Tawny Critique 3

Well… damn.

This is a solid concept. Like, really solid. It's reminding me of a couple skips and also a film. Not because your idea isn't original but because they are all horror and they all fully floored me, just like your concept thread.

The whole story reminds me of SCP-2410, but I'm not sure why. The part about the news report reminds me of the ending of SCP-5879. The ending especially reminds me of Orphan (2009).

Again, the concepts aren't the same as yours, even though parts are potentially similar, it's just the general vibes. When I read your thread description I presumed you would probably be looking into changeling lore, but errrrr you didn't.

You have a fully-formed narrative here. I have a couple questions: Is there more than one doll? (i.e. does this only affect one household at a time?) and How is the doll destroyed at the beginning? It's not particularly important given how fleshed-out the rest of this is, but it is something that came to mind. EDIT: potential extra questions that came to mind the second I posted this: Why does the doll do this? and Who does it target specifically?

EDIT 2:

the initial incident

Is this the child being replaced or the doll being broken? I presumed the former, but if not then this is probably a plot hole (because it wouldn't've been long enough to have dismissed the case).

Anyways this is getting longer than it has any right to be as a non-review. Here's a link to the Butterfly Squad Roster; have a greenlight; hit me up when you've got a draft.

You are incredibly welcome. I really recommend talking to somebody on the Butterfly Squad and also putting the link in chat to get more eyes on it.

There is only one doll at a time, it simply manifests again after being destroyed.

Does it manifest broken? You mentioned the doll in the hospital being broken, but didn't specify with the time before.

At the beginning, I’m honestly not sure yet. There are only so many non-human means to kill someone, and I want it to be plausible. Earthquake and something falls? Natural gas leak? Landslide? I’ll definitely come up with something that fits the narritive.

Yeah, of course. You seem to know what you're doing. If it's something you want to focus on in your narrative you'll probably have to think about it more before you draft but that's what concept crit is for. (I own a book called "Extreme Survival" which details a lot of non-human ways to die, if you're stuck and want a hand.)

The doll does this because it is lonely, as the title suggests. It wants a family, but when it is “killed” or the replaced child’s 18th birthday comes, it moves on to a new family. It wants to be cared for and valued. I’m thinking it definitely has abandonment issues.

Kinda thinking about why it would move on when the replaced child turns 18? If the doll doesn't age physically, would it not just stay the same age forever in the family's perception?

It targets households (although the hospital incident shows an evolution of the SCP) possessing at least one guardian and at least one female child from the age of birth to 18. The doll itself is likely female because it has only chosen female victims so far.

When you say "at least one guardian" are you referring to if a child only has one parent, or does it sometimes not convince the whole family? Is it relevant to say that the doll is only female because it has so far chosen only female victims instead of implying it takes on the gender of the each victim, or not even mentioning it at all?

Edit: It’s the latter, but I can increase the time between the destruction of the doll and the undercover agent hearing about it to make dismissing the case more plausible.

Edit: I'm not sure about this. While it makes more sense narratively to have the agent focusing on the skip, you imply that the girl's parents take her to the psychiatrist immediately which is where the plothole is. Increasing the time between the destruction and the discovery might fix it, but you'd probably need a reason as to why the girl's parents don't take her to this particular psychiatrist immediately.

(If you feel like it, you can use this idea I came up with in about 5 seconds and include a line that says something about the girl having visited multiple psychiatrists previously, which would also reinforce the idea that her parents thought she was traumatised by the event that killed the doll.)

Hello again!

while the doll in the hospital's "death" is more ambiguous

You could easily leave it ambigious, as long as you mention the mechanics of the doll's deaths. i.e. the first sentence of this referenced paragraph. That way, it doesn't matter specifically how the doll dies in the hospital, but rather just that it died in general using the same mechanics it did previously.

That would be amazing.

Is this in reference to my book? Hmu some time when I'm in chat and I will impart some death-based wisdom ideas. My chat nick is TawnyOwlJones/TawnyAFK if I'm on my computer, TawnyOwlPhones/TawnyAFKPhones if I'm on my phone; my timezone is BST; I'm usually around all day.

The doll wouldn't run away, but something that could either kill someone, or separate them from their family for long enough that finding them in foster care years later would be plausible, since the real child was found there.

Would separating the doll from its family for a prolonged period of time kill it? Or does it choose to move on, for example, feeling that it has been abandoned?

The doll technically doesn't age, but the perception does so as to conform to the expectations of those around them, including pre-existing known conditions such as a disease.

So it doesn't physically age but the family perceive it to?

I'm considering trashing the moving on at 18 idea, instead having the doll choose to "die" at an appropriately old age instead of just disappearing.

Hmm. These are basically the same thing but from different angles. It wholly depends on what you do with the previous point but I don't really understand why it would die intentionally at a certain time rather than just leaving whenever it felt like it, or due to another external factor?

The cognizardous effect works on almost everyone, except those either trained against it or born with natural resistance, but those cases are very rare.

This is interesting. It kinda reminds me of Orphan again. Does the family in your story have other children, apart from the doll? If so, do they perceive the doll differently to how their parents perceive it? I'm just throwing around ideas here you obviously don't have to use all or any of this (you're also welcome to use them if you want to). Also it's "cognitohazardous". :P

petitepaddington said at 04/23/2021 18:35:25: Your suggestion is genius and I am absolutely using it. Thank you so much!

You are very welcome.

Hi!

Maybe, I haven't decided on any siblings yet as I'm not sure if or how that would contribute to the narrative.

Yeah, generally if something doesn't further the narrative it hinders it. Play around and see what works when you get to drafting. With a short-ish skip, you don't want too many things going on at once, especially externally (outside of the Foundation's list of things they give a shit about).

I don't want to clog the article too much.

This sentiment exactly.

I'm thinking it increases in size to reflect the child's age, but besides that, not really.

Cool, was just clarifying.

If you feel like keeping your story linear (as you probably should in this case), don't worry about mentioning all the extra stuff about the hypothetical scenarios if they don't directly relate to the events of your current story. I feel like you already know this, it's just a reminder. I really only bring up the hypotheticals at all because I'm interested in your anomaly beyond your current story.

Unrelated to your narrative but you should probably join the Sandbox site if you haven't already. :)

Honestly I don't think I have any more questions or critique here. I wish you the absolute best of luck with this.

15:20 <NK_Ultra> Anyone else wanna have a look at my idea crit thread?
15:24 <TawnyOwlJones> NK_Ultra: my advice would be to edit your thread to explain more about the character study. explain what actually happens in your narrative beyond just a general summary. you need three things: characters, conflict, and conclusion. what specifically does your anomaly do to your character in this story?
15:25 <winwkonk> Would anyone mind taking a look at my VKTM draft?
15:26 <NK_Ultra> I have yet to develop any solid narrative yet. All I know for sure is that I want to follow a character who slowly goes insane because of the anomaly. Frankly, at this point in time, it's still hard to come up with anything solid.
15:30 <TawnyOwlJones> NK_Ultra: you should have a solid narrative when you make an ideas thread, or at the very least a vague idea of where you plan to take the narrative. (my point is that Limeyy is probably going to say similar stuff to what I said above). do some brainstorming and figure out who you want your character to be and what their emotions and reactions are
15:30 <TawnyOwlJones> to the anomaly, as well as what the anomaly actually does to them. is your character Foundation? if not, how do the Foundation react to the anomaly differently to how the character reacts? etc

Hi! (Summoned via IRC)

urges passers-by to pluck bills from its branches

Compulsion is very hard to write well. It's better if there's a reason why the anomaly affects certain people.

slowly deteriorating psychological development

"Thing that makes you crazy" is very hard to write well. There's also the issue surrounding sensitivity; do not paint addicts in an objectively bad light (i.e. maybe focus more on how the anomaly as a metaphor for addiction is affecting your character's life, rather than how his addiction supposedly makes him a horrible person).

The main character will be a researcher who offers to become a test subject of his own

Is he testing on himself? What are the implications of that, beyond the psychological deterioration?

D-Class personnel offer little to no results

D-Class are, errrrrr, human, usually. Why would the researcher show results in testing this skip that were different to that of the D-Class?

The researcher is an unreliable narrator, meaning that not all of what he will log will be truthful and is usually clouded by his own distorted view of what's actually happening to him.

I'm interested in this. Tell me more.

Further into the logs the researcher's mental health deteriorates and starts having suicidal tendencies after his colleagues start alienating him due to his selfish and antisocial behavior.

This is your conflict. I'm interested, but you need to ensure you write this in a respectful way. Suicide is a very sensitive topic; there's nothing saying you can't write about it but be careful.

The researcher will eventually die

Death is typically an anticlimactic ending. We have to care about your character to care about their death, but if they're an arsehole for the entire story there's nothing to care about and your story will likely just… end.

but the reader will not be exposed to the cause.

Leaving the cause open kinda leaves your readers without a conclusion. Why are you not telling the reader the character's cause of death? What hides behind the blackbox and why does it have to be hidden?

Overall, it's an interesting concept. I have concerns about execution especially but you have a conflict and a conclusion here already. I'd like to know more about the actual content of the test logs and how you plan to show your character's deterioration.

Hi! Came back for a second look.

This is less interesting than it was last time, imo. It still has the same pitfalls as the last idea with the researcher, where the content within the logs/journal entries isn't detailed. We don't actually see much of the story here yet.

Additionally, the Foundation don't factor into this story at all. How the Foundation react to and interact with the anomaly is more important than what the anomaly does.

By removing the researcher character, you take away the Foundation influence and leave all the cliches. Your story becomes a backstory and there's no current narrative. It might work in a Tale format, which is totally an option and is in no way inferior to an SCP article /srs, but without some Foundation influence or perspective it likely won't work as a skip. What do the Foundation think of this character, and why does their perspective of the situation matter?

22:24 <NK_Ultra> TawnyOwlJones: What do you think should be the motive for the researcher, since the passers-by character doesn't work for you?
22:27 <TawnyOwlJones> NK_Ultra: it's not about the motive, per se, it's more about the situation. "Foundation researcher who works with anomalies" already has a more established backstory than "random passerby". with the passerby character, all of that substance gets removed and you're left with a narrative that doesn't have the foundations it had previously. even
22:27 <TawnyOwlJones> though the plot points are the same, i care significantly less about your character than i did before.
22:27 <TawnyOwlJones> either way, you need to create a solid character and explain the contents of the logs/journal entries.
22:28 <NK_Ultra> Alright, so I should just leave it at "A researcher who works on his own projects rather than have test subjects perform it for them"?
22:30 <SynthPanda_> quicksilver Main crit i'd give is it's way too lacking in detail. The special containment procedures works, it drags the reader in. however the rest of the article doesn't really justify this menacing entrance. First off, the description doesn't really describe anything. Where is this scp located? can it move? how can it be identified visually? is
22:30 <SynthPanda_> the anomaly the portal, the universe, or both? Also explain in greater detail what 'an extra-universal buffer space between our universe and its charge, parity, and time-reversal (CPT) complement.' or It'll probably just sound like sci-fi jargon with no real meaning to most readers.
22:30 <SynthPanda_> I also think the article doesn't really justify the scale of this SCP. It's an entire universe but on reading the article it kind of just feels like a circle that can't be entered and shoots out dangerous creatures. An exploration log could not only give the story a narrative but emphasis that this is a huge world, opposite to ours.
22:30 <SynthPanda_> TL;DR keep the special containment procedures, go in to greater detail about the concepts and events you've already laied out, and find a way to make this 'opposite universe' feel as grand in scale as a universe should
22:31 <TawnyOwlJones> NK_Ultra: i feel like the first post focused more on the character and his situation and how it affected him than on the things the anomaly does. before it was a story, now it's more of a monster manual entry (see your additional notes section; if something isn't furthering the narrative, it's hindering it. you don't include why or how the location
22:31 <TawnyOwlJones> affects the chatacter specifically so including it in the thread currently hinders the story).
22:31 <TawnyOwlJones> NK_Ultra: if you like, yeah. that's just characterisation.
22:33 <NK_Ultra> I updated it to make it about the researcher again
22:33 <GusDaner> Can someone critique my concept thread? I would greatly appreciate it. http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-14066197/scp-XXXX-demo#post-4958348
SCP-XXXX Concept Post [Seeking Critque] - SCP Foundation
22:35 <TawnyOwlJones> NK_Ultra: you're back to square one. I recommend detailing about the contents of the test logs to flesh out the narrative. (i won't be able to look again tonight, but i can look tomorrow if you want)
22:36 <NK_Ultra> And the additional notes log I do feel is necessary. With the different currency it produces I want to indicate that there's not just one anomaly in existence, as to make it a much more concerning threat. The part about the tree producing money faster is a plot device which affects the main character. And the tree sap part I want to use to indicate what happens to its victims
22:36 <NK_Ultra> I was asked about those details, so I added them to the thread.
22:38 <NK_Ultra> And one thing I want to point out is that I DON'T want to make the character an asshole, instead have him be a sympathetic figure who you feel shouldn't go down the road he is going.
22:39 <NK_Ultra> @TawnyOwlJones
22:39 <TawnyOwlJones> they are perhaps important to your story, but i would suggest adding the reasoning into the thread so it doesn't seem surplus. explain how they factor into your story specifically; make it part of the plot. they aren't bad ideas, they're just out of place
22:40 <TawnyOwlJones> regardless of his specific characterisation, his death has to do something for the readers if it's going to land well. think about what emotions you're trying to evoke here and then evoke them
22:42 <NK_Ultra> My point exactly
22:42 <TawnyOwlJones> 👍
22:42 <NK_Ultra> I want the reader to feel bad for this character's death

The tree is a predator.

I'm kinda torn here tbh. I think this is probably reasonable and a fair reason to use compulsion but I don't understand why a predatory tree wouldn't just kill people on the spot rather than waiting for them to descend into insanity first?

I want the reader to feel sympathy towards this person and have seeing him getting 'crazier' be difficult for the reader.

This is arguably better than making him an asshole but honestly it might go too far over the other side (inspiration porn kinda shit; "i'm glad that's not me"; etc). Whatever you do, make him a person rather than a plot device.

Joker (2019)

I haven't seen Joker and I don't ever plan to. There's nothing wrong with using films to explain how a plot point or trope works (I do this in crit all the time, especially in comparison) but you have to actually explain what the plot point is and how it works. I wanted to know about how you plan to make your character an unreliable narrator; what things is he saying to obscure the truth in a way that will either create dramatic irony or a bombshell effect? This ties in with needing to know about the actual content of the logs.

I don't want to make it insensitive, I want to make it something to raise awareness.

Fair enough, I guess. It still stands that it's a sensitive topic and you should make sure that the underlying metaphor is actually in your draft (and your concept post) and that you aren't just using death/suicide as shock horror.

After some evaluation, I want to imply that the character was consumed by the tree. Like I said, the tree is a predator, not much different from a carnivorous plant. It will be indicated by the sudden appearance of a curious tree sap.

Reasonable conclusion. You should mention that the tree sap implies death early on in the article though, otherwise it likely won't make sense.

Overall, this is better than it was. It still has a lot of tropey stuff and you still haven't explained what the specific story is (i.e. the contents of the test logs). As far as narrative structure goes, it's good, but it's lacking narrative substance at the moment.

Hi!

Sorry about that. It was already 12 AM where I was from when I wrote that, so I didn't entirely feel like going into it too much.

No worries. You also don't have to reply straight away; the point of the forums is that you can take your time to formulate an in-depth response. Writing comes second to looking after yourself.

The character will basically be obscuring the truth due to the effects that the tree has on him, say: there are signs of greed, the character subtly lets the reader discover this, but the character will not notice it by himself, or: the character is slowly losing the trust of his colleagues, there are signs all over that indicate why this is happening to the main character, but the character will be ignorant to this and blame it on his colleagues' "shortcomings."

This is all good stuff, but I'm really still wondering about what the contents of the logs are. Most of the underlying stuff (that your character is obscuring the truth) will be subtle, right? So what is the truth that your character is obscuring? What is he writing about? The logs are supposedly test logs about the anomaly, but what do they say about the anomaly?

I really like the change you made with the researcher. It allows a very cool perspective; nice one.

I'm still thinking about the contents of the test logs. I'm kind of on the edge about this idea as a whole (I really dislike test logs, and I'm worried that the narrative could be flat in places), but it's all down to the execution of the concept in the draft stage and not the concept itself. Therefore, you can have a greenlight; I wish you the absolute best of luck.

+ Nick2000

+ ChaosMageX

- Close

Hi! (Summoned via IRC)

Note: I'm referencing your answers to Dodo as well as your initial post.

Infected humans are granted the ability to transform into the animal species that infected them

When you say "granted the ability", do you mean that they transform by choice? Can they choose to transform between their full and partial theriotypes? The reference to Dr Rateleken "going full snake" suggests so, but I wanted to ask for clarification.

In regards to pacing, I plan on having it start as a normal SCP article, only to have an interview log in it literally get interrupted by the convoy ambush incident, because Dr. Rateleken is using a stenography app to log the interview in real time.

I'm kinda confused about this. Who is being interviewed? What are the contents of the interview? I was under the impression that Dr Rateleken was part of the transport convoy.

I was initially concerned about the blackboxing of the GoI but you addressed it in answer to Dodo's question. I would still recommend not blackboxing their name in the skip, and instead sufficiently introducing them as a new GoI.

What is the assassin's motive? And how are you planning on incorporating the background information (all the GoI stuff)? How does Dr Rateleken find out about the skip being a bioweapon, and about his venom being an antidote to the skip?

Overall, it's a very cool idea. Most of my concerns above are minor, and I'm totally willing to greenlight you if you have answers to my questions. Please don't hesitate to contact me via Wikidot PM or IRC if you have questions about my crit.

While I very much appreciate the time and effort you put into typing your reply, mine will be much shorter.

I'm not sure about having further experimentation on the therianthropy virus at the end, I feel like it's too detached from the original narrative. Feel free to explain what the experiments would show and how they would contribute to the narrative if you wish.

That being said, it's a fairly minor detail. Have a greenlight; good luck with your draft.

+ Petdoc1991/Petdoc2021

- Close

Yes the world is a simulation.

So, just to be clear: this current world that we and the Foundation exist in is a simulation that the anomaly is generating world-ending scenerios in? Rather than that it's running world-ending scenarios in alternate-universe versions or digital copies of this reality? Does that make it Apollyon? If it's not doing that, you really need to clarify what it's actually doing because it's not clear at all.

Dr. Q will discover that this program was made by him to find a way to predict and generate solutions to prevent world ending scenarios.

You never previously mentioned this and it has a massive impact on the direction of your narrative. This works as a conflict, but I'm worried that falling into tropes (e.g. cloning) will massively overcomplicate the narrative. That's not to say that tropes can't be written well, but this isn't something that was in the previous narrative breakdown and it kind of seems tacked on at the moment. This entire section is a big event, narratively, and I'm wondering how you plan to show the duality of Dr Q, and how you plan to end this narrative arc.

This would cause the program to reboot and restart the scenario from the beginning.

What are the in-universe implications of the program restarting? What's the point of it and how does it further your narrative?

Overall, I think you've got too much going on. Having a complicated story isn't the issue, it's that all the complicated stuff about simulations and cloning and GoIs doesn't get followed through to the conclusion. It's a lot of plot points that don't ever connect to anything. You don't really have a conclusion yet either; formulate a conclusion and then work to connect all the stuff about simulations and cloning and GoIs to the conclusion.

This seems significantly less complex (in a good way) and more interesting than it was before. I really only have one more question (which you might have already answered somewhere???): why does Dr Q want to/have to exit the program?

Hi!

I think the first one would be more interesting but it might also end up being disjointed from the rest of the narrative. Dr Q finding out that the world is a simulation is your current conflict, but using this reasoning for Dr Q to exit the program might either replace or clash with your existing conflict. Additionally, the sightings of the skip are right at the beginning of your story, so it might seem out of place that he's only recognising the danger so late on in the narrative when he spent a large amount of time collecting data on it.

The second one feels like it would be easier to write, but perhaps is not as satisfying or interesting. I'd like to hear more of an explanation about it and how you would plan to include it in your narrative. Why is he a guinea pig? And for what?

Hi!

I don't think this plot point would entirely replace the main conflict (i.e. Dr Q finding out about the simulation would still need to feature, but it wouldn't be the main conflict), but I do think it's more interesting than any of the alternatives. You would likely need to mention about the synchronisation earlier on in order for the conflict/conclusion to land properly, but that's for the draft stage.

I think you might still run into issues where the narrative is overcomplicated but to a significantly more minor degree than it was before, and at this stage you seem to know where your story will lead and what your characters will do.

Have a greenlight! (You definitely deserve it.)

+ DrJekill

- Close

Hi! (Summoned via PM)

(Also I finished writing this hours ago and forgot to press post; I'm really sorry. Also check your tells; I have questions about your draft.)

It may be because of my lack of Wandsmen knowledge but I'm not really sure what any of this leads to? What's the significance of each of the artifacts Aza finds and how do they play into the story?

You have a full narrative arc here, but it's not that interesting at the moment. I'm interested in all the different parts, but it's disjointed and none of it follows through enough to be interesting in the end.

I like the idea of the silhouette, but you only allude to it being a pattern screamer without explaining what that means to the story. Same with the artifacts.

In regards to the ending, I think having Aza go back to the structure is good (significantly better than just having him leave). That's the strongest part of the concept, but nothing else connects to it yet.

If you elaborate on what the artifacts mean and why they're significant to the story (especially to the ending), as well as adding some more detail about the pattern screamer, I'm willing to look again. It's pretty close to greenlighting territory but I need more narrative information to consider that. Good luck!

18:27 <TawnyOwlJones> so, like, Aza finding the artifacts doesn't really mean anything in the context of the whole story. he's finding all this cool stuff but he doesn't say anything about it other than what it is and what it does. you could connect it better using first hytoth lore, maybe? what did it mean to them vs what it means to him?
18:31 <DrJekill> Well, the map is obiusly important for cartography (I'll put it in the draft). The parchment is for biology or chemestry (already put, but will need a bit more). And the stones are like super-advanced memory records
18:31 <DrJekill> I'll put in the draft
18:31 <TawnyOwlJones> okay, but what does that mean to the wandsmen?
18:32 <DrJekill> Give me a life example
18:32 <TawnyOwlJones> rephrase
18:33 <DrJekill> I don't know what "could mean" to the wandsmen. Give me an example.
18:33 <TawnyOwlJones> one second i'm rereading your thread
18:35 <TawnyOwlJones> > The last relic found is a group of five stones with impossible chemical structures and with a non-defined shape. He managed to unlock the first one applying thaumaturgics on it, the stone opened and screams came out of it and Aza felt how was being slain in different ways (without feeling pain). He couldn't move and the stone was too far, so he
18:35 <TawnyOwlJones> used his portals and closed the stone (otherwise he had lost his sanity).
18:35 <TawnyOwlJones> what does this represent? the first two artifacts show the planets being destroyed and the people dying, but what does the third one mean?
18:38 <DrJekill> Sorry, I disconected. It represents, the last moments of the Hytoth. I'm sorry if it wasn't clear
18:38 <TawnyOwlJones> hmm
18:38 <TawnyOwlJones> i feel like that just encompasses the meanings of the two previous artifacts
18:39 <TawnyOwlJones> like, it should probably represent something separate too
18:39 <DrJekill> Right, you have your point.
18:40 <TawnyOwlJones> and all of the meanings (or speculated meanings) should probably be noted in the draft. it's still disjointed, but i think noting the meanings will strengthen the narrative, rather than using it as filler plot for the pattern screamer
18:41 <DrJekill> Ok, I'll do it in the idea and the draft
18:41 <TawnyOwlJones> update it in the idea first and i'll take a look before i start the draft crit
18:41 <TawnyOwlJones> take your time as well, just ping me in #thecritters when you're done
18:43 <DrJekill> Cool
18:44 <DrJekill> I'll try to make up something for the first artifact
18:45 <TawnyOwlJones> 👍
18:50 <DrJekill> Hey Tawny, sorry to disturb you again but I think I have it. If the first one reflects the places of the people, and the second one represents the body of the people, maybe the last one could be how the souls (that are not pattern dwellers) ended. What do you think?
18:51 <TawnyOwlJones> yep, that sounds really good!
18:52 <DrJekill> But how will look like. Like a plane of lost souls trapped inside stones for all the eternity?
18:52 <DrJekill> *like?*
18:53 <TawnyOwlJones> can you rephrase that?
18:55 <DrJekill> Imagine that the wandsmen falls sleep, a cradle music sounds, and he awakes in a burned forest where shadows are walking.
18:56 <DrJekill> It doesn't have to be that but, or necesarely creppy
18:56 <DrJekill> *but* it's an error
18:57 <TawnyOwlJones> i'm still confused. i don't think it needs to look like anything, if Aza is just finding and documenting the artifacts. you mentioned before that "the stone opened and screams came out of it and Aza felt how was being slain in different ways", which i think is good
18:58 <DrJekill> Then you're saying me that it should stay how it is?! Now I'm confused
18:58 <DrJekill> I thought you wanted me to change it
19:00 <TawnyOwlJones> oh god communication error.
19:00 <TawnyOwlJones> it wasn't the description of how it happened was the issue. feel free to change it if you want to, but it's okay as is.
19:00 <TawnyOwlJones> the issue was that it didn't previously symbolise anything, but the line about the screaming lines up perfectly with the idea that the people's souls are trapped.
19:02 <DrJekill> But the guy can't say something like "the 1 are the planets, 2 the body, and 3 the souls
19:02 <DrJekill> Or can he?
19:03 <TawnyOwlJones> he doesn't have to say it outright, and probably shouldn't, but you can (and should) heavily imply that that's what the artifacts represent
19:06 <DrJekill> Something like: 'Damn, that's how their homelands were destroyed, fuck, that's how their bodies ended, and holy cow, this was the last thing that there hearts were screaming: pain."
19:12 <TawnyOwlJones> nah, more implicit. i think it's about your ability to 1) suitably describe the artifacts in a way that makes it fairly obvious that they represent something beyond the physical, and 2) transfer Aza's emotions upon seeing the artifacts that will determine whether this sinks or swims. show not tell; how does Aza react to seeing the artifacts etc?
19:12 <TawnyOwlJones> (<—- that's a rhetorical question, you already answered it in your ideas thread)
19:15 <DrJekill> Do you know any example (SCP, tale, etc) that makes something similar.
19:15 <DrJekill> ?
19:16 <TawnyOwlJones> not off the top of my head, sorry. cyvstvi's articles have a lot of that kinda metaphysical stuff, so there's probably some implicit allusion in their articles
19:16 <TawnyOwlJones> .au cyv
19:16 <TawnyOwlJones> wait
19:17 <TawnyOwlJones> http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/cyvstvi13-s-author-page
Cyvstvi13's Author Page - SCP Foundation
19:18 <TawnyOwlJones> i'd start with Take Me To The Moor and Oracle Of The Fae, they're heavy on the metaphysical
19:18 <DrJekill> Thanks, I'll make my best
19:20 <TawnyOwlJones> yeah, of course! shoot me a wikidot PM when you've updated the draft and i'll take a look
19:20 <TawnyOwlJones> as long as you understand about how to describe the implications of the artifacts i'm willing to give you a greenlight

+ Dr_Recoil

- Close

Hi! (Summoned via PM)

Story starts on a Explained SCP article about water (yes, water. Inspired by IRL science)

How are you planning on writing this? Is the point that the researchers thought that anomalous nature things were being caused by water but they're actually caused by something else? Is this going to be the start of the article, an archived area, or an offset? I like the idea of it starting as an -EX article but I'm uncertain about how you plan on executing that?

Mars growing life once again (which I will imply it to be either a mistake or it's finally starting)

Can you elaborate what this means, especially the part in the brackets? How does this relate to the tree?

DNA-like hereditary memory

Again, how does this relate to the tree? What specifically is the tree doing that causes civilisations to mimic their predecessors, and why does it matter? Why do the researchers draw connections between there being water on Mars and hereditary memory existing?

It doesn't matter if we care for nature or not, it'll just keep coming back anyway

I don't like this sentiment. I'm not the most science-y person in the world but I'm pretty sure this straight-up isn't true, and expressing this is harmful.

It tackles the topic called optimistic nihilism, which will be explored in the head researcher's personal accounts in the last iteration. From his struggles in life up until his retirement, since he's finally happy in life.

You didn't previously mention that this was going to be a personal account of events rather than a Foundation-wide account of events. What are you planning on including in the head researcher's personal accounts? How many are you planning on writing? Is the entire story made up of personal accounts, or just part of it? How do they play into the rest of the story?

I honestly feel like this is on a much larger scale than it needs to be. You've got all this… stuff about civilisations and anthropology and mythology and aliens going on but I fear you might just be writing this because it looks cool rather than because it actually contributes to the story. As long as you know what you're writing about it'll be fine, and could be a really good 6k if well-executed, but my concern is that it might end up being disjointed and/or too complex.

My other, much more significant and localised concern is that the Foundation discover the tree, and then what? They already know about the components, which is the interesting part, so why is them finding the source significant/interesting to your reader? Ending with the discovery feels like a let-down, because you've written a lot about how the entire universe is the result of an anomaly and then we learn it's because of this tree, but so what? Why is it any different than the entire universe being the result of water, as in the original -EX? Why does your reader care?

+ HollFellswap

- Close

20:59 <HollFellswap> SCP-XXXX is a bread maker, who makes bread with anomalous effects. He then perfects his recipe and all negative anomalous effects disappear from SCP-XXXX-B.
20:59 <HollFellswap> or thingy
20:59 <TawnyOwlJones> what is SCP-XXXX-B?
20:59 <HollFellswap> bread
20:59 <TawnyOwlJones> okay
21:00 <TawnyOwlJones> and how are the Foundation involved in this?
21:00 <HollFellswap> they help him perfect the recipe
21:00 <TawnyOwlJones> why
21:00 <HollFellswap> they want to see what would happen
21:01 <TawnyOwlJones> and why do they want to do that?
21:02 <TawnyOwlJones> that's boring; give them a real reason
21:02 <HollFellswap> they want to see if it would hold different effects, no longer have effects, they do it for testing purposes.
21:02 <TawnyOwlJones> what are the different effects? and why is it beneficial to the Foundation to remove the anomalous effects from the bread?
21:03 <HollFellswap> he can still make the negative bread
21:03 <HollFellswap> the bad bread
21:03 <HollFellswap> but he is satisfied
21:03 <HollFellswap> that he found the perfect bread
21:03 <HollFellswap> this also helps the foundation get answers from him
21:03 <HollFellswap> because before, he would never really completely give answers
21:04 <TawnyOwlJones> and what is his reason for making anomalous bread?
21:04 <HollFellswap> he wants to make normal bread, but it turned anomalous for unknown reasons
21:04 <HollFellswap> the foundation also tells him to make the bread
21:04 <HollFellswap> he also only eats that bread that he makes
21:04 <TawnyOwlJones> what are the repercussions of that?
21:05 <TawnyOwlJones> of him eating the bread, i mean
21:05 <HollFellswap> none
21:05 <HollFellswap> he perfects the bread
21:05 <HollFellswap> but
21:05 <HollFellswap> it still has the anomalous effects
21:05 <HollFellswap> of wanting to eat more and more
21:05 <HollFellswap> after consuming
21:05 <TawnyOwlJones> what are the effects
21:05 <TawnyOwlJones> that's just compulsion
21:06 <HollFellswap> no
21:06 <HollFellswap> your brain physically commands you to have more
21:06 <HollFellswap> its kinda like how 012 compels you to finish its scroll
21:06 <TawnyOwlJones> how is that anomalous
21:06 <TawnyOwlJones> so it is compulsion?
21:07 <HollFellswap> anomalous because it also tastes like the best thing you've ever tasted
21:07 <TawnyOwlJones> i-
21:07 <TawnyOwlJones> hmm
21:08 <TawnyOwlJones> it's just not that interesting? like, sure, the story is the most important part but the anomaly still has to be interesting and this isn't really
21:08 <HollFellswap> thats more the ending
21:08 <HollFellswap> the story is the interviews
21:08 <HollFellswap> and the communication between him and foundation members
21:08 <TawnyOwlJones> interviews are a format, not a plot point
21:08 <TawnyOwlJones> what is the contents of the interviews?
21:09 <HollFellswap> them asking him about the effects of the bread, forming bonds or hostility between personnel
21:09 <HollFellswap> and sometimes he answers straight
21:09 <HollFellswap> sometimes he doesnt
21:09 <HollFellswap> and also
21:09 <HollFellswap> him perfecting the bread is part of the story
21:09 <TawnyOwlJones> and why does your reader care?
21:10 <TawnyOwlJones> him perfecting the bread can be part of the story, yes
21:10 <HollFellswap> because if they've read the whole thing, they'll understand that he wanted to perfect the bread the entire time, so they'll be happy for him, as they've made a connection with him during the story, i'd say.
21:11 <TawnyOwlJones> hmm
21:11 <HollFellswap> after reading about him, they'd gain a vision of his personality, his goals, what he's like and they'd like to read on to see what happens
21:12 <HollFellswap> and then they'd be happy he achieved his goal
21:14 <TawnyOwlJones> i have to ditch, so here's my final thoughts for tonight. it still feels pretty series 1. i'd like to see what fleshing out of the character you can do in the ideas forum thread (remembering that the Foundation views anomalies as objects, and that the bread is the anomaly rather than the maker). if you'd like, you can drop me a tell with the link
21:14 <TawnyOwlJones> to the thread when you've updated it and i can take a look tomorrow.

Hi! (Summoned via IRC)

I feel like you're focused too much on the breadmaker and the bread and anomalous abilities, when you should be focusing on the progression of the narrative. You link your narrative to the creative process, which is a really good idea, but at the moment it's just tacked on rather than being a parallel.

Think about the emotional shift; your SCP used to be hostile and now isn't. If that's the result of him perfecting his bread recipe, how did he come to perfect his bread recipe? How do the Foundation come into this story, and why? Why do they help him perfect his bread recipe, and what reason do they have to help him? How does it benefit them?

How can you connect your story to the creative process and make it obvious that there's an underlying metaphor?

Build the narrative first and then figure out what anomalous ability/ies your skip has.

I also want to reiterate something that has been said in chat a lot over the past few days and that is that you need to read a lot more recent skips. This is still very much at risk of being a Series I style skip and it's just not what people are looking for anymore. The Comprehensive Guide Hub has a lot of writing guides (and essays, which you should read) that you can use to get an idea of how to write SCPs.

Good luck!

+ Captain Sharp/CaptainSharp

+ ShadowWolf62001

- Close

Hi! (Summoned via IRC)

I have a couple of concerns here, but I will say this is a lot better than it was when I looked yesterday.

The actual skip here is the shadow entity, not the man. That is to say that the man himself doesn't need any anomalous abilities as such, especially since the ones you've listed here don't really fit together. Having the man as a proxy for the anomaly would reduce the chance of X-Man Syndrome and would probably make for a better, more engaging story. I would say to scrap the regenerative ability altogether, and increase the focus on the connection between the tattoo and the shadow entity. I'm a little skeptical of including the tattoo at all, but as long as you connect them sufficiently and follow the connection through to the end then it's fine.

The main issue here is that you're missing a conclusion. What happens after the interview? What is the Foundation's reaction to the shadow entity? What do they do to resolve or attempt to resolve the situation, and what implications does it have for the man and his wife? What happens in the end?

