucinating everything, or maybe at a stretch that Zack is the anomaly. Unless you changed it, you need to make it clear that it's the cabin affecting Shelby and Zack.
31: Why does Shelby kill Nicola? By accident?
I hope that helps. Please feel free to reply to this post or send me a Wikidot PM or a tell in #thecritters if you have answers or additional questions.
10:20 <Abra> Right, is the ending complete rubbish? (Also Nicola's death is meant to be an accident, foreshadowed by Shelby's jumpiness)
10:21 <TawnyOwlJones> I don't think so. I don't think the ending is written as well as it could be, but I certainly don't think it's bad
10:21 <Abra> ok
10:22 <TawnyOwlJones> that's fair enough about Nicola's death; i just didn't really understand that when i read it
10:22 <Abra> I just wasn't a fan of it. Just wanted to check if that was just me
10:22 <TawnyOwlJones> I'm presuming you rushed the ending? if not, I apologise, but I suggest focusing on the last couple of sections narrative-wise
10:22 <TawnyOwlJones> can you rephrase that?
10:23 <Abra> I did rush the ending. What do you want me to rephrase?
10:23 <TawnyOwlJones> that's okay, i think you just need to look at it more
10:24 <TawnyOwlJones> > I just wasn't a fan of it. Just wanted to check if that was just me
10:24 <TawnyOwlJones> rephrase that ^
10:24 <Abra> I didn't like how the ending turned out.
10:24 <Abra> I'm quite pessimistic, so I just wanted to see if it was just my pessimism clouding my judgement
10:26 <TawnyOwlJones> yeah, I didn't really vibe with it either, in comparison to the rest of the Tale, because I do think it needs work. I suggest applying my critique if you haven't already and then going into #thecritters and asking to brainstorm about the ending with someone (Zoobeeny is good with conclusions if they're around)
10:26 <TawnyOwlJones> i'm not in there today, because I overworked myself
10:27 <TawnyOwlJones> I don't think the ending is really bad, so if youre thinking that then that's just pessimism, but I do think it needs reworking
10:27 <Abra> ye, I think apart from sentence structure that was the main issue
10:28 <TawnyOwlJones> narrative-wise, the repetitiveness and the rushed ending were the main issues, yes
10:34 <TawnyOwlJones> you still here?
10:34 <Abra> ye
10:34 <Abra> I was copying the base I used for character planning
10:35 <Abra> could you expand on the repetitivenes
10:35 <Abra> *repetiviness
10:35 <Abra> (I cannot spell lmao)
10:35 <TawnyOwlJones> it's okay, take your time
10:37 <TawnyOwlJones> yeah, so it just felt like a lot of time was spent on Shelby hallucinating, getting absolutely nowhere in terms of Finn's disappearance, and being scared of and/or angry with Zack. In terms of narrative progression, it was at a stand-still for a lot of your draft.
10:37 <Abra> ok
10:37 <TawnyOwlJones> it's good to show your characters' emotions, but it just felt like a broken record
10:40 <Abra> right
10:41 <TawnyOwlJones> i hope that's okat
10:41 <TawnyOwlJones> *okay
10:41 <TawnyOwlJones> do you have any more questions?
10:41 <Abra> That's all chill
10:41 <Abra> Where did I go right?
10:46 <TawnyOwlJones> I liked Shelby and Zack as characters. I liked the part where Shelby finds out Zack isn't real. There were sentences where I thought "wow that's really clever", in terms of comedy, foreshadowing, or just general sentence-craft. Overall, I really enjoyed it; there weren't really many major issues except the stuff I already mentioned.
10:46 <TawnyOwlJones> sorry for the delay, my cat was walking on my keyboard
10:47 <Abra> It's all chill. I'm asking so I know what part of the skeleton I can keep in
10:47 <Abra> And where I can take the sledgehammer to
10:49 <TawnyOwlJones> Okay! Like I said before, I recommend cutting out a lot of the repetitive stuff. It's worth keeping in the parts (like with the deer and nicola's car) where it's not quite obvious at first that Shelby is hallucinating, but you don't need to keep mentioning that she's imagining everything, because we already know that
10:50 <Abra> Ok. Thank you again
(A Stoner's Paradise — renamed Better inWeedients, Better Pizza, Papa John's)
MTF Delta-20 ("Blaze it") -> MTF Delta-20 ("Blaze It")
22:10 <TawnyOwlJones> "Pizza's created within SCP-XXXX are comprised of wood, pine sap, and an unknown substance that are anatomically altered through the on-site oven." Should be "Pizzas" and ""unknown substance and are anatomically altered".
22:10 <TawnyOwlJones> "J.R. Hadid: You name, please." -> "J.R. Hadid: Your name, please."
22:10 <TawnyOwlJones> I presume "SAUCE" is a pun rather than a mispelling?
22:10 <TawnyOwlJones> that's it
22:11 <TawnyOwlJones> overall, it slapped incredibly hard. i'm presuming it's meant to be comedy. either way, it was funny, i enjoyed it, it has good characters and solid narrative progression, nice one.
I think it's clever to write that your anomaly doesn't require ConProcs, but if it's Neutralised then surely it used to have ConProcs that are now void, as opposed to having no ConProcs in the first place. [Edit after crit: I was skeptical and I still kind of am, but overall I agree you don't need ConProcs.]
I don't think "stolid" is the word you want? Unless I'm reading it wrong.
"mass psychogenic illness" - why "illness"? it feels more like a very-short-term thing, rather than an illness. I can't think of the word. You then immediately mention "the event", which feels blunt because it wasn't mentioned prior.
"The majority of the wildfire was subterranean as it had set the peat beneath the moor alight" - this sentence is hard to say. I would suggest rewording it to not include the "as".
The ending is phenomenal, holy hell I was not expecting that. I was like "where is this going" for basically the entire article because it felt a little disjointed; but damn, that's so good.
"whose combination" —-> "the combination of which"
"by the then head researcher" —-> "by the head researcher"
"O5 Council" - not the Ethics Committee?
"Exploration log 570-0" - are you planning on writing this log?
"Carbon dating traces the age of the remains to as early as the 17th Century, while the most recent dates to the 1930s." - do you mean "the age of the oldest remains"?
"app e cia e" - if this says "appreciate" it should be on one line.
I'm presuming Addendum 570-1 is unfinished?
I personally don't think you should blackbox the Foundation site or the location of the burial mound, but that's just my personal opinion.
If the letter is translated, would it not have full words? I like the effect, but surely it would be translated in full?
Overall, this is good. I like the letter at the end and how it ties into a person, rather than just having an anomalous thing that does a thing. I certainly prefer it infinitely to the current 570. It's kept the Series I vibe as well, while still having a fleshed-out narrative.
worn SCP-570 on their hand
Is it not a sock?
completely hunched backward
"hunched forward"?
I don't like the amount of blackboxing but it is a Series 1 rewrite so maybe it's okay?
I honestly liked it when it ended with the letter, but the horror stuff in the collapsibles is well written. It feels a little disconnected from the rest of the narrative, and doesn't seem to come to a satisfying conclusion. It's almost like you explained too much with the interview and the exploration log. The interview only really serves to tell us what we already know (also in-universe it can function as a "here's how we know this"); the exploration log is more interesting but you talk about a lot of things and then don't elaborate. Leaving the D-Class in the burial mound, while technically symbolic, is not a super satisfying ending for me, personally. It just seems to fall flat at the end.
(Totally Not Guns Akimbo)
"The only noise he could make were wet gargling sounds" - "The only noise he could make was wet gargling sounds" is probably the easiest correction for this sentence.
"As if skinning someone alive and tearing out their vocal cords were unnecessary" - "was unnecessary"
"Ah, who am I kidding" —-> "Ah, who am I kidding?"
""Hello, Amir," She said." —-> ""Hello, Amir," she said."
""Oy Gevalt lady, I don't"" —-> ""Oy Gevalt, lady, I don't""
""Relax man"" —-> ""Relax, man""
"rather unusually sized hole" —-> "rather unusually-sized hole"
"anchovies in a can" - is it not sardines?
""Is she dual weilding pistols?"" —-> ""Is she dual-wielding pistols?""
"too dense of Mark and Paul" —-> "too dense for Mark and Paul"
"marble floor but didn't have the tiem to question it" —-> "marble floor but didn't have the time to question it"
"crudely shaped" —-> "crudely-shaped"
"Gerald couldn't see this from the office he stole from her now could he?" —-> "Gerald couldn't see this from the office he stole from her, now could he?"
""Anartists," She thought aloud." —-> ""Anartists," she thought aloud."
"Two of the objects was stolen, and in the chaos no one bothered to clean up after themselves." —-> "Two of the objects were stolen, and, in the chaos, no one had bothered to clean up after themselves."
Overall, I love this a lot. The pacing is great, I was kind of concerned it was just going to be gore, but it wasn't and the earlier scenes add characterisation and further your narrative. 10/10 banging tale, Mars. Nice one.
"winter equipment" is vague; be specific.
"thirty two" —-> "thirty-two"
"a few snowflakes" breaks clinical tone. "snowflakes" would be a better alternative.
"does not light, consumes, or alter it" —-> "does not light, consume, or alter it"
"When closing the lit of SCP-649" —-> "When closing the lid of SCP-649"
"19/04/1987, from" —-> "19/04/1987, in"
"faint, small silhouettes" —-> "small, faint silhouettes"
Overall, I really like it. It reads significantly better than the original, without straying far from the original idea, and the narrative feels more connected and coherent.
"generally cooperative behavior" —-> "generally-cooperative behavior"
"D-1226 had a small shock" - not clinical tone. I don't know exactly how to correct it though, sorry.
"When the matches would not lit" —-> "When the match would not light"
"halucinate" —-> "hallucinate"
"murmered" —-> "murmured"
"quitely" —-> "quietly"
"threatment" —-> "treatment"
I think it would make more sense to have this experiment after the next one rather than before it.
Foundation agents posing as SCP-XXXX in place of it for needed online public statements - SCP-XXXX is the statue's head, correct? I don't understand how people can pretend to be part of a statue.
I think it's intentional that the reader doesn't know exactly what SCP-XXXX-A is until halfway through the ConProcs (which is fine), but I had to read the ConProcs several times to try to connect the lines between the statue and the music. i.e. it's confusing because they don't obviously fit together; it's like you're talking about two different skips rather than one skip and the tangible effect of that skip.
"prosopagnosia; the inability to recognize familiar faces including their own" perhaps the definition would fit better in a footnote?
"Cover depicts a set of balance scales, one weighing dish has been broken off" - semi-colon instead of comma
"Instance is three hour and 50 minutes in length" - "hours" instead of "hour"; use numbers or words for integers, but be consistent.
"which slowly becomes less distorted and distant" - less distorted and less distant? or less distorted and more distant? (this isn't me asking you to change the words, the sentence is fine, this is me not understanding the meaning of the sentence.)
"DATE PRODUCED: 2021/09/03, 08:79" - "08:79"????
"Site-65's entrance door opening chime" —-> "Site-65's entrance door's opening chime"
"Samples of yoga videos as persist" - "as persist"??? do you mean "also persist"?
Narrative-wise, this plays out really well. I predicted the ending a couple of logs before the end, but it just made me want to read it more.
"Suspect has the capacity to change their bodies via anomalous means" - "capacity" -> "ability"; "their bodies" -> "their body"
I'm not familiar with the UIU format but shouldn't "he constantly has a red nose and clown makeup on" be "he constantly wears a red nose and clown makeup"?
"as big as possible with in width or height" - "with in" —-> "within"
"Suspect has also been seen able to produce a large amount of pies from a pocket which he only says is "a pocket dimension"" - full stop/period at the end of this sentence
"potential reality warping abilities" —-> "potential reality-warping abilities"
"their actual name has been preserved in a separate document under a false name" - this isn't a SPaG or narrative issue, I'm just confused as to how their actual name can be under a false name.
"Whats more weird is that no one reacted to it" - "Whats" —-> "What's"
"skip the cue" —-> "skip the queue"
"seeing a fancy dressed man" —-> "seeing a fancy-dressed man"
"You name it, its in there" —-> "You name it, it's in there"
"so that he can crawl through ease" —-> "so that he could crawl through ease"
"prompted agent Santiago" —-> "prompted Agent Santiago"
"when the phone call reported that the Clown and Santiago was sent to investigate" - I think you're missing at least one word in this sentence, probably between "Clown" and "and".
"arrived in and offered" —-> "arrived and offered"
"there is proof of a recording" —-> "there was proof of a recording"
"Tell me agent" —-> "Tell me Agent" OR "Tell me, Agent"
"my more human clowns" —-> "my more-human clowns"
"this is the amount that is estimated to have costed" —-> "This is the amount that it is estimated to have costed"
"Honestly its why I love them so much" —-> "Honestly it's why I love them so much"
"Florida Vault, Item Lockup" —-> "Florida Vault Item Lockup"
"in-effective" —-> "ineffective"
"its just that I don't" —-> "it's just that I don't"
"agent Santiago" —-> "Agent Santiago"
Overall, I enjoyed reading this. The characters are interesting, the narrative progresses well and isn't disjointed. Couple of SPaG errors as detailed above, but nothing major.
"is to be taken down immediately" - this doesn't feel like clinical tone. I don't know a good alternative though.
"Level 3 humanoid containment cell in Site 17" - Level 3 presumably refers to Security Clearance Level 3 and should therefore be in a different sentence, e.g. "Access to SCP-XXXX requires Level-3 authorization or higher"; "in Site 17" —-> "at Site 17".
"SCP-XXXX is the designation for a male humanoid" —-> "SCP-XXXX is a male humanoid"
Measurements should be in metric; I don't think adding the imperial measurements as well is necessary.
"local law enforcement, it was detained and taken to questioning" —-> "local law enforcement; it was detained and taken to questioning" OR "local law enforcement. It was detained and taken to questioning"
"hand-cuffed" —-> "handcuffed"
"SCP-XXXX: Samuel! Get him!" - should be the police officer talking?
"called the "Foundation,"" - switch the comma and the quotation mark
"It tries to stand up but its legs buckle and SCP-XXXX sits down" —-> "It tries to stand up but its legs buckle and it sits down"
"Jacin Why did you help me?" - add a comma between "Jacin" and "Why"; also use last names rather than first names.
"Open Video File" collapsible should be "Open Video Log"
Contents of said Video Log feels surplus to requirements. The last journal entry is a satisfying ending and adding the video log at the end doesn't do anything for me.
I think you should also add line breaks between your addenda.
"We prayed to Charles on our lunch break again, The Packer told me that he was going to show me the "Flawless Technique"." —-> "We prayed to Charles on our lunch break again, and The Packer told me that he was going to show me the "Flawless Technique"." Could also use a semi-colon to link the Flawless Technique sentence to the next one about relying purely on faith.
"The SFSist have taken to praying in the freezer" —-> "The SFSists have taken to praying in the freezer"
"breathing infohazard" - "a breathing infohazard"??
"It must have had a hundred tentacles that ended in spikes, wet, sucking suction cups that clung to the floors and walls around the Cleaner." —-> "It must have had a hundred tentacles that ended in spikes, and wet, sucking suction cups that clung to the floors and walls around the Cleaner."
"several still lit candles" —-> "several still-lit candles"
Why does the cognitohazardous effect from the vest expire after nine hours? Why nine hours specifically?
References to the check and the silver ring in the Investigative Findings sections are confusing and feel disconnected from the rest of the objects. I'm presuming I'm lacking prior knowledge, and/or that I have missed something.
"Surveillance cameras begin shaking at this time." Physically shaking? Or, like, there's distortion in the image?
"Muprhy: Father?" —-> "Murphy: Father?"
Narrative-wise, this is good. Agent Murphy's gradual descent into affinity with the cult is portrayed well. It's horrifying without being immediately horrifying. I would argue the ending is also slightly predictable, but I think it's been set up like that, and if it is predictable it's definitely in a good way.
Hi! Sorry for the wait.
"Containment is constructed surrounding SCP-5XXX" - What is the containment? I'm presuming it's a fence of some description but you should specify.
"may be granted by a personnel of at least Level-3 clearance" - Personnel is plural (i.e remove the "a"); Do you mean "granted by" or "granted to"? If you mean "granted to" then you should change your ACS to reflect that.
"Gardening amenities and a supply of water are to be provided to SCP-5XXX-A on a monthly basis" —-> "Gardening amenities and a supply of water are to be provided to SCP-5XXX-A instances on a monthly basis"
"Itself and anything natural within roughly a 5 meter radius of SCP-5XXX are seemingly resistant against all forms of damage" —-> "SCP-5XXX and organic material within a 5 meter radius of SCP-5XXX are resistant against all forms of damage"
"Upon entering SCP-5XXX, a five-story roundhouse is presented, with each section measuring 8 meters in height and 20 meters in diameter" —-> "The space contained within SCP-5XXX takes the appearance of a five-story roundhouse, with each story measuring 8 meters in height and 20 metres in diameter" (consider perhaps using circumference instead of diameter)
"The floor is covered in a plastic-textured grass where plants are able to grow on it" —-> "The floor is covered in plants growing out of plastic-textured grass."
I don't understand the footnote here. Unless it's important to your narrative as a whole, I recommend removing it entirely.
"However, its anomalous properties diminish once said grass is brought outside of SCP-5XXX's affected area" —-> "The anomalous properties of the grass diminish when removed from SCP-5XXX's interior dimension"
"Attempts to discover anything past said sunlight have thus far proven unsuccessful." - Why have they proven unsuccessful?
"Organisms are grown on the fourth floor of SCP-5XXX" - plants are organisms, animals are organisms. you need to be more specific. I suggest using something like "SCP-5XXX-A and SCP-5XXX-B are present on the fourth floor of SCP-5XXX" and then explain what they are.