I'd like to see more about where the tattoo comes into this, and also more about what the shadow entity actually does. What are its reactions to the man and to the Foundation? What are its emotional reactions? Is it resentful of its situation, or grateful that it's no longer fully dead? Etc. What does it physically do to the man and why does that matter to the Foundation? Etc.

Hi!

Rewritten forum thread in the collapsible at the end of this message.

I have trimmed this as best I can; currently it stands at 368 words. The bolded italic sentences are too prose-y and need trimming but I'm unsure how to do it. They are quite surplus and probably could be replaced by describing the same scene in fewer words, rewording them, or removing them entirely to replace them with something else. The underlined sentence is an important plot point (the anomaly returning to the shadow) but could be trimmed if the sentences around it were. The bolded underlined sentence is your current conclusion but it's very weak and passive. If you want the ending to involve splitting the host and the entity and/or using necromancy, I would recommend having the Foundation take an active stance on this. Having the Foundation involved in the story means your readers aren't just watching time passing by.

I have two main concerns narratively. Number one is the tattoo. I don't think the tattoo is explained enough earlier on in the story and it feels very tacked on. Establishing it by explaining it as a result of the ritual, and, like, why it's even there at all would probably fix this. Additionally, it doesn't really mean anything. It grows when the host is sad, but so what? What's the actual connection between the entity and the tattoo, and what does the tattoo's growth mean to the host's relationship with the entity?

Number two is that there's no conclusion. The entity exists, the tattoo exists, they are connected. But so what? What is the Foundation's take on/reaction to this situation? What do they do to solve the problem? Imo you have three directions to choose from; either the Foundation attempts to fuse the anomaly with its host or they attempt to separate the anomaly from its host or they leave them as they are. All three of these options have different consequences to consider for the Foundation, the host, and the entity. Having the Foundation take an active stance in the conclusion is incredibly important in this case imo.

Overall, the premise is nice and the concept is set up pretty well. Establish an ending and make sure the ritual and the tattoo are adequately explained and this'll do really well.

Let me know when it's up on the forum if you want and I can take another look. :)

Seeking Greenlights: Yes

Page Type: SCP Article

Page Layout: Special Containment Procedure, Description, Addendum/Interview/Incident Report/Video Log

Elevator Pitch: A man's search for ways to revive his lover result in his wife become the entity hiding in his shadow.

Central Narrative: An incident happens in an apartment in Chicago, Illinois. Many tenants see a shadow entity lurking in the halls on the 5th floor. Upon investigation, the police ruled it out as hallucinations or crappy lights playing tricks on their minds.

The anomaly is an entity living in the shadow of a man living on the fifth floor. Tenants described the creature as having glowing golden eyes and smelling of rotten flesh especially in front of the door of Room 509.

The Foundation sends field agents, capturing the resident living in the Room 509.

They take the entity’s ‘host’ to the Foundation for further investigation. Upon interview, it is revealed that the host did a ritual on his deceased wife and it went wrong. The effects on him are disastrous and his wife became the entity that lives in his shadow. He swore that he'll do anything to bring his wife back to normal, alive and healthy.

The Foundation questions the host about the consequences of bringing back the dead which causes the anomaly to emerge. It growls as its skinless flesh reeks the scent of dead, rotting corpse left out under the hot sun, it’s exposed skull oozes out black tar-like substance and claws ready to shred the interviewer as if it’s protecting its ‘host’.

The host’s tattoo glows red and the anomaly threatens the interviewer while protecting its host. The creature nudges against the host behaving like the entity misses its host while letting out a noise that almost sound like a whimper similar to those wolves. The host reassures the entity that the host is fine to which the creature growls at the interviewer before it sunk back in the host’s shadow.

With the creature gone, the host explains that the entity is linked to him through the tattoo. The creature only comes out when the host displays negative emotions, with the tattoo increasing in size each time.

The host waits for years in confinement for the cure for his wife to become human again.

Hook/Attention-Grabber: A lamentable tale of lovers and the pursuit for the cure.

+ Squirreltoons

+ Doctor Atless

- Close

Hi!

I'm interested by the premise even though it sounds like it might end up a little cliche (you are utilising a very common trope, and there isn't enough information here to determine whether you will do anything interesting with it), but you really don't have much of a central narrative here, or indeed any at all.

The central narrative should show who your characters are and where you plan to take the story. Why use D-Class in particular? Are you planning on following one D-Class or multiple? Do we as readers get an opportunity to form an emotional connection to the D-Class; if so, what kind of connection and what does it lead to; if not, why not and what are you using that makes up for it?

Experiment logs are an interesting choice to use to display an exploration. What are the contents of the logs? Additionally, what do we find out about the anomaly during the exploration, what happens to the D-Class, and why does it make for a compelling story? Long exploration logs don't often make for successful articles because authors often use them to show off a setting without any meaningful or interesting interaction between the characters. That's not to say you can't write exploration logs, but, like with everything else in the SCP format, you will have to ensure that you're writing a story using a format rather than using surplus/contentless logs etc to make the article look cool.

What are the implications of the skip being a cause of nyctophobia? Why do the Foundation care about that, and what do they do with that information? Why should your readers care?

I also very much recommend against drafting before you've had ideas crit. It encourages you to stick to the idea in its current form rather than being open to edit and manipulate it into something better than it was.

The basic gist of my crit is that you need a story. Who are your characters? What's your conflict? What's your conclusion? Try mapping out your story using one sentence for each major plot point; it'll help you and your reviewers get a grasp of what your idea is and what direction it goes in, as well as showing us that you know what your idea is and what direction you want to take it.

+ Doctor Stark

- Close

Hello!

This is very much an example of a thing-that-does-a-thing. There's really nothing here beyond an object that might potentially do something cool, but even the anomalous affect in itself feels pointless because there's no context. I, as a reader and a critter, do not really care about what an SCP can and can't do; I care about what story you as an author can tell about this anomaly and what the Foundation think of it.

Some questions:
1) What is the point of this anomaly? How is it useful/interesting to your characters/the Foundation?
2) Who are your characters? Who interacts with the anomaly and what happens to them?
3) How do the Foundation interact with the anomaly? Remember the article is written from the Foundation's perspective; what do they think of it?
4) What are the major plot points in your story? At the very least you need a conflict and a conclusion; what goes wrong and how does it get resolved? If you write the plan for your story out in one sentence per plot point you'll be able to make a lot more sense of the direction it will take when you decide to draft it.
5) What do you find interesting about this? Why do you want to write about this in particular?

A couple more things that don't relate directly to your narrative:
1) I very much recommend against drafting before getting sufficient ideas crit/greenlights, especially when your work severely lacks everything beyond a basic description of the anomaly, because it encourages you, even subconsciously, to stick to what you have already written rather than editing it in accordance with any crit you may receive.
2) SCPs totally can be short but it is very hard to write something that will work in a successful manner when you are restricted to a small number of words. Plan your article first and then write; it'll be however long it is.
3) Test logs, like other formats, do not exist (solely) to make the article look cool. Everything you write in an SCP should have a purpose, usually to move the narrative forwards. Don't include surplus logs or interviews etc; they aren't worth it.
4) You don't seem to be a member of the Sandbox. While having a backup of your drafts in a local area (e.g. MS Word or Google Docs) is good, Sandboxes are the best place to keep your draft because, among other reasons, they use Wikidot formatting and syntax. You can become a member of the Sandbox wiki by going to #site17 in the IRC chat and asking for an invite.
5) Read as many recent SCPs (and other works onsite) as you can. IRC, the accouncements forum, and the random SCP button are good for this, and reading more material similar to things you may be writing in the future will help you better understand how your skip will work in practice. Skips aren't descriptions of objects anymore; they're stories disguised as scientific reports.

Overall, what you really need is a narrative. What story are you trying to tell either about or while utilising this anomaly? Do some brainstorming.

Good luck. Please don't be afraid to contact me in the IRC or by Wikidot PM if you have a better idea of where you want to take this concept.

+ EclipsedShadowK/Shade

- Close

Clinical tone is not great in places, mostly because your sentences are too long.

Conprocs are pretty tight. (Need an LBL clean-up to make the sentences are concise but the actual content is good.)

In your archived conprocs you mention two harpsicords and a violin but in your current conprocs it's the other way around.

Your description doesn't do very much to hold my attention (because it's long as all fuck). If it's basic information and/or followed up later on, keep the information but trim it down; if it isn't relevant to this article, probably remove it.

Number your addenda. "Addendum.XXXX.1", etc.

I don't like the abbreviations of Fox's name in the interviews. Typically interviews would just have "Dr Roth-Dayrit" or something similar as markers. Same with Danniell (the abbrieviation for Researcher is "Rs" or similar).

I don't really understand the Foundation's motive to investigate Mozart's death? Obviously it's a huge part of your article so you can't and shouldn't remove it, but you should perhaps provide a reason as to why it's important the Foundation find out about Mozart's death.

Having the rumour in an addendum is surplus because it's mentioned in an interview later on.

I'm torn here because I like the foreword of this interview but I really don't recommend blackboxing the SCP's number. On the other hand, crosslinking a (preferably newer) skip and justifying why that skip attacked SCP-XXXX specifically might skew the narrative focus. Why is it important that Celeri was attacked?

(You also need to add -A/-B designations to the interviews so we know which skip is talking before it's gathered from context.)

Fox seems like a completely different character in their second interview compared to the first. They're much more blunt in parts of the second interview, which I think is good, but it means they lack consistency in their characterisation in places. Also remember that while the Foundation aren't cruel, they are cold; unless Fox has a reason to be overly kind to Celeri, it seems false, especially since their tone changes a lot. Pick their tone and stick to it, regardless of what it is.

It's a matter of personal preference, but actions in interviews look better in between the lines of dialogue. I also think you have too many stage directions; most of the dialogue tone and a lot of actions can and should be inferred just from reading the dialogue. I also recommend italicising the action blocks because it makes them stand out from the rest of the dialogue.

I feel like the footnote about Fox forgetting who commissioned Mozart to a requiem is unnecessary.

You have an action not in brackets in the third interview, and an inconsistency in that action (Mozzarella was not previously restrained but is in the action).

The jump between the interview with Mozzarella and the addendum immediately afterwards feels too steep a jump in the narrative. A proposal to contain the skips together with details as to why that would be a good solution to their problems would work better here. I feel like this addendum is telling us the conclusion rather than showing us and it feels wrong. There's nothing wrong with describing briefly what happens after the skips are contained together but there's no build up or context in that addendum.

Remove the blackboxes in the last addendum. The last addendum is also kind of out-of-place and I don't understand how it adds to the story (unless you intend to move it further up the article?)

Overall, I love it. Seriously. You have a full, in-depth narrative arc, your characters are wonderful. There's some (mostly minor) issues with consistency, clinical tone, and SPaG, but honestly the actual story is really great.

+ chaucer345

+ JacobWaller

- Close

LBL

SCP-XXXX is a green one-liter glass bottle filled with what is presumably cooking oil.

Not clinical tone. "SCP-XXXX is a green one-liter glass bottle filled with an unknown liquid." would work, since you have the footnote. You could also put the footnote in the main Description text.

There are no signs of tearing or damage on any part of the bottle including the label..

Remove one of the full stops/periods from the end of this sentence.

A human that observes SCP-XXXX using seemingly any sensory apparatus will start to secrete anomalous oil. Besides its anomalous properties, the oil appears entirely identical to regular human sebum.

"A human that observes SCP-XXXX will begin to secrete anomalous oil. Besides its anomalous properties, this oil is identical to human sebum."

When an entity is put under the effects of SCP-XXXX, the entity will float to the sky and see both SCP-XXXX-1 as well as a "hole in the sky".

Doesn't feel clinical, not sure how to fix it.

On the other side of this hole, there presumably a replica of the world composed of colors that do not resemble any known hue.

"On the other side of the hole, there is a replica of the world composed of colors that do not resemble any known hue."

The full extent of this replica is unknown, or whether it is even a true replica of the world, to begin with.

"The full extent of this replica is unknown." (You can also put this in the main text rather than a footnote if you want.)

At this point, the entity will then supposedly float into this hole, where all GPS and audio devices will abruptly shut off.

"The entity floats into the hole and all GPS and audio connections are terminated."

There have been two recorded instances of SCP-XXXX-1, both heard about 4,300 meters above sea level via audio equipment on D-class. See Incident XXXX-1 and Experiment 5.

"There have been two recorded instances of SCP-XXXX-1. See Incident XXXX-1 and Experiment 5." (SCP-XXXX-1 is the voice, right? I think the event would be SCP-XXXX-2?)

SCP-XXXX was first discovered after 24 persons had reported missing

"SCP-XXXX was first discovered after 24 persons were reported missing"

Local law enforcement assigned to investigate their last known location mysteriously went missing as well.

This seems irrelevant; they would likely be included in the total number of missing people. It also isn't in clinical tone.

Multiple field personnel

Make up a mobile task force. (Especially since you mention them later on too.)

Several items were discovered on the ground

"Several items were discovered at the scene"

Most objects were found broken at the investigation site, except for a brandless bottle of oil that stood upright on the ground.

This seems irrelevant.

6 days after the investigation, when it rained, a large number of Foundation personnel were seen floating through the roof of Site-28 and into the sky.

Remove "when it rained". Is the roof open? "large number" isn't really clinical tone, maybe specify the number?

Site-28 was put into lockdown immediately.

Kind of out of place. Doesn't feel clinical.

It was discovered that all personnel who had floated into the sky had indirect contact with the personnel involved with the examination

"It was discovered that all personnel who had floated into the sky had previously had indirect contact with the personnel involved with the examination" (also did you mean "direct contact"?)

video drones were sent to examine the location.

"video drones were dispatched to examine the location."

The drones captured nothing unordinary except for the brandless bottle of oil.

This is already implied.

16 days after the investigation, the Foundation members involved with the examination were seen floating through the rain along with many other personnel. The incident once again traced back to the individuals who had seen the bottle of oil.

This is basically just repetition from the previous paragraph.

MTF personnel were sent to ██████ Park with blindfolds to retrieve SCP-XXXX.

Name the task force. This sentence (specifically "with blindfolds") feels non-clinical.

SCP-XXXX was successfully placed in a safe and contained in a small room at Site-28.

This is already implied in your conprocs. You can just say that it was contained successfully, or you can remove this sentence entirely.

total sensory deprivation was standardized when handling SCP-XXXX.

"total sensory deprivation is standard when handling SCP-XXXX."

The phone was lacked a phone case, and no traces of oil were found on the phone.

"The phone lacked a phone case, and no traces of oil were found on the phone." (Why is it relevant that the phone has no phone case?)

DON'T LET ANYONE TO THIS PARK.

"DON'T LET ANYONE IN THIS PARK."

The local police center and families of missing persons were told that the missing persons had gone insane and their bodies were found in an unrecoverable form.

Remove the part about them going insane. What do you mean by "unrecoverable"?

D-4562 turned to exit the room, when her elbow accidentally and unknowingly pushed against the safe which contained SCP-XXXX and caused it to rotate. The rotation of the safe was less than 0.5 degrees.

"D-4562 turned to exit the room when her elbow accidentally and unknowingly pushed against the safe which contained SCP-XXXX and caused it to rotate less than 0.5 degrees."

Foundation personnel:

Give them a name.

It is yet unknown why D-2641 experienced anomalous effects despite not directly interacting with SCP-XXXX.

I don't like this. It provides an exception to the rule. I feel like you were trying to write a "we don't know the extent of its effect" but it doesn't come off that way.

It was concluded that SCP-XXXX’s effects are not range dependent, but sensory dependent.

I'm confused. You said they looked at it and then isolated but nothing happened, whereas previously you said other D-Class look at it and it does affect them even if they isolate. Same goes for the second experiment log; it's contradictory to prior information.

D-3264 was instructed to open the safe of SCP-XXXX

"D-3264 was instructed to open the safe containing SCP-XXXX"

Following incident XXXX-1, D-9837 was was rigged with live audio and video equipment

"Following Incident XXXX-1, D-9837 was rigged with live audio and video equipment"

You can not? Is it a being? What is its appearance?

"You can't? Is it a being? What does it look like?" (Colloquial speech is fine in transcripts.)

Drone chemical analysis shows that there were no discrepancies within the air around SCP-XXXX-1.

Why is this relevant?

and given both digital and film cameras as well as a digital notepad.

"and was provided with both digital and film cameras as well as a digital notepad."

D-6578 was to wear gloves

"D-6578 wore gloves"

Overall

Overall, I like that the concept goes beyond "lol trollface meme". I feel like it's very repetitive in places and needs a lot of cutting down, and the ending is made less satisfying than it could be because of the repetition of the concluding scenario. It's fine to have the Foundation axe testing because it isn't going anywhere, but as a story there's a lot of words and not a lot of content.

Don't blackbox places/dates/names/etc. Make up a date; make up a place, or use a real one. Names are slightly different but that's kind of irrelevant here. More about blackboxing here: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/avoid-the-blackbox

A lot of the information in the discovery and retrieval section is repeated. Definitely trim it down.

Consistency between "Class D" and "D-Class". Pick one and use it throughout.

In Incident XXXX-1 (including the audio log) the D-Class designations change. You mention 4562 and 2231 in the block text and 2641 in the audio log but they don't seem to connect?

In your audio log, use square brackets for your italicised text.

Maybe introduce SCP-XXXX-1 earlier on in the audio log?

A couple lines into your second audio log you stop bolding the colons.

EDIT: sensory deprivation is 1) hard to fully achieve and 2) literal torture in some cases. It might be worth defining exactly what sensory deprivation entails in your story.

+ DrLerche

+ Mew-Itiverse 𓆏

- Close

Weclome, Agent.

"Welcome, Agent."

Potissimi

Needs a footnote with the definition.

This works by inserting an SCP-XXXX instance into a person’s ear canal for one minute.

Feels non-clinical. Also logistically complicated?

When an SCP-XXXX instance is uploaded to a computer, a file of the person’s name will appear on the desktop.

Lack of clinical tone.

It has been determined that each instance can store two individual’s worth of memories.

Janky. Should be "two individuals" but also the wording is off. Two individuals worth of what? Could be changed to "can store the memories of up to two individuals" or similar.

Please login below as an extra measure of security.

Feels too long and also unnecessary? But I'm really torn on it so it's up to you whether you keep it or not. I think a title is needed there to separate the paragraphs but the current wording isn't great.

Currently, all sixteen SCP-XXXX instances have been used to preserve the memories of the O-5 council, members of Project Restore, and other chosen staff members of high priority.

"All sixteen SCP-XXXX instances have been used to preserve the memories of the O5 council, members of Project Restore, and other chosen staff members of high priority."

I like that the conprocs are at the end but I was initally confused so it might be that people just don't get the format screw. It also feels like the start of a narrative rather than a whole arc, but it's short and it implies what you want it to imply so it works. Couple issues with wording and tone as above, but no huge narrative issues.

world wide

"worldwide"

Each instance has been held in a secure location

"Each instance is held in a secure location"

Only the previously mentioned site directors and members of the O5-Council are to know of the existence of SCP-XXXX and SCP-XXXX-1 until concrete safety procedures are put in place, and the creation process is determined to be finished.

"Only the previously-mentioned Site Directors and members of the O5 Council are to know of the existence of SCP-XXXX and SCP-XXXX-1 until concrete safety procedures are put in place and the creation process is determined to be finished."

Efforts to back up more Foundation personnel, and eventually a substantial portion of the human population once a stable plan is in place is ongoing.

"Efforts to back up more Foundation personnel, and eventually a substantial portion of the human population, once a stable plan is in place are ongoing."

used to create copies of the O5 council

"used to create copies of the O5 Council"

SCP-XXXX-1 consists of seventeen modified computers

Why seventeen when there are sixteen hard drives?

SCP-XXXX-1 instances are capable of immediate opening each file

"SCP-XXXX-1 instances are capable of immediately opening each file"

Additionally, each instance can connect to a universal Foundation intranet allowing uploaded person to traverse a digital landscape, and interact with other uploaded persons.

"Additionally, each instance can connect to a universal Foundation intranet, allowing uploaded persons to traverse a digital landscape and interact with other uploaded persons."

Site directors have been informed that they must choose 4 people to back up.

"Site Directors have been informed that they must choose four people to back up."

Not all my friends, not my enemies, my family died a long time ago, not everyone will.

"Not all my friends, not my enemies. My family died a long time ago. Not everyone will."

some people were at a point in their life

"some people are at a point in their life"

people like me who don’t have guaranteed survival

You said previously that all the O5s are guaranteed survival.

what those site directors are doing…

"what those Site Directors are doing…"

Walter Becker, O5-2

Is this a canon character, or your interpretation of O5-2? My headcanon is that they don't know each other's names and I can't see a reason for it here? Obviously headcanons differ, but it seems strange to have them sign their actual name.

19:14 <%Mew-ltiverse> > Why seventeen when there are sixteen hard drives?
19:14 <%Mew-ltiverse> because one computer holds already backed up people
19:14 <TawnyOwlJones> 👍
19:15 <%Mew-ltiverse> > people like me who don’t have guaranteed survival
19:15 <%Mew-ltiverse> I suppose I should rephrase this
19:15 <%Mew-ltiverse> its meant to mean "people with my will to survive, but without my guaranteed survival"
19:16 <TawnyOwlJones> ah okay
19:16 <TawnyOwlJones> yeah, i think rephrase it
19:17 <%Mew-ltiverse> as for the last question, its the end of the world where everyone is affected by lilys proposal I felt things would be a tad more personal
19:17 <%Mew-ltiverse> and this is just my interpretation
19:17 <TawnyOwlJones> fair enough :)
19:17 <TawnyOwlJones> just for me personally it felt a bit weird? it's not something i've seen before
19:21 <%Mew-ltiverse> TawnyOwlJones: fair
19:21 <%Mew-ltiverse> sorry I was putting in the grammar changes
19:21 <%Mew-ltiverse> what was your overall opinion?
19:29 <TawnyOwlJones> Mew-ltiverse: I enjoyed reading it but it didn't have the impact that the previous draft did (i don't have access to the previous draft so this is just from memory). unlike the previous draft, it is a full narrative arc, but it falls kind of flat? Putting a paragraph break between "But not everyone will go down without a fight." and "Statistically,
19:29 <TawnyOwlJones> some people are at a point in their life…" might sort that because it might be a pacing thing.
19:29 <%Mew-ltiverse> hm, do you have any suggestions to fix that?
19:30 <TawnyOwlJones> put the paragraph break in and i'll reload the page
19:30 <%Mew-ltiverse> I did
19:32 <TawnyOwlJones> i think it was a pacing thing
19:32 <TawnyOwlJones> it seems better now
19:32 <TawnyOwlJones> one second, i'll read the whole thing again
19:32 <%Mew-ltiverse> aight, thats good, I do feel some of the wording needs more punch
19:33 <%Mew-ltiverse> but I'm unsure exactly what to do
19:33 <TawnyOwlJones> yeah, it's better than it was
19:33 <TawnyOwlJones> i agree the wording is a bit weird
19:33 <%Mew-ltiverse> nice, and yeah I want to work on the wording a bit
19:34 <TawnyOwlJones> i don't know how to fix it either, sorry
19:34 <%Mew-ltiverse> I wrote the most recent draft of the letter when my head was killing me rip
19:34 <TawnyOwlJones> RIP
19:34 <%Mew-ltiverse> ill work on it, thank you for your help
19:34 <TawnyOwlJones> i think the letter is okay tbh, but there's quite a large shift in tone that's difficult to get right
19:34 <TawnyOwlJones> no problem!

ite Directors

"Site Directors"

Not everyone will. And its impossible that they're all just okay with it.

Put this in the previous paragraph.

Maybe have the whole file be L4 and the letter be L5?

+ Marcelles_Raynes/Mars εїз

+ Zyn εїз

- Close

[δ-level documentation access]

What does this mean?

100 officially designated SCP anomalies.

"100 officially-designated SCP anomalies."

(designated across five access tiers)

Oh, this is what the thing after the Item # was. I think it would benefit from seeing what information each tier contains, otherwise it's just a surplus detail. The actual wording of this sentence is also strange because the brackets break the pacing, and maybe including the information elsewhere or throughout the document would make it more coherent.

successfully maintained care of an SCP-6000-2 instance for sequential decades.

It might be worth specifying how many sequential decades? "Sequential" here means the same thing as "consecutive" I think, so having a specified number would make sense.

designated by O5 Councilmember consensus.

Had to google this one because it registered in my head as a SPaG error. "Councilmember" is a word, but seems to be more commonly written as "Council member".

prior to the planting of any SCP-6000-1.

"prior to the planting of any SCP-6000-1 instance." might be better wording? It's a bit abrupt otherwise.

Objects made of iron

"Objects composed of iron" or "Objects constructed from iron" or "Objects containing iron" might work better? I don't know if I'm making it overly clinical; it just didn't quite fit the first time I read it?

SCP-6000-2 instances are to be ideally contained underground

"SCP-6000-2 instances are ideally to be contained underground" works better I think. Just kinda clunky wording.

As of the year 2020

"As of 2020" or "As of [SPECIFIC DATE]". 2020 being a year is already implied.

the 12 largest Foundation facilities worldwide each host one SCP-6000-2 instance that has exceeded 50 years of age

"host" seems a little like it's invited? It's not a major issue, and I'm not entirely sure what would work as a replacement, but maybe something to keep in mind.

when in close proximity to other SCP-6000-1 and SCP-6000-2 instances

Since SCP-6000-1 and -2 are collectively referred to as SCP-6000, it might make more sense here to use "SCP-6000" rather than both -1 and -2. It also might make more sense to just reference SCP-6000-1 here? Unless it's particularly relevant that -1 also produces light in close proximity to -2. You also don't further reference SCP-6000-1's anomalous effect, but I'm still left thinking about it. Maybe reference it later on?

Thus far the noted variations between SCP-6000-2 instances

Remove "Thus far".

their non-anomalous species counterparts

Is "species" necessary? It breaks the flow of the sentence. "non-anomalous counterparts" would be better.

SCP-6000-2 possess extremely heightened longevity.

"SCP-6000-2 possess extremely-heightened longevity."

SCP-6000-2 appear to grow into increasingly warped and irregular forms as they age

"SCP-6000-2 grow into increasingly warped and irregular forms as they age". I don't like to be the person who sticks too harshly to the writing rules but "appears" in an article throws me off.

SCP-6000-2 do not produce seeds or flowers.

Where does SCP-6000-1 originate from?

The area of effect for this attribute scales up

"Increases" instead of "scales up"?

(wilting, discoloration, decay)

Use footnotes. Same goes for "(most commonly plastics and chemical pesticides)".

SCP-6000-2 grant positive effects to individuals that they recognize as caretakers

Move the footnote to after "caretakers". Currently it breaks the flow of the sentence because the footnote is so long.

(See Addendum.)

A specific addendum? Either specify which addendum, or use "addenda" instead.

and assigned Sites

The link here isn't really needed. If it led to a specific site dossier or a Hub about the assigned Sites specifically then it would be better but currently it's out of place and would be better removed entirely.

indicated the presence of partially decayed organic matter.

"indicated the presence of partially-decayed organic matter"

respond best to handmade or naturally produced nutrient additives

"respond best to handmade or naturally-produced nutrient additives"

particularly gifted in learning new languages extremely quickly

Not super clinical. "particularly gifted" and "extremely quickly" imply adjacent things and it clashes. Changing "extremely quickly" to a more clinical phrase might fix this.

(Tentative)

Is this an author's note or part of the skip?

However, recent observations indicated fewer poaching attempts

Remove "However".

(flies, beetle larvae, etc.)

Footnote.

However, pests approaching SCP-6000-2AG abruptly lose sense of direction

Remove "However".

SCP-6000-2C

This isn't mentioned prior to the SCP-6000-2C-α's addendum. Perhaps a footnote or similar detailing what it is would put it in context.

One of two cuttings in the first recorded successful human-initiated propagation of SCP-6000-2.

This reads like a sentence fragment. It doesn't feel "Foundation".

should a Way entry properly manifest

This sort of implies that a Way entry has improperly manifested? Removing "properly" would be beneficial here if that isn't what you meant.

SCP-6000-2C-β has introduced additional anomalies into its enclosure.

"introduced" implies invitation, rather than creation.

if left atop freshly turned earth

"if left atop freshly-turned earth"

Per O5 majority (non-unanimous) vote

"Per a non-unanimous O5 majority". Is it particularly important that it's non-unanimous?

various tentatively allied Groups of Interest

"various tentatively-allied Groups of Interest"

progression of other GOIs’ SCP-6000-2 instances.

"Group of Interest" is shortened to "GoI" but you don't shorten it anywhere else? Be consistent.

positive consequences for all groups regardless of existing alliances.

"positive consequences for all groups, regardless of existing alliances."

21:28 <Zyn> thanks! have some time to go through these with me?
21:28 <TawnyOwlJones> yeah, of course! did you also want me to provide overall thoughts?
21:29 <Zyn> if you like!
21:30 <TawnyOwlJones> okay! i'll just be afk for one moment, feel free to start asking questions
21:30 <Zyn> first two: the level is a nod to the later note in the containment about 5 access tiers. I'll add "tier" to the heading to make it clearer.
21:30 <Zyn> regarding the hyphenation of ly adverbs as far as I can tell, doesn't need it? https://www.merriam-webster.com/words-at-play/6-common-hypercorrections-and-how-to-avoid-them/hyphenating-ly-adverbs
Hypercorrections: Are you making these 6 common mistakes? : Hyphenating '-ly' adverbs
When your 'correction' is incorrect
21:31 <Zyn> I used to make the same correction myself until someone let me know
21:31 <TawnyOwlJones> hello i have returned
21:31 <Zyn> I don't want to have additional information about each tier because that defeats the purpose of having the classification of the tiers. But if other reviewers bring it up I'll see about adding more.
21:32 <TawnyOwlJones> yeah, i noted that later on. i didn't know about the adverbs actually, that's interesting
21:32 <Zyn> will edit to "three consecutive decades"
21:33 <TawnyOwlJones> i think… hmm. not including the information in the tiers directly is good, but maybe just alluding more to why it's in tiers at all would be beneficial?
21:34 <Zyn> is it unclear that the information shouldn't be readily available to most Foundation personnel?
21:35 <TawnyOwlJones> it's more that i was uncertain which security clearance level this document is open to, or whether it was an entirely different system altogether
21:35 <TawnyOwlJones> i presumed it was Level 4 or 5, but only because it's a 6k and not because of the information in the article
21:38 <Zyn> it's a different system altogether
21:38 <TawnyOwlJones> ah, okay
21:38 <TawnyOwlJones> then i stand by it needing context
21:38 <Zyn> basically indicating that just because someone is Level-5 does not necessarily mean they are trusted to care for a baby World Tree.
21:39 <Zyn> Hmm. can add footnote
21:39 <TawnyOwlJones> that makes sense, yeah
21:39 <TawnyOwlJones> footnote would be good
21:39 <Zyn> I'm going to keep a few things for stylistic reasons unless more reviewers suggest otherwise— "Councilmember" is one
21:40 <TawnyOwlJones> i mean crit is just suggestions; it's up to you what you use and don't use :)
21:40 <Zyn> the bit about SCP-6000 versus -1 and -2 is because yes, particularly relevant. The Foundation is using the seeds to find existing baby World Trees and taking them from civilians.
21:40 <Zyn> 6000-1 instances as far as the Foundation knows, were handed out by the SH.
21:41 <TawnyOwlJones> oh!
21:41 <TawnyOwlJones> yeah
21:42 <Zyn> good catch on the "appears to be", I used to get on people's cases for that all time time. Please continue to correct that haha
21:42 <TawnyOwlJones> okay
21:42 <Zyn> it's in one of the guides too
21:42 <TawnyOwlJones> "appears" is my nemisis
21:43 <TawnyOwlJones> i know! i was like "this is in the guides. but wait; is it a cool "break the writing rules" thing??????????"
21:49 <Zyn> yeah, it's one of the biggest misconceptions
21:49 <Zyn> used to be rigorously called out in previous years but I guess the guide's gotten old
21:49 <Zyn> SCP-6000-2C is the first image on the page
21:49 <Zyn> has caption
21:50 <TawnyOwlJones> ah yes, i missed the image when i was reading back up looking for the reference to it. apologies
21:51 <Zyn> the "This reads like a sentence fragment. It doesn't feel "Foundation"." I'm going to keep as is— the previous sentence is also a fragment.
21:52 <TawnyOwlJones> that's reasonable. I picked on that sentence rather than the previous one because it felt more like a fragment
21:53 <Zyn> the bit about the O5 vote being non-unanimous is important—not everyone agrees that letting Foundation enemies cultivate world trees is a good thing
21:54 <Zyn> wait.
21:54 <Zyn> wrong section
21:54 <Zyn> wait no.
21:54 <Zyn> maybe right section lol
21:54 <TawnyOwlJones> i presumed that's what it was but wanted to clarify. what do you think of the wording?
21:54 <TawnyOwlJones> lol
21:54 <Zyn> yeah, it's the bit about surrendering the most powerful world tree sapling to SH care
21:55 <Zyn> I changed it to "Per a non-unanimous O5 majority vote"
21:55 <TawnyOwlJones> 👍 cool

22:09 <TawnyOwlJones> Overall, I loved it. It was interesting and held my attention pretty well. There were some parts earlier on where I thought it might be dragging a little but I think I was just distracted by chat. As I've noted in the LBL, there were minor things that didn't really follow through that I got stuck on (which you have now clarified), but the actual
22:09 <TawnyOwlJones> story was really engaging. I don't know much about plants but I have been inspired to appreciate them even more than I currently do. Definite mainsite +1.

+ DrLerche

- Close

All Iterations

ghoul

I'm not sure the footnote is needed here?

Containmnent Team

"Containment Team"

which are chased away.

Remove.

SCP-XXXX you are to be taken back into Foundation custody.

"SCP-XXXX, you are to be taken back into Foundation custody."

Tab 1

Beta-7 - 24

Is there intentionally a space between 7 and 24 here? It's written as "Beta-7-24" elsewhere.

Personnel lower weapons.

Has a full stop/period on the end when the previous "stage direction" doesn't.

SCP-XXXX we are authorised to bring you into custody.

"We are authorised to bring you into custody."

Thanks to me, I know where your quarry is.

This wording is clunky and I'm not entirely sure what it means?

Agent Greyland informs HQ

Move to the line above.

Also, I know the location now

Needs a speech marker before it to note that it's SCP-XXXX who is speaking.

Stares at Greyland and sighs

Move to the line above.

Tab 2

Headcam footage of operatives is relayed to Team Commander, and HQ.

"Headcam footage of operatives is relayed to Team Commander and HQ."

CHAACs

Needs a footnote unless clarified earlier.

(Pauses)

Move to the line above.

Personnel keep their weapons trained.

"Personnel keep their weapons trained on SCP-XXXX."

Our only task is to capture you SCP-XXXX, so-

"Our only task is to capture you, so-"

SCP-XXXX:Also,

Needs a space between the colon and "Also,"

Stares at T-15-1 and sighs

Move to the line above.

Tab 3

The video log isn't in the collapsible as with the other two tabs.

"We underestimated him. The more we try to contain him, the more and more people we will inadvertently kill! Leave it, Sir. He won, and he made sure we can't play the game again."

Is this an author's note? It doesn't really fit in here, but might fit in elsewhere in the skip.

Mobile Task Force Tau-5

You say Tau-15 in the addendum above.

Tau 5 approaches the farmhouse.

"Tau-5 approaches the farmhouse."

CHAACs

Needs a footnote unless clarified earlier.

We have weapons capable of taking you out.

"We have weapons capable of incapicitating you."

SCP-XXXX ple-

"SCP-XXXX, ple-"

Your name. Sir.

"Your name, Sir."

Personnel keep their weapons trained.

"Personnel keep their weapons trained on SCP-XXXX."

SCP-XXXX we are authorised to capture you.

"SCP-XXXX, we are authorised to capture you."

T-5 Iranku informs HQ

Move to the line above. Also maybe note here what Iranku is informing HQ of?

Also, I know the location now

Needs a speech marker before it to note that it's SCP-XXXX who is speaking.

It will be best for everyone if you are.

"It will be best for everyone if you are-"

Speaks into radio

Move to the line above.

The following is a quote from Research Narendran after learning of the incident during a meeting with the O-5.

Is this where the quote from the beginning is supposed to be?

I mean they're all virtually the same bar the characters. I prefer the ending of the third one and I like the interaction between the Agents in the third one.

+ ChaosMageX

- Close

Hi!

I've left a fairly-loose LBL of your draft in the collapsible. The subject matter is honestly good, and it is still the same idea I critted in the ideas forum. My main concern is that the conprocs, description, and addendum are all build-up to the story. I don't think they have enough meat in them to be able to stand alone on the mainsite because they allude to a lot but it doesn't get resolved or followed through until the incident log. It's entirely up to you whether you choose to post for 6k or not; you can always edit and repost later if you want to. I'm about to go through the incident log now, and I'll get back to you if/when I find a way to trim it down.

Level 3 or higher Researcher

"researcher with Level 3 or higher clearance"

Analgesics

Should be in lower case. Also "painkillers" is one word.

Your links to the UIU and Three Portlands hubs and to SCP-3577 and -4000 lead to Sandbox URLs and you need to redirect them to the mainsite.

both contained and employed

Are the Foundation employing SCP-XXXX-B instances who were already SCP-XXXX-B instances prior to their employment? I've always found that to be a cliche.

Move Footnote 4 to after "Chordata".

during and after Incident-XXXX-1

Why is this bolded? (Same applies to "Therianthropes" and "Theriocephaly")

Remove Footnote 5. It's non-clinical and tells us information we don't need to know yet.

take on a template of part of that

Remove the italics in all instances of "template".

SCP-XXXX-B instances are Theriantropes

"Therianthropes" is the correct spelling.

SCP-XXXX-B instances are Theriantropes, polymorphic entities with the ability to shape-shift:

Switch these sentences around. e.g.: "SCP-XXXX-B instances are polymorphic entities with the ability to shape-shift, hereby referred to as therianthropes." The explanation of what therianthropy is is needed here but I'm unsure how to phrase it.

However, humans that become infected with SCP-XXXX can never return to their original non-anomalous human form.

"Humans that become infected with SCP-XXXX cannot return to their original non-anomalous human form."

with investigations their possible application to create specialized MTFs and field agents

Missing a word between "investigations" and "their"

The Feral Form section in its entirety is a bit lacking in clinical tone.

The only time it becomes apparent that this is an SCP-XXXX-B instance

"The only time it becomes apparent that it is an SCP-XXXX-B instance"

ATTENTION: The details of Incident-XXXX-1 are currently sealed under the order of the O5 Council. Only Level 4 or higher Researchers may access them.

This would be more obvious if it was in a banner.

Hi!

I saw you added more to your skip. I've read through Incident Logs A and B so far and honestly there isn't much worth cutting out.

You might be able to cut out a decent chunk of Incident Log B because a lot of it is repeated from Incident Log A. Even though it's from a different perspective, you don't need to show everything Ace logs, particularly when your readers already know it. I would suggest trimming right before Belette shows up, along with everything it says and they say about it, but I'm unsure where to stop trimming. Perhaps at "Sandy brightens up"? There's some content before then that's relevant (like the sounds outside, maybe?) but most of it is repeated from a different perspective. It's difficult to discern because it's all interesting and the repeated information provides context, and also it's so woven together it's impossible to separate.

I will keep reading it and get back to you. How close is it to being finished? If it was finished, I would honestly say to post it for 6k, but if there's still a lot left to write then it might be worth it to take the time rather than rushing to meet the deadline. At any rate, I don't recommend cutting out the incident logs and posting just the conprocs, description, and addendum; it leaves out a lot of the context and action, and also contains things that are alluded to but wouldn't be followed through without the incident logs.

Also the poem is coded weirdly at the moment; the second half of it isn't visible. If you are going to post for 6k, I think leaving the poem at the top would work better, even though it doesn't have the same effect.

If you're not posting for 6k, please let me know (for time management reasons). Good luck, regardless.

You're more than welcome for the crit; I am thoroughly enjoying reading your skip.

The poem currently looks like this: https://imgur.com/a/S3MbaBE and scrolling down doesn't show the rest of the poem. I'm using Firefox on my laptop for reference.

I would die for illustrations in this skip (although photos are more advised than drawings), but I do agree with you that people might downvote it upon seeing it has furries (they didn't with 1471 though??). Get your upvotes first and then add pictures I think.

So the details for posting SCPs in general are in the Posting tab of How To Write An SCP. If you go to 17, you'll probably be directed towards the Contribute page, but I find that using the instructions from the Contest Hub is probably easier. Direct yourself to scp-wiki.wikidot.com/6000contestchaosmagex and create the page. Change the title to "SCP-6000 - [YOUR TITLE]". Follow the rest of the instructions in the Posting tab. Then when you've posted, add the 6000 tag to the page, and then go into the Discussion page at the bottom and add a comment titled "Author Post" or similar with your crit attribution and top five slot selections (excluding 6000) along with whatever else you want to say about your skip. The information on how to add images is in How To Write An SCP, but I've never done it before so I can't elaborate unfortunately (ask in 17).

I've critted to the end of the incident logs and am going to do the interview logs this evening. My hot take of the afternoon is to cut out the interview logs, because the end of the incident logs is a good ending in itself, but I haven't read them yet and obviously it's up to you.

LBLed a bit (see below). Haven't done all of it. If you'd like me to go back and SPaG check the earlier parts I'd be more than happy to do that.

I'll bet you Jailers hate that have to set Therianthropes free.

"I'll bet you Jailers hate that you have to set Therianthropes free."

Footnotes go after punctuation when at the end of a sentence or clause.

[REPETITIVE DATA EXPUNGED. NO CONVERSATION.]

Change "repetitive" to "irrelevant"?

Bard: What did you do to Ace?!

Should be written as "Bardolph".

Bard may be in the closest

Did you mean "closet"?

Ace pants, drops the rock and sighs.

"Ace pants, drops the rock, and sighs."

Hollow hole snaps shut and disappears

"The hollow hole snaps shut and disappears"

Wolf turns his head to look

"Bardolph turns his head to look"

Canis lupis, the Gray Wolf.

"Canis lupus, the Gray Wolf."

Her whittling slows, her ears prick back up and her expression relaxes.

"Her whittling slows, her ears prick back up, and her expression relaxes."

take my advise

"take my advice"

Evelynn: Luckily, the seams are already strained from my Feral Form.

Remove.

Evelynn: Ugh, it's a good thing I'm not filming this part.

Isn't she? Surely if the log exists then it's being filmed. Or does this part just mean it's offscreen?

Vines grow out of the ground and over her shoulder, wrapping around her muzzle.

"Vines grow out of the ground and over Sandra's shoulder, wrapping around her muzzle."

(//Belette_Le_Fou(ine) looks up at CGR-05 with fury. CGR-05 fires another round. It screams./)

Missing / to make it italicised.

Belette_Le_Fou(ine) ahakily stands and levitates after him.

"Belette_Le_Fou(ine) shakily stands and levitates after him."

…

What's with the ellipses on this line and the one two lines later?

(Cackling.)

Move to previous line as "Belette_Le_Fou(ine) cackles."

piece of metal with a clothe wrapped around it

"piece of metal with a cloth wrapped around it"

The clothe unravels mid-air

"The cloth unravels mid-air"

It's not necessary but I think that unless there's an in-universe reason not to, it would be cool to have the hume readings displaying when Belette_Le_Fou(ine) is dying. It would increase the pacing too.

the government is going to hall me away to a lab somewhere

"the government is going to haul me away to a lab somewhere"

Compass' north and south poles

"The compass' North and South poles"

Benson

Their introduction is pretty abrupt, and it might be worth having a line in the italics before that more heavily implies they are one of the guards as a form of introduction.

Benson gestures towards the still burning battery fire.

"Benson gestures towards the still-burning battery fire."

Combination reply for the two messages you sent most recently:

I thought so. You don't really need to make it more apparent, it was a minor issue, but if you figure out a way to make it more apparent then maybe do? Up to you, really.

Even just writing "[pause]" would work better. Though at that point, it isn't really necessary for them to pause and you can probably remove the pauses entirely?

Not many people on the wiki watch offsite stuff, or Series 1 stuff. Benson totally works as a character, but you need a line somewhere to introduce him regardless of whether he's an existing offsite character or not.

The, errr, 200,000 character limit sucks. I asked in 17 and unfortunately it also extends to the mainsite (so you can't create another sandbox and paste them both into the page creator because it would exceed the limit on the mainsite too). On the other hand, the current longest skip is SCP-1730, at 175,253 characters, so if "longest skip" and "outdoing djkaktus" is something you're going for it might get you additional fame. :P

I will go through the last interview (and back through the first part and the incident logs if I have the time) and send you my crit on it tonight or possibly tomorrow morning (it's 10pm here atm). I won't know whether the epilogue report will work until I see it but I recommend you write it anyway. I think it might end up being too short to properly conclude the ending in a satisfying way, and you might be better off cutting it at the incident log if you can't keep the interviews.

I think Dr Antleur's interview does benefit the narrative (because it shows that the Foundation do experiment on their researchers, and view them as subhuman) but you might be able to cut out some of the surplus dialogue?

Keep a copy of the interviews separate to the main draft so if it all goes to shit (which I don't think it will) you can switch it back and/or combine them if there's enough space.

I really hope you manage to get this cut down properly and posted; it's been really fun to read so far, the characters are great, the dialogue is beautiful. I really genuinely love it, and, as much as there are other people I think deserve to win, you deserve to win.

Update: the splash div is working, but the text that continues downwards is "The Mabbites" and not "you'll fall too" (I don't remember which was the intention, but they're both bolded). It also only duplicates once.

It definitely needs to be visible longer than it is currently is; I read pretty fast and I barely got through half of it before it started fading.

The div itself clips into the header, but moving it downwards might mean it reverts to where it was positioned before.

If there's a way to make the text repeat without having it in a splash div, that might work better. Having the poem at the top of the page (with or without the repeating text, though it does work with the narrative and is very cool) would work better because the text underneath is still partially visible. Is there a way to space the rest of the text downwards so it leaves a gap for the splash div without taking up character space? Then you could have the fading effect without covering the rest of the document.

I understand the narrative ties to the disappearing text but I think in its current state people might downvote because it looks messy. Absolutely no offence meant, but it is my honest opinion.

Yet another reply! I have finished the interview. I'm going to go back through the beginning and then through the interview logs for a SPaG check, and I'll get back to you sometime tomorrow morning.

has piqued my personl curiosity.

"has piqued my personal curiosity."

I don't think the last interview actually does much; it's just retelling us what we already know for the most part. Cutting it off at "Dr. Sawkingbark: You're right. (Clears Throat.) Agent Neilson, please explain why you were M.I.A. during the attack on the convoy by the entity Belette_Le_Fou(ine)." would really benefit it, imo.

Most of the rest of the interview is repeated information or character building between Neilson and Sawkingbark (which isn't really necessary since it's already established at the beginning of the interview), and it kind of tapers of at the end which means that regardless it isn't a particularly satisfying ending.

It would also show it in a "this is the beginning of the story, not the end" kind of way, which is a method of storytelling that never fails to slap me into the sun without remorse.

Backspace on your conprocs, description, and first addendum so that the text is on the same line as the title.

There is also a possbility that the Shakespeare play

"It is also possible that the Shakespeare play"

In your first banner under the addendum, you use both Level 4/XXXX and Level 3/XXXX. Pick one. (And change the collapsible underneath to match.)

Both the second banner and the WWS document could do with a line spacing between the collapsibles and the divs.

if they should escape on route.

"should they escape en-route." (I think "on route" is also acceptable but I'm not sure?)

10 kilometer radius

"10-kilometer radius"

Sandra Collins, could also potentially be an instance of SCP-3577

"Sandra Collins, could be a potential instance of SCP-3577" This sentence also implies that Sandy was a 3577 instance (i.e. a coyote) before she became a therian, which I don't think is the case. I think merging this and the next sentence would clear up the fact that Sandy is a human-turned-coyote rather than the other way around.

This is the first recorded case of an anomalous animal becoming an SCP-XXXX-A instance and then creating an SCP-XXXX-B instance.

This sentence is overcomplicated. Is the point that an anomalous animal (3577) became an XXXX-A instance and then infected Sandy? I think that's what you're trying to get at but it's not super clear. It's also lacking clinical tone.

I also might have a solution to your character limit problem, should you not be able to fit the final rendition on site: use offsets. It's not preferable, but if it's needed you can split below the first addendum and put the rest in an offset page.

You should fix your crosslinks so they direct directly to the mainsite URLs rather than indirectly. i.e.: using [ [ [ http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-3577|SCP-3577 ] ] ] rather than just [ [ [ SCP-3577 ] ] ]. It's not super important, but it stops your links accidentally going to sandbox pages or whatever.

Apologies for the delay; Wikidot sucks..

I've read through again and it all looks good. My only criticisms are below:

Dr. Sawkingbark: I hope so too, Terr— Agent Neilson.

"Dr. Sawkingbark: I hope so too, Terrance." because she's already called him Terrance earlier without correcting herself. You could also have it as "Dr. Sawkingbark: I hope so too, Agent Neilson." because it's not the name that matters, it's the pacing.

The splash div still isn't visible for long enough. Also the signature doesn't repeat down unless you hover over it, but people might not know to hover over it and therefore lose the effect. Is there a way to code it so it happens automatically?

Backspace the first paragraph of the conprocs, description, and first addendum so that the title is on the same line as the start of the paragraph. It's a really basic formatting thing.

There's still a couple "Canis lupis" when it should be "Canis lupus".

Let me know if you want me to go through it again, and please message me the link when you post it. :)

+ GerryManderBassist/gerrymanderbassist

+ Dr Golden/DrGolden

- Close

Foundation web-crawlers are to search all major social media platforms for text-based and image-based instances of SCP-XXXX and remove instances.

"Foundation web-crawlers are to search for and remove instances of all major social media platforms for text- and image-based instances of SCP-XXXX." - what does "remove" mean here? I feel like a different word might work better.

SCP-XXXX are widespread instances of text-based and image-based memetic hazards, known to the public as "copypastas".

"SCP-XXXX are widespread instances of text- and image-based memetic hazards, known to the public as "copypastas"."

Instances of SCP-XXXX depict the authors intense and often hyperbolic distaste

"Instances of SCP-XXXX depict the author's intense and often hyperbolic distaste"

will then spread the instance of SCP-XXXX viewed via sharing it on various social media platforms.

Very hard to read; could use some rewording.

including movies, viral videos, popular video games to even common colloquial phrases.

Non-clinical.

SCP-XXXX-A will completely loose all memory associated with the topic discussed within the instance.

"Lose" is the word you are looking for. Entire sentence is non-clinical regardless.

NON-ANOMALOUS CHAT LOGS, SCP-XXXX DISCOVERY

The usernames are great, but the dialogue is a little clunky.

Reason specificed:

"Reason specified:"

"Gamers Against Weed"

I'm unsure if this characterisation of GAW is correct or even feasible. I haven't read much GAW stuff but I don't see why they would make this?

It is currently unknown if the Gamers Against Weed intended for or are aware of the adaptive nature of SCP-XXXX

Needs a "." on the end.

which should hopefully allow the counter-meme to rapidly evolve at a similar rate to SCP-XXXX, effectively cancelling it out.

Non-clinical.

Overall, it's a little anticlimactic. You show us what the skip is and show us what it does but there isn't really anything beyond that. The GoI link feels a little forced and doesn't contribute much to the narrative because there's no reaction from the Foundation to GAW's actions beyond that they create a counter-meme, which feels rushed in itself. That's not to say you can't use GAW, and on re-reading the article in its entirety makes more sense, but the conclusion isn't solid and honestly ruins the entire thing. A little more Foundation input, especially in the conclusion, would hugely benefit this.

+ Squirreltoons

+ MetalRavioli

- Close

Hi!

I apologise if it's harsh btw.

Line-by-Line

Special Containment Procedures

"Special Containment Procedures:" and the conprocs themselves should be on the same line as the title (same goes for Description, Addenda, etc.) You can make a style choice to have them placed differently but currently they look like typos rather than a conscious decision.

I'm not a huge fan of strikethroughs, especially in large blocks, mainly because they are incredibly hard to read. Having an archived section (using a collapsible) in your conprocs would be better imo.

unless necessary

What constitutes a necessity here?

SCP-XXXX's cell is to be guarded by two armed guards at all times.

Seems very excessive. "at all times" is something I would automatically remove since it usually isn't warranted but given there's no object class other than Pending I'll give it the benefit of the doubt pending edit. EDIT: Remove it; it's not necessary and clearly isn't true either given the events of the security log.

SCP-XXXX is suspected to currently be in the custody of POI-2134 "Alex Warndthrill", and is to be located as soon as possible.

"SCP-XXXX is suspected to be in the possession of POI-2134 ("Alex Warndthrill") and is to be located as soon as possible." The name "Warndthrill" is difficult to pronounce and kind of messes up the pacing of the sentence.

SCP-XXXX appears to be a member of Sceloporus graciosus2.

"SCP-XXXX is a sagebrush lizard (Sceloporus graciosus)." The scientific name can be in a footnote instead of brackets if you prefer.

SCP-XXXX measures approximately 8cm long in length,

"SCP-XXXX is 8cm in length" (Mention height in the same sentence since you do the same later on.)

and displays behavior consistent with its non-anomalous counterparts. SCP-XXXX seems to change appearance based on its emotional state.

"SCP-XXXX displays behavior largely consistent with its non-anomalous counterparts but can alter its appearance based on its emotional state." I don't like this sentence; it needs to be there but isn't good in it's current state or in my edited version. It should be one sentence though.

These states include

"These states include:" Also remove the word "approximately" from this entire section.

Frightened - When frightened, SCP-XXXX will quickly shrink to approximately 7mm in length.

"Frightened - When frightened, SCP-XXXX will rapidly shrink to 7mm in length."

Rage - When angered, SCP-XXXX will grow to approximately 3.4 meters in height and 14.4 meters in length. SCP-XXXX's skin will become significantly more resilient to any damage, as well as becoming a greyer color. SCP-XXXX will also grow several spikes along its back and tail. SCP-XXXX gains a significant amount of strength and durability during this state. SCP-XXXX will begin to rampage until it is either calmed down, or it tires itself out.

Unkillable Rage Lizard. Seems familiar. Also needs a space between "Rage" and "-".

However, SCP-XXXX will rarely enter its rage state, only doing so under specific conditions of stress.

"SCP-XXXX will rarely enter its "Rage" state, only doing so under specific conditions of stress." I hold a strong dislike towards the words "rage state" and also you should probably define the specific conditions here.

On 9/23/2021, Site-24 was infiltrated by a group known to the Foundation as GOI-2134 "Nature's Carriers".

"On 9/23/2021, Site-24 was infiltrated by GoI-2134 "Nature's Carriers"."

While the goals and structure of this group are currently unknown, it is known that the group is led by a man called Alex Windthraw.

"The goals and structure GoI are unknown; however, it is known that the group is led by an individual designated PoI-2134 ("Alex Windthraw")." This is not the same name you used earlier in the article but it is significantly easier to read. The goals also aren't unclear because they are explained later on in the security log and therefore should be stated here too.

several other armed members of GOI-2134

"several other armed members of GoI-2134"

proceeded towards the wildlife containment wing.

"wildlife containment wing" needs some form of capitalisation. Same goes for any other instances of it in the article.

The following events were recorded on SIte-24's security system.

"The following events were recorded on SIte-24's security system:" Don't include this line in the Level 2 access addendum if the info in the collapsible is Level 4 access. Also why is it Level 4? It might actually be better to remove the collapsible entirely and just have the security log included with the rest of the article.

(the view is of outside SCP-XXXX's containment enclosure.

"(External view of SCP-XXXX's containment enclosure."

Windthraw: Place it down.

"PoI-2134: Place it down." Same replacement goes for the entire security log.

AI-1 takes out a small explosive, and places it against SCP-XXXX's containment enclosure's door.

"AI-1 takes out a small explosive and places it against the door of SCP-XXXX's containment enclosure."

Windthraw and AI's 1-5 takes cover.

"PoI-2134 and AIs 1-5 take cover."

Ten seconds later, the explosive goes off, and the door crumbles.)

"Ten seconds later, the explosive goes off and the door crumbles.)"

SCP-XXXX becomes frightened by the explosion, and enters it's "frightened" state.

"SCP-XXXX is startled by the explosion and enters its "frightened" state."

Windthraw removes a small cup from his pocket. Inside is a singular cricket. Windthraw releases the cricket into SCP-XXXX's enclosure.

"PoI-2134 removes a small cup containing a single cricket (Acheta domesticus) from his pocket and releases the contents into SCP-XXXX's enclosure."

SCP-XXXX enlarges and enters it's "Hunting" state. SCP-XXXX quickly grows additional limbs, eyes, tongue and tails, and quickly catches the cricket.)

"SCP-XXXX enlarges and enters its "Hunting" state. SCP-XXXX grows additional limbs, eyes, tongue and tails, and quickly catches the cricket.)"

(AI-3 quickly takes a needle out of their pocket filled with a clear substance. They quickly inject it into SCP-XXXX. SCP-XXXX falls unconscious.)

Seems out of place. Lock it (the lizard) in a box or something.

(From the door, seven armed members of MTF Eta-7 "Birds of Prey" along with Dr. Brackish enter the room. They all aim their weapons at Windthraw and AI's 1-5)

"(Dr Brackish and seven armed members of MTF Eta-7 "Birds of Prey" enter the room. They aim their weapons at the intruders.)"

E7-Cap: Hold it right there. (AI's 1-5 aim their weapons at the Foundation personnel.) MTF-Cap: Drop it.

Why does Cap's designation change here?

Hes an important asset in my research.

"He's an important asset in my research."

We were about to start the epirement, when…

"We were about to start the experiment when…"

but are all either terminated or severely injured.

"but are all either killed or severely injured."

Following these events, members of GOI-2134 managed to evade capture, and promptly escaped Site-24. Alex Windthraw's whereabouts are currently unknown, as are the identities and whereabouts of the 10 armed individuals.

"Following these events, members of GoI-2134 managed to evade capture and promptly escaped Site-24. PoI-2134's whereabouts are currently unknown, as are the identities and whereabouts of the 10 armed individuals."

Overall

I'm pretty torn on this because I did enjoy reading it but it relies heavily on a lot of very obvious cliches and my enjoyment for it really came mostly from the possibility of what the premise could've been rather than your execution of it. There isn't really a lot of content about the anomaly itself which would be fine except that the information about the lizard stated in the addendum is a reiteration of the information in the Description, and there's no mention of the "Rage" state beyond the description at all. I strongly dislike the concept of rage states but not following it through means it feels like you just put it in the Description to provide the possibility of it going 682 and it doesn't really feel connected to anything.

The security log started okay but it's so heavily predictable that there's really nothing interesting about it. I get what you're trying to do with the backstory twist but it's a really well-known and well-exhausted trope and it doesn't get subverted or changed in any way here which makes for an uninteresting read.

Overall, I feel like you could do more with this than "evil guy with sad backstory wants to do eugenics". There's a distinct lack of the Foundation's reaction to this situation and while the last line is good and explains the Pending Object Class, it's preceded by a lot of content that doesn't really pan out very well especially in terms of the narrative arc (conflict and conclusion are present, but they're predictable and kind of flat; we know how this story ends the second the conflict starts, and we shouldn't.)

+ Tstaffor

- Close

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

Needs some form of punctuation at the end.

A candle is a device described as a tool used to light up a small area around itself, it is the precursor to more technological types of tools like a torch.

"A candle is a device defined as "a tool used to light up a small area around itself." It is the precursor to more technological types of tools, such as torches."

This might be a little confusing as torch can refer to two different lighting instruments, one created before the candle, and one created after the candle.

"This might be a little confusing as "torch" can refer to two different lighting instruments: one created before the candle, and one created after the candle."

In British English, torch refers to what American English calls a flashlight.

"In British English "torch" refers to what American English calls a "flashlight"."

Flashlights were invested after the candle and utilize electricity to create light.

"Flashlights were invented after the candle and utilize electricity to create light."

In the feast hall of Olympos

Do you mean "Olympos" or "Olympus"?

Posidon’s lower leg.

"Poseidon’s lower leg."

“Ow! Not cool dude!”

"“Ow! Not cool, dude!”"

“Yeah man, that’s our brother, pretty rude.” Hades said popping up from behind a few other gods.

"“Yeah man, that’s our brother; pretty rude,” Hades said, popping up from behind a few other gods." Also this sentence feels weird for some reason idk.

I do it to rituasly punish bad people.

"I do it to ritually punish bad people."

“I’m glad you asked. I call it, Electricity!”

"“I’m glad you asked. I call it Electricity!”"

So there you have it. Electricity wa invented by Zeus.

"So there you have it: Electricity was invented by Zeus."

A lot of inventions usilize Electricity.

"A lot of inventions utilize Electricity."

Microwaves, Fridges, Dish Washers, and Coffee Machines are just a few inventions that use electricity.

"Microwaves, Fridges, Dishwashers, and Coffee Machines are just a few inventions that use Electricity."

Now, what to I mea- wait, haven’t I already explained that?

"Now, what do I mea- wait, haven’t I already explained that?"

I'm not entirely sure what's going on here but aside from the SPaG errors it's pretty decent, and I like that it's cyclical. I will stress the importance of consistency, especially in the capitalisations; if you have a capital letter once on a word here it must be consistently capitalised throughout the article.

+ TimmySky

- Close

Object Class: Safe

It's not Safe if it has to breathe/is sentient/can move. It's Euclid, at least.

SCP-XXXX is allowed to roam Site-19 if it wishes.

The Foundation is a prison, not a hotel. If there's a reason for this being allowed, state why.

SCP-XXXX is a small plush of a rabbit. It has a small tag on its back. The tag reads: "Your Best Bunny Friend from Toys LIVE."

"SCP-XXXX is a rabbit plush toy manufactured in 1994 with a tag on its back which reads "Your Best Bunny Friend From Toys LIVE"."

Little is known about the said company.

Boring. Make something up and write about who they are and, more importantly, what they mean to the Foundation.

SCP-XXXX shows sentience through its ability to solve basic toddler-level puzzles. It has shown great skills in problem-solving. SCP-XXXX is also capable of basic speech, speaking in a toddler-like voice.

That's sapience, not sentience.

It usually walks by personnel and simply says hello.

Remove.

as it was seen trying its hardest to place pieces of the preschool back together.

Your anomaly does a lot of anomalous stuff that doesn't really fit together or result in anything. This in particular seems very tacked on; why would it do that?

Dr. ████

No blackboxing. http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/avoid-the-blackbox

The plush put its hand in Dr. ████'s, and it was taken to Site-19.

Rabbits don't really have hands. "Paw" would be more accurate.

SCP-XXXX is brought into the site

"SCP-XXXX is brought into the Site"

Conceptually, there's not much here. You could totally make this interesting by elaborating on the GoI and showing more of the interaction between the GoI, the SCP, and the Foundation, but you don't. Indeed, you could elaborate on literally any part of this idea to make it something more substantial, but you don't.

Remember you're writing a story here; characters, conflict, and conclusion are all things you need to know, as well as the interactions between the different characters. Who are your characters, how do they interact with each other, why did the GoI create the anomaly, what goes wrong, and how does it get fixed?

I recommend utilising the Comprehensive Guide Hub, specifically the writing guides and essays, as well as the ideas forum.

+ Marcelles_Raynes/Mars εїз

+ Trickyni

- Close

22:40 <TawnyOwlJones> .s eat a white hat
22:40 <%Secretary_Helen> TawnyOwlJones: What Hides Beneath: the Black and White of Blackboxing (Rating: +63. Written 327 days ago By: MalyceGraves) - http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/avoid-the-blackbox
What Hides Beneath: the Black and White of Blackboxing - SCP Foundation
22:41 <TawnyOwlJones> Trickyni: take a look at the guide i just linked
22:41 <Trickyni> <TawnyOwlJones> you mindreader… this was one of the major things I wanted to nail down
22:42 <TawnyOwlJones> Trickyni: np. the basic consensus is don't blackbox unless there's an in-universe reason for it
22:43 <Trickyni> I kinda figured that one by hitting it with common sense
22:43 <Trickyni> pointless censorship makes reading really annoying.
22:43 <Trickyni> I really just need to know if there's any in-universe reasons to blackbox things that I'm not aware of yet
22:44 <Trickyni> My article just ends with "addendum 1" hidden behind level 3 clearance, and "addendum 2" hidden behind a level 4 clearance. it just means need-to-know happens naturally
22:45 <Trickyni> I haven't read quite enough SCPs to know if this is common practice or not.
22:45 <Trickyni> anyway, to the guide!
22:48 <TawnyOwlJones> Trickyni: i would say that names can be blackboxed to hide a person's identity, but for non-Foundation personnel pseudonyms or their actual names are more likely to be used. Also humanoid SCPs are still objects btw (i.e. use it/its pronouns and probably some form of dehumanisation (which comes with clinical tone anyways))
22:50 <Trickyni> TawnyOwlJones Are you referring to the interview bit? or to the censorship of subject [BLANK]
22:50 <PhStr1228> DrHawkmind http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/phstr1228-test-section Here is the current test section. Please note any issues
PhStr1228-Test Section - SCP Sandbox III
22:50 <Trickyni> 's name?
22:50 <TawnyOwlJones> Trickyni: rephrase?
22:53 <Trickyni> That said, subject [BLANK] herself is not an SCP, as she doesn't directly possess any anomalous properties.
22:54 <TawnyOwlJones> Trickyni: no i meant that the subject (as SCP-XXXX-A) is also likely to be considered as subhuman by the Foundation
22:54 <TawnyOwlJones> oh no apologies i misread
22:54 <Trickyni> if you've misread it, I wanna know where it was. I might be able to make that phrasing clearer :3
22:56 <TawnyOwlJones> "SCP-5XXX-A, the only instance of SCP-5XXX which has been safely contained" - why would they have a separate classification for the same entity? I presumed that SCP-XXXX-A was Subject Blank because she's affected by SCP-XXXX, therefore making her anomalous by extension
22:58 <Trickyni> That's one of the big interesting questions I bashed my head against while writing this piece. in the end, my resolution was "this is probably super-controversial, and I could probably explore it in a tale later. but for now, SCP-XXXX is contained by subject blank's strong, healed psyche. Working directly against it, stressing her out and
22:58 <Trickyni> potentially traumatizing her, could potentially be dangerous"
22:59 <Trickyni> They could obviously just shoot her in the head and eliminate the whole issue, but this is SCP, not DDD.
23:01 <TawnyOwlJones> that's not the issue here. i think it might just be a wording thing, but SCP-XXXX-A usually denotes a person or object affected by an anomaly. it's a tone thing; the foundation are extremely unlikely to consider her an equal.
23:01 <Trickyni> Hmmmm
23:02 <Trickyni> I might not completely understand separate instances denominations then
23:03 <Trickyni> there could potentially be thousands of independent instances of SCP-5XXX. the one trapped in subject blank's system is just the only one noteworthy enough to be separated. I named it SCP-5XXX-A arbitrarily
23:05 <Trickyni> I also think subject blank would most likely face a lot of issues in the foundation. I doubt she'd ever be treated as equal. the treatment I've devised for her reflects her being treated as "useful" and "not to be treated carelessly"
23:05 <TawnyOwlJones> it may just be my headcanon, but for me the foundation as a whole treating humanoid skips as humans usually points towards cliche self-inserts. a singular researcher treating a humanoid skip well is not the same thing. you can have your researcher going against protocol to treat Subject Blank like a human person and showing the implications of
23:05 <TawnyOwlJones> that, but having the entire article written that way changes the tone and for me would probably be an instant downvote.
23:05 <Trickyni> Things like her permission to carry sedatives, or the note on how people should call her by her name, those are things I imagine were put into the files after a LOT of back and fourths and a LOT of loud arguments
23:06 <Trickyni> Hmmm. Thank you for saying that. I'm trying to stretch the tone, but not break it
23:07 <TawnyOwlJones> regarding the labelling of the instances, you can denote a singular SCP-XXXX instance using -1 or -A or whatever, but you don't really need to unless that particular instance differs in anomalous activity from the rest.
23:07 <Trickyni> I figured that it is different, since it technically "failed to hatch"
23:08 <TawnyOwlJones> if you want, i can read your draft through again in full some time in the coming week and see what parts of the narrative work and what parts don't
23:08 <Trickyni> I would appreciate the heck out of that!
23:09 <Trickyni> it might not look quite like it does right now, do keep in mind. I'm re-reading and re-editing every couple of hours (or whenever I receive feedback)
23:09 <TawnyOwlJones> no problem, i've got a ton of other drafts on my list atm and my tells don't work but i'll catch you in chat or wikidot PM my crit to you when i'm done :)
23:10 <Trickyni> Thank you so much!
23:10 <TawnyOwlJones> yeah, that's fine. seek greenlights while you're at it and see what conceptual feedback you can get prior to getting full draft feedback
23:11 <TawnyOwlJones> of course! always happy to help

Hi! I'm Flight Officer tawnyowljones and I've decided to crit your concept!

I have yet to fully look at your draft, so I'm going to ignore its existence entirely and write this crit based on what you've written here.

I really just think you need to clarify what the events in the story are. You've got an interesting and fairly unique premise, but you don't go into detail about the narrative progression.

What's the arc of each of the narrative plotlines? You need at minimum a conflict and a conclusion, and preferably some form of set up and build up as well. Where do the two narratives intersect with each other? Subject R's story is especially important since it seems to be the main focus; what conflict does she face and how does it get resolved?

If there's two interlacing narratives, how are you planning on making them relate to each other? Do we see the information about the anomaly being revealed throughout the document? If so, are you showing that through external testing or through Subject R (e.g. using interviews)?

What does the contagion specifically do? It replaces people's personalities, but with what? Why does it not replace the personalities of all Subject R's alters?

I also want to know how the Foundation come into this. You mentioned in chat that there was a researcher who treated Subject R better than the Foundation in general, and I'm wondering whether you're still planning on including that, and how you plan on conveying the Foundation's reaction to both the anomaly and Subject R.

Finally, I'm wondering about Subject R in general. What is she saying, feeling, doing throughout the story? How does she react to the anomaly and to the Foundation? Do her alters every make an appearance, and, if so, do they react to the anomaly and the Foundation different to how Subject R does?