"SCP-5XXX-A is a group of sapient humanoid figures" —-> "SCP-5XXX-A instances are sapient humanoid figures"
"SCP-5XXX-B is a collection of small animals constructed of various types of wood" —-> "SCP-5XXX-B instances are small animals constructed form various types of wood"
"constructed of oak leaves" —-> "constructed from oak leaves"
"muscles or organs" —-> "muscles and organs"
"and ever since initial discovery, it has been overall compliant" —-> "and, since its initial discovery, has been overall compliant"
"excluding the limitations" - Delete this
"Otherwise, their physical capabilities and behavior are similar to their non-anomalous counterparts" —-> "Their physical capabilities and behavior are otherwise similar to their non-anomalous counterparts"
"SCP-5XXX was first discovered on 01/20/21" —-> "SCP-5XXX was discovered on 01/20/2021"
"footage displayed SCP-5XXX-A exiting a forest nearby Site-78 chasing after an SCP-5XXX-B instance before retrieving it and returning" —-> "footage displayed an SCP-5XXX-A instance exiting a forest near Site-78. The video showed the SCP-5XXX-A instance chasing after an SCP-5XXX-B instance before retrieving it and returning to SCP-5XXX"
"Researcher Arnold" - Use last names not first names with titles
"The specimen sets the can down" —-> "It sets the can down"
"I am here to ask you a couple of questions" —-> "I'm here to ask you a couple of questions" (You also need to actually ask the questions in the interview)
"Inside SCP-5XXX" - Delete this
"So this is my house" —-> "This is my house"
"Why yes" —-> "Why, yes"
"SCP-5XXX-A scratched the back of its head" —-> "SCP-5XXX-A scratches the back of its head"
"You don't want them to give you the splinter" —-> "You don't want them to give you splinters"
"Why do you have Lily as a pet instead of others?" —-> "Why is only Lily a pet, and not the others?"
"It was a gift my my father" —-> "It was a gift from my father"
"they wither, where they are then buried" —-> "they wither, then they are buried"
"(pause)" - You provide a number of seconds for the pause further up the interview. keep it consistent.
"Now that I think about it, where did you come from?" —-> "Now that I think about it, where did you come from?"
"There, it reads:" —-> "It reads:"
"- Jeafleaf Willow, his son" - Delete this
"You really admired him, don't you?" —-> "You really admired him, didn't you?"
"So you're saying you are proud in taking care of your garden?" —-> "So you're saying you're proud of taking care of your garden?"
"SCP-5XXX-A embraced Researcher Arnold for a brief moment before he returned to Site-78, where he was investigated for anything unnatural" —-> "SCP-5XXX-A briefly embraced Researcher Arnold before he returned to Site-78"
"Update Log" - Delete this
"On 01/23/21, Researcher Arnold Whitlock filed a request regarding the SCP-5XXX-B instances SCP-5XXX-A had formerly mentioned to be set up for adoption to Site-78 staff" - Is he requesting that the SCP-5XXX-B instances be adopted by Site-78 staff? Even harmless entities get contained.
"'it was a way of saying thank you for his kind actions.'" - Use quotation marks, and put your full stop outside of the quotation marks.
Where are your footnotes?
I like this idea, and I think the narrative progression is good. I was thinking initially that the interview log was dragging on a bit but I think it's probably okay. I definitely recommend seeing what other people think though.
My one concern is that it doesn't really feel like something the SCP Foundation would write. It might just be because the clinical tone is lacking, but it feels like your researcher is too friendly with Jeafleaf. The Foundation is not a hotel, it is a prison. Your interview is not an interview, really. It might be interesting to treat Jeafleaf as a PoI rather than a contained anomaly, or to provide a justification as to why Jeafleaf is not technically in Foundation custody.
Clinical Tone - not great, I've suggested some alternatives in the LBL but it will probably need a second look.
Dialogue - a bit rigid in places, but again I picked up a lot of that in the LBL.
Pacing - pacing is good, I initally thought the interview was too long, considering it didn't really go anywhere, but the ending ties in well.
Another thing is that you say that SCP-5XXX-A is a "group", yet then you only mention Jeafleaf (i.e. Jeafleaf is the only living SCP-5XXX-A instance), which means you're switching between singular and plural throughout the article. Are there multiple SCP-5XXX-A instances or just one?
I like this idea; the article itself needs a lot of work. I apologise if my crit seems off, I haven't read many articles that evoke wholesome emotions. If you made major revisions to your draft, I will happily take another look.
Hi! Please note I am not great at overall narrative critique, and this will most definitely need a second opinion. I have provided you with my thoughts about your narrative as well as a complimentary LBL consisting mostly of SPaG corrections.
"It emits a strong smell" - would "scent" work better?
"has thick black body hair" —-> "has thick, black body hair"
"a typical male pattern" - I feel like this breaks the clinical tone
"The genitalia of SCP-XXXX" —-> "SCP-XXXX's genitalia"
"similar to a human males" —-> "similar to that of a human male"
"This rate of this process" —-> "The rate of this process"
"attention after local fire service broke down the door" —-> "attention after the local fire service broke down the door"
"Mackay" —-> "MacKay"
"The room and it’s contents" —-> "The room and its contents"
"fifth floor any more" —-> "fifth floor anymore"
"5'4"" - should be in metric
I'm presuming you know "Adult Human Female" is a TERF dogwhistle. I think it's intentional that you included it but it's making me feel very weird and unsafe and if that wasn't your intention you should probably change it
"Unknown Male Voice: Gay" - needs some form of punctuation at the end
"insults and a slurs" —-> "insults and slurs"
"Agent’s headlamps" —-> "Agents' headlamps"
"the door the door" - delete one of these
"fuckin reality bender bullshit" - capital letter + full stop
"They open fire in response and the bullets can be seen to impact and cause profuse bleeding, but SCP-XXXX continues running forwards." —-> "They open fire in response and the bullets can be seen to impact and cause profuse bleeding. SCP-XXXX continues running forwards."
The overall idea works but it feels a little flat in places, especially towards the beginning. The ending changed that but then I'm left with more questions than answers.
Identifying large-scale weak points is not my forte but I also didn't see any major problems with your draft. The narrative progression was good, the narrative itself was coherent, and I understood what was going on.
In regards to your questions:
1) I presumed that Jacob Murphy either created one or both of the anomalies or that he was SCP-XXXX (regardless of whether he created the spacial anomaly or not).
2) Yes! The Agents felt like distinct characters, they didn't blur into each other, and they all had different roles.
3) They felt disconnected to be honest. It didn't really seem like they were parts of the same anomaly, just that SCP-XXXX was contained inside of the spacial anomaly. In terms of the separate areas of the spacial anomaly, that was coherent and helped split the narrative into sections.
I hope that helps. Please feel free to run it past me again if you make any major revisions.
"started recruiting and training our own.' Maria's supervisor responded." —-> "started recruiting and training our own,' Maria's supervisor responded."
Obviously there's no canon etc etc but as per this dossier http://www.scpwiki.com/o5-command-dossier all mentioned versions of O5-5 are men.
The middle section initially feels out of place, like it doesn't really relate to the rest of the story. Once I read to the end it obviously makes sense, but when I was reading it the first time it didn't connect very well to either of the previous scene and the following scene.
"'That's weird.' He thought to himself." —-> "'That's weird,' He thought to himself."
"'So what am I in here for, my self-imagined voice of delirium.'" —-> "'So what am I in here for, my self-imagined voice of delirium?'"
"She does a terrible Eastern European impersonation, you know?'" - "Impersonation" feels out of place. "Accent" might fit better.
The characters are well-rounded. Even though nothing is really said about them, they are still characterised well. I could totally read more of this.
Lots of SPaG errors (mostly sentence structure) and severe lack of clinical tone so I will be focusing on your overall narrative rather than LBL-ing.
How did SCP-XXXX escape containment? Containment breaches really aren't that common, especially for Euclid Class objects.
Sometimes researchers and other Foundation staff are subject to amnestics too. While I find it incredibly funny that the Foundation's solution is to employ this dude, your standard human-without-physical-powers is not hard to contain.
Schizophrenia would likely not cause immunity to amnestics, nor is it likely to cause delusions which exactly mirror prior experiences. Amnestics aren't perfect though, and memories can slip through. I don't have schizophrenia (although I am affected by similar symptoms e.g. hallucinations, delusions, paranoia for other reasons). My advice is that if you don't have schizophrenia, you should delete that bit. Saying "this guy's crazy which makes him anomalous" is ableism, even if it's unintentional.
Unless you have a reason to blackbox that much, don't. Blackbox the Site Director's name if you want, but even that isn't recommended. Blackboxing stuff unnecessarily is often a sign of not thinking enough about your writing.
A lot of these mistakes are basic SPaG stuff and not adhering to the How To Write An SCP guide (e.g. using words like "this man" instead of "SCP-XXXX", using "he" instead of "it", etc). There's also a severe lack of clinical tone and a lot of repetition. I'm going to presume that your first language is not English (based on your username, apologies if I'm wrong) and give you the benefit of the doubt here. I can always LBL the draft once it's a little more coherent and closer to posting.
"is to be suppresed" —-> "is to be suppressed"
"there has been an increas" —-> "there has been an increase"
"non-anomalous inviduals has incerased" —-> "non-anomalous inviduals has increased"
The sections before the letters drag on a lot. They read more like a history/anthropology essay than a scientific report. Granted, the fields do overlap (archaeology, etc), but I think you're focusing too much on the origin and variations of the dance. It's important information, but keep it concise. The essay format also wrecks your clinical tone in a lot of places.
Good god that first letter is racist, I think that's intentional though? If it is, congrats; if not, I recommend changing it. It also don't think the first letter really connects to the rest of the narrative, it only repeats what we've already been told.
Why is there untranslated information in radio log? It works fine, but I don't understand why the Foundation wouldn't translate it.
You've got the start of a narrative here but then it ends really abruptly. I think continuing to follow Clarisse would be a really good idea; how does SCP-XXXX affect her and her baby?
Hi! Sorry for the delay.