Overall, I think it's a decent idea. You do need to flesh out the narrative and explain what is happening at different points in the story, but the premise is solid. Describe each plot point (one sentence per point) in a reply to this and I'm happy to greenlight you.

That's all from me for now. Good luck!

+ Drayden475/D475

- Close

Hi! I'm Flight Officer tawnyowljones and I've decided to crit your concept!

I feel like this isn't particularly interesting at the moment, mostly because it follows quite a few cliches.

Having a sentient/sapient inanimate anomaly is kind of overdone, and having it cause mental distress is definitely overdone (see: thing-that-makes-you-crazy). That's not to say it's impossible to write, but without an original idea you won't have much to fall back on if your narrative isn't solid, and without a solid narrative it will be hard to convince people to read and upvote your article.

Bouncing off of that, the bigger problem here is the lack of central narrative.

Narratives have sections (set up, build up, conflict, conclusion) and characters. Who are your characters, what goes wrong, and how does it get resolved? You have a format and a vague premise (i.e. a theme you're trying to convey and an anomaly that does a thing) but there's nobody to follow that puts the story into perspective.

- What is special and/or interesting about the containment that it is different to the containment of any other inanimate object that manipulates people?
- Who is writing the blog post, and what information do they know that the Foundation previously don't? Why does their perspective matter to the Foundation, and how are you going to make it intriguing to your readers?
- What is the discovery? Does it actually matter?
- How does your story end?

Re: the blog post: why a blog post specifically? If this entire story could be told through forum threads/blog posts, there is a GoI format called Parawatch which is written through blog posts and documents people's first-hand experiences with anomalous phenomenon. Might be worth looking into?

Your hook is pretty good, but it's not reflected in the narrative. The best way to convey a general theme is through a character's experiences. What happens to your character that shows how weird time is? What emotions is your character experiencing, and how do they change as time and the narrative progresses? Etc.

Teal deer: I feel like this could be conceptually interesting, but currently there's not enough narrative meat for me to determine that. If you know what direction your narrative will take (e.g. if you have it written out in the draft), try translating it into your central narrative section.

That's all from me for now. Good luck!

+ Arcamiel

- Close

Hi! I'm Flight Officer tawnyowljones and I've decided to crit your concept!

The basic premise of this is pretty interesting, if a little generic, but you don't really go into detail about the narrative. Because the idea in itself isn't particularly original, you're going to need a solid narrative to hold the article up if you want it to have a chance of surviving on the mainsite.

Some questions for you to answer:
- What happened to Corporal White prior to this Tale and how does it line up with what happens/happened in the Foundation Site?
- How are you planning on framing his trauma so that it works as a plot device rather than an unending torture scene, while also being accurate and respectful?
- What is the Site, truly? And what is contained within it? How/why is it particularly shocking to the reader/Corporal White? This point is particularly important to consider because it's your conflict. (Tip for writing horror stuff: write about things that scare you personally)
- Does Corporal White interact with any other characters at all? What are those interactions and what new information do we learn from them?
- What are the characters seeing that the readers aren't? How do you plan on showing that's there's things the characters know but the readers don't?
- What is the personal lore?
- How does this story end?

I have concerns that it might end up being kind of flat, like if this dude's just walking through the Site and there's a generic Keter Class murder monster that eats your shins and then he kills it/dies/leaves it's not going to be as interesting as the elevator pitch originally implied.

If your characters and readers are reliant on descriptions of sounds and feelings you might want to look into 1) using actual audio and 2) reading Bird Box by Josh Malerman if you haven't already. Bird Box uses a lot of sound description (which replaces visual description in almost all cases) and still manages to be pretty visceral psychological horror.

Overall, I feel like this could go one of two ways. It really depends on whether you can sufficiently answer my questions and flesh out your narrative.

That's all from me for now. Good luck!

+ kingmeatballs

+ Richman_16

- Close

Hi! I'm Flight Officer tawnyowljones and I've decided to crit your concept!

Seconding fabledtiefling here that this would work better as a Tale. SCP articles are often from one perspective (that of the Foundation) and use a fairly strict format, whereas Tales can be in any format from any or multiple perspectives, which would be beneficial in this case. Even if you only show the story from the MTF Agent's perspective, not limiting yourself to a single exploration log is good (they can end up dragging on sometimes). A Joke Tale (as opposed to a Tale that happens to be comedy) is definitely also an option here (bearing in mind that in Joke Tales and -Js, the Foundation is often the brunt of the joke; and also that -Js and Joke Tales typically face a tougher audience than mainlist skips and Tales). That's not to say you can't write an SCP with this idea, but it's probably better to use a format with fewer restrictions.

Regardless of the format, you need to figure out who your characters are and what interactions occur at this convention. There's a lot of GoIs; which ones specifically are you planning on writing about? I recommend checking out their hub pages to see how they are characterised and how they interact towards each other and towards the Foundation.

You have the basic outline of your narrative here (yay!) but I can't help thinking that just listing the panels might end up being boring. Even if you include the descriptions of the stands/panels, I think the shift in focus between the list and the exploration log might be too much of a tone shift to work out properly. Adding in some interactions between various characters, whether they involve the MTF Agent or not, might make that tone shift less severe and out-of-place.

I like the punchline. The punchline is actually funny. (The whole idea is funny, it just needs a little more fleshing out earlier on.)

Teal Deer: I think you really just need to show the characters and their interactions earlier on in this. What happens at each panel, what happens in the employee lounge (and/or how are you going to establish the employee lounge as a place that exists and is bad), and how does it transition into the MTF Agent finding O5-2 running a panel/stand at AnomalyCon?

That's all from me for now. Good luck!

You're welcome!

I think it's not so much about removing the concept of the employee lounge (or similar space) but instead thinking about how you have your characters communicate that the employee lounge is a bad place. It's likely the same as to how people would communicate about The Staff (through rumor and allusion and anecdote and maybe the occasional sighting). The employee lounge is a hilarious concept and I think the skip, as a comedy skip, would benefit from it.

Half-rescinding my point about having this as a Tale. I will reiterate that single exploration logs (and long exploration logs in general) can be boring, so the format is something you should consider, but this could work as a skip, perspective-wise.

Regarding the panels, I don't know much about GoIs. MCD (and maybe SPC) is the only one here that seems realistic, but I'm not really familiar with the others. As good as the pun is, I don't think the CotBG one works; it might be worth asking someone who writes for CotBG.

I'm mainly concerned about this being a single exploration log and about a headcanon thing (the O5 are secret etc), but that's just my opinion. I think this is reasonably fleshed out and you know what you're doing. Have a greenlight! Let me know when you have a draft; I'd be willing to take a look.

+ Lethe101

- Close

Hi! I'm Flight Officer tawnyowljones and I've decided to crit your concept!

Most of these location are accurate to fairly high degree with the exception of one.

What are each of the locations and why are they significant? Why is it important that one of the locations isn't detailed, what skip did it contain, and which location is it?

The foundation asks the Beings where the missing scp could be only to find out the beings have captured it

Which SCP is it? Why would they capture it, especially since they just told the Foundation where it was? What further implications does this have for both Foundations?

Your narrative is in the Page Layout section. SCP Articles are written from the perspective of the Foundation, which here probably refers to the current Foundation rather than the Beings. You have fairly good narrative progression, but you need more detail on your conclusion and the hunt log (as above).

I feel like the Central Narrative section is just a weird summary of the narrative layout in the Page Layout section, but there is some important information there. I would suggest trimming it down to include the parts about the -1s being a previous Foundation, them being obsessed with a singular entity (maybe don't outright say that it's Satan? It seems cheap), and them stealing skips because their morals don't align with that of the current Foundation. And move everything from Page Layout into Central Narrative.

That's all from me for now. Good luck!

The questions you answered aren't really the ones I asked.

All location to the SCPs are accurate except for one.

The way you have rewritten your thread implies that the -1s captured the skip here because it attacked them, but this sentence doesn't imply the same. It implies that they were actually attempting to trick the Foundation into going somewhere else so that the -1s could steal whatever skip was actually at this location. This is good; it provides conflict between the two Foundations and a reason as to why they wouldn't return the skip to the Foundation. Having this particular skip be their singular obsession would also tie into the earlier parts of the article.

My other concern is that your conclusion might not be as strong as it could be because you still haven't told me what the implications are of the -1s stealing an SCP from the Foundation. How does the Foundation react to the -1s stealing their skips? Especially this one, since they are attempting to destroy every skip in the universe, which is something the current Foundation oppose.

+ DrDuckworth/Duckworth

+ Dr Spied

- Close

Hi! I'm Flight Officer tawnyowljones and I've decided to crit your concept!

I have a lot of concerns here but I'm going to break them down into four sections.

1) Insensitivity

Trivialising Covid (and other catastrophic real world events) is bad. Bearing in mind that there's a lot of people here who've been directly affected (and everybody's been indirectly affected) by Covid, it's probably not the place to write this. It's disrespectful, regardless of whether this is a mainlist skip or a -J, but especially if you're trying to pass off Covid as a Joke.

Additionally, while it is sometimes funny to laugh at "Karens", the idea that hateful and/or ignorant people are created spontaneously rather than formed by hatred of and/or ignorance towards marginalised people is neither good nor funny, and only serves to generate more bigotry and hatred towards those marginalised groups.

The idea that Covid was created in a lab is racist. Additionally, the Foundation has no reason to create something like this, or, if they do, you haven't stated the reason behind it.

2) Immersion/Suspension of disbelief

Real-life events can work in skips but it's often better to create your own event, even if it's based on something real. Because writing fiction means editing the specifics of the real-life event, you risk creating/spreading misinformation as well as denying specifics that happened at those real-life events (especially with catastrophes). For people who experience said real-life event, this can break immersion and suspension of disbelief because they know it didn't happen like the way you wrote it. It might be less of an issue to you when it's only one person who experienced the original event, but when it's everybody it's a lot harder to keep your skip on the site.

I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with writing about real-life events in general but it requires a lot of research and would be ambitious for a first-time author.

3) It's just not interesting

I personally do not want to see another piece of fiction media bring Covid into their world. Fiction is at least partially escapism; I don't want to exist in two worlds with a devastating global pandemic.

It's also, just, boring. I'm so over Covid being a thing it's not even funny anymore. I'm very lucky to live in a place where I can mostly ignore the existence of Covid; my family aren't, but they're still very much bored of it. I don't want to read about it, even if it's satire; it's not interesting to me.

4) Your actual article

Narratively, this doesn't have much meat. It's basically "The Foundation created Covid and Covid gives people a compulsion effect that makes them Karens". That's not a narrative. You need specific characters and a storyline and something to actually make your readers want to read this, and so far you don't have any of that.

If I was going to take this crit further, I would ask you to lay out your plot points in one sentence per point. The conflict and conclusion are especially important, and I would also emphasise that you need to talk about the Foundation's involvement in the article beyond them having created Covid. How do they interact with the characters? What story are you actually trying to tell here? Even if it's a -J, you still need some semblance of a story.

It also parodies the inconsistent designations for "sub-SCPs" (such as SCP-XXXX-1) by just switching between using numbers and letters

I don't get this. XXXX-1 and XXXX-A are used interchangably, yes, but they're usually consistent throughout an article and if they aren't it's usually because the author didn't read the guides/any skips before they started writing. The difference between -1 and -A are based in headcanon and it's a trivial difference. I honestly don't understand what you're trying to parody here. It isn't funny either, and will probably just come across as you messing up your designations rather than parodying people who do.

-Js and Joke Tales usually have the Foundation as the punchline. They're the target of the Joke. This doesn't have that.

That's all from me for now. Good luck!

+ volpra

+ andromedaz

+ Harriet Farrar/HarrietF

- Close

[REDACTED]

I'm much more of a fan of "n/a". Redaction implies that there is hidden information rather than absent or unknown information.

XXXX was absent.

"SCP-XXXX was absent."

Any trace of existence is thoroughly wiped from all the technological encephalon.

This feels like a repetition of the previous sentence. Remove entirely.

Class-Y Mnestics administered to staff; results futile.

This is a significant shift in tone. I think it would benefit from being on a separate line.

All anthropoid memory of SCP-XXXX has been unknowingly annihilated.

Remove, we already know this.

the entire facility and its perimeter searched.

"the entire facility and its perimeter were searched."

As SCP-XXXX inhaled, drawing in all known matter to its boundless bottom until it consumed itself an infinite amount, crushing galaxies and reigniting dormant nebulae into previously unforeseen concoctions, that which entered remembers that it never existed.

Very prose-y, and says much more than it implies. Significant shift in tone between this and the previous sentence, and I don't believe they can co-exist next to each other. Either remove one of them or bridge the gap. Putting this in clinical tone would be very interesting, maybe try it?

Recommendation: Write the addendum in present tense. It makes it significantly more immersive, which, when you have a draft this short, is really important.

22:25 <HarrietF> I've been through the paste bin and made most of the edits you recommended. http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/harriet-farrar-5 The last section confused me a little, about removing one of the sentences or bridging the gap.
Harriet Farrar 5 - SCP Sandbox III
22:27 <TawnyOwlJones> hello
22:27 <HarrietF> Hi there
22:27 <TawnyOwlJones> can you do me a favour and put the line break between each of the sentences?
22:28 <HarrietF> Oh, was it you who gave me the paste bin, I think I have been messaging the wrong Tawny
22:28 <TawnyOwlJones> yes, it was
22:28 <TawnyOwlJones> i changed my url, and i have two irc connections
22:29 <HarrietF> Okay that makes sense
22:29 <TawnyOwlJones> url lmao too much tumblr. nick
22:29 <TawnyOwlJones> 👍
22:29 <HarrietF> *Thumbs up*
22:30 <HarrietF> Did you mean a line break like that?
22:31 <TawnyOwlJones> nope, um, like a paragraph break. press enter
22:31 <HarrietF> On here, or the draft
22:31 <TawnyOwlJones> on the draft
22:31 <HarrietF> Oh okay sorry I'm the big dumb
22:32 <TawnyOwlJones> nah, no worries
22:34 <HarrietF> Thta should do it
22:34 <TawnyOwlJones> thanks
22:35 <HarrietF> Its all good
22:35 <TawnyOwlJones> there's less of a clash between the last two sentences now than there was before, but i'm still concerned conceptually about the last sentence
22:35 <HarrietF> Should it stay or should it go
22:37 <TawnyOwlJones> i had the same issue when i was writing my sqyd's challenge. it's really hard to convey the tone of the article when it's so short, especially when the tone of the sentences changes so much. keeping the central theme is fine, but the last line needs to be threaded throughout the article rather than tacked on at the end.
22:37 <HarrietF> Okay cool, what would be the best method of doing that?
22:39 <TawnyOwlJones> nothing about "absence" makes me think "space consuming itself". absence is in clinical tone, i think the prose ruins it.
22:39 <TawnyOwlJones> absence is "no", space consuming itself is "yes". they can wrap around and become each other but they aren't the same.
22:39 <TawnyOwlJones> hmm
22:39 <TawnyOwlJones> [many thinks]
22:39 <HarrietF> I can just ditch it altogether
22:39 <TawnyOwlJones> that would work, but you need something to replace it

+ DasonSky/Fish

+ Marcelles_Raynes/Mars

- Close

post craniotomy

"post-craniotomy"

Foundation approved mediums

"Foundation-approved mediums"

who fail to register 2 or greater

"who fail to score 2 or greater"

Failure to adhere to these precautions has resulted in termination from a sudden psychedelic onslaught in 100% of cases.

"Failure to adhere to these precautions results in termination from sudden psychedelic onslaught in 100% of cases."

Umar Hadid

Needs a title as well.

Description

Underline.

subspecies of lumbricina suborder, that are native

"subspecies of lumbricina suborder that are native"

and act as a hallucinogen.

Feels tacked on. Maybe move to the beginning of the sentence? "SCP-XXXX is a hallucinogenic, parasitic subspecies of lumbricina suborder that are native to the United States of America."

Beyond secreting (5-methoxy-N, N-dimethyltryptamine

Is the bracket intentional?

having protruding hook-like extenstions on either end of their bodies.

Is this meant to be a difference from a common earthworm? It isn't obvious whether it's a similarity or a difference between the two species and the previous part of the sentence heavily implies it's a similarity. Needs rewording if not.

SCP-XXXX also exhibits predatory behavior not found in typical members of its species.

Either move to the next paragraph or remove entirely. You talk about SCP-XXXX's predatory nature in the next paragraph so this isn't really needed.

each body contained SCP-XXXX instances.

"each body contained an instance of SCP-XXXX" or "each body contained multiple instances of SCP-XXXX" depending on whether it's one or multiple.

Interview Agent Amai

"Interview - Agent Amai"

approved narcotics for related research,

Switch the comma to a full stop/period.

[ To Command ]

Is there a particular reason for the spaces between the brackets and the words?

[To herself]

This is not italicised when the previous action is. There's inconsistency with this throughout the whole draft.

an individual named Barbara Eubanks claiming to have precognitive capabilities approached Researcher Hadid

Needs breaking up but I'm not sure how.

secured provisional site.

If it's a Foundation Site it needs capital letters.

Three members of MTF Delta 20,

"Three members of MTF Delta-20,"

Shaggy: [He sniffs]

I'm presuming this is different agents from those previously in Delta-20 because in 3835 you used she/her pronouns for Alpha.

In front of the team is a tree. The trunk of the tree is tall enough to obscure the canopy in darkness.

These two sentences (and the previous one) kind of clash pacing-wise. Suggest merging these two into one sentence.

There black tongues in the place of leaves

"There are black tongues in the place of leaves"

Shaggy fires multiple clips worth of ammunition

Move the footnote to after "ammunition" maybe?

Foundation agents occupying Subway

"Foundation agents occupying the Subway"

Non combative personnel

"Non-combative personnel"

Outside Eubanks is waiting. She is sitting down, casually reading a book."

"Outside, Eubanks is sitting down, casually reading a book."

handle your psychadelics

"handle your psychedelics"

Shaggy and Scooby are utlizing

"Shaggy and Scooby are utilizing"

And SCP-XXXX instance attempts

"An SCP-XXXX instance attempts"

but it unable as he evades the attack.

This sentence doesn't make sense.

quick acting LSD.

"quick-acting LSD."

After action report

"After Action Report"

Type B amnestics

"Class B amnestics" is the standard and my preference but it's up to you.

non-Euclidean cavern within Subway

"non-Euclidean cavern within the Subway"

Barbar Eubanks.

"Barbara Eubanks."

currently under and on-going investigation

"currently under an on-going investigation"

Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. Your characters being high all the time is hilarious. I feel like the conprocs could do with a brief explanation of what precognitive ability actually is; it's sort of presumed that the reader already knows what it means, and even though I was able to gather the meaning later on I think it would benefit from some allusion early on in the conprocs. I'm kind of 50/50 on the ending. I feel like it leaves too much open but I think that's just my personal preference regarding conclusions in general. I certainly wouldn't downvote for the ending at any rate, and I would definitely upvote for the rest.

+ Harriet Farrar/HarrietF

- Close

SCP-XXXX is to be sterilized by a level 2 or higher staff member

Put a time frequency between "sterilized" and "by", e.g. daily, weekly, as needed, frequently, etc.

level 2 or higher staff member

"Level 2 or higher staff member" (Same goes for all instances of "level"—->"Level" when regarding security clearance levels.)

any staff of level 2 clearance who has already used SCP-XXXX.

"staff members with Level 2 clearance or higher who have already been in contact with SCP-XXXX."

2 clearance level 4 personnel

"two Level 4 personnel"

the dogs

"SCP-XXXX-1 instances"

staff member in question does not get detrimentally affected.

"staff member in question was not detrimentally affected."

709 ml of water

That's very specific. Is there a reason it's so specific? If not, try rounding it. It's also inconsistent; in the first experimentation log, SCP-XXXX is filled with 5ml of water and the anomalous effects still manifest.

The anomalous nature of SCP-XXXX will activate 24 hours after it is filled with 5 ml of tap water, following which a dog or dogs will be found drinking from XXXX and will identify the one who activated XXXX as their owner.

This sentence is non-clinical and is very long. Consider shortening it and/or separating it into two or three sentences. You also should define SCP-XXXX-1 here.

If mineral water is used to fill XXXX, then the resulting instances will live for as long as they would naturally.

This is where you should compare the difference between tap water and mineral water. Default to "water" at the beginning, note here that the type of water affects lifespan, maybe follow it up later if it becomes relevant to the narrative (it probably should.)

XXXX-2 will always manifest on that person's pillow.

Who is "that person"? The owner?

Isle of Mann newspaper

"Isle of Man newspaper"

researcher O'Hara

"Researcher O'Hara" They should probably have a first name here too (just in the header).

the anomaly:

"the anomaly."

Hold ya horses I'm getting there, when I came downstairs, the following morning,

"Hold ya horses I'm getting there. When I came downstairs the following morning,"

there he was collar an all

"there he was collar and all" (Could be a dialect thing; don't worry if so.)

Wow…your dog came back to life, that's…that's really something, what are you going to do with the bowl now?

"Wow… Your dog came back to life, that's… That's really something. What are you going to do with the bowl now?"

Anomaly has been recovered, and the owner has been amnesticized, heading back now.

This is the wrong tone for a closing statement (should be clinical). The information is necessary but could do with a tone change. [EDIT: Unless, hmm, is it linked to O'Hara wanting to leave the Foundation?]

A Dachshund identified as Guinevere by D-3773

"A Dachshund identified as "Guinevere" by D-3773"

D-3773 was permitted to keep the photo as tests concluded it was not anomalous outside its animate properties.

Not my headcanon tbh, same with the part about the Foundation allowing D-3773 unlimited time with an anomaly. It's not a huge issue but I imagine people might not like it, even though it works in the narrative and is intended to be heartwarming.

there are so few SCP's

"there are so few SCPs", but at any rate "SCP" means "Special Containment Procedures" in-universe so maybe "anomalies" might work better?

her pallette was always refined

"her palette was always refined."

Impromptu Experimentation Log 2

Is this written by O'Hara outside of the Foundation? I presume so, but if not then the tone is off.

O'Hara's Notes #3

Again, just, like, I don't like that the Foundation let her take Ailey (who is an anomaly) outside of the Site. Allowing Ailey to live with O'Hara at a Foundation Site might be permissable, but anything beyond that is a big stretch.

I can't stomach the thought of getting rid of Ailey

"I can't stomach the thought of getting rid of her"

Luckily, my old home was converted to a Foundation safe house

What does this mean in context? Why is her home a safe house?

Ailey fell asleep on me while we were watching a film, couldn't bring myself to move her

"Ailey fell asleep on me while we were watching a film. Couldn't bring myself to move her"

forgot that didn't I, well serves me right I guess.

"Forgot that, didn't I? Well, serves me right I guess."

tear open on the big day, hope she doesn't destroy them too fast.

"tear open on the big day. Hope she doesn't destroy them too fast."

she's great around kids, the neighbour's kid

"she's great around kids. The neighbour's kid"

it's getting close, I know it is, I never wanted to get emotional in front of Ailey,

"it's getting close, I know it is. I never wanted to get emotional in front of Ailey,"

I helped her on the couch so she could lay down, I stayed with her that night.

This is in past tense; should probably be in present tense like the rest of the notes.

How am I going to cope at the Foundation?

Did O'Hara leave the Foundation entirely? Or just temporarily? If the Foundation knew Ailey would live a long time, surely they wouldn't've allowed her to leave?

I can't bring myself to go back, I nearly did, I almost left, but I didn't, I couldn't not yet, not while I'm feeling this emptiness, this hurt, how can I concentrate on work.

"I can't bring myself to go back. I nearly did, but I didn't. I couldn't, not yet, not while I'm feeling this emptiness. How can I concentrate on work?"

Researcher O'Hara took SCP-XXXX-1 (Ailey) photo outside of 00:Indigo.

"SCP-XXXX-1 (Ailey) outside of Safehouse 00:Indigo."

Overall, I think the execution is good, but conceptually it relies on a lot of stuff that I don't hold in my personal headcanon, which ruins the immersion for me personally. There is an established emotional connection between the readers and the characters and there's a narrative with decent pacing and progression, but the contents of the narrative break Foundation rules I hold as fundamental to SCPs. Having O'Hara use the skip in secret and compile her own research would be significantly more interesting, but 1) I don't think that's what you were going for and 2) you'd have to consider the in-universe repercussions of O'Hara stealing/hiding an anomaly, which might detract from the main focus of your story.

There's also a lot of run-on sentences which I've mostly picked out and corrected above but I likely will have missed some. The tone in prose sections, by definition, doesn't have to be clinical tone, but it shouldn't be extremely difficult to read.

+ Chapmann

+ Tiamat Elsen

- Close

Those found to be affected by SCP-XXXX

"Those affected by SCP-XXXX"

They should not be exposed to water in its liquid form; if the person lives long enough to require hydration it should be achieved intravenously.

Intravenous fluids are liquid.

if the person lives long enough

"if the subject lives long enough" (Foundation personnel affected by skips are considered just as subhuman as non-Foundation people affected by skips are, at least in my headcanon)

It is unknown whether it affects persons not employed by The Foundation.

"It is unknown whether it affects persons not employed by the Foundation."

Its effects are inconsistent but the afflicted, known as SCP-XXXX-1, generally suffer from adverse reactions to water.

Non-clinical. (Particularly "generally").

known as SCP-XXXX-1

"designated SCP-XXXX-1"

MTF Lambda-77, “Demersal Scotopic”

"MTF Lambda-77 (“Demersal Scotopic”)"

attempted to find Lt. Anenasya.

"attempted to locate Lt. Anenasya."

Upon sighting the retrieval team she smiled and began humming.

"Upon sighting the retrieval team, Lt. Anenasya smiled and began humming."

This was the first recorded occurrence of SCP-XXXX.

Should be included somewhere, but currently messes up the pacing where it is. Not a major issue, but could be moved elsewhere.

The day after Lieutenant Anenasya’s death Captain Skye - another member of Lambda-77 - was discovered dead

You didn't previously say that she died; you said she hadn't been found. "Lieutenant Anenasya's disappearance" might fit better. "The day after Lieutenant Anenasya’s disappearance, Captain Skye - another member of Lambda-77 - was discovered dead"

During autopsy her blood refused to coagulate

"During autopsy, her blood refused to coagulate"

A three minute long video was discovered on her phone, recorded an hour before her discovery.

"A three-minute long video was discovered on her phone, recorded an hour before the discovery of her body."

losing several litres of blood over the course of the video.

Personal thing: move the footnote to after the punctuation.

He refused to be put into contact with any water or water-containing solutions

"He refused contact with all water and solutions containing water." or "He refused contact with all water and water-containing solutions"

Although the request was granted he continued to complain about the noise

"Although the request was granted, he continued to complain about the noise"

remove his ears, eyes, much of his gums and his tongue.

"remove his ears, eyes, much of his gums, and his tongue."

At the time she was the lead researcher of SCP-XXXX

"At the time, she was the lead researcher of SCP-XXXX"

Once she became aware of her status as an instance of SCP-XXXX-1 she deferred her responsibilities

"Once she became aware of her status as an instance of SCP-XXXX-1, she deferred her responsibilities"

It has nothing to do with how well protected you are.

"It has nothing to do with how well-protected you are."

So for Kiara, Skye and I to have lived so long?

"So for Kiara, Skye, and me to have lived so long?" Also isn't Skye her surname?

Because of that, my departure from Lambda-77 felt like an anticlimax

Is the implication that Dr Vanth was previously an MTF Agent? Or just that she was a researcher appended to Lambda-77?

That’s where it all began, I guess.

Remove?

Mark out all the clearings, photograph all the flowers, watch sunlight fall through the canopy and twinkle in the dirt…

"Mark out all the clearings, photograph all the flowers, watch sunlight fall through the canopy, and twinkle in the dirt…"

After Devana’s death I convinced myself that my curiosity was a liability.

"After Devana’s death, I convinced myself that my curiosity was a liability."

Maybe it would have been wonderful or perhaps my life would have been cut short in a blackened steppe or carrion garden…

"Maybe it would have been wonderful, or perhaps my life would have been cut short in a blackened steppe or carrion garden… "

[Several minutes of the sound of rainfall. Vanth laughs softly]

"[Several minutes of the sound of rainfall. Vanth laughs softly.]"

Overall, I really like this. The only real issues I can pick out here are SPaG errors and minor inconsistencies. The actual story is really good, it's extremely well-written, the ending lands perfectly. I feel like you could play more on the dialogue; the things the characters say in the first addendum (and/or the idea that people say single cryptic lines) don't get carried through to the conclusion, and I feel like that's a missed opportunity. Regardless, would definitely +1.

+ Sound Chaser/SoundChaser

- Close

SCP-5394 victims

I usually designate people/animals/objects/etc affected by a skip as SCP-XXXX-1. Up to you, but I think it keeps the clinical tone better.

Due to the isolated nature of SCP-5394 victims, locating them is difficult.

"Locating victims of SCP-XXXX is logistically difficult, due to their isolated nature."

are to have their IP address traced.

"are to have their IP addresses traced."

Local Foundation investigators must then follow up, using appropriate cover stories, and question the potential victim on topics relating to SCP-5394.

"Local Foundation investigators must then follow up using appropriate cover stories and question the potential victim regarding SCP-5394."

SCP-5394 is, at the time of writing, ███ smartphones collected from around the world.

Not a fan of the blackboxing. Pick a number, or, less preferably, say it's unknown. Also the phrasing here is clunky and needs rephrasing.

No patterns have been identified regarding brand, location or year of production.

"No patterns have been identified regarding brand, location, or year of production."

Instances are functionally identical to non-anomalous smartphones.

"Instances are physically identical to their non-anomalous counterparts."

SCP-5394's effects manifest around two months after the victim inserts their SIM card, occurring in several stages;

"SCP-5394's effects manifest around two months after the victim inserts their SIM card and occur in several stages."

firstly, a small number of text messages sent from or to SCP-5394 will not be received, despite having definitely been sent.

"Firstly, several text messages sent to or from SCP-5394 will not be received, despite having definitely been sent." "Definitely" feels non-clinical but I'm not sure what to replace it with.

including social media, emails, fora and/or any other communal sites they frequent.

"including social media, emails, forums, and/or any other communal sites they frequent." "Fora" is accepted but it's a little weird, "forums" is more common.

The below texts were recovered from an instance of SCP-5394 belonging to Harry ███████ and a phone belonging to a Claire ████████.

Specify what instance of SCP-XXXX Harry is using and ditch the blackboxes (replace with surnames). Also maybe briefly explain who they are, even just a couple words would put the situation in context.

Harry: Sorry can't make it tonight. Need to get this essay done for tomorrow late night for me

Put timestamps before the names.

Claie:

"Claire:"

Overall, it's an interesting idea and I like how the messages are set up. I have two main concerns: lack of character set-up and lack of Foundation presence.

Re: character set-up; we don't know who these characters are. We don't know anything about them except for their first names. I'm 50/50 on this (because I've forgotten how I felt upon reading this the first time), but showing a conversation between them to establish who they are individually and to each other, as well as adding the sentence I mentioned in the LBL, would put them in context and make your reader care about them more. I have sympathy for them, but not really until right at the end. On reading back through, I feel much more connected to the characters, but I still feel like their introduction needs something, even if it's just that they have last names.

The more major problem is the lack of Foundation presence. With character-driven skips, it can be difficult to bring in enough Foundation-ness if you aren't writing about Foundation characters. Currently this skip reads a lot more like a Tale than a skip. Your options here are to either 1) make Harry and(/or?) Claire explicitly Foundation characters or 2) write about the Foundation's reaction to finding these messages. I think Option 1 is significantly easier and also better (because it points towards the Foundation staff being lonely and isolated, and also the ending is good where it is and so appending other things on the end might ruin it), but it's up to you what you do with your writing.

22:18 <SoundChaser> Alright, do you mind me commenting on the odd thing? Shouldn't take too long but I get if you have other stuff on
22:19 <TawnyOwlJones> not at all, go for it. the lounge pings me when you send the messages so i'll be doing stuff in the background but should answer fairly quickly
22:20 <SoundChaser> Okay, cool. Names are uncensored; i think I censored them because I didn't want to make one person the focus, but that was a mistake going by responses
22:22 <SoundChaser> It originally ended before the addendum as a retro thong what does a thong, but I chickened out and added some character. There's so little Foundation presence as a result of me trying to be as stark and minimalist as possible, but that's an artifact from the older version
22:22 <TawnyOwlJones> my wikidot is broken so refreshing the page doesn't allow me to see the changes but update as you go and i'll look as soon as i can
22:23 <SoundChaser> I like the idea of making one of them personnel, but I kind of envisioned them as students while writing; do they come across as top immature to work as one being a member or is the "dialogue" fine as-is?
22:25 <TawnyOwlJones> i think the dialogue is okay. foundation personnel are people, even if their morals are a bit fucked, but outside of documenting skips they can speak however they want, at least in my headcanon.
22:28 <SoundChaser> Cool, thank you. Also, question; should Claire or Harry be the researcher? Harry's the victim, they both clearly have issues but Claire's the more outgoing one, and I do envisipn her as being in a better place, hence the phone targeting him instead
22:29 <SoundChaser> I'm not sure if researcher's friend vanishes and she tries to find him or researcher has breakdown and they find out this is why works best
22:29 <SoundChaser> Although that would be background anyway
22:29 <TawnyOwlJones> oh i presumed Claire was the victim
22:31 <SoundChaser> I wrnt in with Harry in mind, started doubting myself as I wrote but eh. I tried to imply he was on his own much more, and these two relied on each other but the thing was trying to make her feel like he let her down, and him that he failed her
22:32 <SoundChaser> Clearly this needs a bit more work than I thought hsha
22:35 <TawnyOwlJones> rereading, i can see where you intended it to focus on Harry but that isn't what i picked up from the first three times reading through. Claire is more outgoing but she also seems to take not receiving the messages much harsher than Harry does. Maybe using a text bubble format to show whether the message was sent or received by a specific person
22:35 <TawnyOwlJones> would make it easier to discern who the victim is?
22:36 <TawnyOwlJones> also, yeah, but that's what crit's for. sometimes our writing doesn't do exactly what we want it to do :)
22:37 <SoundChaser> Ain't that the truth
22:37 <SoundChaser> Youre right about the texts, I'll see if I can nick some code of another article to make it clearer
22:38 <TawnyOwlJones> it's on the style resource iirc
22:39 <TawnyOwlJones> having Claire's name at the top of each screen would make it clearer that Harry is the victim maybe? or vice versa? but then i'm not sure how you would show Claire's unsent messages, or vice versa
22:39 <TawnyOwlJones> it requires some thinking, methinks

+ DrGolden/Dr Golden

- Close

Access to Mount Sipylos is to be unrestricted until the day a "TANTALUS" event is scheduled to occur. The day a "TANTALUS" event is to occur, access to Mount Sipylos is to be completely restricted under the reasoning of maintinence and cleanup.

"Access to Mount Sipylos is to be unrestricted until the day a "TANTALUS" event is scheduled to occur, at which point access to Mount Sipylos is to be completely restricted under the reasoning of maintenance and cleanup."

SCP-XXXX-1 is the summit of Mount Sipylos, sculpted in the appearance of a woman by unknown and most likely natural means.

"SCP-XXXX-1 is the summit of Mount Sipylos, sculpted in the appearance of a woman by unknown means."

From the "eyes" of the sculpture, water constantly streams out of the summit, creating a river.

"Water constantly flows from the "eyes" of the sculpture, creating a river [IN WHEREVER THE RIVER IS, E.G. A VALLEY]"

During a "TANTALUS" event, the water is instead replaced with blood.

"During a "TANTALUS" event, the water is replaced with blood." (Also maybe space this so this sentence starts a new paragraph?)

the leaves are a mixture of those found

"the leaves are a combination of those found"

The tree has one main branch

"SCP-XXXX-2 has one main branch"

18 more secondary branches

"18 secondary branches"

Whenever someone attempts to reach for said fruits, a soft wind blows them just out of reach.

Feels non-clinical and out of place.

On each of the 18 secondary branches, either a man or woman is seen laying down with their back on the ground.

Is this, like, actual people? Or images carved into the tree?

All it's speech is spoken in Ancient Greek.

"All its speech is spoken in Ancient Greek."

You never state what SCP-XXXX is, only -1 and -2. I'm also not entirely sure what this alludes to? It's cool, but there's no real connection to anything and it means nothing lands as well as it could. Is there meant to be a link to a real-world or mythological event that I'm missing?

21:48 <DrGolden_Phone> Heya! So first of all thanks for the crit. Secondly, the SCP is alluding to the myth of Queen Niobe (thus the niobium).
21:49 <TawnyOwlJones> np!
21:49 <TawnyOwlJones> oh i don't know that one. i don't think it manages to stand alone; you need more obvious allusion to the myth imo
21:49 <DrGolden_Phone> Alright, should I give a basic rundown of the myth to see how else I can allude to it?
21:50 <TawnyOwlJones> in here? go for it
21:51 <DrGolden_Phone> Okay so, Niobe boasted that she was better than the titaness Leto because Leto had 2 children while Niobe had more. The number is disputed but there’s always an equal amount of sons and daughters. Leto, outraged, sends her kids ARTEMIS and APOLLO to
21:51 <DrGolden_Phone> Kill each child
21:51 <DrGolden_Phone> artemis kills the girls and Apollo the boys
21:51 <DrGolden_Phone> Niobe herself gets turned to stone, left grieving for her children forever
21:52 <TawnyOwlJones> okay, so it makes sense in context, which is good. but, errrr, you don't provide any of the context in the skip, other than her name
21:53 <DrGolden_Phone> Alrighty, so I need to let the reader know about the Niobe myth somehow
21:53 <TawnyOwlJones> yeah
21:53 <TawnyOwlJones> otherwise, it's looking pretty good
21:53 <DrGolden_Phone> Great! Thanks :]

+ Kantum

- Close

Hi! I'm Flight Officer tawnyowljones and I've decided to crit your draft!

You go through your formative years associating it with a sense of comfort, if you're lucky enough not to be the offspring of an asshole or two, that is.

"You go through your formative years associating it with a sense of comfort (if you're lucky enough not to be the offspring of an asshole or two, that is)."

being raised by me and an equally incompetent human being.

Who is the "equally incompentent human being"? It's not clear.

they look at you makes you regret thinking that, and you smile.

"they look at you makes you regret thinking that."

recoiled frantically, and immediately, it was gone.

"recoiled frantically and, immediately, it was gone."

It was not the sort of thing you chalk up to your imagination, or sleep deprivation.

"It was not the sort of thing you chalk up to your imagination or to sleep deprivation."

I knew what I saw

"I know what I saw" (EDIT: neither really fits. "I know what I saw" denotes thinking about the past and would be the better of the two, but neither fit in combination with "and I sat there", so idk.)

I didn't know what so say.

"I didn't know what to say."

My conversation with David was still seared into my mind, whatever that thing was, David was apparently its doorway into our life.

"My conversation with David was still seared into my mind. Whatever that thing was, David was apparently its doorway into our life."

Some time after we found ourselves in some kind of building, it looked like a military base.

"Some time after we found ourselves in some kind of building; it looked like a military base."

I wish someone will talk to me soon, though.

"I hope someone will talk to me soon, though."

I really like this. Initially I was thinking that Class C wasn't the best option, but the ending is fantastic and lands really well. I was also concerned that the last section would end up being surplus and that having anything after the character getting amnesticised would ruin the story (obviously this isn't always the case, but I felt it might be here.) but then I realised this is written in real-time and not retrospectively, and, well, damn, well done.

I think the dialogue needs work; I don't like the stuttering-as-nervous thing, I think it can work at times but this is not one of those times. I think the dialogue might not be spaced from the block paragraphs correctly, but it might be because it's in tabview. It's not a major issue, it just makes the pacing a little weird. There's also issues with run-on sentences. I've offered fixes for the ones I saw but there might be more so make sure to check again.

I really like the idea of the Foundation being actively in web forums. I don't think I've ever seen that before and it's really cool.

That's all from me for now. Good luck!

+ Gopher-Chucks

- Close

Hi! I'm Flight Officer tawnyowljones and I've decided to crit your draft!

Prior containment procedures required only a standard freezer unit, as SCP-XXXX can survive extremely low temperatures. However, due to the rate of decay, this requirement has been modified.

I'm not entirely sure this is needed? Unless the point about decay is followed through later, this footnote just acts as surplus. [EDIT: If you add the date from Addendum XXXX-D then the footnote would make sense and the addendum would be in context.]

must be covertly monitored in the event that a second iteration manifests.

"Iteration" doesn't seem like the right word here. "Instance" might work better.

but the bones and ligaments continue to degrade.

"while the bones and ligaments continue to degrade." or "but the bones and ligaments will continue to degrade."

then return to its top half

My prior understanding of bisection was similar to that of dissection. I didn't realise the corpse was torn in half for quite a while and I think that maybe needs clarifying earlier on?

see addendum XXXX-A

"see Addendum XXXX-A"

it will effectively deflate in shape, and its motion will be hindered beyond function.

Remove the comma.

with SCP-XXXX

I'm presuming you're planning on editing the number into the recording?

one of which is bent to face the opposite direction

I feel like this would benefit from being in the description rather than this log (since the log is not the first interaction with SCP-XXXX, this is likely known information.)

If there are portions of the hippocampus still alive in there, maybe it’s remembering how to walk.

Is the part that's walking just its legs (and the lower half of its torso)? Apologies if this is going over my head but how are its legs still connected to its brain?

It’s mostly just brushing up against the walls and crashing into it blindly

"It’s mostly just brushing up against the walls and crashing into them blindly"?

The following audio clips were recorded over the course of two weeks.

I suggest adding transcripts for these.

the Foundation has made inquiries

"inquiries have been made"

The only report found that nearly matches SCP-XXXX comes from Norman Wells, Northwest Territories

"nearly matches" and "comes from" aren't clinical. "comes from" can be replaced with "originates from" or "originated from"; unsure about "nearly matches".

add’l

Maybe change to "additional"? The contraction breaks the pacing a little.

9/4/2020 18:42:03 dad birthday gift ideas during covid

Covid kinda doesn't need to be mentioned. Skips about Covid aren't advised and even with the date I feel it isn't actually relevant to the material, and thus breaks immersion at least a bit.

project with a high risk rating, so that you will better understand why we are doing this.

Remove the comma.

Overall, this is good. I like the concept even though I'm confused by some of the material.

Maybe separate the ultrasound results and the search results into their own addenda?

I don't think the last paragraph is necessary; it only provides context for Addendum XXXX-B which I think works better as horror rather than as a "cold not cruel" teaching moment. SCP-XXXX's requests would largely be the same as that of many humanoid anomalies, so "don't accuse the Foundation of cruelty" is probably something that's enforced Foundation-wide rather than in specific cases.

That's all from me for now. Good luck!

+ Fireknight

- Close

Hi! I'm Flight Officer tawnyowljones and I've decided to crit your draft!

I originally critted the wrong version of this so if there's anything, especially in the Overall crit, that seems completely incorrect it's probably because the vibes differ between the two versions and I got them confused. There shouldn't be anything, but apologies in advance.

Keter

Why Keter? Isn't it an inanimate object?

On the first day of each month, SCP-XXXX is to be removed from its safe and brought to Sector 9 Sector 113 alongside an acceptable candidate for SCP-XXXX-1.

Why? Why are the Foundation doing the same test every month when it yields the same results every time? If nothing else, it's kinda boring to read.

An external sector approximately one kilometer from Site-25 Site-26.

I'm not a fan of strikethroughs in conprocs. I get the point of the other ones here but this one in the footnote seems unnecessary unless there's a reason stated later on for both sites being one kilometer away from their respective sector. If there isn't, I suggest removing the "Site 25" in the footnote.

No individual is to directly touch SCP-XXXX at any other point in its handling.

Why not?

When they fail this goal they are to be disbanded immediately and a new, identical, task force is to be made with different members.

This is excessive. Agents aren’t disposable.

D-class

"D-Class" is capitalised. (This goes for every instance of the word.)

not given any information about the Foundation.

Non-clinical.

Class A amnestics are to be administered upon their arrival at Sector 9 Sector 11.

But why? Class A amnestics randomly target memories in the past 6 hours, which seems somewhat pointless in this scenario.

If SCP-XXXX-1 escapes containment, conflict is not to be initiated. Instead, a clear surrender is to be announced by a nearby personnel member with the most authority.

Why though? Seems nonsensical.

SCP-XXXX is a large, leather bound book

"SCP-XXXX is a large, leather-bound book"

The cover is blank aside from signs of weathering.

"The cover is unmarked aside from signs of weathering."

leaving no traces from the original author.

"leaving no traces of the original author."

While SCP-XXXX-1 holds SCP-XXXX

"When SCP-XXXX-1 comes into contact with SCP-XXXX"

If SCP-XXXX-2 is an organization, complete disbandment. If SCP-XXXX-2 is an organization, implementation of policies to restrict their functionality.

"If SCP-XXXX-2 is an organization, implementation of policies that restrict their functionality, or complete disbandment."

Attempts by nearby guards to restrain in proved unsuccessful.

"Attempts by nearby guards to restrain it proved unsuccessful."

It went to the residence of █████. An individual later found to have kidnapped SCP-XXXX-1’s son three years prior.

Is this relevant? If so, remove the blackbox. if not, remove the whole sentence. The second sentence here is a fragment and should be attached to the first sentence here. “It went to the residence of an individual later found to have kidnapped SCP-XXXX-1’s son three years prior."

It took two more similar events before SCP-XXXX’s ability to force contact was discovered, these have been cut for brevity.

Non-clinical. Also not relevant to this test log in particular; I suggest moving it elsewhere.

After restraining all personnel that fired upon it

This is logistically weird.

publicly apologize to the site

" publicly apologize to the Site"

before interacting with the group of interest.

"before interacting with the Group of Interest."

Future tests are to avoid personal connections between SCP-XXXX-1 and SCP-XXXX-2.

The problem with this is that SCP-XXXX-1 refers to all -1 instances and SCP-XXXX-2 refers to all -2 instances. I don't think it's a major issue but maybe it needs a clarification on whether you mean all further tests or just further tests on the people in this particular log.

SCP-XXXX-1 did not follow Foundation directions.

Interesting; but why? I like how this section links back to the conprocs but I think you need to explain why the result of this log is different to the others in more detail.

After he caused the collapse of a Foundation site

"Site" should be capitalised. Does it matter which Site in particular? If it’s a Site that’s been mentioned in the article already, you should specify it here.

This interview was done to conclude

"This interview was conducted to conclude"

You felt like a hero. (Agent Grey laughs) you’re free to stop me if you disagree.

Put these sentences on separate lines so that the break (Agent Grey laughing) is separated from Garcia’s dialogue. Same goes for the rest of these.

Researcher Grey: Do tell.

Should be Researcher Garcia.

I heard that you were the front line against some sort of cosmic threat and I wanted in.

This isn't my headcanon and it kinda breaks my suspension of disbelief. Headcanons differ but check with someone else.

It let you be a hero again?

Hmm. I fail to see the connection between destroying a Foundation Site and being a hero. I get the connection between destroying a Foundation Site and not having the job you wanted, but it's not the same connection.

Amanda Brown

You mention who this is in the old version but not the updated one. It's important.

So we better pray to god we’re not the villains.

"Self-aware Foundation" is once again not my headcanon. I don't know, it just reads strangely.

Your request for a rewrite of SCP-XXXX’s containment has been rejected.

Perhaps too meta? Reads a little strangely.

Overall, it's okay. SCP-XXXX uses a compulsion effect, and even with the story behind it it’s a little dry. I can understand the "compels people to hurt people because it wants a story" part, even if it’s cliché, but I don’t like the part about it compelling people to touch it/forcing contact; it feels tacked-on.

The initial test logs are a little disjointed from the main story and seem to mostly paraphrase information we’ve already been told in the Description. That being said, it does work in retrospect; when we learn that the book perhaps isn’t malicious and just wants to write a story, we look back at the initial logs and it works, but for a while they don’t really land. The

The PERSEUS program logs communicate your story significantly better than the first set of logs. I do think they should be Test 1, 2, and 3, rather than 1, 4, and 5 though, unless there's a reason to skip 2 and 3.

You need a <Begin Log> between your foreword and the start of your dialogue in your interview.

I like the idea of tying this to the writing process, but the stuff about the Foundation’s villainy seems like overkill. Tone it down a bit and it might land better. Talking here about the book’s specific intentions would be good too; is it willing to kill people for its story, or not? What are the implications of that?

For reference, the current version is better overall than the previous one. The endings of both are weird; the first is a reiteration of the conprocs, and the second is a proposal that gets sniped so fast we don't really get to understand the implications of it. The second ending also has Researcher Garcia treating the skip like a human, which is a little weird and out-of-headcanon. Neither land well atm imo, but with some rewording the second one is viable.

That's all from me for now. Good luck!

+ BlueLightningDragon

- Close

19:44 <BlueLightningDragon> here's the link when you're available: https://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/bluelightningdragon
SCP-XXXX The Gemstone Of Death - SCP Sandbox III
19:45 <Mars> Anyone else got time for a 4k draft about LSD worms
19:45 <TawnyOwlJones> BlueLightningDragon: hmm, yeah, okay. please bear in mind that reviewers are not supposed to write your skip for you, and LBL crit isn't designed to pick up large conceptual flaws. if i'm reading a skip and I don't feel that an LBL is beneficial, i won't do it.
19:45 <BlueLightningDragon> Okay
19:45 <BlueLightningDragon> you can just do normal crit if you want
19:46 <BlueLightningDragon> And I'm getting crit to improve my article, because I don't want it to crash and burn
19:47 <BlueLightningDragon> I don't know which part is which in my article that's why I'm asking mainly for LBL to specifically point out the error
19:47 <BlueLightningDragon> like the overwroughtness
19:47 <TawnyOwlJones> i'll read it through first, but i think given the number of times you've posted this draft to the mainsite and had it deleted, you probably need to get ideas crit and change the concept. it's all well and good if the spag is good but if the story isn't interesting or connected it won't work on the mainsite
19:48 <BlueLightningDragon> Er, what's "spag"
19:48 <TawnyOwlJones> spelling, punctuation, and grammar
19:48 <BlueLightningDragon> Oh okay
19:48 <TawnyOwlJones> like, you keep mentioning that your dialogue is bad, but there's probably also bigger issues. which is why greenlighting exists.
19:48 <BlueLightningDragon> and the first post I did was a mistake I did, I'll admit
19:49 <BlueLightningDragon> I can't get anyone to see my greenlight post
19:49 <BlueLightningDragon> It's already plenty old now
19:49 <BlueLightningDragon> I've PMed butterfly squad members also
20:10 <BlueLightningDragon> Quick question, what temperature type does the foundation wiki use
20:10 <BlueLightningDragon> Celsius or Fahrenheit?
20:11 <@cybersqyd> the foundation always uses metric; so celsius
20:11 <BlueLightningDragon> Okay
20:19 <BlueLightningDragon> Mars, I'm changing up the results of viewing the gem and focusing on how the effects propel the narrative.
20:20 <TawnyOwlJones> BlueLightningDragon: can you describe your narrative in one sentence per plot point?
20:21 <BlueLightningDragon> per plot point?
20:21 <BlueLightningDragon> Do you mean important events in the story?
20:21 <BlueLightningDragon> okay
20:21 <TawnyOwlJones> yeah
20:22 <BlueLightningDragon> Eta-10 recovers the anomaly from a deranged curator that warns them over and over to not harm it, and almost kills one of the team trying to keep them away from it.
20:22 <Mars> Alright
20:22 <BlueLightningDragon> Second,
20:23 <BlueLightningDragon> The Foundation puts the anomaly into a containment unit designated for cognitohazardous artifacts, and a test results in a breach causing major mental and physical damage to security and personnel.
20:23 <BlueLightningDragon> third,
20:25 <BlueLightningDragon> Dr. Daniel is made lead researcher of the anomaly, and conducts experiments concerning the gem's connection with death, concluding that the gem is a portal to a pocket dimension where the SCP-XXXX-2 instances roam.
20:25 <BlueLightningDragon> fourth,
20:27 <BlueLightningDragon> The Foundation recognizes major effects of the anomaly besides its normal effects, such as feeling unsettled or emotional, flu-like symptoms and report hearing voices over their shoulder and seeing instances of SCP-XXXX-2 as deceased loved ones.
20:27 <BlueLightningDragon> andd I think that's up to date
20:28 <BlueLightningDragon> Is that too much per sentence?
20:28 <TawnyOwlJones> no that's fine, one moment
20:28 <BlueLightningDragon> Ok
20:30 <TawnyOwlJones> BlueLightningDragon: why do you want to write this skip in particular?
20:30 <BlueLightningDragon> Er, I thought of it
20:30 <BlueLightningDragon> why do you ask?
20:32 <BlueLightningDragon> And also because I made up some scientific creatures and such for my fantasy book. some of them just didn't make sense by standards of my fantasy world, so I thought, "Hey! I'll make this into an SCP!"
20:32 <BlueLightningDragon> It was technically an anomaly in my fantasy world as well
20:34 <TawnyOwlJones> because if you want to write it then you think there's something interesting about it, and you don't seem too willing to edit the concept (given that you are soliciting draft crit when you have a four-day-old ideas forum thread with two replies telling you it's not a particularly compelling narrative). what do you find interesting about this story?
20:34 <BlueLightningDragon> The death thing in particulor
20:35 <TawnyOwlJones> that it kills people?
20:35 <BlueLightningDragon> NO
20:35 <BlueLightningDragon> oops caps
20:35 <BlueLightningDragon> No
20:35 <TawnyOwlJones> so what
20:35 <BlueLightningDragon> (Sorry I use shift to type caps)
20:35 <TawnyOwlJones> dw
20:35 <TawnyOwlJones> please rephrase the "death thing"
20:36 <BlueLightningDragon> I changed it that it doesn't kill people
20:36 <BlueLightningDragon> And it is connected to death
20:36 <TawnyOwlJones> no, but it makes them kill themselves, which is functionally the same
20:36 <BlueLightningDragon> How does it make them kill themselves, though?
20:36 <BlueLightningDragon> I never put it makes them kill themselves…
20:37 <TawnyOwlJones> i mean that's what i understood from your draft. they come into contact with it, go crazy, and kill themselves
20:37 <BlueLightningDragon> Sure, Saffron and the curator did it, but it depended on *what the voices told them to do*
20:38 <BlueLightningDragon> But did I explicitly put they killed themselves?
20:38 <BlueLightningDragon> I don't think I did…
20:38 <TawnyOwlJones> then in that case it's a thing-that-makes-you-crazy.
20:38 <TawnyOwlJones> you did not i don't think, but it doesn't matter because that is what i as a reader understood from reading it
20:39 <TawnyOwlJones> basically you're standing on multiple cliches and they aren't as interesting as you think they are
20:39 <BlueLightningDragon> When I was waiting for you to come online, I was revising it and making changes
20:39 <BlueLightningDragon> some more noticable changes too
20:40 <BlueLightningDragon> I'm making the instances seem more like human souls
20:40 <TawnyOwlJones> okay, i will read again. i will also leave some crit on your concept thread
20:40 <BlueLightningDragon> Ok
20:41 <ClockworkCrow7> I need to get my work greenlighted by someone. http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/clockworkcrow
clockworkcrow - SCP Sandbox III
20:41 <TawnyOwlJones> regardless, the anomaly doesn't really matter here. the narrative is a disjointed combination of cliches that doesn't read well.
20:41 <TawnyOwlJones> ClockworkCrow7: concepts are greenlit, not drafts
20:42 <ClockworkCrow7> Ugh. so how do i show the concepy? the diretions say to post the sandbox link here
20:42 <BlueLightningDragon> Oh
20:43 <TawnyOwlJones> ClockworkCrow7: ideas forum thread http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13282684/required-reading:how-to-use-this-forum-ideas
REQUIRED READING: HOW TO USE THIS FORUM - IDEAS - SCP Foundation
20:43 <TawnyOwlJones> BlueLightningDragon: how many series 6 skips have you read?
20:43 <BlueLightningDragon> also, I don't really know the cliches because I'm new to writing it as well
20:43 <TawnyOwlJones> .s how to write
20:43 <%Secretary_Helen> TawnyOwlJones: How To Write An SCP (Rating: +185. Written 12 years ago By: The Administrator) - http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/how-to-write-an-scp
How To Write An SCP - SCP Foundation
20:44 <BlueLightningDragon> Not many series six
20:44 <BlueLightningDragon> but a good few
20:46 <BlueLightningDragon> I don't have much time to read many skips
20:46 <BlueLightningDragon> But I can read some
20:49 <TawnyOwlJones> the way you learn both the format and how narratives work in skips is by reading. read more recent stuff before you keep drafting. i recommend using the random scp button on the mainsite and also #site19 for that (read things that people plug, and go through people's author pages)
20:49 <TawnyOwlJones> also, don't be afraid to put this idea on the backburner, or even scrap it entirely, and work on something else. sometimes ideas don't work or they don't work the way you want them to. leave it in your sandbox, work on something else, and come back to it in a couple months.
20:49 <BlueLightningDragon> I also had this idea of a virus
20:49 <BlueLightningDragon> But maybe it's the same thing
20:50 <TawnyOwlJones> think about the story, rather than the object itself
20:50 <BlueLightningDragon> It's supposed to be called the glitch pathogen
20:50 <TawnyOwlJones> the object obviously has to feature in the story, and can be the main focus, but the Foundation's reactions and interactions with it are significantly more important

Conprocs in your description

MTF dialogue is both too colloquial and stunted.

Thing-that-makes-you-crazy + thing-that-kills-you = thing-that-makes-you-kill-yourself, apparently? Suicide is a sensitive topic, and you seem to trivialise it.

Containment breaches are largely overdone.

Don't redact, blackbox, or data expunge anything.

Overall, we learn about the things this skip does, but there's no emotional connection to any of the characters. The narrative here is just the discovery, and then containment breach, and then experiment logs to find out what the skip does, and then there's a pocket dimension for some reason? There's no singular well-formed narrative arc here, just a bunch of disjointed things that happen to include your skip. Overwhelmingly, it's not interesting.

+ Gooday

+ DrWoomywood

- Close

Hi! I'm Flight Officer tawnyowljones and I've decided to crit your draft!

Item #: SCP-XXXX
Object Class: Euclid
Disruption Class: Vlam
Risk Class: caution Warning
Location: Site-81

Unless there's a reason to have both this and the ACS, remove one of them. Additionally, the reclassification to Warning from Caution isn't mentioned in the article and is therefore irrelevant. You can totally make it relevant by including it in the article, but right now it's just surplus.

SCP-XXXX During containment by MTF Xi-8 "Spearhunters"

"SCP-XXXX during containment by MTF Xi-8 "Spearhunters"" but also "during containment" is kind of weird wording.

15 by 13 Foot containment chamber

Is there a reason for it to be 15 by 13 foot? The Foundation uses metric, not imperial, units too.

with a sprinkler system installed inside.

"furnished with a sprinkler system" would be better wording, if slightly non-clinical.

Due to the temperatures that SCP-XXXX can produce, the cell materials are to be extremely heat resistant.

Feels non-clinical.

SCP-XXXX appears to be a common raccoon

"SCP-XXXX is a common raccoon". I would also mention the scientific name here (which is Procyon lotor).

with a weight of 21.5 pounds, and a height of 11.2 inches.

Use metric units.

Once a day, SCP-XXXX will be engulfed in fire. The fire is always a perfect sphere, with SCP-XXXX in the center.

Non-clinical.

The sphere is estimated to be 6 feet in diameter.

"2 meters". Also why is it estimated?

The temperature of the aforementioned sphere has shown to vary greatly

"The temperature of the sphere has shown to vary greatly"

2,800 degrees celsius

"2,800 degrees Celsius"

(Level 3+ personnel, view incident SCP-XXXX-1 for more information)

"(See Incident XXXX-1)" and then put the Clearance Level on the collapsible.

response teams are only allowed to interact with SCP-XXXX

"response teams are only permitted to interact with SCP-XXXX"

On 6/11/2020 SCP-XXXX ignited at a temperature higher than anything previously seen during a regular health checkup

Non-clinical.

killing all three personnel in the process

There are four people in the table. "killing three personnel in the process"

melting transition point of 4,500° celsius

"melting transition point of 4,500 degrees Celsius"

risen to an average of 3,950° celsius

"risen to an average of 3,950 degrees Celsius"

Overall, I'm not really feeling it. I like the idea of fire raccoon, and it don't think it's as much of a problem as Phantom implies, but it lacks a story and the part of the narrative that is present isn't particularly interesting.

You kill off three characters at the end but we don't know or care who they are, so it doesn't really matter? Right now, fire raccoon is just "thing that kills you". Follow a character, or group of characters; make us care about them so there can be some sort of emotion elicited upon their deaths. The Current Staff section isn't really relevant either, since we don't ever get introduced to these characters.

Pretty major issues with clinical tone, as above. There's also some inconsistencies across the different parts of the draft, e.g. you say in the Description that the shape of the fire changed at some point, but then you don't follow it through in the addendum like you indicated you would.

Remember that SCP articles are stories; you need characters, and a narrative, and something interesting to happen (whether that's a single plot point or an overall theme). Figure out why you want to tell this anomaly's story specifically, and then think of a story only this anomaly could tell.

That's all from me for now. Good luck!

+ Risora

- Close

Hi! I'm Flight Officer tawnyowljones and I've decided to crit your draft!

SCP-XXXX is to be stored at Site 19 in six secure storage lockers, and its existence is classified to all personnel below level 4 clearance.

"SCP-XXXX is to be stored at Site 19 in six secure storage lockers. Its existence is classified to all personnel, except those with Level 4 clearance or higher."

Site 19

"Site-19" (goes for all instances of the word)

measuring approximately 0.5 meters long and 0.5 meters wide, with a thickness of 1.5 cm.

"measuring 0.5 meters in length, 0.5 meters in width, and 1.5 cm in depth."

designed to be assembled into a box

Perhaps specify here that the box is a cube?

mainline reality would be consumed

"mainline reality is consumed" also I think it's "baseline reality", or "current reality"?

SCP-XXXX would then appear in the mirror reality

"SCP-XXXX will then appear in the mirror reality"

Objects and information to thus be transferred between the baseline and mirror reality by storing them in the assembled box form of SCP-XXXX prior to activation.

This sentence doesn't make sense. I think it's missing some words.

in the year [REDACTED].

If the year isn't important, remove this entirely. If it is, add in the number.

[REDACTED]

What goes there? If you don't know, remove it. It doesn't work as shock value if your reader can't even guess what is under there, and it's not a hook either.

This box is dangerous and repulsive to us

Using long-time nuclear warnings is interesting but it's also slightly cheap? You never fully explain the gravity of the situation which means that this doesn't land as well as it could. It partially comes across as trying to hook readers by using other people's writing. This line was the first thing I noticed about the addendum and I think if would work better if it actually fitted in with the rest of the skip. I'm not sure where the rest of the text is the addendum is from, but if you wrote it then it carries the same if not more weight than the line from the nuclear waste warning messages.

These functions may be activated by [INSTRUCTIONS EXPUNGED BY ORDER OF THE ETHICS COMMITTEE]

Why the Ethics Committee and not the O5?

secure, contain, protect.

"Secure, Contain, Protect."

Overall, it feels somewhat anticlimactic. You never fully explain what the anomaly is. We know the skip initiates YK-Class Scenarios, but not much else. You mention later on that it can be used to warn against K-Class Scenarios but you never explain how or why or show it happening. Maybe we as readers don’t need to know much else, but we do need to be interested in the story.

Conceptually, it’s not bad, but you’ve got a lot going on and not enough words to adequately tell the story. Scale-wise, you're going for something with really big implications but in a short article, and that's really hard. There’s a lot more words than implication; a lot of excess and repetition surrounding the core idea, but not much extrapolation from the core idea of “this is a thing that does X; it’s secret and nobody is allowed to use it”. This happens a lot with short articles, but I really think adding more solid content to this wouldn’t go amiss.

The core idea in itself is interesting, but the execution is pretty flat and disjointed. I think seeing more implication surrounding specifically why nobody is allowed to use it would give it a little more depth. Show something going wrong and have the Foundation learn from it, rather than just eluding to the fact that something could go wrong so they won’t even try. It’s headcanon, but if something beneficial can come out of an anomaly the Foundation will exploit it within ethical and logistical limits. If you don’t want to show it, then explain why the Foundation won’t ever use it in more detail and make sure it connects to the rest of the narrative.

Additionally, putting a little more weight and focus on why the contents of the box is important would be very good. Currently you just have a list of things that are in the box and I haven’t read the skips you list and I’m not compelled to. Relying heavily on crosslinks isn’t good, especially when you don’t explain what they mean for/add to your article; they’re just name drops.

When I say the narrative is disjointed, I mean that you have a bunch of different information about your skip but none of it is adequately connected to the other parts. Including implications and the Foundation’s reactions to the skip throughout can help make everything coherent.

That's all from me for now. Good luck!

+ Azmoeth Jikandia

- Close

Hi! I'm Flight Officer tawnyowljones and I've decided to crit your draft!

Research Team-XXXX

I feel like "Research Team XXXX" would work better.

active rather than passive containment will be pursued.

"active containment will be pursued."

SCP-XXXX is a question-answering online webpage that specializes in the circulation of anomalous content.

I don't think "question-answering" is necessary here because it's implied later on.

due to the prevalence of serpantile and arboraceous iconography

Is it not "serpentine"?

Though never directly alluding to them,

Feels non-clinical. Could be removed entirely but I feel like the information is important. Maybe needs rephrasing.

prevalent within Serpent’s Hand ideology including a general anti-containment sentiment.

"prevalent within Serpent’s Hand ideology, including a general anti-containment sentiment."

answered by an unknown persona

"person"? "entity" might work better.

Though much of the posted answers usually contain general questions about abnormal incidences rather than specific inquiries into anomalous mechanisms and minutiae.

This sentence is unfinished.

review the previously answered questions.

As in they can review questions from other people?

Permanent solutions de-coupling solutions

Repeated word?

and no one to tell this to you because many have called me crazy

"and no one to tell this to but you because many have called me crazy"

But weirdly when I turn the light back on

No prior allusion to the lights being off. Unless you mean non-physical light?

the changes on her body disappear

Bodily changes aren't really implied in the previous paragraph. Maybe reword this part?

I also want them to keep me in that place forever.

Missing negative? i.e.: "I also don't want them to keep me in that place forever."

Peasants in feudal europe

"Peasants in feudal Europe"

Bold the commas in your titles. i.e.: "Description:" rather than "Description:".

I like this, but I don't have much knowledge of the Serpent's Hand so I think a lot of it went over my head.

The actual premise is interesting, that is, having a q+a website about SCPs; I think there’s real potential there, and the format is wonderful. However, it doesn't really lead to much narratively. The beginning is strong, but it sort of tapers off towards the end. Please correct me if I'm wrong but I took the overall idea to be that the Serpent's Hand are showing random people (or established characters perhaps???) the existence of anomalies and anomalous phenomenon, and also attempting to recruit them at times. The bigger implication is that the Foundation having access to this website and the answered questions means that they know what the Serpent's Hand are doing.

I'm mostly confused by the last q+a section; it only really implies two things:

1) That the Foundation is Bad (TM);
2) That the Serpent's Hand oppose the Foundation and vice versa

and it doesn't really land properly? Because even with my limited knowledge of GoIs, I already know both of those things. The actual words are good but I feel like the intention doesn't work.

Referring back to what I said previously about the Foundation knowing about the Serpent's Hand's activity, so what? What happens now that they have access to this skip? What do they do with the information and/or what do they intend to do with the information?

I don't know; I'm torn here and I definitely feel like I'm missing something, but I also think it would benefit from having some Foundation narrator input about the q+a sections specifically.

That's all from me for now. Good luck!