It is to be fed a Standard Diet and given time for recreational activity. (for complete details pertaining to treatment of the entity, refer to document XXXX-R-01)
Take this out. Noting that a human anomaly is allowed food and exercise is not important to the document. Unless you are actually including Document XXXX-R-01 in your article (and said document explains how the treatment of SCP-XXXX is different from other human/humanoid anomalies), you don't need the reference to it.
D-Class assigned to SCP-XXXX are notified of its properties and are given a provisional supplement to offset atrophy. At the end of the encounter, D-Class are treated with amnestics.
Why though? If the D-Class in question are scheduled for termination then surely allowing SCP-XXXX to kill them works in place of standard termination procedures. Even if the Foundation decide that's unethical, there's no need to waste amnestics on dead people.
currently held at Site-132.
You've already said this in your ConProcs. You don't need to say it again, unless your anomaly was previously held at a different Site.
SCP-XXXX-I
Typically "SCP-XXXX-1"
beginning with fat and muscle, then organs and bone
"affecting their fat, muscle, organs, and bones"
SCP-XXXX was in an intimate relationship
Breaks clinical tone. I don't know an alternative though.
Deafux
Deafaux
Deafux underwent various anomalous effects
"Deafaux experienced various anomalous effects"
Addendum X
Typically "Addendum XXXX.1"
Max Deafaux
Can and should be abbreviated as "Deafaux", or written as "Researcher Deafaux" or "Junior Researcher Deafaux". "Junior Researcher" is abbreviated as "JR" and "Researcher" as "Rs" or similar.
as well as the steady atrophy of Deafaux
Remove this, it's irrelevant.
For full excerpts, refer to SCP-XXXX-Log-I.
I get referring to external documents, but I'm torn here. On one hand, the sentence belongs there and ties the paragraph up; on the other hand, you don't make reference to what kind of document this is.
Kevin5270: Yeah, kat here has been in this chat for a while. She's usually not on that much.
This sentence is important but it changes the tone very abruptly.
Of note is that the chat room is inactive.
Remove, irrelevant.
darlingprincess: hello? anyone?
darlingprincess: lala i am by myself again.
Remove this, replace with a note saying that X amount of time has passed. (Alternatively you could add dates and times in front of usernames like in SkipIRC)
darlingprincess: everytime im here its fine until I feel depressed. sometimes I wanna talk with you guys but ur not on which makes me sad and bored. or Im the only one talking and everyone is lurking and then I leave. I move on, then come back. same cycle again. so I guess im moody af. so its better to leave. it's fucked up, u know I think I just get attached to you guys. and I think im annoying sometimes. so better to end it then do the same thing. is that a good reason now?
Break this into multiple pieces. It doesn't have to be that SCP-XXXX wrote it un spearate pieces but if you type a long message IRC breaks it up into approximately 3-line paragraphs.
Date: [?]
Inconsistency, remove unless you plan on adding dates to all the collapsibles.
darlingprincess: is darling crushing on me?? <3
Is that a pet name or the wrong name?
Opps!
Is that meant to say "Oops" or is it the in-universe equivalent of "0ps"?
And so tiring.
"And so tired."
the former personnel
"personnel" is plural. Just say "Deafaux".
antwonclamon: but why would she send a pic of herself cutting?
Is this referring to shinobu or kat? You didn't mention it before and it just feels jarring and out of place.
the late personnel's claim
"his claim"
PoI-FB4923 was to be traced and apprehended.
"PoI-FB4923 was traced and apprehended."
deafaux: Hi nina.
nekonekoninaboo: Sorry darling
nekonekoninaboo: Deafaux
nekonekoninaboo: Whoever you are
nekonekoninaboo: It's just me
I don't understand this part. The idea is that Kat is everybody in the chatroom, but you should make that clear. It feels a little out of place here.
PoI-FB4923, known as Katherine Serre
"PoI-FB4923, also known as Katherine Serre"
Interviewer: Dr. Kim
Needs a first name as well, just for that part not the rest of the interview.
SCP-XXXX does not talk for the remainder of the interview.
Remove, irrelevant.
It crosses its arms.
"SCP-XXXX crosses its arms."
What is the bigger mistake: me falling for a dead man, or a man falling for his death?
I don't understand the part about him falling for his death. Is it referencing him refusing to leave her?
SCP-XXXX crosses its arms
Needs punctuation at the end
Be not afraid.
Remove
How much time passes between 274 and 275? Sometimes people don't show up in chat for a while and they're fine. Shinobu didn't make any reference to leaving in 274 but her absence in 275 is not particularly relevant. Putting more distance between the numbers and mentioning that she's been gone a while would aid this part of the narrative.
Shinobu suddenly reappearing without notice just feels wrong. Regardless of whether shinobu is Kat, her sudden reappearance makes very little sense and just serves to make the narrative confusing.
Overall I really enjoyed reading this. The anomaly in itself felt a little generic at first but its relationship with Deafaux was laid out very well. The pacing was great, the dialogue was a little weird in places but nothing too bad, and overall the idea just works really well.
The parts with Shinobu complicate the narrative a bit but I think if you can make it clear that her disappearence and subsequent reappearance is significant to the narrative then it will work well.
In regards to the moral struggle, you nailed it. Kat is a wonderfully-thought-out character and her emotions really radiate in your writing. I'm not partial to endings where the anomaly dies/wants to die, but you portrayed it excellently. 10/10 would read again.
If you make major revisions to your draft I'd love to see it again.
Summoned via IRC :D
MTF Tau-21("Set Phasers")
MTF Tau-21 ("Set Phasers")
Of the other members,
Remove this.
SCP-XXXX is silent for several moments.
Might be better to use an actual amount of time? Clinical tone and all that.
mirror-basement
"basement in the mirror" might fit better
the arm extends forward and grabs Felicia.
You should state that the mirror dude pulls Felicia into the mirror before Sean speaks.
above a oak desk
"above an oak desk"
The drawer rips out
"The drawer falls out"
Overall, it's definitely an interesting idea but it feels disconnected in a lot of places. You never really introduce the characters and I didn't feel emotionally connected to them until the end of Felicia's logs. I didn't really understand why they were hunting Sarkics either, and I didn't realise they were an MTF-adjacent group (I think?) until they were actually in the basement. The bit with the mirror felt disjointed and I don't understand why SCP-XXXX couldn't pass through the mirror. Granted, I'm not familiar with the Prometheus Labs format or with crazy reality stuff, so it may well just be my lack of knowledge.
In regards to narrative progression, it works fine, but if your main narrative is "dude being exploited by shitty corporations" and not "group of friends go Sarkic hunting and most of them die" then you probably need a major rewrite. I'd definitely recommend running past more people (especially people familiar with the format) because I am absolutely not the expert on this.
1) It doesn't feel like X-Man syndrome. It might if you refocus the narrative, but with a good narrative X-Man syndrome matters less.
2) I didn't really feel any emotion until Felicia's logs. I certainly didn't feel emotionally connected to your characters until they died.
3) I feel like the main goal of your article is to show that SCP-XXXX is being exploited by both Prometheus and the Foundation, but the narrative surrounding the basement and the alternate reality detracts from that. There's a lot going on and it lets the tension slip.
4) I don't think SCP-XXXX gets enough "screen time". I struggled to see it as a person capable of emotion, even though its storyline was an emotional one. I didn't feel an emotional connection to Mark, Amy, or Sean at all, and I only felt something for Felicia at the end of her logs.
5) The final interview was good; it ties up the ending and shows that he is being exploited from multiple different angles. That being said, I'm biased towards stuff that shows the Foundation as antagonistic. You could easily end it with the Discovery Log, or even with the Company Missive.
6) I think the style is okay. Although "Files: 1998" and "Interview 1" don't have close tabs at the bottom of their collapsibles, whereas the rest do.
7) It does get that message across, but it only really became clear SCP-XXXX was being exploited near the end. The exploration of SCP-XXXX's relationship with his friends detracts from the exploitation narrative because it is the main focus. The fact that SCP-XXXX is being exploited is a second thought.
8) The "grief buddies" scene is the video log with SCP-XXXX and Felicia? It works, and it introduces Harvey and tells the reader that he's a bitch. The reference to Felicia's partner feels a little out of place because it took me a minute to work out that he wasn't one of the previously-mentioned characters. I also don't really understand how SCP-XXXX is helping Felicia.
Day 0
He was much shorter than Duncan, powerfully built with a thick black moustache.
"He was much shorter than Duncan, powerfully built, with a thick black moustache."
He was dressed in an orange jumpsuit with the identification D-77713 stitched onto the left breast pocket. He was staring intently into an antique handheld mirror.
"He was dressed in an orange jumpsuit with the identification D-77713 stitched onto the left breast pocket, and was staring intently into an antique handheld mirror."
Except that instead of trying to drop this imaginary firecracker, the man now appeared to be trying to strangle it.
"Instead of trying to drop this imaginary firecracker, the man now appeared to be trying to strangle it."
As soon as Duncan released his wrist, Martin crossed himself.
"crossed himself"???
“You’re coming through loud and clear, Mr. Holstrom,” a voice came through the intercom at his elbow. “And we agree with you. If you try to force him to put his hand through that portal, it’s not going to go well.”
This paragraph feels out of place. Duncan didn't say anything out loud about putting either his or D-77713's hand through the mirror.
The voice coming through the intercom belonged to Doctor Eller out of Helsinki. Until he’d spoken Duncan had briefly forgotten the Helsinki team was also involved in this test. That the remote team had caught him breaking protocol by using the mirror was bad enough, that they had also just read his mind was even worse.