+ Dazehara/Calcius

+ HwangE

+ Phantomfool765

+ Tenku Pipit/Pipit_Dealer

- Close

13:35 <TawnyOwlJones> Pipit_Dealer: You've certainly thought a lot of your anomaly, and you seem to have a backstory, but I can't really see where the Foundation come into this. If they fail to contain your anomaly, what happens in the present-day narrative? (Remember that SCP articles are written by the Foundation in-universe, so even if the information is being
13:36 <TawnyOwlJones> communicated by your anomaly it's all seen in the article through Foundation lenses.)
13:36 <Pipit_Dealer> TawnyOwlJones Like i said, many detail will be included in the final ver but heres the scop:
13:36 <Pipit_Dealer> The SCP have been observing the foundation for quite some time
13:37 <Pipit_Dealer> he surrender to the foundation because the SCP redeem the foundation as a Good Guy
13:38 <Pipit_Dealer> as the Second point, Im on it
13:38 <TawnyOwlJones> you need to include the details of your narrative (or at the very least, the major plot points) in your ideas forum thread, otherwise you'll just keep getting "you don't really have a narrative" kind of crit.
13:39 <Pipit_Dealer> i see
13:39 <TawnyOwlJones> What happens to your anomaly once it surrenders itself to the foundation?
13:39 <Pipit_Dealer> Well he willingly to be contain and be research i.e foundation stuff
13:40 <TawnyOwlJones> okay, and that's the ending?
13:42 <Pipit_Dealer> the ending in my head is spouse to be SCP killed a multiple Class D only using the stories. Due to this, Experiments require Class d who will be tested with SCP-XXXX will need mental evaluation
13:42 <Pipit_Dealer> every personnel*
13:44 <TawnyOwlJones> You haven't previously mentioned this. why would your anomaly surrender itself to the foundation and then kill people? what's the point?
13:46 <Pipit_Dealer> So in my head, The scp didn't have any intent to kill. The reason he surrender himself to the foundation because it knows what his stories can do.
13:46 <TawnyOwlJones> okay, so what do his stories do?
13:47 <Pipit_Dealer> Sorry can you rephrase that? it flew over my head.
13:47 <basircuser> oh i forgot to tell you, TawnyOwlJones, she died of blood loss due to the thorns
13:47 <TawnyOwlJones> basircuser: I understood that, I don't understand why the thorns were in her house
13:48 <Pipit_Dealer> The anomaly stories or Its story?
13:48 <basircuser> aight about to add something to that that explains it
13:48 <TawnyOwlJones> Pipit_Dealer: of course! you said that the foundation "knows what [your anomaly's] stories can do". What do the anomaly's stories do?
13:48 <TawnyOwlJones> basircuser: cool cool :)
13:51 <Pipit_Dealer> The stories can make a human into a "Perfect Man" (A man endless thirst of being a Perfectionist) some will survive but some after 30 seconds after exposure will go insane
13:52 <Pipit_Dealer> The effect can be cured with anthesia
13:56 <TawnyOwlJones> … you need to mention this kind of stuff in your forum thread.
13:56 <TawnyOwlJones> consider: focus your narrative on the stories rather than the automaton. you could even go so far as to write one of the stories in a Tale format, as long as you feature the Foundation (as least in passing).
13:57 <TawnyOwlJones> Regardless of the format, what implications do the stories have on Foundation personnel? What reason does the automaton have to tell the stories? Does it know it's killing people? How does it feel about that? How are we supposed to feel about that when we read the article?
13:57 <TawnyOwlJones> do you mean "amnestics"?
13:58 <Pipit_Dealer> uh "that drug that make you forget" idk how it spells
13:58 <TawnyOwlJones> that's "amnestics" :)
13:58 <Pipit_Dealer> oh
13:58 <TawnyOwlJones> it's okay, i knew what you meant
13:59 <TawnyOwlJones> can you answer the other questions?
13:59 <Pipit_Dealer> Yes i can
13:59 <Pipit_Dealer> so that all?
14:00 <TawnyOwlJones> it depends, that's all the questions I have for now. I'm happy to paste this log on your forum thread and you can answer the questions there, or you can answer them now, or you can spend time thinking about the answers. it's up to you
14:00 <Pipit_Dealer> Ok
14:01 <Pipit_Dealer> Thx a lot man
14:01 <Pipit_Dealer> i know something is wrong but i dont know what
14:01 <TawnyOwlJones> np :)
14:01 <Pipit_Dealer> TawnyOwlJones one more thing:
14:01 <TawnyOwlJones> take your time with it, add all the stuff we spoke about into your original forum thread (mind the word limit!) and the narrative will come to you
14:01 <TawnyOwlJones> go for it
14:03 <Pipit_Dealer> So i could say the Foundation Personnel got first expose to its story and the scientist went bonkers.
14:03 <TawnyOwlJones> if it's part of the narrative, yes
14:03 <Pipit_Dealer> so the backstories can be explain in the form of Interview log?
14:04 <TawnyOwlJones> yes, if you want it to be.
14:05 <Pipit_Dealer> Last one. I have an idea to add a excerpt to add an excerpt from a manuscript discovered by the foundation
14:05 <Pipit_Dealer> making the scp "can be trusted"
14:06 <TawnyOwlJones> "can be trusted"?
14:07 <TawnyOwlJones> it would certainly be interesting to see an excerpt of one of your anomaly's stories, but you've got to make sure it aids the narrative
14:07 <Pipit_Dealer> The manuscript can be in two langguge: First in native (old malay) and the translated ver (Standard english)
14:08 <Pipit_Dealer> What do you think?
14:08 <Pipit_Dealer> about the "can be trusted" i want to say the the foundation redeem it as not hostile towards the foundation
14:09 <TawnyOwlJones> Bearing in mind that this the EN site, I think the Foundation would probably translate it into English in-universe. You might have to ask somebody else about that though.
14:09 <TawnyOwlJones> but does it not still kill people?
14:10 <TawnyOwlJones> if you can find a way to redeem it that is relevant to the narrative, then go for it
14:11 <Pipit_Dealer> It didn't have intend to kill except if being threatend
14:11 <TawnyOwlJones> but do the stories not kill people?
14:12 <Pipit_Dealer> it know the stories can kill but it cant help itself to tell it
14:12 <Pipit_Dealer> because it was build for that
14:13 <TawnyOwlJones> okay, so you need to find a way for it to communicate to the foundation that it shows remorse
14:13 <Pipit_Dealer> Got it

You haven't really answered the questions. The effect on the Foundation isn't really explained beyond saying that the researchers are paranoid. The reason the automaton tells the stories is apparently compulsion, which isn't overly interesting.

I would suggest thinking about all the questions and how the potential answers line up with your planned narrative. You have a sapient anomaly, so it's going to have some sort of reason to be telling the stories. "It does it because it can't control it" may well 1) bore your readers and 2) be a flat narrative (because there's no driving force behind your character).

+ beesontoast

+ Orion T Atticus

+ Mediocre_Pain/Medicore_Pain

+ YerBoii21

+ DracerX/Captain Psycho 2

- Close

Hi!

There's a lot going on here.

You've got a spacial anomaly; cool. I'm not convinced with there being multiple people contained inside the anomaly at the same time; it may result in a disjointed narrative because you're telling too many stories at once. Having two characters tell the same story from different perspectives with different emotions is very powerful and adding surplus input might weaken that narrative.

If your main character cannot perceive the other people, the other people are irrelevant to your story. If you tell the story from the perspective of the researcher on the outside, you could mention there being multiple people inside the anomaly, but if it's not going to mean something in your greater narrative then you don't need it.

I actually think test logs are not a good idea here, because they can detract from your main story. They typically serve as extended descriptions of the anomaly, rather than furthering the narrative as they should. Focusing on the limited experience of your two characters is important for both driving your narrative forward and soliciting emotional reactions from your readers.

There's definitely something interesting in a cyclical narrative that gradually becomes both more and less cyclical (depending on perspective). I'd like to see more detail on the actual narrative; what's the memory that your researcher is experiencing and how does it make them feel? (Remember that nostalgia can make people feel lots of different emotions) What emotions are we supposed to be feeling when we read this?

If the process is gradual, how does the researcher inside the anomaly feel about losing their partner and their memories? When you lose large parts of your (long-term) memory it can be extremely distressing*. Do with that what you will.

In regards to short-term memory, the researcher isn't going to have much of that. They're reliving the same memory over and over, and while they might retain whatever the other researcher is saying, most of their short-term memory will be taken up by their physical surroundings. Short-term memory storage only lasts up to about 30 seconds and your narrative may well be stunted if your researcher always forgets what their partner just said. It would be an interesting direction to pull the narrative in nearer the end, but I think gradual long-term memory loss is the way to go initially. I recommend looking up Clive Wearing if you haven't already, and noting the difference in his perception of the world vs that of his family.

Overall, I think this is a fantastic idea. It would work beautifully as both a Tale and an SCP article (I'm leaning more towards Tale because your narrative focuses more on the characters than the anomaly itself, but it's your choice how you format your work), and I'm very excited to see what you do with it.

*(because you're left with massive gaps in your memory and you know something is supposed to be there but there's just… nothing)

Hi!

Original anomalies aren't as important as original narratives. There's two main problems in your thread: 1) you don't really have a narrative and 2) what narrative you have is very disjointed.

SCP articles are short stories. Who are your characters? What are the major plot points in your story? Conflict and Conclusion should be your focus here. The metal cube isn't particularly interesting, and only really serves to overshadow your story. The parasite is your focus here, and it doesn't really matter where it came from. How do the Foundation interact with your anomaly in a way that is interesting to your readers?

Is the parasite sapient? How does it react to the Foundation? Does it know it's hurting people? Does it care?

Death isn't a particularly satisfying ending, especially when your anomaly is just "a thing that kills people". I would suggest thinking about the interactions between the Foundation and your anomaly and mapping out a narrative around it. Also read some Series VI SCPs to see how narratives work in the SCP format.

Some Minor Stuff

You probably shouldn't choose a number yet. "SCP-XXXX" works as a placeholder.

Don't redact or blackbox things in your ideas forum thread. If the information isn't relevant, remove it entirely.

If you make major changes to this thread I'm happy to critique it again.

Hi! Potentially-harsh crit contained within.

The parasite has recorded incidents of reacting to the foundation by specifically targeting books of the higher ups and successfully killing 2 site directors and a member of the 05 council.

Why though? Why is it malicious? What's driving it? (Also it's O5, not 05)

at one point nearly making it to the wanderers library before it was stopped by MTF.

The Wanderers' Library is property of the Serpent's Hand. They are explicitly anti-Foundation; if you want the Foundation to stop SCP-XXXX from destroying the Wanderers' Library, you need a very good reason. There's nothing wrong with writing something where the Foundation and the Serpent's Hand work together, it just requires a lot of knowledge of both organisations and their history together.

You're killing a lot of people here, it seems unnecessary. There's nothing inherently bad about killing people in skips but there has to be a reason and it has to work with your narrative. What you have here is a massively-overpowered thing-that-kills-you, which isn't what the site is looking for anymore.

In regards to, like, XK-Class scenarios, I would recommend not doing that for your first skip. As I said above, it can easily turn into "my skip is the most powerful it killed all these people" rather than an attempt to actually write a story. Writing Apollyon/world-ending skips tends to turn into that too; it's more than often completely unnecessary.

When including GoIs in your SCPs, you need to read their hub pages, along with a bunch of their GoI formats and SCPs and Tales that they feature in so you can characterise them correctly.

(like scp-5000) but i'm not too sure yet

You probably should not be trying to mimic a thousand-slot skip written by an extremely prolific and experienced author for your first skip. Tone it down. Additionally, not knowing where your story is going to lead is okay, but you do need to figure it out. That's what ideas critique is for. Do some brainstorming and pick whichever ending you think will work best with the overall tone of your narrative.

On top of all this ^^^, you still don't really have a narrative. You've created a faint outline of one, I'll give you that, but you've focused too much on making your SCP massively-overpowered and not enough on the actual story.

Try to think about what reason your parasite has to kill people, and how the Foundation, like, adjust??? to that. Does SCP-XXXX need to maintain contact with books, or does it just want to? i.e. can the Foundation lock it in a box and leave it there, problem solved, or is there more to it?

Overall, tone it down. Stop trying to overcomplicate your narrative with multiple GoIs and XK-Class scenarios, and think of a different story involving the same anomaly.

I can't tell you not to write this story, and you absolutely can write it and post it to the mainsite if you want to, and you're more than welcome to talk to other critters (you should talk to other critters), but the bottom line is that you still don't have a narrative. Take some time away to read a bunch more Series VI skips and reconfigure your storyline, and then I'm happy to look at it again.

I hope that helps. Feel free to reply here or send me a tell in #thecritters if you have more to say. Good luck!

+ betabellz

- Close

Hi!

This is a very cool idea. You definitely need to refine the narrative, but there is a fairly-coherent outline here.

SCP articles typically follow specific characters. Who are your characters? Who is infected? How do infected characters respond to the Foundation? You say you're going to use an interview; what happens in the interview and/or what do your readers find out in the interview that they don't already know? (I'm thinking that the interview is how the Foundation find out the song is contagious, but that's up to you to decide.)

Test logs usually function as extended descriptions of the anomaly, rather than furthering the narrative. Sometimes they can be successfully used to show how anomalies adapt to different conditions, but I don't really see them being beneficial to your story (unless you can explain how you would use them).

I would suggest scaling your anomaly down. Apollyon Class entities can often be labelled Keter, and world-ending entities in general can very easily fall into cliches. If you do want to mention it that the Foundation are treating it as a potentially-world-ending entity, that's possible, but I wouldn't make it Apollyon or world-ending because it doesn't need to be.

There's lots of directions you can take this in in terms of tone, so think about how you want your readers to feel when they read your work and superimpose that onto your characters, at least to begin with.

The solution to your anomaly (in addition to your actual anomaly) has the potential to be terrifying, if you want it to, but you have to make it specific rather than general. Whose tongue is getting cut out? How do they feel about it? Are they relieved? Or not?

How does your story end? What happens to your characters that will cause your readers to leave feeling the way you want them to?

This SCP is contained i believe? There's still many things we don't know about it, like how we can still think and write and have consciousness but sing the lyrics to a song at the same time. Does it hypnotize or use telekinetic powers to mind control people? or are people just pulling a prank because they want to relive their childhood.

This isn't particularly important. It doesn't really matter why your anomaly does what it does, because your focus is on your characters and the effect of the anomaly. The prank would be a way to write a -EX, but it would likely make your skip anticlimactic.

people who are infected have the option to stay and live their lives without a tongue or start a brand new life as a new person also without a tongue.

Would amnestics not work as an alternative? If not, why not? (If the reason affected people don't stop singing is nostalgia, Class E amnestics are anti-nostalgia drugs. Utilise that or don't, but consider there's lots of things to think about here.) Why are your characters given a choice?

I hope that helps. I am genuinely interested in seeing what you come up with here. Feel free to reply here or send me a tell in #thecritters if you have more to say.

Hi!

Tell me about your researcher. What is he doing throughout your story? How does his presence/existence drive your narrative forward?

SCP articles are typically standalone. They can tie into canons, or into their own series (like Tale series are a thing), but they have to be stories in and of themselves. Nobody should be required to read multiple articles to reach a conclusion for one overarching narrative, like how each book in a real life novel series could serve as the ending to that series.

You can absolutely use a single article to introduce a character, you don't need to show their entire life-story, and you can use them in your other articles but that first article shouldn't serve just to introduce your character; it should tell a story and end in a satisfying way, same as any other skip.

If your tone is "wholesome and lighthearted" rather than "dark and scary", I'm unsure about the tongue thing. It just seems out of place in an article with a lighter tone? You could pass it off as something where the end justifies the means, but it's not quite as relevant to your narrative anymore.

Euclid is whatever. I think actually your anomaly would be Keter, but object class is usually decided last, based on what you write in the draft phase. Regardless, if your anomaly is taking over the world, what are the implications of that? How do the Foundation react to learning that information?

I'm unsure as to how you're planning on making the tone lighthearted or wholesome? If you could go into more detail about that, that would be great.

How does reading the article through your researcher's eyes change the way your reader will perceive the article? You've sort of explained how he's characterised, but you still haven't explained what he does. What are the contents of the interview? What is he trying to find out about your anomaly?

You need some form of tone in your article, because your article is a story. Without consistent tone, your story won't go anywhere and your readers won't feel anything. Tone is just the general vibe of the article, whatever emotions you want your readers to experience is superimposed onto your characters. You can change the tone as the article progresses, but you need to know what emotions you're trying to convey.

You don't need to go into major detail about the tongue thing if you don't want to, but you do need to mention it if it's part of your story (specifically, it should be in your containment procedures). It doesn't have to be dark, but it does have to be consistent with the overall tone of your article.

If you're going to have the object class as "Euclid Keter", you need to explain why the reclassification was necessary in your article; because any reclassification means something happened in-universe, which is part of your narrative.

How does Dr Vannia react to losing the ability to speak? How does he communicate? Was he infected during a containment breach or before initial containment or during testing? Does he lose his tongue in the article, or before it?

I'm not convinced by the ending. It just seems disjointed and out of place compared to the rest of the article. It kind of reminds me of the ending of "Bird Box" by Josh Malerman (the book, not the film). The tone you're going for the ending here is very different to that of Bird Box, but the principles are similar (i.e. there's a place where a specific group of characters end up, and it's implied they stay there forever). The difference is that here it seems to be a random thing that's been tacked on as an ending, rather than the logical conclusion to the story. There's nothing inherently wrong with having this as your ending, especially if Dr Vannia also ends up there, but you need to make sure that it actually connects to the rest of your narrative.

+ WreckWrack

+ Weloo

- Close

15:35 <TawnyOwlJones> hi!
15:36 <TawnyOwlJones> so, you've written a draft?
15:36 <Weloo> Yeah and I doubt it's "Good enough"
15:36 <Weloo> which is why I should've not immediately went for a draft and instead made an idea critique thread in the forums
15:36 <TawnyOwlJones> first drafts always have flaws. can you post your sandbox?
15:36 <Weloo> Alright
15:36 <Weloo> http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/an-idea-seeking-critique
An idea - SCP Sandbox III
15:37 <TawnyOwlJones> bear in mind i'm not critting your draft here, i'm trying to help you refine your idea for your forum thread
15:37 <Weloo> Yes, I understand
15:37 <TawnyOwlJones> awesome
15:38 <TawnyOwlJones> can you summarise your article in one sentence?
15:39 <Weloo> An Idea, concept for a new unnamed SCP (also number not decided)
15:40 <TawnyOwlJones> nope, your draft. what is your draft about? or, what are the most important parts of your draft? (I have read it, but you summarising it is the first step to creating your elevator pitch in your forum thread)
15:41 <Weloo> oh
15:42 <Weloo> Dang, is this is really where my mind suddenly goes blank
15:42 <TawnyOwlJones> that's okay
15:43 <TawnyOwlJones> so, from what i can see, you've got a shapeshifting humanoid entity that does ~things~
15:44 <TawnyOwlJones> what I don't see, is the point
15:44 <Weloo> Simply, yeah
15:44 <Weloo> The point of the SCP's existence or the point of why I "made" it?
15:44 <TawnyOwlJones> scp articles are short stories in the form of scientific articles. the central narrative section is a fairly detailed description of the main plot points in your story
15:44 <Weloo> Oh.
15:45 <TawnyOwlJones> the point of its existence; i'm not dragging you
15:45 <TawnyOwlJones> essentially, you're writing a story based around a anomaly and its interactions with the foundation
15:46 <TawnyOwlJones> how are the foundation affected by your anomaly? how do they react to it?
15:46 <TawnyOwlJones> have you read "How to Write an SCP"?
15:47 <Weloo> I have but I basically did everything in my mind so I didn't have "preparations" nor did I think about how it would affect the "story" it exists in
15:48 <Weloo> I think I'll try and make a story around it
15:48 <TawnyOwlJones> okay, so what story does it exist in?
15:49 <TawnyOwlJones> you have 400 words to write the last four sections of your forum thread. if you don't have a narrative in the forums, you'll probably get crit along the lines of "you don't really have a narrative; here's some questions to start you off". if you do have a narrative, you'll get crit on how to develop it.
15:50 <TawnyOwlJones> no idea is perfect initally, but you should go onto the forums with at least some idea of the story you want to write
15:50 <Weloo> I see. thank you.
15:51 <TawnyOwlJones> of course
15:51 <TawnyOwlJones> would you like some brainstorming questions?
15:51 <Weloo> As of right now, I'm writing a story around my conceptual SCP, lol
15:51 <TawnyOwlJones> rephrase?
15:51 <Weloo> uhh
15:52 <TawnyOwlJones> is this the same scp we're talking about rn?
15:52 <Weloo> yep, I'm writing a lore behind it and it's affiliation with the SCP, like how it was discovered, secured, before it was "captured and contained"
15:53 <Weloo> Then maybe I could have more context for myself to present it better
15:53 <TawnyOwlJones> narrative is "present-day" narrative. knowing backstory is maybe important, but it likely won't feature much in your article
15:53 <Weloo> it's affiliation/interaction with the SCP foundation*
15:53 <Weloo> Alirght.
15:54 <Weloo> Sorry, It's getting kind of late for me over here so I'm really tired, lol
15:54 <TawnyOwlJones> yes, how it interacts with the foundation
15:54 <TawnyOwlJones> that's okay! i would recommend sleeping before you keep trying to write things
15:54 <TawnyOwlJones> come back to it tomorrow, the mainsite will still be here
15:55 <Weloo> I think I'll come up of a general idea and then I'll get some sleep, thanks a lot for the help :D
15:55 <TawnyOwlJones> no problem! glad i could be of assistance :)
15:55 <Weloo> o/
15:56 <TawnyOwlJones> o/

+ BurntLightning

- Close

Hi!

I would really suggest cutting out the extremely-specific stuff here, even if it just makes your pitch more simple. You'll also have more words left to refine your narrative. (And don't blackbox things in your forum thread; remove them entirely if they aren't relevant.)

Your idea is fairly interesting, but there's also a lot of stuff happening.

Compulsion (i.e. when your anomaly makes your characters do stuff) isn't a particularly strong drive for your narrative, and it isn't interesting either. If you use it, it has to make sense and be written well. It may well be easier for you and better for your narrative to come up with a reason as to why your characters feel a need to attack people when in the presence of your anomaly.

Your anomaly in itself seems overcomplicated for no reason; you mention trance-states in your elevator pitch, but they don't feature at all in your narrative. Same goes for the earthquake. If an anomalous effect isn't relevant to your narrative, take it out. if it is relevant, make it so.

Essentially, you need to ensure that the things your anomaly does line up with what actually happens in the story, and also that it doesn't do too many things (and if it does multiple things. that they make sense together).

You can describe a situation in which a character tried to stab someone because they were affected by your anomaly, there's no inherent problem with that. It could end up being cliche, but, as long as the story is well-written and it makes sense in the context, it's fine. What you shouldn't do is write that the anomaly causes people to experience "rage states" and then not show that in relation to a character.

Like, I don't really care what your anomaly does. I do care what your characters do, and especially how the Foundation interact with your anomaly. Remember that the Foundation are writing your article in-universe. How do they perceive your anomaly?

The discovery, specifically the part about the earthquake, doesn't really sit right, it doesn't feel relevant; I would advise not including discovery logs where the discovery doesn't impact your narrative. The part where the police officer gets stabbed is relevant, so focus on that (the event) rather than the location.

How are you planning on ending your article?

Overall, I really like the idea. I think you need to make sure you detail the things the anomaly does and how it affects your characters and how your characters and the Foundation react to your anomaly and its effects. Refine the narrative and make it linear and you'll have something really solid here.

I hope that helps. Feel free to reply here or send me a tell in #thecritters if you have more to say.

Hi!

You haven't really changed much, beyond describing your anomaly more. Like I said previously, it doesn't really matter what the anomaly is or what it does; the Foundation's reaction/interaction is more important. Additionally, what narrative you could create from what you currently have would be extremely disjointed, because the events where your anomaly is present are all separate, rather than one continuous storyline. What are the main plot points in your story? Conflict and Conclusion are the most important.

The Foundation aren't really involved in your article at all, beyond containing the anomaly.

You mention test logs (or "testing", at least), but you don't explain what happens in those tests or what the Foundation is testing. Bear in mind test logs usually serve as extended descriptions of the anomaly rather than furthering the narrative as they should. They can be used successfully when testing one anomaly in different conditions, or testing variables in a separate part of an anomaly, but they still need to drive the narrative forward.

Feel free to reply here when you've thought of a vaguely-coherent storyline; I'm more than happy to keep critiquing your idea, despite being potentially harsh above. Good luck!

You can get access to the sandbox by going to #site17 in the IRC chat and asking staff for an invite.

Test logs don't work unless they further the narrative. Why are you crosstesting with those skips in particular? What do the test results tell us about your skip that we don't already know?

Read some Series V and VI articles. Actually, read a lot of Series V and VI articles. There's nothing inherently wrong with crosslinking or crosstesting with Series I but if you've never read anything else you won't get your tone/narrative correct in your article.

Generally, don't blackbox things. http://www.scpwiki.com/avoid-the-blackbox

Object Classes do not denote how dangerous an object is, just how difficult it is to contain. Your object is probably Safe Class, or some sort of esoteric class at a stretch; It's not Euclid. There's another thing called Risk Class, which is part of the ACS, which kind of denotes how "dangerous" an anomaly is. http://www.scpwiki.com/anomaly-classification-system-guide

As for your actual narrative, why the reclassification to Thaumiel? You could reclassify it to Thaumiel, have the Foundation try to use it for something, have that something go terribly wrong, and then classify it back to Safe. That's a kind of boring, quite cliche, bordering-on-making-the-Foundation-seem-incompetent scenario I thought up in about 10 seconds, but it is a complete narrative arc. Play around and see what you can make of it.

Link your sandbox here when you've figured out a narrative and I'll take another look.

+ KarlDraigo

- Close

Hi! (Summoned via IRC)

Format

If you're focusing on the anomaly's emotions from the perspective of the anomaly rather than focusing on how the Foundation perceive/interact with the anomaly, then a Tale format may well be an easier way to convey this. If you're focusing on the moral dilemma, then an SCP format is perfect. Remember that the Foundation is writing this document in-universe, so in an SCP article everything is filtered through their perspective to an extent.

Narrative

What is the significance of the anomaly being a squid (or at least squid-shaped)? How do the Foundation react to it looking like a squid? I don't just mean initially, I mean emotionally over time.

What is the history? What story is your anomaly telling here, and why is it important? Is it important, or is it a distraction? How does it influence the Foundation's moral dilemma? Do different characters pick up different parts of the story and use them in their arguments?

What conclusion do the Foundation come to, and why/how? What do they do about their decision? How are your readers supposed to feel about the ending?

Overall

Overall, I really like this idea and it's pretty clear you've thought a lot about it. I'd like to know more about the details (i.e. what the story will actually consist of, and a basic outline of the major plot points (although it's basically set up fine already)), and specifically about the conclusion.

I hope that helps. Feel free to reply here or send me a tell in #thecritters if you have more to say.

I don't think the history is particularly interesting. Like, it seems kind of generic? That being said, it is a complete narrative in itself and could easily be used to elicit emotion in one way or another. In terms of ideas critique, there's nothing much to say about the history itself, it's a solid backstory.

Plot points look good. You said in your initial post that the Foundation contained the squid for 10 years before their moral dilemma began. Are you planning on keeping that?

The plea is a nice touch, and I love the idea of having multiple endings. You could do it by using a collapsible for each ending and the reader can choose which one to open. You could also use supplement pages (and include the links in the O5 voting table, which might be cleaner than having random collapsibles) but that requires multiple uploads and I believe it also takes up multiple spaces in .lc, so it may not be preferable.

Hi!

The history is itself is not part of your core narratvie, really, and is therefore something you can consider in the draft stage.

I'm glad you're keeping the time distance, it makes more sense, I think, than just killing the squid instantly.

The hardest part about the multiple endings would be having to write them all. The actual formatting/code stuff is not particularly difficult. It's up to you what you do when you're writing.

Have a greenlight! I'm super excited to see what you make out of this! :)

+ Lord Snek

- Close

Hi! (Summoned via PM)

You haven't expanded on the narrative since Impperatrix and Zoobeeny critted it. There's still no story here.

You need to explain what the anomaly does in relation to the Foundation, and, like, how the Foundation react to that. Right now you've got an alien anomaly with superpowers, but it doesn't do anything.

What happens in your article after the Foundation contains your anomaly? How does it interact with the Foundation? What are your major plot points? What's the general tone of the article? What emotions are we supposed to feel? Etc etc etc.

Summoned via PM for a second look; hoping this isn't double-posting.

My first question here is, like, "what actually is your anomaly?" Is it the sarcophagus? How does your anomaly tie in with the missing people? Or is that an extraneous detail that doesn't actually lead to anything beyond the discovery of your anomaly?

If there's an unknown force affecting your anomaly, is that not the SCP? Or are the incidents actually the reactions rather than the cracks themselves?

If you're making your anomaly a prison, we should know what it contains. It would give the Foundation an incentive to keep repairing the anomaly (because if they know it's a world-ending entity imprisoned inside your anomaly they may well be inclined to keep it there).

There's definitely something here, but at the moment I'm not really interested. The Foundation are acting as a passive force and that means stuff is happening and they're watching it rather than them being actively involved in the containment and maintanence of your anomaly.

In regards to, like, XK-Class scenerios and Apollyon objects, it's very easy to fall into cliches. I would normally recommend against it entirely (especially for your first article) but you do have some sort of a narrative here. "Everyone dies" is very hard to write well, and will often result in an unsatisfying ending. Cliffhangers, too, are hard to write into SCP articles regardless of whether you intend to extend the storyline because it is often an excuse to leave a story without a conclusion. "Anomaly destroys the world" can be a conclusion, but you have to be very careful with it.

Overall, your narrative is existent, but it still needs work. You should consider the tone of your article here especially; what emotions do your characters feel and how do they manifest in your readers?

I hope that helps. Feel free to reply here or send me a Wikidot PM or a tell in #thecritters if you have more to say.

+ Lapiz Moon/Lapiz

+ kingmeatballs

+ tortila

+ Skylar Grace/Skylar

- Close

Hi!

There is a massive difference between 10k words and 20k words. If you don't know how long your draft will be, you don't need to state it. Tales are typically longer than SCP articles but 20k is huge. The longest on-site draft I've ever seen was 17.5k but it had a lot more happening than one continued interaction between two characters.

I have concerns about X-Man Syndrome with this but my main problem is that your story doesn't really lead anywhere. Like, we know why your anomaly is being tortured but that's the entire story.

Do the cult ever reach their goal? What are the consequences if they do? If they don't, how do they react? What happens beyond your character getting needlessly tortured? What happens to your character in the end? Does the Foundation interject? Why/why not?

How is your anomaly characterised? Who is she? What are her goals? Etc etc.

How does the cult leader's cognitohazard ability come into your story? What actually is the ability? I don't know much about cognitohazards/memetics but it doesn't seem to fit in here.

What emotions are your characters feeling and how is that projected onto how your readers are supposed to feel?

Your story is a slight twist on "thing that makes you go crazy". It's just not interesting at the moment. Try mapping out the events that take place in your story and how your characters react to them.

Good luck!

Summoned (via PM!) Sorry for the delay; I've had a lot of IRL stuff going on.

I'm getting to the point where I'm torn on this.

Your narrative is present. It might be a little disjointed in places, but you've mapped it out fairly well. You've still got to be careful with X-Man Syndrome, but you've got a character with a personality and if the focus is on the cult and their motives then it's barely an issue.

I think the main problem here is that it's on a much bigger scale than I enjoy reading. I'm generally not a fan of Apollyon stuff or 001s or thousand slots or long Tales that are heavy on the metaphysical lore. It's just not my thing.

That being said, it's clear you've made a lot of progress from where you were before. I'm pretty happy to greenlight you, but I highly recommend you seek out a critter who enjoys complicated, big picture, cult-y stuff more than I do.

I would also recommend using a spellchecker, and, like, googling idioms before you use them. Having good SPaG is generally a requirement if you want to do well on the site, and while reviewers can and will line-by-line crit the SPaG in your draft it's generally better to do it yourself first.

I hope that helps, and I wish you the absolute best of luck.

+ EclipsedShadowK/Shade

- Close

Hi!

You actually seem to have the start of a backstory (which is part of your central narrative) in your hook section; you just need to explain it in more depth.

Essentially, your narrative is just the things that happen in your story. What are your characters doing, and what emotions are they feeling? Like, start with how they react to being resurrected as catboys, then how they react to and interact with the Foundation.

You need a set up, a build up, a conflict, and a conclusion. You have drafts, so read your drafts, work out which storylines you want to keep, and pull them into one storyline.

Specifically, what happens in your characters' pasts? What is their relationship like in the past vs the present? How do the Foundation interact with your characters? You do need to tell more than a backstory, but you've already mentioned your characters' interactions with each other in containment; that's a narrative (or part of one, anyways). If you can explain all that here, then you'll get more substantial critique.

Remember that SCP articles are told from the Foundation's perspective. The Foundation views anomalies as objects, but that doesn't mean they can't be developed characters. (Especially since you mentioned in the IRC that they're contained together; why was that decision made and how does it further your narrative?)

I'm also slightly concerned that you might be basing this too much on the source material. I haven't seen Mozart L'opera Rock but I'm wondering how much of your backstory is taken from the musical. You may well encounter issues where readers can't understand your story without understanding where it comes from, and with an obscure source material that's probably not a good thing.

"18th Century composers get reincarnated as catboys" is a good idea. There's nothing wrong with it, as long as you write a story around it. Honestly, I think leaning away from the fanfiction (MLR) angle and making it your own story instead would be a better way to go about writing this.

Lay out your plot points here or message me in the IRC and I'm happy to take another look. Good luck!

Hi!

I'm still figuring a lot of stuff, especially in the direction of the story, so I'm kinda a bit scatterbrained at the moment. I keep making up new ideas and end up writing them if my brain likes it way too much, so I would still need to filter out some drafts here and there (and hopefully reduce the amount of random tidbits that were written on a whim)

There's nothing wrong with writing excess (i.e. stuff you don't plan to include in your current skip) about your own characters, but I would urge you to separate it from your current skip (e.g. by creating a different sandbox) because if you're trying to connect separate parts together rather than drawing lines to separate one whole story into plot plots you might end up with a very disjointed narrative. It's also testiment to the fact that you need to think more about what your specific plot points are; you can add/remove stuff in drafting, but if you have no idea what direction your story is going in then that's an issue.

I might figure out how their relationship differs from back then when they were musicians in 1780s Vienna compared to when they somehow ended up in the Foundation after more than 200 years.

How does their relationship differ? How does that affect their interactions with each other and with the Foundation? How does the Foundation's perception of your characters change?

I still need to somehow piece together how the rumour affected them, specifically one of the scips, greatly back then

This is your conflict!

How was the Foundation able to resolve the issues of "scip constantly blaming itself and being so emo about a murder that it didn't commit" and also "scip being very annoying on the site and keep breaking out just to see its friend who is also contained"

This is your conclusion!

Okay, so, I have an idea. Write this skip as an introduction to your characters. Reference how Celeri and Mozzarella are both contained separately from each other, bring up the rumour in an interview or whatever and have them react to it, show that they are reacting in very different, both problematic, ways, and then resolve it by containing them together.

That's a narrative, or the outline of one anyway, and that's what I think you're trying to write except you're also going too far and chaotic because you have like 50,000 drafts. You obviously don't have to stick rigidly to this outline I thought up in about 10 seconds if you don't want to (you are also welcome to), but it acts as an example of how to explain the outline of your narrative to reviewers. And then you add in the stuff about your catboys being chaotic emo dudes based on 18th Century musicians. I would 110% greenlight that.

Essentially, the problem here isn't the idea, it's how you're explaining it. Other reviewers may not want to look at your draft, or see the context from the IRC, so you need to be able to explain it in a clear and concise way. I will greenlight you if you explain your narrative in a coherent way.

I hope that helps!

Hi!

I tend to pair up stories that revolve around the same idea, despite it being mismatched and kinda disorganized (tho it follows some sort of timeline? idk). My drafts does look like a total nightmare and my brain making up spontaneous ideas is making it worse and ends up with me hording a bunch of ideas that stray away from the main plotline, so I have to find some way to reduce the amount of random tidbits to make my drafts a bit tidier.

The problem here isn't the writing or the disorganisation; it's that you're writing things outside of the narrative scope for this piece of work in the same area as this piece of work. You can use a different sandbox, or a tab for this draft and a tab for your other writings (probably use collapsibles, it keeps it tidy), or something else entirely, but keeping them together will increase the disorganisation and make it harder to write this current draft. Essentially you need to decide what story you are writing this time and stick to it. Don't overcomplicate the narrative by trying to fit something you wrote into your narrative that you like, even though it doesn't quite fit into this particular story. You can always write more mainsite works if you feel like writing other things that happen to your characters.

How their relationship differs is I read that the peeps Mozzarella and Celeri are based on is that they had a professional rivalry…

This entire section is good. It's pretty clear you've done your research.

Considering the fact that they're a pain in the ass, I had an idea that the staff aren't that able to tolerate them, especially Mozzarella…

This section is also okay. I'm really just thinking here about how you plan to show that they're a pain in the ass? I'm also wondering as to whether it's particularly relevant to this particular storyline? (See the point below about the narrative plot points)

As I've mentioned, they're probably a pain in the ass at first, but have gotten somewhat tolerable. Also, maybe after more evidences that make the infamous rumour debunked some more and a bunch of documentations of their interviews and such, at least some of the staff would be like "hm yeah, they're defs friends".

The second paragraph is what I was going for with this question. I meant about the Foundation's perception of Mozart and Salieri vs Mozzy and Celeri, rather than the Foundation's perception of Mozzy and Celeri changing over time; I should've worded the question better, but you appear to have answered it anyway.

I'm kinda actually liking this idea quite much, ngl >.>

You're more than welcome to use it. Regarding if you do decide to use it, then you maybe need to consider that the vast majority of the stuff about them being a pain in the ass perhaps isn't relevant beyond relating to their reactions to the rumour.