Merge this with the paragraph I mentioned above this. You don't need to separate them. Also having Duncan putting the mirror back on the table after having realised he's being watched shows that he feels guilty rather than just surprised by the intercom.
it did not seem particularly noteworthy compared to many of the other objects held in containment. It was classified it as safe
Safe-class objects are not inherently non-noteworthy. I realise that it may not have been your intention to correlate the two, but that's how it reads in the draft.
Until one day during routine inspection, someone looked into it and saw what they recognized as the inside of a Foundation facility in another country.
You're trying to create suspense here but it just feels flat. Try editing the sentence structure to make it less fairytale and more SCP Tale.
There was no reason to think that these two items would be connected in any way. Yet they very clearly were.
"There was no reason to think that these two items would be connected in any way, yet they very clearly were."
This set of tests had been requisitioned
What set of tests? I feel like we already know they're running tests on the mirror because we've already seen it. I also don't think "requisitioned" is the right word.
Mar, the subject?
If Duncan is stopping saying "Martin" halfway through the word, you need a dash rather than a comma. "Mar- the subject?"
senior researcher Ramirez
"Senior Researcher Ramirez"
conversing in German.
Unless you make it clear as to why the characters are speaking German, take this out.
Confirmed,
Put this in speech marks or take it out.
had been taken over
"was displaying"
5:30 am
"5:30am"
Day 1
This level four wing
"The Level Four wing"
site director
"Site Director"
Site Director, Drucker
"Site Director Drucker"
small, windowless conference room
"small, windowless room" is fine, you don't need to repeat that it's a conference room.
small round meeting table
"small, round meeting table"
video camera
Do you mean "security camera"? Or, like, a webcam?
Only one or two were known by name, as far as Duncan was aware. And he’d only seen an image of one, a tall elegant older woman, in a news article dated six years ago.
There's no canon etc etc but, um, how? 1) why was there a picure of an O5 in a news article? 2) how does Duncan know what they look like? 3) How does Duncan know their names?
level three researcher
"Level 3 researcher" or "Level 3 Researcher"
It was almost a relief when the time hit 5:42 and there was still no sign of any conference starting.
Even though you state in the following sentence why Duncan feels relieved, it's confusing at first because you were just talking about how anxious he was; surely his anxiety would increase with time?
“Duncan Holstrom.” Duncan replied. He then recited the eight-digit number which served as his unique employee identifier within the Foundation.
"“Duncan Holstrom,” Duncan replied. [Just make up a number; we know it's a unique number and you don't need to tell us that]".
“Thank you for coming.” The voice responded.
"“Thank you for coming,” The voice responded."
“Okay,” Duncan hesitated, “Yes, Council Member Six.”
Remove.
Site-24 housed nearly 50 Safe and Euclid class anomalous objects. Some of which behaved unpredictably.
Eh. Safe Class objects can by definition be locked in a box and left alone. At the very least, make this part one sentence rather than two.
entire containment facility
"entire facility"
“You do not,” Council Member Six stated evenly. "The Council consensus is that Argus proved inconclusive because it lacked the necessary scope,” The voice continued. “In this next iteration of the project we will be encoding all anomalous data available to the Foundation and introducing it into the neural engine.”
This is all the same person speaking so it should be all in one set of speech marks.
staff level four
"Security Clearance Level Four" or "Security Clearance Level 4" or "Level 4"
“That’s the spirit,” the voice replied in a tone entirely devoid of warmth or humor. “The Council believes that the patterns are there, Mister Holstrom. It is now your job to find them. Good bye."
Put this all in one paragraph. "Goodbye" is one word.
The screen before him went dark.
"The screen went dark."
Day 3
Site 01
"Site-01"
floor to ceiling windows
"floor-to-ceiling windows"
burst into flame
"burst into flames"
potentially anomalous digital files
"potentially-anomalous digital files"
thumb drives
USBs are not the same as hard drives. They do function similarly in that they both store information, but they are not the same. This is less of a terminology issue and more of a consistency issue; you said "hard drives" before and then "thumb drives", be consistent.
This is good enough start
"This is a good enough start"
pointing to the star representing Site-24
Why is he pointing to the star when he's asking for an isolated lab to work from? Why is the star relevant to this sentence?
Day 9
Both were reviewing plans on the table between them.
This is telling rather than showing. You could change the sentence to say something about the paperwork/maps/plans/whatever are spread across the table, which implies that they're reviewing the plans without telling us directly.
roughly two meters in length
"diameter" might work better here.
assistant director
"Assistant Director"
she had been COO
"COO" should be written out in full. Unless you mean "CEO", in which case the abbreviation is fine.
anomalous object SCP-0107
"SCP-0107"
meteorological, sociological or extradimensional
"meteorological, sociological, or extradimensional" - Oxford comma consistency (either use it or don't, but be consistent) also applies to the rest of the draft.
The first of many results ready to be loaded into Argus.
This feels disconnected from the rest of the story. If you add it onto the end of the previous paragraph it might fit better.
“It should be pretty cool.”
"It'll be pretty cool."
On the moniter the rain continued to fall.
"The rain on the moniter continued to fall."
Day 16
“Duncan Holstrom,” Duncan recited his badge number.
"“Duncan Holstrom.” Duncan recited his badge number."
Council Member Six
Might be better to say "O5-6".
senior researchers Park and Long
"Senior Researchers Park and Long"
Tom Masterson had been appointed to lead engineer on Project Argus
This entire section feels like it's in the wrong place. You've connected it back to Duncan at the end, but not at the beginning, and it just feels blunt. It might feel less blunt if you add a title in front of "Tom Masterton".
“Your timeline has been accelerated,” said Six. “You will not have time for new research. To keep this project on schedule, the Council has elected to make members of the Brookings team available to you for one week.”
Put this all in one paragraph. (This also applies to the rest of the split dialogue in the draft)
“One final thing, Mister Holstrom.” said Six.
"“One final thing, Mister Holstrom,” said Six."
Day 20
a flat open field stretching to a grey tree line on horizon
"a flat, open field stretching to a grey tree line on the horizon"
Site-24’s “Back Lot.”
"Site-24’s “Back Lot”." Punctuation goes inside speech marks, and outside quotation marks.
guardhouse standing in front of the fence
" guardhouse in front of the fence"
forty-eight hours
You can use numbers. You don't have to but if you're writing longer numbers (there was a hundred and something further back) it is easier to read numbers rather than text. If you do change it, be consistent.
There was only one line of communication running into the bunkers. An emergency intercom which connected each bunker to the guardhouse at the gate.
"There was only one line of communication running into the bunkers: an emergency intercom which connected each bunker to the guardhouse at the gate."
“Any incident occurs inside your bunker you, or another member of your team is to activate the emergency line to be connected to the officer on duty.” Chatham had told Duncan
"“If an incident occurs inside your bunker, you or another member of your team is to activate the emergency line to be connected to the officer on duty.” Chatham had told Duncan"
The intercom unit was there for Duncan’s team to reach out. Not for the outside world to reach in.
"The intercom unit was there for Duncan’s team to reach out, not for the outside world to reach in."
In the opposite corner next to the entrance was the intercom above which was a bulbous fisheye lens.
"In the opposite corner next to the entrance was the intercom, above which was a bulbous fisheye lens."
“Call me Syd,” said Siddhartha, enthusiastically shaking their hands.
You haven't previously introduced this character. Even giving them a title or a brief description of their job role and a last name in this sentence would introduce them briefly without you having to talk about them earlier in the draft.
Including himself and Karen, the Argus team now stood at a tight six members.
Duncan, Karen, Tom, Syd, Uri, Noam, Johanna, and Clark is eight people. Even if Noam and Uri are temporary personnel, they're still part of the Argus team at that point in time.
And then, three days after arriving at Site-24 they boarded a plane back to Stuttgart.
"And then, three days after arriving at Site-24, they boarded a plane back to Stuttgart."
Day 24
Level 4 suite
Again, just "four"/"4" consistency.
the actually images
"the actual images"
could not have saved D-13693
"could not have saved D-13639"
Cogneto-hazards
"Cognitohazards"
Day 30
“Please state your name,” said Six to start their conference.
"“Please state your name,” said Six, to start their conference."
“Duncan Holstrom,” Duncan began to recite his eight-digit employee number.
"“Duncan Holstrom.” Duncan began to recite his eight-digit employee number."
“We can’t encode it if everyone who looks at it drops dead,” Duncan responded. “There is no safe way to work with it.
Add a speech mark at the end of this sentence.
the Melbourne woman
Change to "D-13639"
testing of 0053
Change "0053" to "053" or "SCP-053"
He was thinking of Karen now. And about sending her back into those testing chambers.
"He was thinking of Karen now, about sending her back into those testing chambers."
ethics panel
"Ethics Committee"
Duncan heard a note of emotion in the voice belonging to Council Member Six.
"Duncan heard a note of emotion in O5-6's voice."
2111 and 0053 and all other anomalies referred to you,” Six had regained his composure.
"2111, 053, and all other anomalies referred to you.” Six had regained his composure."
collapsed into in his chair
"collapsed into his chair"
the personal background the resources assigned to him
"the personal background of the resources assigned to him"
but that this point
"but at this point"
hi-pitched
"high-pitched"
wet gibbering maw
"wet, gibbering maw"
Day 34
Duncan felt and eerie calm descend upon him.
"Duncan felt an eerie calm descend upon him."
recommissioned to D-Class
"reassigned" or "demoted" might work better here
He turned on his heal
"He turned on his heel"
calm, clear detached approach
"calm, clear, detached approach"
He had, also stopped talking about his dreams.
He had also stopped talking about his dreams.
It had occurred to him to wonder why they had been constructed underground.
Do you mean "It had never occurred to him"?
Whatever was down there still required an energy source. “This thing better fucking work,” Karen had said in their last meeting.
This is a very blunt transition between the two scenes, even though they're on different lines.
“I’m doing my goddamn job, Duncan,” she’d snarled at him. “You do yours. You want to help? Make this worth it. This thing better fucking work.”
Put this all on one line.
Day 36
redacted provenance
I don't think you mean "provenance"? Maybe "information" would suffice?
moving it into a que
"moving it into a queue"
Good-night
"Goodnight" is one word.
dark blue green
"dark blue-green"
“It’s a heatmap, Duncan,” She snapped.
"“It’s a heatmap, Duncan,” she snapped."
SCP Facility
"SCP" in-universe is "Special Containment Procedures". Try "Foundation Facility" or "Foundation Site" instead.
███████████
Why? Is this it speaking to him? I get the theme of redacting things in this section but it's not needed here.
Day 37
Argus implacably loaded one dataset
I don't think "implacably" is a word, and it doesn't really make sense in the context either.
Duncan stood up as well.
I think remove this? It feels strange, too many short sentences in a row.
It was not language.
"It was not his voice."
“There are three more still in there. They need immediate extraction!”
What's stopping Duncan from physically dragging Karen and Clark (if not Tom as well) with him when he leaves the bunker? Why does he leave them there?
“What the fuck was that,” Johanna turned to hiss at Duncan.
"“What the fuck was that?” is a question. And why is she angry at him? It seems a little out of place.
“Our three team members need help!” Duncan shouted through the gate.
This as an opening feels wrong. Idk why though. Maybe because the end of the previous part contrasts heavily with the opening of this part.
Sargent Rizzo
"Sergeant Rizzo"
in an apparent attempt to silence the other man.
"in an apparent attempt to silence him."
an isolation tent
"a tent"
He was still in handcuffs.
Move this to the bit after the sentence about the tent.
She now appeared to be talking to herself.
"She appeared to be talking to herself."
cases of cognetohazardous speech
"cases of cognitohazardous speech"
So, as a precaution someone had placed a pink sticky-note on the video screen to cover her face.
"So, as a precaution, someone had placed a pink sticky-note on the video screen to cover her face."
non-lethal bean-bag ammunition
Okay, but why? I feel like they would just shoot Tom. And he's dead in your narrative anyway, so it wouldn't change the outcome.
Day 38
Most of this section feels a little off. Duncan would not be allowed to treat the O5 like that, and he's already said he doesn't want to leave the Foundation. The story works, but it doesn't fit the setting or the characters.
in a woman’s voice
Delete this.
“Karen,” Duncan continued. “Karen and Tom had been looking at the heat map
Potentially you should use last names here? It's more formal.
in a man’s voice
Delete this.
If you’ve got any super-geniuses on the O5 Council
I feel like the O5 would snipe Duncan for insolence and if that wasn't your intention you should change the wording.
He looked from one camera to the next.
If you had stopped this part of the narrative here and taken it to mean that Duncan was feeling guilty for telling the O5 what to do and scared for his job and his life, it would've worked better. Regardless of Duncan's security clearance level, the O5 would not tell him that they were affected by the cognitohazards.
Excellent work as always, Council Member Six.
What you seem to be writing here is an O5 meeting that Duncan happens to be in, rather than a meeting about the breach or about Argus. The ending of this section ties up very well, but the part about the O5 being affected by the cognitohazards, while probably needed if you reference it again, feels very out of place.
Day 212
It had been over six months since he was formally employed by the Foundation.
I think you mean that it was six months since he left? This currently makes it seem like it has been six months since it started.
In the end, they had just let him walk out the door. Just as important, they’d let him take his memories with him.
This… doesn't feel right to me, idk.
his unconscious had started to understand
"his unconscious mind had started to understand"
The tone feels weird at first. It changes a lot, and is too casual in places. I understand it's not meant to be clinical tone but switching between casual conversation tone and harsher tone regardless of whether you're in dialogue is very strange. E.g. the dialogue and some of the prose is written in a more formal tone but some of the prose is written more casually. It causes inconsistency in the flow of the narrative, as well as just not being nice to read.
The perspective is strange in the first two sections too. At some points, you're using limited third person and other times you're using omnipresent third person. Keep it consistent.
When your dialogue tags use commas, the word after the comma should not be capitalised.
When you use dialogue tags with question marks/other sentence-ending punctuation, it looks better if you move the name next to the punctuation, e.g. "Duncan asked" rather than "Asked Duncan".
Chatham reminds me a lot of one of the characters in the novel I edited last year. Really well-formed, amazing.
The pacing in the first two sections is not great. I understand it's the set-up of the narrative but it felt a lot like it was dragging on in places. The pacing after Day 1 is significantly better.
There's a lot of basic SPaG mistakes (e.g. not using commas between adjectives) that I've flagged a couple of times in the LBLs. Please be aware I have not flagged all of these.
I like the ending. It's cyclical, not in setting, but in focus, and I like that. I was worried the epilogue would take it too far from the original storyline but it doesn't, really. In the end this story is about Duncan. The one concern I have is that the section before the epilogue is not a particularly satisfying ending without the epilogue to explain what Duncan's idea was. Epilogues are conclusions, but they serve to show that the character is continuing in their journey. The section before the epilogue also needs to end the story.
Apart from the SPaG issues, a couple of concerns with the initial pacing, and whatever was going on in Day 38, this was a solid Tale, and is written very well. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it, and would absolutely read it again. Please feel to run it past me again, and let me know when you post it.
Hi!
Euclid
I'm torn here. If it manifested itself inside a Site then the Object Class would be Euclid or Keter, but it seems unable to move itself and nobody can move it either so therefore it's Safe?
one-sided windows
"one-way mirrors" (replace all times)
both of which are unclear to the SCP Foundation.
"the meaning of which is unclear"
Analysis of SCP-XXXX suggests that its explosion could destroy approximately 10 000 square kilometres
"Analysis of SCP-XXXX shows that its explosion could destroy approximately 10,000 square kilometres"
Yesterday, two humans died to [REDACTED].
Why "to"? And why is it redacted?
destroying approximately 10 000 square kilometres.
"destroying approximately 10,000 square kilometres."
The anomaly remained silent during the process and continued to act and converse in the same ways as before the attempt.
The anomaly can't be silent and conversing at the same time. If you mean that the anomaly was the same afterwards as before, you need to state that.
The attempt to move the object resulted in the discovery that it and its cart, now considered part of SCP-XXXX, are anomalously stationary.
Is the cart SCP-XXXX-1? (Or -A, whatever.) "Are anomalously stationary" feels wrong, and I think it breaks clinical tone.
one (1) hour,
Remove
an increased rate.
"an accelerated rate"
Approved, this required that the chamber be decorated as a researchers' staff room to justify frequent visits.
This just feels weird. The Foundation is a prison; they do not need to justify frequent or constant observation of anomalies.
wearing one-sided eyewear to hide the fact that they were observing it
I think remove this. Surely it would notice them since they're standing right next to it?
Dr. Shi's being single
"Dr. Shi being single"
affected have been known to attack
"affected individuals have been known to attack" or "affected objects have been known to attack"
Money will be placed in SCP-XXXX at the moment this question is asked.
Remove
Idk about this one. I'm just not feeling it, really. I think it's meant to be comedy, but it doesn't feel like it. The pacing is really slow and the narrative doesn't progress much. We don't really learn anything new about the anomaly beyond its initial description. The bomb has a relationship with a researcher but it's not really shown in detail or expanded on. 343's appearance doesn't really serve a purpose beyond being lolrandom. The ending is okay, but feels a little disconnected from the rest of the story. Idk, it's just not for me.
I hope that helps :)
Hi!
a) I'm still not sure about this but you seem pretty certain, and it's your decision.
c) The problem with this line was that you referenced the Foundation in 3rd person. The Foundation are writing the document. You could say "the meaning of which is unclear", but the reason for the anomaly's reverence for its creator is also unclear.
d) The Foundation are not uncertain about things. Strikethroughs exist in-universe because the Foundation were certain about an anomaly, but the information actually turned out to be incorrect.
i) Remove the whole thing. If we needed to know how long it took you would've already mentioned it further up the article. If it isn't surplus information, put it somewhere where it's obvious it's important and show that it's important in the article.
m) That is correct; I wasn't saying it wasn't a word, I was saying it breaks the tone.
(any section that doesn't have an annotation here is fine)
SCP-4456
This (and the other links) don't go anywhere at the moment.
I look forward to future communications with you!
Change the punctuation, probably to a full stop/period.
although I must confess slight skepticism. However, our goals appear to be aligned, and I see no reason to distrust you as a result, especially seeing as you have attempted no hostilities against us.
The "although" and "however" clash a bit. I recommend removing the "however", since it doesn't fully connect to the previous sentence.
to collaborate, and personally, I'm quite excited to
Add a comma after "and"
Would you be willing to consider destroying her, on behalf of both of our organizations? Sincerely, James Richard
Is the point of taking "James Richard" out of the fancy typeface here to bring him into the 21st Century? Because it works with your format and your story but it also seems like an error at first.