As I'm writing this, I'm considering that actually you could have them being annoying before the conflict, but it might dampen the emotional effect; like that they're just going from being annoying to being more annoying rather than experiencing a significant emotional change that results in them needing to be contained together.

Having them be assholes initially is a form of characterisation, but it may well mean that the emotional impact isn't as significant. You could have them demand to be contained together as their reactions instead, but that brings up other issues relating to "the Foundation does not just give anomalies what they want" and also historical accuracy, among other things. Play around with stuff (ask people in chat!) and see what works best.

I feel so bad about having difficulty and being terrible at explaining certain things, oh god. It doesn't help that I'm kinda embarrassed about it despite writing a lot about it in the drafts, oml- I really need some help in the explaining department. *winces*

Don't feel bad about struggling with writing stuff or articulating yourself; it is hard. If it's any consolation, I am also kind of embarrassed about the thing I'm writing atm, but it won't stop me from seeking critique when I'm ready for it.

As for helping with explanations, decide what narrative you want to use and lay it out like how I did before:

Set up: Celeri and Mozzarella are contained separately.
Build up: The rumour is brought up in the interviews.
Conflict: Celeri and Mozzarella each react in their different and problematic ways.
Conclusion: The Foundation resolve the problematic reactions by containing Celeri and Mozzarella together.

You can tailor this to however you want your narrative to pan out.

Then you add in important information:
- that they are catboy versions of 18th Century musicians
- describe what the rumour is for people who haven't heard of it and briefly explain the context
- explain briefly what Celeri and Mozzarella's reactions to the rumour are
- brief sentence regarding the change in their emotional conduct following being contained together

All of this explaining stuff goes in your central narrative section. Your hook should be whatever makes this story interesting to you, and your elevator pitch should ideally be one sentence with one comma explaining the main vibes of your story.

I'm contemplating greenlighting you here, but I think you still need to adequately explain the progression of your story (as above, or in a similarly-coherent way).

Hi!

For some reason, my brain isn't kinda liking the idea of them demanding to be together?

Me neither. I was just suggesting an alternative way you could possibly twist the ending without dampening the emotional impact. It's totally up to you what you actually decide to do with it.

Hm, would this work?

Yeah!

Got it. Revising their articles in my drafts.

I forgot to mention in the blockquote here that this stuff should probably be in full sentences in your central narrative section. It doesn't have to be but it just looks neater. In your draft you'll probably be showing their reactions rather than just saying that they reacted in a certain way, but here you can just state it.

Do I edit the original post or not?

Yes. You can edit it by using the blue "Options" button at the bottom-right corner of the original post. Once you've edited it, drop a reply here and I'll take another look (and probably give you a greenlight too). (Also mind the word limit. I don't think it will be an issue but you still need to stick to it.)

Hi!

How I would crit your current first post:

- How are your skips being problematic?
- What is their past like compared to now?
- What is the rumour, and what do they think about it?
- How was it dealt with?

This is all stuff we've already been over. You know what these details are. Don't have the same conversation with multiple different critters, it's a waste of time. Update the post to contain the details of your narrative so that your next critter is asking you mostly about specifics rather than big-picture stuff.

Set up: Celeri and Mozzarella are contained seperately and are already problematic
Build up: The rumour is brought up in interviews, they learn that they are contained in the same facility
Conflict: More problems arise such as Celeri and Mozarella's problematic, yet different reactions, Mozzarella started breaching containment, Celeri having less extreme, yet frequent breakdowns
Conclusion: The Foundation resolve the multiple issues by containing Celeri and Mozzarella together

This thing ^^^ that you wrote before can be copied and pasted into your central narrative section. Other reviewers are not required to read this conversation I'm having with you, so they don't know what your narrative is at the moment.

- that they are catboy versions of 18th Century musicians (you've done this one!)
- describe what the rumour is for people who haven't heard of it and briefly explain the context
- explain briefly what Celeri and Mozzarella's reactions to the rumour are
- brief sentence regarding the change in their emotional conduct following being contained together

Just to reiterate, this thing ^^^ that I wrote before should be answered in your central narrative section. With your first post, you shouldn't be trying to allude to the fact that you have a narrative, you should be telling the reviewers about your narrative and your characters and what specifically happens overall. All the details that you've told me in this conversation should be summarised in the first post. There is a word limit (400 words for the final four sections) but it's unlikely that you'll hit it.

Do I write it in their interviews and stuff?

Yes, if that's what you want to do.

Good luck!

Have a greenlight! I recommend sending this to somebody on the Butterfly Squad and throwing the link in chat. There may well be things I've missed or places where you haven't detailed specifics enough in the initial post but what other critters pick up on is up to them. You have solid characters and a solid narrative, you've made tons of progress from when you started, and you seem to know what you're doing. Good luck!

+ Dr T Law

(This is a reply to a previous crit from tawny-critique but I'm not rearranging both my crit sandboxes for this incredibly messy, long-ass critique.)

Essentially, SCP articles are stories. If you read some Series VI articles, you'll notice the difference between them and, say, a lot of Series I articles; they aren't just descriptions of things that do things anymore.

"who interacts?" no one anymore

Bluntly, this, as it is, is boring as all hell. Create a character who interacts with the anomaly, and use them as a reason why the Foundation don't interact with the anomaly anymore.

"what happens to them?" beyond saving and usually death

Also boring. If they are "beyond saving", how do you intend to communicate that to your readers? Who tries to save them, and what emotions do they experience? There's nothing inherently wrong with using death as a plot point but we (your readers) should be given a reason to care about your characters' deaths. "Thing that kills you" is way overdone. Regardless, this question was more about what happens to the character when they interact with your anomaly. You said it "takes over their minds" but you didn't specify what actually happens.

"are there people immune yo the anomaly's effect?" no

Cool.

"how does the foundation interact with your anomaly?" They keep it in containment and are never allowed to take it out

Hmm… supposedly fine, but remember that SCP articles in-universe are connected collections of information about and interactions with an anomaly. If no one in the Foundation interacts with the anomaly, your narrative is in the past and it can feel dry and/or disjointed.

but i don't quite understand most of the rest you've said (yes i am very new to this and not that good at writing stories)

That's okay; you'll get better with practice and critique, that's the point. I can explain my questions.

How do the Foundation interact with the characters possessed by the anomaly?

This is a relay of the above, where I mentioned the possibility of having characters who were/are possessed by the anomaly? What sorts of things is the Foundation looking to learn about your anomaly and the people it possesses?

How do your characters react to the Foundation?

Likewise, how do your characters respond to the Foundation researching the anomaly? If they're possessed, you can assume it's actually the sword talking. You can (should) also consider their physical actions here; what does the sword actually make them do, beyond killing them? What emotions are they feeling? What emotions are your readers supposed to feel?

I do feel like either my idea i originally posted does leave a LOT to be imagined and I do want to point i could explain more with my draft

Do not send me your draft. What you can do is take pieces of your draft that show the overarching parts of your narrative (and put them in a reply here). What are the most important parts of your draft and how do they further your narrative towards a logical conclusion? Don't leave anything to be imagined.

also sorry for taking so long to respond

No worries! We all have irl lives too.

Overall, you need to think about the main plot points in your story. Set up, build up, conflict, conclusion. Conflict (obstacles your characters need to overcome) and conclusion (your characters' resolution; what they do after the conflict) are the most important.

I hope that helps.

+ mailstorming

- Close

Hi!

This is a cool idea! I do have a couple questions though.

Who are the characters your anomaly interacts with? How are each of their interactions different from that of the other characters? What emotions are they feeling in regards to a cassette tape flirting with them, in comparison to the anomaly's emotions?

I'm interested in how you're planning to show the interactions between the Foundation personnel and the anomaly. What information are you providing your readers in each of your interview logs and how does it further the narrative?

Additionally, the Foundation looks after their anomalies (cold not cruel, etc). How are you planning on writing this so it doesn't seem like the Foundation is intentionally abandoning the anomaly, and is instead doing what they think is beneficial for both them and it?

Seeing gradual change in the anomaly's emotional state in conjuction with the shortening tape through the perspective of the Foundation would be really interesting. You would be showing "both sides" except both sides would be tinted through the lens of one side. Mostly, I'm just emphasising that you need to be showing your anomaly's emotions spiralling as well as the Foundation's perceptions of its songs.

The hook is referencing early on within the article how testing is currently in indefinite suspension to draw interest as to why that’s the case.

Eh. There's nothing inherently wrong with this but there is a line between foreshadowing and ruining the ending. Be careful with it.

I don't know if you're allowed to reference real-life songs. I would recommend asking in #site17 in the IRC.

Good luck!

Hi!

0th will explain how the original owner came into possession of the tape and such which also relays some of the backgrounds of the tape (who made it, where it was, etc).

This can probably go into the description, or potentially a discovery log if you feel so inclined. Having multiple interviews is fine, but the contents of each interview should need to be in an interview. If you can just tell the information in one sentence, it doesn't need to be another interview. Keep it concise.

it will be instead that the anomaly can't be kept within a cassette player

This… kinda changes your narrative. If the anomaly is completely inactive when not in a cassette player then the Foundation could just leave it in a locker without facing any kind of moral or ethical issues. If you're going to do it so it originally had access to a cassette player at all times and then it didn't, that might make the Foundation seem cruel; whereas if it's active all the time but decides to stop talking on its own, you get the emotion without the ethical issues. It's something that requires some brainstorming, methinks.

I'm thinking I may put this idea on the back burner and do something else for my first SCiP so I can get more acquainted with the format and figure out how to properly handle a subject such as this as I think I'll need more planning to execute it properly.

That is more than fine. Read a lot of Series VI skips (getting in the IRC can help with that) and write up another idea when it comes to you. You've clearly thought a lot about this one, so I'm pretty willing to give you a greenlight, regardless of whether you ever choose to write it. (You can also get more crit using #thecritters in IRC and/or by asking somebody on the Butterfly Squad, which I highly recommend you do, even if you don't plan on writing the draft for this idea immediately.)

Chat guide is here. Reading all the tabs a couple times and registering your username should only take about 30 minutes and it's really not as complicated as it seems.

I wish you the absolute best of luck.

+ Petdoc1991/Petdoc2021

- Close

Hi! Summoned (via IRC!)

You don't really have a narrative here. I'm vaguely interested in, if also confused by, the idea, but it's nothing more than an idea at the moment, and what you do have is very crowded.

Like, is the lighthouse gathering data in order to find the conditions to create a utopia, or is the world a simulation created by the lighthouse? If it's the first one, or both, you need to be incredibly careful that you don't end up saying "eugenics is good, actually". What makes a utopian world, for you?

Moreover, how do the Foundation react to the anomaly and the situation it creates? What are they doing specifically? What are your major plot points? Etc. How are you planning on ending this?

You've mentioned the discovery and stuff about different GoIs having information about the anomaly, but it doesn't really lead anywhere. What are the specific implications of the various GoIs having access to this anomaly?

This allows the foundation to study the information that the entity has gathered.

What information specifically? Why does it matter and what do the Foundation discover from studying it? How does the information they learn from studying the anomaly influence their actions in the larger narrative?

I hope that helps. Feel free to reply here or send me a .tell in the critters if you have answers to my questions and/or more to say.

Hi!

You've changed this a lot since I last critted it but you still haven't really explained the narrative. There's a lot going on in your first post; you talk a lot about what the skip could do theoretically, but not much about what it actually does in your story. I am certainly more interested in the premise than I was before, but reading the thread I have no idea where you plan to take this story.

You say about logs and documents coming from GoIs in the central narrative section, but you don't actually say what the contents of those documents is. Like, what is explained about its past; what sites does it visit and why those sites specifically and what does it do there; what is its purpose and how does its actual purpose differ from the Foundation's/GoIs' perception of it and its purpose?

I like the idea of including GoIs. You still need to talk about their actual perceptions of the anomaly and how they differ from that of the Foundation though, and also why the GoIs' perception of the anomaly matters to the Foundation.

My primary narrative can be that while life may have no intrinsic meaning, one can make their own and the second is dealing with grief and loss.

This isn't a narrative, they're just themes. They can work as themes, but the narrative has to imply them. I'm not getting either of these themes out of what you've written so far.

I feel like this would benefit from being streamlined so I have an exercise for you: describe each plot point in one sentence (maximum one comma per sentence). Ideally you should have at least a set up, a build up, a conflict, and a conclusion, but you can also add more points as long as they are connected and followed-through.

Hi!

You've got the structure laid out fairly well here. The actual content is a bit… random? I think it's because there's not enough detail in places and things that seem non-sensical or out of place.

tracking its movements

Does it move? Why are the movements significant to your story?

prototype

Prototype of what?

take the prototype and repurpose it to contact the entity

It already does this. You said before that the prototype is designed to contact the entity so why is Dr. Q repurposing it?

analyze their biological data to determine if

To determine if what?

Upon discovering the world is a simulation

You don't previously state that the world is a simulation. You state that SCP-XXXX creates simulations of end-of-world scenarios, but that doesn't mean that the world is currently a simulation or that it will ever be one. If you want to imply this, you need to specify that the lighthouse actively affects the world, rather than that it's just interested in what the world is doing and how it could end.

Dr. Q has found new purpose to either exit the program or end it.

What does this actually mean? What is the difference between exiting the program and ending it? This also isn't really a conclusion as it's written here. Having Dr. Q either exit or end the program would provide a conclusion, even without explaining what the consequences of their actions were (because the consequences can be implied earlier on in the story). You also don't follow through on the salvation/damnation idea. Does the lighthouse seek salvation or damnation or something else for humanity? Why?

+ EnderDragon101

+ Researcher Kilroy

- Close

Hey, so, um… you're not really giving us much to work with here.

SCP articles are stories disguised as scientific reports. To create a story, you need a narrative arc and you need characters. To create an SCP article specifically, you also need an anomaly and the Foundation should feature beyond the discovery of the anomaly. You don't currently have any of that.

What is the point of the maze? How is it even anomalous? What is the difference between your maze and the one I hypothetically decided to build just now?

Once you've got an anomaly, you need characters. Who interacts with your anomaly? Especially, how do the Foundation interact with your anomaly?

Narrative arc-wise, you need a set up, a build up, a conflict, and a conclusion. SCP articles aren't just things that do things anymore, and they were never just "we found this regular thing in the desert".

Make the maze anomalous, and build a story around it. Explain how it is anomalous and what your characters do and what the Foundation does and what the story is to your reviewers and you might stand a chance of getting greenlit.

Also, what is it a reference to? Using references is usually fine as long as you don't 1) copy them directly and 2) base your entire article on understanding the reference. I would generally lean away from it but if the reference is just "mazes exist in other media and also in my article" then it's fine.

Also also, you don't appear to have a sandbox, which is what we use here to write our drafts. You can ask for an invite to the sandbox site in #site17 on the IRC.

I hope that helps. Feel free to reply here when you've fleshed out your idea. I'm also around in #thecritters a lot if you want real-time feedback.

Hello.

SCP articles are stories, friend. If you read some Series V and VI articles, especially, you will notice they have narratives/plotlines/storylines/whatever you want to call them. They are stories about anomalous objects/people/places written in a particular format. Most people here don't find it interesting to read about anomalies just existing in-universe anymore, they want more than that. Characters, interactions, emotions, etc.

To reiterate:

SCP articles are stories disguised as scientific reports. To create a story, you need a narrative arc and you need characters. To create an SCP article specifically, you also need an anomaly and the Foundation should feature beyond the discovery of the anomaly. You don't currently have any of that.

You don't have an anomaly yet, let alone a story. If you're unsure about characters/setting/plot points/etc, start by at least explaining to me how the maze is anomalous.

+ succulemon/succulentlemon

+ nakumi mosada

- Close

Hi!

A couple things:

1) You need an elevator pitch. A couple sentences that summarises your article. What is your article about?
2) The current range for SCP articles is 001-5999. 7001 will not be open for quite some time. You can use XXXX as a placeholder if you wish.
3) You haven't provided enough information here. I don't know what your anomaly is, I don't know what it does, I don't know what the story is, etc. You need to explain your idea in full here.
3a) If you have a draft you're looking to get reviewed and you don't want to seek greenlights or ideas critique, you can go to the IRC and ask there (although there's no guarantee anybody will crit a non-greenlit draft).

Bouncing off of 3): What is your anomaly? What are its properties and behaviours? Who are your characters and how do they interact with your anomaly? What are the major plot points in your story? Where do the Foundation come into this, beyond containing your anomaly?

I hope that helps. Feel free to reply here with answers to my questions and/or if you have more to say.

Hi!

My article is about a sentient computer virus that possesses devices and causes general mayhem.

What specific mayhem does it cause? What specifically is it doing to cause problems for the Foundation? How do the Foundation resolve it?

SCP-XXXX is basically a computer virus that travel on sound-waves and can possess electronic devices.

I don't know much about computer viruses but I'm pretty sure they don't travel on sound waves. If that's the anomalous part of your virus (since computer viruses aren't inherently anomalous), you need to explain how it travelling on sound waves is important to the story.

It is not hostile, but does sometimes cause injury, with one recorded death.

It sounds hostile. What were the details of the death and injuries, and how do you plan to detail them in your draft? (i.e. what format?)

Kept on a COMPUTER.

If the virus is stored on a computer, does it not have the potential to spread to other devices? Or does it require human input to travel?

My main issue with this is that computer viruses aren't inherently anomalous. If you don't have an anomaly and a narrative, it's not an SCP article.

To reiterate the questions from my previous reply:

1) Who are your characters and how do they interact with your anomaly? What are the major plot points in your story?
2) Where do the Foundation come into this, beyond containing your anomaly?

Remember that how the Foundation interact with your anomaly is generally more important than what the anomaly does.

You also need to read some Series VI skips to see how narratives work in the format.

Good luck!

Hello again.

Questions you have not answered:

(The ones about the Foundation are bolded because they are probably the most important, but I would like it if you could answer all of them.)

1) What specifically is your anomaly doing to cause problems for the Foundation?

2) How do the Foundation resolve it?

3) What were the details of the death and injuries, and how do you plan to detail them in your draft? (i.e. what format?)

4) Who are your characters and how do they interact with your anomaly?

5) Where do the Foundation come into this, beyond containing your anomaly?

6) What are the major plot points in your story? (You need a set up, a build up, a conflict, and a conclusion; the answers to questions 1+2 are the conflict and the conclusion respectively.)

New questions:

For example, it does likes to trigger random devices at random times, typically causing the owner to trade the device or sell it thinking it is broken.

7) What does it get out of this? Why does it do it?

8) What is SCP-XXXX-A?

9) How does Phalanx contain the virus?

10) How does the virus travel on sound waves? If somebody speaks near a computer it's on, what happens? Etc.

P.S.:

The SCP Wiki is not in any way affiliated with Containment Breach, and most people here don't play it. I believe CB have their own website, if that's your thing.

I respect your right to be a casual fan, and if you enjoy CB that's cool, but if you want to write for the mainsite I recommend reading Series V and VI more than Series I. Series I is okay but it doesn't represent the site's writing standards anymore.

Hello.

1) I'm not sure what class your anomaly would be, but Object Classes don't denote threat or danger, just ease of containment. Also the Foundation contain anomalies because they're anomalous, not because they're dangerous. That's kinda the point of literally everything they do? This also isn't the answer to the corresponding question. What specifically is your anomaly doing to cause problems for the Foundation?

2) Okay, so how can you show the process of the Foundation containing the anomaly? How do they come to the conclusion that they can't make noise around the anomaly?

3 + 8) You haven't answered 3 because I asked you to explain the details of the death and the other injuries, which you haven't done. Explain to me how Dr Kye dies. What does the anomaly explicitly do to kill them? You also seem to have misunderstood how SCP articles work? SCP-XXXX-A denotes either a part of an anomaly that functions separately or separate anomalous instances created by the original anomaly (headcanons differ); it's not the title of your addendum. Additionally, SCP articles are Tales, they're just in a specific format (you're still telling a story here, not just describing an anomaly).

4) Okay, but you said before about Dr Kye. They're a character, and they interact with the anomaly. So what do they do? Why are they interacting with the anomaly? What happens to them?

5) I'm interested by this answer because it is a backstory but it seems like you've gone from "it's just vibing on a computer" to "it's extremely harmful" without an explanation as to why it does those things. What drives it?

6) So remember when I said before that the answers to 1+2 were your conflict and your conclusion? The conflict here is that the anomaly kills Dr Kye, the conclusion is that the Foundation contain the anomaly. The addendum seems random and disjointed, like you're using it as an excuse to write a non-specific death (my anomaly is the most dangerous etc etc) rather than as a way to further the story.

7) Ideas crit is a place where you can change your mind about your anomaly and your narrative. If you want your anomaly to be hostile, it can be, but it has to be hostile for a reason. Essentially, if it's causing problems, it's doing it for a specific reason, and you need to know what that reason is, because it changes the direction of your narrative.

9) Cool; wacky tech is fine probably.

10) I am not a scientist either and I don't know how those words fit together but as long as you know what you're doing then go for it I guess.

11) You are welcome. Zyn beat me to it, but I am not a staff member. I agree with you that some people are toxic but if you are referring to specific people (especially experienced reviewers and/or staff members) I suggest you don't do that.

+ Zero Draws

+ TreeGirl

- Close

Hi! (Summoned (via PM!))

Panic leads to normally peaceful civilians committing cruel and ruthless behavior.

What behaviour specifically? What do they do, and why does it matter to your readers? Is it just generic chaos, or do we have time to get to know the characters and care about them hurting each other?

This sort of leads onto my next question about perspectives. If it's from Quo's perspective, you can afford to be vague about the chaos the passengers are causing, provide a few examples and you're probably good. If it's from the passengers' perspectives, you'd need to be more specific and it risks making the narrative disjointed.

The second would be from passengers whom detail their experiences from an outside experience, giving us an insight into Quo’s behavior from and external perspective.

I'm kind of torn on this. On one hand, the passengers' experiences and emotions are an interesting part of this story and would allow your readers to empathise with the passengers, but I think maybe writing this as Quo's story might work better? It provides a singular focus, and would likely prevent your narrative from becoming disjointed from including too many perspectives. If you can explain what specific experiences you plan to write in the second perspective and how they connect to Quo's point of view then I might change my mind?

Also, which characters (passenger characters) are you following? How are they characterised? How do they feel about being stuck on the ship and left to die? How do they feel about Quo?

I'm also wondering about the Foundation. Is it one specific researcher writing the document in-universe, or just the Foundation in general?

This is set out incredibly well, and it's an interesting story; you've clearly thought a lot about it. Other than the things mentioned above, I can't really fault it. If you can provide answers to my questions then I'll happily greenlight you.

Hi!

I think the perspective is really down to personal preference, and if you're confident in writing a story with multiple perspectives that won't end up disjointed then I commend you. You can always play around with it in the draft stage if you happen to decide it doesn't feel right.

The actual riot itself is never explicitly mentioned at first but rather hinted at by Quo's logs and Foundation reports of internal damage to the ship that seems to be intentionally inflicted.

I'm not sure about this. On one hand, tension. On the other hand, what are you planning on filling the gap with? Because you have Quo deciding to tell the passengers they're all going to die and then you have the riot, but if we don't know about the riot until later then there's a space in between that may well exist as a surplus. I could see the Foundation reports working well here to allude that something bad has happened without specifying, but I'm not sure why Quo wouldn't write explicitly about the riot as it was happening.

Passenger 2

I'm curious as to where Passenger 2 comes into the story. You mentioned that Passenger 1's son dies which gives me some insight into what purpose she serves beyond as a counterpoint to Quo's tone, but you haven't done the same for Passenger 2. What insight does Passenger 2 provide for the Foundation and for your readers? What does he tell us that Quo and Passenger 1 don't?

Hi!

a redacted researcher

I don't like this. Blackboxing can be good, but nowadays names generally don't get blackboxed at all. If they do, it's usually not because they aren't relevant, but instead to hide their identities. The solution here would probably be to keep the report anonymous entirely; don't even mention a name, just state the hypothesis as part of the report. Or you can have this researcher writing all the reports (which is a form of characterisation in itself).

Other than the above, which is a very minor detail that mostly revolves around personal preference and can be modified in the draft stage anyway, this looks really good. Have a greenlight. I wish you the absolute best of luck with this and I hope it goes well. Please feel free to get back to me if you have any more questions.

+ Chicken07

- Close

Hi! Thanks for replying!

Hmm. I'm kinda torn on this?

I'm unsure what's happened with the timeline ("1953", specifically), since it would make more sense for the ritual to be ancient and the carnival to be its modern replacement, since Albert is a ghost and all. Unless it's a cult attempting to revive the tradition? But then you might end up falling into horror movie devil-worshipper tropes and over-complicating your narrative. Midsommar is a pretty good representation of a modern-day Pagan cult based on ancient practices, if you do want to go down the cult line.

With the timeline, it's worth remembering that while Paganism is an ongoing religion it existed pre-Christianity and not a lot is actually known about it from that time, so you can probably get away with making up your own festivals if you really want to. There is probably not any issue with depicting human sacrifice as a Pagan practice, but you probably need to make sure it's depicted as a sacred ritual with explicit spiritual consequences and a reason for doing it rather than something just done to be evil or whatever. It does depend on the perspective that you're taking but essentially, check with somebody else and do some googling, you should be fine as long as you are not vilifying or making fun of, especially modern, Pagan practices in general. (By all means vilify cults, but also recognise that cults are bad because they are cults not because they are of a certain religion)

It's important to look at the time in which the ritual is being performed. Hundreds of years ago there were different standards in many different religions, whereas today human sacrifice is usually considered to be murder, regardless of the religion or cult it takes place in. Consider what the Foundation would think about the ritual and reflect that in your writing.

I'm unsure about the bulls. Distressed bulls that have horns are probably just going to impale you, rather than wait to have a person tied to them. Also horns probably wouldn't have particularly good grip on a rope? Idk about that bit, really. Logistically, it's probably better to tie him to their legs? Additionally, having your limbs torn off is functionally just traumatic amputation, as far as I can tell, so it's unlikely Albert would die instantly? These are just minor details, but this scene seems to be a big part of your plot so they're worth thinking about.

She must, as her reputation here is ruined.

Why would getting pregnant in Scotland in 1992 ruin her reputation?

As for the Foundation's involvement in this, I want to know more about the interview. Albert is your anomaly, right? So while it works well that your conclusion is the Foundation looking for his child, they would also be interested in him. What part of the story are you planning on having him tell the Foundation directly? You could instead make the child the anomaly, and just have Albert as the storyteller, which may well actually work better since the child would be mentioned from the beginning.

The story ends with the ghost in containment at one of the various SCP facilities.

I don't like this. I'm not usually a fan of having an open ending, but I think you have a solid enough story here to have the ending point towards the Foundation continuing their search for the child. At the moment, Albert doesn't really serve a purpose to the Foundation beyond telling them about the backstory and about the child. Whether or not he's in containment at the end of the story isn't a huge detail, and it doesn't really matter.

Overall, you've got a solid backstory and you bring the Foundation into it in the modern day. The stuff above is mostly just minor details about setting and specifics. Clarify those things/acknowledge it's something you'll consider when drafting and I'm happy to greenlight you.

Hello!

Randall was given Anesthetics

The word you are looking for here is "amnestics". The amnestics "guides" (actually essays) are here and here.

You've got a complete, fleshed-out narrative here and I'm pretty confident you know what you're doing. Have a greenlight!

Good luck!

+ SallyBee

- Close

Summoned (via IRC!)

Hi! Sorry for the wait.

(Potentially-harsh crit contained within)

I'm gonna be harsh here and say I'm not really feeling this. It doesn't seem to differ from Narcissus' story, which means it's basically just a "thing that makes you kill yourself" with the add-on of being an already-existing story.

I want the character study of the agent to be the main meat of the article complete with a recovery log, interview, and personal journal entries.

I'm interested in all of this ^^^ but you haven't provided any of the details. Like, I want to care about your agent, but I just don't. Currently they're just a way to show that your skip uses compulsion to kill people, rather than an actual person in themselves.

Why does your skip kill people? What's the point? What do the Foundation find interesting about it? What character development are you planning on utilising so that your readers actually care when your agent dies? What does the agent do beyond dying? Why is your agent there in the first place? What are the other cases?

Basically you have the potential to make something really cool out of this but you currently aren't doing that.

I hope that helps. Feel free to reply here if you have answers to my questions and/or more to say.

Hi!

I absolutely want there to be a way to recover from the effects.

Do people require repeated exposure to the skip before they drown? Or is it based on the amount of time spent in contact with the skip? i.e. if your agent is removed from contact with the skip, do they recover?

NPD

NPD is a heavily-stigmatised disorder. Be careful to portray it respectfully and to not vilify people who are affected by it irl. I saw fairydoctor linked a subreddit about narcissistic abuse, but it should be made very clear that NPD does not make people inherently abusive, and that not all abusers have NPD. Remember that disabled people are more likely to be abused than to abuse people. Abuse should be heard, and abusers vilified, but should not be generalised; it's ableist. (Hit me up in IRC if you want clarification on this)

Narcissus' Revenge on the world

This is what I was looking for for the questions about why your skip kills people and what the point is. This will work well as an underlying drive, but you should probably hint at it in your draft.

I'm going to make the daffodils moveable…

This entire section leads me to the question "What do the Foundation use it for?" Also, if Narcissus' daffodil is still able to communicate with people to an extent, are the others also able to communicate in their original forms? Or do they all become identical to Narcissus?

I wanted to keep the concept short and sweet

I recommend adding the important details to your original post. A lot of the stuff you mention in this reply is core central narrative progression stuff. This link: http://www.scpwiki.com/forum/t-13369776/how-do-i-remain-brief-when-writing-an-scp-concept is pretty cool if you ever end up writing another one of these forum threads.

The above point is stricken out because I'm giving you a greenlight, but it's something to keep in mind if you make more ideas threads. The other stuff is things to consider in drafting, but feel free to reply here or ping me in IRC if you have more to say.

+ Novius Aengelhjem/NAengelhjem

- Close

Hi!

This is instantly reminding me of Stephen King's Needful Things, a book I have not read but have heard the synopsis of many, many times. The basic premise is trading your soul for things you desire. It also reminds me of a lot of other things because while your idea isn't exactly the same, it still plays on common tropes. Regardless of whether an idea is unique or not, you still need a narrative, but without an original idea the skip itself will also have to stand out.

My main question here is who are your characters? Who interacts with your skip, and how, and what are the implications?

How do the Foundation come into this story, beyond just containing the anomaly? How the Foundation interacts with the anomaly is more important than what the anomaly does.

You seem to have a lot going on here and I can't help but feel you're overcomplicating your idea. Having your skip breach containment or attack other skips would be a conflict point, but unless it happens for a reason it's not super interesting. Crosslinking in this might end up being complicated, and I wouldn't recommend it for your first skip, but it's not impossible if it's something you feel will further your narrative.

An exercise for you:
- Explain each plot point in your story in one sentence each (one comma per sentence maximum). You should at the very least have a set up, a build up, a conflict, and a conclusion.

Don't blackbox in your ideas thread. If the information is irrelevant, take it out. If it's relevant, tell us. More info on blackboxing here.

Hi! (Summoned via PM)

Researcher interviews the operatives who recovered the jinn upon arrival to Jinn was disoriented with a static charge and promptly detained before transportation to site 42

On one hand, this is all discovery stuff. What's the contents of the interview? Could you condense the contents of the interview into a discovery log? Why is it important that the researcher specifically is interviewing people? (We can presume she's writing the document in-universe.)

On the other hand, using an interview here (i.e. fairly near the beginning of the document) would introduce the researcher character as somebody who is invested in the jinn's case from the beginning.

he suspects the jinn had killed them simultaneously

Why does the jinn kill them all simultaneously? Does it always do this? What is particularly significant about the child's corpse found by the shrine in comparison to the rest of the corpses?

Jinn interacts with subjects and results are recorded

Which subjects? (Who are your characters?) How do they interact with the jinn? What does the jinn do in the recordings? What are the results?

Researcher is perplexed by the jinn's actions

Why? They already presumed it kills people so why are they confused that it killed someone?

during a log, her communicator starts relaying a sequence of words: "Home", "Child", "Kill", "Catch", "Sorry"

What's the significance of these words? What do they follow through to?

She reviews logbooks recovered from the site detailing interactions between the villagers and the jinn

Are the logbooks from the village? Who was keeping them? What are the interactions? Obviously CURSED is the important one here, but how are you going to make CURSED's request stand out from the rest of the villagers'? Additionally, you don't really follow through on the idea about material wealth, which you probably should be doing because it's important to your story.

Researcher interrogates the jinn regarding that specific log

What does she ask it?

she discovers the nature of the jinn's ability

What is the nature of the jinn's ability?

researcher empathizes with the jinn

Why? What reason does the researcher have to empathise with the jinn? What does it offer her?

she is threatened with reassignment pending a psychiatric evaluation

Probably more accurate here to say that she was reassigned, or that at the very least taken off the case.

researcher is pronounced terminated and her name is expunged from logs.

The thing with this, as well as being a kind of weak ending, is that SCP articles aren't always told chronologically. Even if her name is expunged from the logs at the end of the story out-of-universe, it would be expunged from the entire document in-universe, starting with the conprocs. This means your readers won't know her name, which means it's harder for them to empathise with her. Also I hate blackboxing so it would probably kinda kill it for me.

Overall, this is looking better than it was before. You've got a solid narrative structure here. I'm not sure about the ending, but I've expressed my concerns above. Having a discovery log near the beginning of the article seems a little strange but if it works to further your narrative then it doesn't matter. You can easily move it when you're drafting if you feel the need to.

The questions here are really just about important details within the narrative, because you've got the structure. If you answer them I'll consider greenlighting you.

Hi! (Summoned via PM)

Yes, the researcher is invested in this particular SCP since the first day, my first thought was to make the discovery log "Audiolog 0". Later I decided against it as the scene playing out in my head sounded too informal. I thought I had removed it from the list, but I must have forgotten.

Remember that the format isn't something you have to decide during ideas crit and then stick to; you can change things when you're drafting. Having the researcher be invested from the beginning is a good idea; how are you currently planning on showing that?

It was late and I had been pulling all-nighters for three days to make sure I had something acceptable.

Not related to the story but please look after yourself. Don't burn out over an ideas thread; take your time.

The child's corpse is significant because it's within proximity to the jinn itself.

What does this imply? Why is this child specifically in such close proximity to the jinn, when the rest of the villagers aren't? I'm just thinking that this is something you could focus on, but you don't mention it beyond the discovery log. (EDIT: if CURSED is the child, disregard this)

The reason why the jinn kills all of them cannot be revealed at the beginning

What is the reason though? Because you don't mention it later on in your first post (which is why I asked). Ideas threads are meant to show the whole story, not just allude to it. (EDIT: You answer this later on the reply; disregard.)

but I can tell you that it does not always do this.

So what does it usually do? And why is this time different? (EDIT: You answer this later on the reply; disregard.)

While yes the jinn can kill, it doesn't when it first arrives. Instead, it does something else, something they didn't expect. Instead of death, they are simply aged in correspondence to a wish. The researcher notes that not all subjects had a wish granted.

This is what I was looking for. In your first post you imply that the jinn kills people every time, even though that's not the case. I think you need to specify that the villagers die because of CURSED, rather than because they interacted with the jinn.