The ending does connect the reader with history, but in a way where Richard is being brought into the 21st Century rather than us being displaced there. The last note brings the SCP Foundation into the 17th Century, which ties the ending up really well.
fishing and hunting related keywords
"hunting- and fishing-related keywords"
SCP-XXXX has several minor anomalous abilities, including:
Remove the punctuation from the end of each item in the list.
20th parallel north
"20th parallel North"
An indifference to SCP-XXXX's unusual appearance from those unfamiliar with its anomalous properties,
What does this actually mean? Also the wording is clunky and it doesn't really feel like an anomalous ability.
no secondary evidence collaborating such a purchase.
"no secondary evidence corroborating such a purchase."
32 story megastore that includes
"32-story megastore that contains"
Line was found to survive stresses beyond its typical capabilities during trials.
"Line was found to survive stresses beyond its typical capabilities."
In 8 hour period
"In an 8 hour period" or "In the 8 hour period"
Addendum 2: Interview with SCP-XXXX:
Is an interview log not separate from an addendum? Also the format of the interview is weird, but I think it's just missing "begin log" and "end log".
Since SCP-XXXX's discovery in 2018, Foundation efforts to contact SCP-XXXX were unsuccessful until on 03/02/2021, Foundation Agent Fabio Kuxim made contact with it posing as a member of the Internal Revenue Service.
"Since SCP-XXXX's discovery in 2018, Foundation efforts to contact SCP-XXXX were unsuccessful until on 03/02/2021. Foundation Agent Fabio Kuxim made contact with it posing as a member of the Internal Revenue Service."
floor to ceiling windows and a large round table
"floor-to-ceiling windows and a large, round table"
wearing a black three piece suit
"wearing a black three-piece suit"
traditional paper crown
"traditional"??
Thank you for meeting us on such short notice
"Thank you for meeting with us on such short notice"
SCP-XXXX: The Snakes and Coyoltlahtolli.Nahuatl for 'Tongue of the Coyote'. A term used by Aztec city-states to describe Spanish Conquistadors. have long since crushed my people and their rituals, perhaps. No more may shamans drink wine and feast in my name for a bountiful hunt, but make no mistake. I persist. SCP-XXXX: Now the Americans come to my pyramid. My modern teocalli. They drink beer and they feast under my roof as they pray for a good day's fishing. You cannot crush the Teotl with a holy book or with sulfur and gunpowder. As long as one Mexica breathes, so shall I.
I get that this is broken up for pacing but since it's SCP-XXXX speaking both times maybe you should put all the speech in one paragraph? Or a… stage direction?? like, a pause, in between the two sections.
Excellent draft, really interesting idea, made me laugh, 10/10.
All instances of SCP-XXXX are to be stored in a standard air-gapped Foundation server.
"air-gapped"? and is SCP-XXXX online?
including an expert in hydromancy
This is not an ingredient.
Any online medium that mentions the process of making SCP-XXXX turns into a format resembling a recipe blog
Mentions the process of making (as in writing) the recipe? Or making SCP-XXXX-1 (i.e. following the recipe)?
resebling
"resembling"
reports from test subjects of SCP-XXXX-1 report the death as being peaceful
I get what you're trying to say here but people can't report how peaceful their death was if they're dead.
These are various interviews the Foundation conducted and documents the Foundation found that either reference SCP-XXXX or the users of SCP-XXXX.
The Foundation are writing the report in-universe, they don't need to reference themselves.
Researcher Danielle
Needs a first name in the "Interviewer" section.
Whiile Bautista was not looking, Researcher Danielle grabbed his copy of SCP-XXXX and sent it to Site-901 for safekeeping.
Should be "while" instead of "whiile". "Grabbed" breaks clinical tone; could be replaced with "obtained".
thye
"they"
I've told you to stop smoking already
Needs punctuation on the end.
Not much, but its there.
"Not much, but it's there."
[Andal hands over Danielle a folder. Danielle open the folder]
"[Andal hands over Danielle a folder. Danielle opens the folder]"
Andal: Hey, thats what you get when one of your steps is "be at sea".
"Andal: Hey, that's what you get when one of your steps is "be at sea"."
The dialogue in the second interview, specifically Danielle's dialogue, feels a little blunt; it's structured whereas it should probably be a little more casual.
Third interview should probably be an audio log rather than an interview.
Third interview feels disconnected. Mentioning crimes and then not mentioning them further on in the article hinders your narrative.
Site Director's notice feels very disconnected from the rest of the narrative and doesn't really make sense.
I have requested to accompany him during his daily life
Before this you referred to Bautista as "Ms". Keep it consistent.
Write the prologues and epilogues for the interviews in third person.
It was effective at disposing of a political dissident
The punctuation at the end of this sentence is one line below. Backspace so it's lined up.
I like the implication that Danielle is an assassin but overall I think it's still a bit disjointed. The content in the three interviews is not enough to show the growth of a meaningful relationship between Danielle and Bautista, and it just seems rushed. Even with the ending, it doesn't really do anything for me. I don't feel anything for either Bautista or Danielle, really.
These are various interviews the Foundation conducted and documents the Foundation found that either reference SCP-XXXX
"Below are various interviews conducted and documents found by the Foundation that reference either SCP-XXXX"
to destory what you
"to destroy what you"
please burn the parchment so no one will relearn how to do this
Capital letter needed at the beginning of the sentence.
If you manage to dispatch more people
You wrote "dispatch" twice in this paragraph and it feels a little repetitive.
Narrative- and pacing-wise, this is much better. There's clear narrative progression here where there wasn't before, and you are actually telling a story. Even though the ending is pretty open, it still works. I'm slightly hesitant about your decision to blackbox Marcos' name in the email, since people may well not know who he is.
SCP-XXXX appears to be a traditional late 19th-century photo album.
"SCP-XXXX is a traditional late-19th-century photo album."
The cover had big letters at the top reading
Breaks clinical tone. Try "The cover of SCP-XXXX is inscribed with the words".
Upon viewing SCP-XXXX individuals perceive the pages as displaying images
"Upon viewing SCP-XXXX, individuals perceive the pages to be displaying images". Are they perceiving the skip to be doing things or is it doing them?
birthdays, weddings, and other change-of-life events.
"birthdays, weddings, and other significant events"
The size of the book remains the same for all people.
Irrelevant, remove.
After they "relive" the memory and change their choices, they are able to see what would have happened if that was what had occurred.
Breaks clinical tone.
If multiple people are reading SCP-XXXX, the pictures are of the person closest to the book. If somebody else makes physical contact with the picture, nothing is reported to happen.
Clinical tone is a little bit off here. I recommend using "subjects" or "test subjects" instead of "people".
While archeologists launched an excavation of a plateau in Iran, They accidentally broke into what seemed to be an unexplored portion of the Qanat tunnels at first.
Reword. You can add this information in pieces without needing it in full sentences. Try starting with "SCP-XXXX was discovered during an excavation of a plateau in [somewhere], Iran."
Actually the entire discovery log is weird. Try rewording it into clinical tone and removing the excess information. Your focus should be the anomaly and its affects on the archaeologists, not the archaeologists themselves.
Welcome, Williams
"Welcome, Dr Williams"
Interviewee: [BLACKBOX]
"Interviewee: D-840264"
I am [BLACKBOX] and I am a physician's assistant at [BLACKBOX] Hospital.
D-Class very rarely have known names, and their occupations don't matter; researchers certainly wouldn't ask for them in official interviews.
You can use test subjects who aren't D-Class. If you need the reader to know about the D-Class's family in detail, don't use a D-Class. Otherwise, cut out the information under the blackboxes.
The Foundation would not pay D-Class (as they are there against their own wills) and they would not make it seem like they were going to. The Foundation are not incompetent; don't make them look it.
What is the chance I get harmed in any way.
"What is the chance I get harmed in any way?"
D-840672 My name is Dr. [BLACKBOX] and I am a researcher here. What is it this is about?
While D-Class are human test subjects, Foundation researchers are not D-Class. Give your researcher a name.
you will get a raise and become research head of SCP-[BLACKBOX].
This is not in Williams' control.
That son of a bitch
Don't hide swear words under blackboxes. The mainsite is made up mostly of adults, everybody is over 15, and, with a few exceptions, the Foundation would not redact swear words in audio logs.
Overall, I'm not convinced with this. You don't really have a narrative progression and the things your characters do either serve to show us things about the anomaly that we already know (the first two tests logs are virtually identical) or as a disjointed attempt at comedy (the end of the last test log). The concept is good and definitely has potential, but currently the way it's executed is not great. And please chill with the blackboxes.
with selected individuals sent for psychological and memory testing.
"with selected individuals recommended for psychological testing."
SCP-5640 designates an inactive black serpentine entity weighing 1200 kg and having a length of approximately 750 kilometers.
"SCP-5640 is a black serpentine entity weighing 1200 kg and measuring 750 kilometers in length."
which is made of thaumaturgically-enhanced keratine
"which are made of thaumaturgically-enhanced keratin"
although they had conflicting details and were ambiguous.
"although the reports were ambiguous and contained conflicting details."
Bangus Festival
Footnote here should be after "Bangus"
Philippine's
Apostrophe goes after the "s"
SCP-5640-1 refers to a middle-aged human female.
"SCP-5640-1 is a middle-aged human female."
GoI-503
You said before that Aviatica was GoI-530.
A single notebook has been found on its hands
"SCP-5640-1 was found holding a single notebook. which contained no text save for the inscription "Consummatum est" on its back cover."
although several deciphered articles are modules, checklists, and manuals meant for Project BAKUNAWA
"although several deciphered articles were found to be modules, checklists, and manuals meant for Project BAKUNAWA"
levitating thaumaturgic circle made out of abaca fibers, bamboo stilts, and Arabian jasmine cuttings.
"levitating thaumaturgic circle constructed from abaca fibers, bamboo stilts, and Arabian jasmine cuttings." (You also have a footnote that is a different format from the rest after "jasmine")
It's March 25, 2035 na.
"na"? Seems like a Filipino thing, in which case it should be italicised.
have already successfully asked Bakunawa six times to do it.
Footnote should be after "in the past".
PH GDP index to jump to 5th from 140th after Project BAKUNAWA
"Jump" feels like the wrong word? Unless you mean "140th to 5th".
Your footnotes aren't at the bottom of the page.
I'm not familiar with the GoI but you're essentially retelling a myth and that works for me. The SCP-5640-1 entity perhaps felt a little disconnected and you didn't talk more about the notebook after you first mentioned it. They need to be relevant to the story if you include them, even if it's just explaining that they exist in the myth.
Class-D amnestics
Interesting choice, I like it. I don't really understand why you chose it, but I'm intrigued.
prion-diseases
prion diseases
resulting in them becoming an SCP-XXXX-1 instance
"resulting in the creation of an SCP-XXXX-1 instance"
Standard foundation cogitohazard and anti-memetic training and inoculation have proven effective in countering the effect of SCP-XXXX-3 in 97% of cases.
"Standard Foundation cogitohazard and antimemetic training and inoculation has proven effective in countering the effect of SCP-XXXX-3 in 97% of cases."
Is this finished yet? If so, you don't have a narrative. While this is an interesting set-up, it needs more. It's definitely something I would read more of, but you need to show how your characters, including the Foundation, interact with your anomaly.
Are you sure you wish to continue? (Iteration 2)
Does not have a "> y" indicator.
but randomly can turn
Should the "randomly" be after the "can"?
half-bird half-human hybrid
"half-bird"?? Isn't she a siren?
But you know, it would make sense as to my own amnesia, as well as why I'm still here.
This sentence feels a little weird. I don't think it's in the wrong place, but the wording is a bit strange.
log 4
You saved the log in Iteration 1 as Log 4, and the log in Iteration 2 as Log 4. Is Molly saving the logs over each other or is this a typo?
and as a result research into SCP-XXXX instances
"and, as a result, research into SCP-XXXX instances"
World ending?
Not "Apollyon"?
class A amnestics
"Class A amnestics"
The div boxes are offset from the rest of the sandbox. I think it's intentional but I just wanted to check.
Overall, the narrative flows really well. I was worried initially because it was multiple different anomalies, but you connected them up and it works! I don't fully understand the ending (i.e. how Molly can log into SCiPnet when she couldn't before, and the implications of that), but I love the format screw and the story behind it. I would absolutely read more of this.
Song crit. Between 0:09-0:36 the lyrics were hard to hear due to loud music overlay and/or heavy distortion. Easy fix.
Now the question is, why do you want us to do contain you?
"Now the question is, why do you want us to contain you?"
triapsed
"traipsed"
A total of 149 steps are outlined in SCP-000.
Why 149? I feel like "Use unholy witchcraft to revive yourself" works as an ending.
I had to detonate a warhead under that refugee camp myself, now that was a pain.
Remove "myself"?
No, Two, we're terrible fucking people.
It's Six who says about protecting the world.
O5-3: Well, no use crying over spilled milk. Everyone grab your cannibalism kits, we're not wasting time being picky about body parts this time around!
This ending feels weird. I think it's just the phrasing of the sentence, though it might also be because cannibalism isn't explicitly mentioned anywhere else in the article.
It's such a nice day today you know.
"It's such a nice day today, you know?"
One is named , the other named .
Remember to add the names in.
What they did this day.
"What they did today."
Welcome home dear.
"Welcome home, dear."
I yell for 's name.
Remove "for" (This goes for all the sentences in the same format)
To be relesed.
"To be released."
ten thousands pounds of stone.
I know it's not an article, but you might still get penalised for using imperial rather than metric.
Overall, I like it but I don't really understand how it relates to the Foundation. If you hadn't mentioned 2k in chat then I would've said it wasn't connected at all. It's a cool story, but I think it needs a more obvious link to both the jamcon theme and to the Foundation (or a GoI).
you need a comma in the second "welcome home dear"
filling out the world I so desparately want to go back.
"filling out the world; I so desperately want to go back."
then none
"then nothing"
The Foundation link works well. It might break the tone a bit, but it works. if you make more major changes then I can look again.
Emily Masters, SCP-XXXX Site Directors
I know it says "Site Directors" because there's two of them but was this intentional or is it an error?
on said maps
Remove
Foundation Site-A
Maybe give them a number as well as a -A/-B designation? I've never seen "-[LETTER]" Sites before and, while I think it's cool, Sites usually have "-[NUMBER]" designations. If both Sites are dedicated to guarding SCP-XXXX (which is maybe a little excessive), you can use, for example, Site-19-A and Site-19-B (but obviously not "19" specifically) to show that they are two parts of the same site in different locations.
unmanned logistics vehicles
The Foundation have self-driving cars now? Wouldn't put it past them but it also feels a little too sci-fi for the setting?
Site's Containment procedure
"Site's Containment Procedures" or "Site's containment procedures"
Clearance Level 4
"Level 4 Clearance"
For this reason, the anomaly has been classified as ‘Ekhi’.
I'm unsure about this being here. You've already said in the ACS that SCP-XXXX is an Ekhi Class object, and unless it's a reclassification then you don't need to repeat it.
SCP-XXXX is a near perfect spherical area that is 9.19 kilometers in diameter as of last measurement, located in Pennsylvania. The affected area designated as SCP-XXXX consists of the former mining town Canterbury, as well as surrounding forests and hills.
"SCP-XXXX is a spherical area of land located in and around Canterbury, Pennsylvania. It is 9.19 kilometres in diameter as of [DATE]."
undergoing the rapid mitosis
"undergoing rapid mitosis"
Inorganic objects, like articles of clothing or jewellery, have been perceived to be unaffected
"Inorganic objects, including articles of clothing and jewellery, are not affected by SCP-XXXX"
Foundation medical staff specialized in mental health
The Foundation has a Psychology Department. "Psychology Department staff are to moniter SCP-XXXX-1 and -2 instances for signs of depression following the completion of the process."
Instances of SCP-XXXX appear to be immune to further duplication as long as both instances are alive and within the perimeters of the anomaly.
"Instances of SCP-XXXX are immune to further duplication, providing both instances are alive and within the perimeters of the anomaly."
Site Director of SCP-XXXX
You mentioned the Sites built before; Emily Masters is the Site Director of Site-X-A/B.
(proven by the fact that he is alive and well after over forty years in the service of the Foundation)
While this is technically true, the placement is a bit strange. Even if Masters is writing her personal notes, they've ended up in a Foundation report. I do not think a Site Director would write this, because they risk losing their job, and potentially their life, over it.
one of the senior researchers here
Masters is writing to herself. She knows who Mauritz is.
Dr. Mauritz’ move to sponsor my promotion
"Dr. Mauritz’s move to sponsor my promotion"
the staff member in charge of the everyday occurrences amongst the Security detail
Again, this is useful information for us, but you need to consider the format you're using. If Masters is writing to herself, she knows who her colleagues are.
except for some outliers with severe trust issues
"with the exception of a number of outliers with severe trust issues"
Addendum-1
This log is unnessarily long. There's a lot of new information about SCP-XXXX, -1, and -2 instances that we learn in this addendum but most of the content is filler content. I recommend cutting it down a lot and writing it in a different format (e.g. a letter or email) wherein it is directed towards another person.
NOTE
The note before the log lacks clinical tone in places and is mostly filler content.
Dr. Mauritz steps back, asking an inaudible question to Site Director Masters as solely the wind is picked up by the camera’s speaker.
"Dr. Mauritz steps back, speaking inaudibly to Dr Masters."
VIDEO LOG – SCP-XXXX INCIDENT-7
This could be a really great scene if it was actually written in the format. Cut out everything you don't need.
[Two SCP-XXXX Instances of Site Director Dr. Masters]
Dr Masters is not an SCP-XXXX instance. She is both an SCP-XXXX-1 and SCP-XXXX-2 instance, in the way you have written it. It may be simpler, since the clones are fully identical, to refer to them both as SCP-XXXX-1 instances.
Rebecca and her click
"Rebecca and her clique"
Addendum 4
The only difference between these two notes is the coffee/tea thing. This is a very long log to have to read twice when it has no important differences. I suggest having it once, with an additional note saying that both the texts were the same save for [X Details].
Overall, I don't know how I feel how this one. I like the idea but there's too many words and it makes for slow pacing and a lack of narrative progression. Cut it down (get rid of any unimportant or repeated information) and keep your clinical tone tight. I know there's room for more addenda here, so I am taking into consideration that isn't finished, but currently I can't see it going anywhere exciting yet. I'm happy to take another look once you've made major changes.