The researcher is confused because it was recorded that the jinn was something that would kill everything, but this is the first recorded death in almost two weeks since she was assigned to it. I'd like to think this kind of activity would confuse anybody.

In light of the previous point, this now makes sense.

The logs that could be salvaged listed curing lethal illnesses, having an abundant harvest, or even protection from natural disasters.

Yeah, I just wanted examples here. Cool.

Why was he kicked out? "Greed"

Is CURSED the child? That would make a lot of sense, but it's not something I would've guessed from your first post.

It's a tricky question to answer with single-word responses. The researcher will likely find a new device to use for communication.

I'm torn on this, consistency-wise. I agree it will be hard to tell the story in one-word/other short answers, but if you could use the questions to imply the answers for the previous interview then you can also do it for the other interviews. It's also totally possible to use other forms of communication if you feel it's easier and explains the situation better.

I liked the idea of leaving it a mystery to the reader, but I can change it if that would be better.

Showing that the researcher wishes to be with the jinn without showing what specifically happens to her is fine, and probably good, actually. With the ending, you do need to imply (probably state) that something happens to her, beyond wishing to be with the jinn. How do the Foundation react to her breaking protocol so severely? Termination, like you mentioned before, is a possible route, but a lot of people don't like it. I would be more in favour of the Foundation terminating her for breaking protocol than of the jinn killing her for no reason.

The point you referenced here about the researcher being reassigned is before she wishes to be with the jinn forever, according to your first post. ("she is threatened with reassignment pending a psychiatric evaluation" —> "she breaks protocol to visit the jinn anyway" —> "in a panic, she accidentally wishes to always be with it") Her being taken off the case rather than just threatened with it makes more sense when it comes to breaking protocol.

My original intention was to make the reader curious about who she was, but if that takes away from relating with the character then I won't do that.

Yeah I honestly think blackboxing her name isn't worth it. Ask people when you get to draft crit though. If you do choose to have the researcher terminated by the Foundation, expunging her name from the logs is possible but it might take away from the emotional connection and make the article harder to read (because blackboxing creates a break in the visual field). You do have a solid narrative though so perhaps blackboxing her name would create a sense of mystery. It's up to you.

I'm pretty happy with this, to be honest. I think cleaning up your first post to remove any surplus information and add in the important details would benefit you.

As long as CURSED is the child in the discovery log and you state that and all the other narrative details here in your first post, I'm more than happy to greenlight you. (You don't have to use the one sentence thing if you don't want to, but I still recommend keeping it succinct.)

(Places where there are EDITs especially are things you can and should include information on in your first post. Explaining CURSED's narrative arc is important because it's a huge part of your story.)

Hi!

researcher is amnestied and demoted to trainee for 5 years

I like this. There's a headcanon that D-Class get amnesticised every 30 days but I've never seen it applied to a researcher. There's also getting demoted to D-Class, which isn't really written or received well anymore, but this is an interesting play on it and I'm excited to see how it works out for you.

surprise message at bottom directed at researcher (for closure of her story)

What is the contents of the message? Who is it from? What closure does it provide?

Hi!

I like the idea of having a message left for Audrey for when she is Level 3 but I can't help but feel it would be difficult to introduce this character in full so late on in the story. If Audrey already interacts with him following the demotion, there's no reason in-universe for him to introduce himself to her in the message, but out-of-universe your readers don't know who he is. Having him explain that he intervened in her fate is probably enough, but if you're trying to specify that he did it because he knew her previously that's going to be harder. It would be implied that by saving her he was looking out for her, so you probably don't need to specify that.

I also don't understand why it would be written on the document in-universe. A letter or an email would be better I think.

I'm pretty willing to greenlight you here. I wish you the absolute best of luck with your draft.

+ thehudbud

- Close

Hi! (Summoned via IRC)

When the loved one is called using this SCP, the loved one will report some form of immediate threat to their life, prompting the caller to rush to their location, only to be prevented of reaching the individual they called.

This is the interesting part of your story. It's where you're trying to evoke emotion. There's nothing wrong with this part, but the rest of the post is not a linear narrative and it overshadows the main emotional drive of your story.

I'm somewhat confused by your elevator pitch because it seems you have two anomalies: 1) Cellphone that makes you abusive and/or paranoid and/or display unconditional love (???) and 2) Humanoid (TM). There's nothing inherently wrong with having two anomalies but it can overshadow your narrative if they don't fit together.

That is, unless they can learn to love again…

This implies that abusers displaying love towards their victims negates the abuse their victims suffered. It doesn't. A survivor's choice to forgive their abuser is their's to make, and it very often has nothing to do with the love displayed by their abuser, but rather with both whether the abuser has stopped abusing them and regrets their actions. Even then it doesn't negate the fact that they were abused. Regardless, this doesn't lead to anything narratively because you don't mention it again.

recovery of the object

What happens in this section, why does it happen that way, how does it further your narrative, and how are you planning on making it interesting to your readers?

a variety of individuals

Which individuals? Who are your characters?

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

No. NPD does not make people abusive. I have known a lot of abusive people and none of them have NPD. I know one person with NPD and they were selfish at times, egotistical, and they didn't often take other people's feelings into account but they never hurt me or, to my knowledge, anybody else. Implying that all abusers have NPD and/or that all people with NPD are abusive is ableism and promotes active stigmatisation of people with Cluster B disorders.

individuals who lack any sort of family or friends.

Same with the above. Although you could create an active researcher character who considers their lack of relationships (or NPD) a positive thing in relation to being able to study this skip, the way you've written it here is stigmatising. Vilify abusers without dragging down disabled people and abuse survivors please.

Overall, your narrative feels pretty disjointed. You talk a lot about the format but I'm not sure how the events connect to each other.

Test logs are… not great. As well as my personal dislike for them, they are generally used because they're flashy formatting rather than actually needed. They can work successfully when showing the same things tested in different conditions, but overusing them when you could just state the results or use a different format to better show progression is a problem. Just state what the events are and how they connect, the format is usually irrelevant until you get to drafting.

I'm vaguely interested in the interaction between the humanoid anomaly and the cellphone but I'm not sure what the humanoid represents or what's driving it to want the person to beat the cellphone or why it's torturing this person.

I think better outlining what the cellphone anomaly actually does and why the humanoid does what it does is imperative here. This concept as a whole has potential but you need to scrap the ableism and streamline the idea into one thing. Basically there's too much going on at once to actually crit this as a formed concept yet.

I'm not convinced with bringing abuse into this at all; it seems like you're trivialising it rather than writing about it in a respectful way. I wrote this part before I reconsidered but I thought I would leave it in anyway because the second sentence especially is something you really need to consider when writing this story.

Additionally, the version that cybersqyd critted on the 20th is much more my vibe. It's not detailed enough right now, but it revolves much more around the fear created by the situation the characters are in (being physically separated from their family) rather than this weird emotion of "I actually love the person I abused so you should feel sorry for me" which feels… wrong.

If your story is about an anomaly that stops abusers from reaching their victims, that's part of your overall narrative, but I'm not really seeing that yet because your anomalies do too many contradictory things and you also switch rapidly between vilifying abusers and enabling them.

Put each of your plot points in one sentence. You need a set up, a build up, a conflict, and a conclusion.

My final, and probably most important, question is "Where do the Foundation come into this?" How the Foundation interacts with the anomaly is more important than what the anomaly does, but you haven't mentioned them at all.

I hope that helps. Feel free to reply here if you have answers to my questions and/or more to say.

Hello.

I can understand how a "learn to love again" story and abuse could be considered as trivialization and convolutes the overall narrative.

I agree with the first part. I don't think it inherently convolutes the narrative (the narrative isn't fully-formed here for other reasons), but you don't currently seem to have the knowledge to be able to write this in an accurate and respectful way. I mean that in the best way.

As for the overall narrative purpose of NPD, I wanted the object to affect people who care deeply about others.

The opposite is coming off in your original post. I would highly suggest rewording it if this is your intention.

lacks an ability for empathy

Lots of disorders cause low empathy. Empathy is not the same as compassion, either. Neurodivergencies are incredibly complex things and applying a blanket statement is not a good idea. Even just changing it from "NPD" to "people who don't display compassion" would massively improve this. (I have low empathy and, speaking from personal experience, it doesn't mean I don't love people or that I don't display love or compassion towards people.)

Using "NPD" or "low empathy" or even "low compassion" also means that, like, you don't include abusers who do genuinely love their victims. Because that's a thing. Hurting somebody because you thought you were doing the best thing for them is definitely something that exists. I feel like focusing on who is generally immune to the cellphone isn't important to your narrative, because you're only following one person. Why does it matter to the Foundation that there's a hypothetical group immune to the anomaly's effects and how does it have implications on this story specifically?

but rather that their lack of empathy makes it difficult or near impossible for the object to have an effect on said individual.

Again, this is the opposite of what you implied in your original post. I think the problem is that your narrative goes in a lot of directions and you haven't really decided on each part of your story, so you keep contradicting yourself. I think taking some time to streamline your narrative and figure out what your object does and who it specifically affects is most important here.

As for the humanoid aspect, I originally planned for it to be a common factor in events that prevent the subject from reaching the individual they called, somewhat like a spirit or etherial entity that causes small things to happen to prevent the caller from reaching the destination (battery failure of a car, for example.) and be somewhat of a personification of the concern the caller has about the well-being of the person they called.

Okay but why? Why is the entity doing that? What drives it? Depending on the story you choose to write, this entity can be either malevolent or benevolent. That choice is important because it carries a lot of the emotional weight in the story.

The recovery of the object is something that I have thought about in a variety of ways, but my main thought is that the object would have been recovered after a mother testifies about "A demonic spirit stopping her from saving her baby." during a murder trial where the last phone call (from the SCP) was linked to the mother and the victim of said murder.

Is the point that the mother murdered her baby? It kinda ties into quickestsilver's idea and the part after it about how being overprotective can be harmful. I also don't really understand why or how she would kill her baby, and also this is veering into insensitive territory again. Be careful.

I kinda wanted this story to be something to the effect of protecting the ones you love is a good thing, but too much of even the most basic of instincts (protecting those you care about) can lead to harm (emotional abuse, controlling behaviors, etc.)

This is a good idea. Your problem is that this isn't the story you're currently writing. I think the part about the murder trial is important to focus on. Think about how your anomaly affects your characters rather than about what the anomaly does in general. Could you perhaps follow the mother's story, beyond as a device to tell you what the anomaly does?

I hope that helps.

2901/02/14

Is this date correct?

the full document can be found from Site-847

"the full document is stored at Site-847."

Who knew food actually tastes something!

"Who knew food actually tastes of (??) something!"

Did you know that Dottir means 'daughter' in German?

It's not German, it's Icelandic.

Tone is off in the second half of the description.

The diary entries work to further the narrative but the interview feels a little out of place? The ending is abrupt, not narrative-wise, but with your pacing. The diary entries move very fast, which is fine, but then your ending is really blunt. You also don't really explain the actual cause of Somya's death, or relate back to it. I presume it has something to do with Stefanie, but you never explain how or why.

All traces of SCP-XXXX has been removed.

"All traces of SCP-XXXX have been removed."

The body and diary found during SCP-XXXX investigation has been buried and is currently stored in a standard Foundation locker.

"The body found during SCP-XXXX investigation has been buried and the diary is currently stored in a standard Foundation locker." (this wording is still weird but it's better than it was)

quickly grew around the dormitory

"quickly" breaks clinical tone. "rapidly" might work better.

At the center of the house is a body covered in rose thorns. Genetic analysis reveal this to be the body of Somya Tennyson, drained of blood.

"Genetic analysis revealed the exsanguinated body, found entangled in rose thorns at the center of the house, to be that of Somya Tennyson."

Foundation Agent Samuel found a diary belonging to Somya.

"Foundation Agent Samuel found a diary belonging to Tennyson." (refer to people using their last names)

As the diary gives information about the anomalous event, excerpts of it are found below, however, the full document can be retrieved from Site-847

"relevant excerpts". also needs a full stop/period at the end.

I'll just hope that I am able to listen to class then!

"I just hope that I'm able to listen to class too!"

I haven't been sleeping well today

"I haven't been sleeping well recently"

I was expecting no one to give me gifts, but a lot of people gave me a lot of gifts!

"I was expecting no one to give me gifts, but a lot of people did!"

why did she even talked to me?

"why did she even talk to me?"

The diary logs are much more coherent (even though Somya is deteriorating) and the narrative progression is good, but I still don't understand why Somya dies. It seems non-anomalous to be honest, and unless she made the flowers grow on purpose until she died, it doesn't really make sense.

Other than you mentioning in the description that it was an anomalous event, it just seems like a tragic love story. Even just mentioning why it's anomalous and how it happened would fix that.

+ DrAkimoto

+ Cyvstvi 𓆏

- Close

with the phrase, EXSVRGE DOMINE

"with the phrase EXSVRGE DOMINE" (also is it meant to be a V? I know that U is written as V in Latin but idk if it works here.)

Move the second footnote to after EXSVRGE DOMINE rather than at the end of the sentence.

with a low-ceiling, forcing the occupants

"with a low-ceiling, which forces the occupants"

The floor of SCP-XXXX is littered in human bones.

"The floor of SCP-XXXX is littered with human bones."

Iconoclasts, may you live in interesting times.

"Iconoclasts" is a nice touch but it makes the sentence clunky.

Overall it's still good, but significantly less mysterious than the last draft I saw. I know people were having issues with understanding the meaning in the previous draft, but this time you seem to have stepped away from the mystery without actually making it any easier to decipher the meaning.

Respectfully, it doesn't feel like your writing. It just… feels too clinical for something the Foundation abandoned.

You said at some point about taking away too much detail ("negative space" are the words that come to mind) but here you've gone too far in the opposite direction, imo.

Things I Liked

1) ConProcs. They are good. 10/10
2) "Arise O'Lord". This is just in reference to the overall theme. *shrugs*
3) "prostrate position". Nice double meaning there. Having been inside a burial mound I can confirm you do very often end up lying on the floor, and it also references praying. Very nice.
4) "It now lays destroyed and disfigured, covered in a thin layer of dust." Reminds me of Ozymandias. Fall from power and all that. Serves its purpose.
5) The entire addendum. It is simulataneously in clinical tone and it feels… old? But in a good way.
6) "May you live in interesting times". I love this ending. I personally think it works better without "iconoclasts" but that's mainly because I had to google the meaning of iconoclast, in comparison to the first draft where I was just sitting there like "wow holy shit".

I didn't pick up that you were trying to emulate other people (other than the crosslink to kaktus' work, which at the time felt like a reference as in "this thing here is a similar idea" rather than "i am trying to write in a similar style to this piece of writing").
bearing in mind i've only read five pieces of your work (apostasy, with their legs tied up in knots, take me to the moor, the traitor's libel, and the clown ranch thing). I was mostly basing my crit this time on the previous apostasy draft, and on take me to the moor, because they have similar vibes, but idk if that's what you were going for here.

the part that felt out of place was the part in the collapsible that wasn't the addendum (i guess that's part of the description?). Writing it in the same way as you wrote the addendum would make it seem more in the same time, rather than seeming like the Foundation were writing in the present day about something they abandoned before they even started.

+ Mooagain

- Close

Anomalies in the custody of the SCP Foundation are referred to by a random three or four digit number for organizational purposes.

The numbers aren't random in-universe.

The class between Euclid and Apollyon.

Keter is the class between Euclid and Thaumiel. Apollyon is esoteric.

This means that anomaly in question is very difficult to contain, but not necessarily dangerous to human life or normalcy.

Remove the part about danger, or reword it. Don't correlate Keter and danger at all.

This section of the document describes the anomaly itself, often its physical characteristics as well as its anomalous effects.

"This section of the document describes the physical characteristics of the anomaly, as well as its anomalous effects."

SCP-XXXX is an anomalous phenomenon in which random pages in the SCP Foundation database are edited to include footnotes

"random" breaks clinical tone.

In some cases SCP-XXXX events have occurred in paper documents, replicating the ink used in the page.

"In some cases, SCP-XXXX events have occurred in paper documents, replicating the ink used in the page."

Blackboxes are used to cover up sensitive information. In this case, the blackbox was used because Scott Wilkins requested to not have his name associated with the creation of a keter anomaly.

"Blackboxes are used to cover up sensitive information. In this case, the blackbox was used because Scott Wilkins requested to not have his name associated with the creation of a Keter anomaly."

Meant as a low effort pun on the term "crystal clear" and the human name Crystal.

"Meant as a low effort pun on the term "crystal clear"."

colour based anomaly codes

"colour-based anomaly codes" Also do you mean "threat levels"? If so, you could mention that threat levels are typically used in INT branches.

A complex image that, when viewed, causes an autonomous reaction in the viewer.

"autonomous" doesn't feel like the right word here?

Numerous new staff member struggle to understand the complex scientific language used by the SCP Foundation.

"Numerous new staff members struggle to understand the complex scientific language used by the SCP Foundation."

An AIC is incapable of acting against the commands of its operators.

This feels kind of out of place. Is it referencing the fact that the AIC doesn't know what "unneeded definition" means? If so, why is it not defining every word?

and SCP-XXXX events began to occur in other Foundation documents.

"began to occur" breaks clinical tone.

+ anorrack

- Close

LBL

Medical thaumaturges were able to stabilize the remaining two victims by replacing the entire volume of their circulatory system, although not before they had already suffered neurological damage.

Replacing the volume of their circulatory system with what? The wording is kinda clunky here.

Bastille Day is a popular holiday throughout Three Portlands; not coincidentally, more misdemeanors and public order crimes occur on the weekend of Bastille Day than any other three-day period in the months of June, July, and August.

Reads like a Wikipedia article (i.e. general fact rather than specific information the UIU is telling the reader). Tone is different from the following sentence.

With most resources presently tied-up in responding to Bastille Day incidents, the Three Portlands Police Department has requested that the Unusual Incidents Unit assume responsibility for the investigation of the overdoses at Deer College.

Are the overdoses at Deer College not part of the Bastille Day incidents? Deleting all the words before the comma would make the wording more concise.

Security cameras are absent in most areas of Three Portlands due to public opinion; as such, identifying suspects may be difficult.

"public opinion"?

[Mumbling and ectoplasmic slopping is heard as Quinn Law performs the nekyia.]

Should it not be "Agent Law"?

There is a possibility of a full recovery for the five students, pending communications with parallel Deer College faculty.

I only have a superficial understanding of Deer College but weren't three of them dead already? Also what does "parallel" mean in "parallel Deer College faculty"? Edit: You don't mention the students beyond this point except in relations to the overdoses in general in the Final Analysis; therefore this section feels irrelevant because it's never concluded.

[No. 531’s mouth stretches backwards in a facsimile of a smile, and its eye-fire flickers]

"eye-fire" isn't a word I'm familiar with. Clarifying it or replacing it with "eyes" might be better.

[No. 531 nods jutteringly.]

"jutteringly" is not a word.

[No. 531’s irregular movements ceased, turning its head to meet Rackley and Quinn, and its eye-fires brightened.]

"Rackley and Quinn" should be "Rackley and Law"

Quickly, Mobile Occult Operations Team (MOOT) units and 3PPD officers moved to cordon off the bar and the surrounding area.

I know it's UIU format but I can't help thinking "Mobile Occult Operations Team (MOOT) units and 3PPD officers quickly moved to cordon off the bar and the surrounding area" would be better phrasing. "Promptly" could also replace "quickly".

MOOT operatives were equipped with standard MOOT gear, thaumaturgically-enhanced bulletproof vests, combat-rated exoskeletons, targeting runes painted onto the backs of their helmets, and ambient EVE accumulators. The MOOT were instructed to shoot to incapacitate, and arrest if able. MOOT operatives were to be deployed into the building, rappelling onto the rooftop and through the skylight via helicopter.

^^^ this is the first place I noticed it but it's probably elsewhere too. If you're using Oxford commas, use them consistently.

A top priority of the mission was to ensure no civilian or operative casualties.

You mention this but also detail operative casualties in the operational report and then label the mission a success. Doesn't seem right.

Paranarcotic, temporal, addictive, Deer College, Prometheus Labs, Marshall, Carter, and Dark Ltd., Lighthouse Mafia

I'm not sure where Prometheus Labs or MCD come into this?

Overall

Why is your sandbox a collab?

Overall it's really good. My only concern beyond the stuff I mentioned in the LBL is that the pacing is weird in places. You alternate between fast and slow pacing and it's quite jarring at times. For example, the first interview is very fast paced and works beautifully, but "Current Status" in the tab after it is much slower and seems kind of irrelevant? "Leads" in the same tab has much faster pacing in comparison.

+ TopDownUnder/Top

- Close

LBL

Item must be kept a secret, and all individuals who discover it are to be killed.

"Killed" is incredibly blunt. It's the right word but not typically used by the Foundation. "Terminated" would be more in accordance with the Foundation's way of speaking. (Unless this is an existing esoteric class, in which case disregard.)

MTF γ-78

Don't know how I feel about this. Typically MTF designations are shortened using Latin letters rather than Greek (e.g. MTF Rho-2 shortens to MTF R-2). Like, do what you want, but using Greek letters can ruin the pacing.

When SCP-XXXX is under Foundation custody, attempts are to be made to ensure that the method to access the anomaly is restricted only to individuals within the Foundation.

This is kind of a given? The Foundation, by default, don't provide information about their anomalies to GoIs/non-Foundation people. It's also implied by the Object Class.

SCP-XXXX is a perfect replica of the Mexica altepetl of Tenochtitlan as it was in late November 1519.

"late November of 1519" might work better; it's a pacing thing.

The majority of the four zones of SCP-XXXX is accessible to the general public, with the only areas restricted to the original population.

"the only areas"? I feel like you might be missing a word and/or need to reword the sentence here.

Beyond the city, in Lake Texcoco and the coast, Hernan Cortés' forces can be seen, which consisted of thirteen ships, horsemen, and foot soldiers.

"consists of"

These forces constantly patrol SCP-XXXX, but never come closer than 5km to SCP-XXXX.

"These forces constantly patrol, but never come closer than 5km to SCP-XXXX." or "These forces constantly patrol the area, but never come closer than 5km to SCP-XXXX."

Once SCP-XXXX is under Foundation control, Class-A amnestics are to be administered to the populace of Mexico City and the surrounding area. Non-anomalous members of Los Ratones who are captured are to be administered Class F amnestics and released into the general public. Captured Anomalous members of Los Ratones are to be administered both Class-C and Class-G amnestics, with a focus on the events of Operation 1521 and the existence of SCP-XXXX. These members are then to be released in or near known anomalous communities.

Be consistent with amnestic class hyphenations (Class-F vs Class F). Why Class C and Class G? If the memories aren't existent anymore, there's no way to make them seem non-existent. Why are they released in anomalous communities? Should the Foundation not contain them if they are anomalous?

Multiple documents from multiple groups have been recovered referring to SCP-XXXX.

Are you planning on writing more documents for Addendum XXXX.2? If not, remove this sentence.

Overall

I recommend asking Limeyy to crit this if you haven't already because he knows a lot about Aztecs. Also Cyvstvi (/hj) because this is esoteric (jokes aside, they're a good critter).

Your clinical tone is not great in places. Your description feels like a Tale rather than a skip description. Cut out all repeated and/or irrelevant information.

Be consistent with your Oxford commas etc etc.

Overall, you've got a lot going on. I like the narrative and the conclusion, but I think you focus too much on describing the pocket dimension when most of it is irrelevant to the story. Even Los Ratones aren't relevant in the end, despite being mentioned a lot before the second addendum.

+ chaucer345

+ Cyvstvi 𓆏

- Close

Any civilians caught attempting to enter SCP-XXXX

"Any civilians found attempting to enter SCP-XXXX"

These caverns, which appear to descend kilometres into the earth, have not been fully mapped and are illuminated by an unknown species of bioluminescent foliage.

"which appear to descend" should probably be "which descend". The Foundation don't guess things and all that.

reminiscent of the ruins located near the place where they began

I still don't understand this but if it's something that's important to your narrative and most people would understand it's a reference to 4k then go for it I guess.

If viewed from above, SCP-XXXX would resemble a solar cross.

"When viewed from above, SCP-XXXX resembles a solar cross."

SCP-XXXX-A has been confirmed to be a complex scrying device intended to deliver divine revelations to the singular occupant.

"SCP-XXXX-A is a complex scrying device intended to deliver divine revelations to the singular occupant."

In particular, a necessary component was removed from SCP-XXXX-A rendering it inoperable.

The footnote here may well spoil the ending. I understand you're trying to foreshadow the ending but I don't think the footnote is needed.

held court with the greatest minds of the Fae just a Moon’s Fleeting Journey before Writing.

"held court with the greatest minds of the Fae just a Moon’s Fleeting Journey Before Writing." - "Before" was capitalised in the date box and should also be capitalised here too.

Date: A Day Before Writing

Feels inconsistent. If the writer knows what a day is, why does the first tablet not say "Eight Days Before Writing"?

“What manner of people worshiped you?”

"What manner of people worshipped you?"

“One final question, Nzaadak Cthali! Are you free from the Eternal Oblivion in your realm!”

Should this be a question?

it was dragged back into the rent of the earth

Is it not "rend of the earth"?

This artifact is not some simply “scrying device”

"This artifact is not simply some “scrying device”;"

Shifting the relevance back towards SCP-XXXX-A or the Orrey

"Orrery"

Following its reactivation, a thaumaturgical ritual, overseen by members of the Alchemy Division commenced.

" Following its reactivation, a thaumaturgical ritual, overseen by members of the Alchemy Division, commenced."

SCP-XXXX-1

Is SCP-XXXX-1 the same entity from the God of the Epoch of Dragons entry or is it just similar? I noticed their names were different and I wasn't sure if that was intentional.

Dr. Victoria Takemi: What manner of people worshipped you?

Should probably just say "Dr Takemi"; we already know their name is Victoria.

Overall, I like it. I'm not ~entirely~ sure what actually happens or what any of it really means but I do like the underlying metaphor, the wording of which alludes me. Would upvote with righteous confusion.

+ Ethagon

+ Undercover_Fly

- Close

09:12 <Undercover_Fly> Ticonderoga means 'cannot be contained, but does not require containment'.
09:12 <Undercover_Fly> Which I suppose works for this.
09:12 <Whomstdveworm> Oh, fascinating, I've never heard of that classification.
09:12 <Undercover_Fly> Then again, it does require containment.
09:12 <TawnyOwlJones> ticonderoga is "can't be contained but doesn't need to be". cernunnos is "can be contained but isn't due to ethical or logical reasons"
09:13 <DoctorJuhan> This list has all object classes https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/esoteric-classes-complete-list
A Comprehensive List of Esoteric Classes - SCP Foundation
09:14 <Undercover_Fly> This is more, 'we want to contain it, but we can't. However it poses a minimal threat to secrecy and in entirely immobile'
09:15 <TawnyOwlJones> Undercover_Fly: why can't the foundation contain it?
09:15 <Undercover_Fly> The foundation can't contain it due to it being located at the gravitational center of the earth. Also, it's intangible.
09:15 <DoctorJuhan> Im sorry all people, i got zoom coming up
09:16 <DoctorJuhan> bye
09:16 <TawnyOwlJones> *logistical reasons, not logical. don't do SPaG too early in the morning i guess
09:16 <TawnyOwlJones> hmm
09:17 <Undercover_Fly> Simultaneously, this anomaly is the result of a phenomenon that has no singular source or cause, and therefore cannot be contained or neutralised in of itself.
09:17 <Undercover_Fly> http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-14042200/intangible-mass-at-the-center-of-the-earth#post-4948651
Intangible mass at the center of the Earth - SCP Foundation
09:18 <Undercover_Fly> My idea. As you can see, the class is a tricky one.
09:19 <TawnyOwlJones> if you want to subscribe to NSEKT orthodoxy, Keter might work (and then you detail why it's uncontainable in the conprocs) but there's probably something more specific.
09:20 <Undercover_Fly> It's uncontained, yet it's not keter because you can leave it along and it won't breach. It's self-containing.
09:20 <TawnyOwlJones> yeah, you're basically doing that already except your object class says Safe instead of Keter
09:20 <TawnyOwlJones> hmm okay
09:20 <TawnyOwlJones> one second
09:21 <TawnyOwlJones> if it's self-containing, is it not contained?
09:22 <Undercover_Fly> I mean the problem is that as soon as something becomes part of the anomaly, it's contained.
09:22 <Undercover_Fly> Yet you can't stop things becoming part of the anomalu.
09:22 <Undercover_Fly> *anomaly
09:25 <Undercover_Fly> The anomaly is simultaneously an active threat and not an active threat.
09:26 <TawnyOwlJones> hmm you could use "self-contained"? but that's creating your own esoteric class
09:27 <Undercover_Fly> I mean, maybe 'Hiemal' at a stretch
09:28 <TawnyOwlJones> object class doesn't have anything to do with danger. there's something used in INT branches called "threat level" but i don't know if it applies here
09:28 <Undercover_Fly> If you say that the two sides are intangibility and gravity.
09:28 <TawnyOwlJones> eh, hiemal is two distinct anomalies, not two parts of one anomaly
09:29 <Undercover_Fly> Technically its 'a system of two or more distinct but related anomalies that keep each other under control'
09:29 <Undercover_Fly> But that's really a stretch in this context.
09:29 <TawnyOwlJones> yeah, but your anomaly being intangible doesn't make it two anomalies. it's a massive stretch
09:30 <Undercover_Fly> I was implying that the anomalies were intangibility and gravity. But yes, that's a stretch.
09:30 <TawnyOwlJones> oh, okay sorry
09:31 <TawnyOwlJones> i'm going through the classes to see if there's something that fits better but i'm not getting very far
09:32 <TawnyOwlJones> if you're only looking at the foundation's perspective, maybe "uncontainable"?
09:32 <Undercover_Fly> Maybe we could have it be Safe (SCP-XXXX-1-1 instances are considered self-containing)
09:33 <TawnyOwlJones> but is it still Safe if the Foundation aren't containing it themselves? maybe Euclid
09:33 <Undercover_Fly> Yeah, split the difference. I've got to got now, I'll see if we can continue this conversation later.
09:34 <TawnyOwlJones> of course

+ TopDownUnder/Top

- Close

SCP-5709 is allowed limited travel of Site-120

Why though? Is it just a psychological thing?

Security Level 3/GENERAL

Conflicts with the following sentence about being "high-ranking".

high-ranking Foundation staff

"high-ranking" is vague. Specify a security clearance level. EDIT: this is maybe okay, since the main issue is that the Foundation are trying to kill SCP-5709 while also considering it to be high-ranking staff?

SCP-5709 is a white young adult male

"SCP-5709 is a white, young adult male"

SCP-5709 had claimed to have gotten

"SCP-5709 claimed to have been"

A curated list of realities that SCP-5709 has accessed is available within Document 5709-00

Is it not "Addendum 5709.1"?

How SCP-5709 knew this is unknown.

The crosslink here doesn't lead to anything.

Subject was found wearing a metal suit of unknown make, seemingly designed to enhance the punching capabilities of the wearer. Currently held within Area-34's Low-Security Storage.

Is this meant to imply that SCP-5709 stole the suit from Area-34 or that SCP-5709 found it and the Foundation retrieved it afterwards?

a tank of carbon dioxide.

The external link here doesn't really make sense here. What lines are you trying to draw between SCP-5709 and S.M.? There's a link in the linked article about carbon dioxide inhalation, but that's not what you describe in your article.

There's a lot of problems with your clinical tone, mostly pertaining to having excess words in your sentences. Cut out any repetition and anything unneeded.

Your description is very dense. There's stuff you mention in your description that you don't carry into your addenda. The second paragraph especially is confusing; what is meant here by "disturbing the peace"?

In regards to the overall tone of the article, it changes a lot. It's really reliant on the last addendum; the conprocs and description are kind of boring and contradict each other a lot, and the first addendum, while well-written, seems disjointed in places. The tone working well and the story making sense are both completely contingent on reading to the end and probably then re-reading, which isn't really what you should be aiming for?

The last addendum is terrifying. I am scared of literally nothing but that is making my skin crawl. I have one concern about the last addendum: why are they trying to kill SCP-5709? Remember that the Foundation doesn't like destroying its anomalies; inducing fear and severe trauma for the sake of studying an anomaly is different to straight-up decommissioning it.

Overall, it was very difficult to start reading but the story is actually really good and I love the ending. It definitely needs tightening up/overhauling in places; e.g. when you mention Procedure-5709 in the description it seems like multiple events but in the last addendum it seems like one event. Start at the end and work backwards.

Were you planning on adding anything else? I remember you said yesterday that it wasn't finished. Once you've finished I'm happy to LBL it in full if you'd like.

+ chaucer345

- Close

thaumaturgically trained

"thaumaturgically-trained"

SCP-5316-1 is to be kept in a Euclid level storage locker

It should probably just say "SCP-5316-1 is to be kept in a storage locker". Is SCP-5316-1 not Safe class?

currently banished

"currently-banished"

SCP-5316 used to have teleportation abilities

Breaks clinical tone. Not sure how to rephrase it though.

his Map of the Multiverse

"its Map of the Multiverse"

I'm torn on these two paragraphs:

When wound, the next sapient being the winder sees is compelled to sit down in front of the winder and answer any question the winder asks of them to the best of their knowledge for the duration of the song.

During the song, those questioned by the winder are unable to move or otherwise take any actions that would harm the questioner. The winder on the other hand may perform any actions they wish to the being questioned. There is currently no known method to counter this effect completely, but evidence suggests that mind effecting drugs such as tetrahydrocannabinol are able to cause the responses given to the winder to be less coherent.

On one hand they say what you want them to say. On the other hand, they are lengthy and I had to read them several times to understand what was said. Maybe consider cutting down anything excess.

<Dr. Varadkar Sits down.>

"<Dr. Varadkar sits down.>"

<Kassar leaves.>

Might be worth mentioning that it leaves the office specifically. It's not a massive issue but it feels disjointed atm.

Mechanites

"Mekhanites" (presuming you're referring to Sarkicism?)

<Kassar enters Hadid's bedroom via apportation>

"<Kassar enters Hadid's bedroom via apportation.>"

Kassar picks up the boy's limp hand

"Kassar picks up Hadid's limp hand"

Chelon four

"Chelon-4"

You're not on the streets of Milwaukee anymore baby sister.

"You're not on the streets of Milwaukee anymore, baby sister."

Alright I've had quite enough of your posturing brother, what Machiavellian nonsense did you throw at the Editors to convince them alienating ourselves from our most desperately needed allies was a good idea?

"Alright, I've had quite enough of your posturing, brother. What Machiavellian nonsense did you throw at the Editors to convince them alienating ourselves from our most desperately-needed allies was a good idea?"

Oh, but we're not going to alienate anyone exalted Arbiter.

"Oh, but we're not going to alienate anyone, exalted Arbiter."

Note by Agent Briggs: Considering this information, I strongly recommend SCP-5316 be elevated to Keter class and given a non-standard designation. It cannot be allowed to keep its plan in motion.

Note by Director Nakamura: Denied for now. Your heart and head are both in the right place Briggs, but we have no idea what changing this thing's name will do to it. We also don't have confirmation of where that letter came from, and we don't even know if this SCP's thaumaturgy theories are accurate.

For now we just need to contain this monster as best as we can, and let the researchers come up with better locks for its door.

I recommend putting these in blockquotes; they look out of place on their own. Emails could also work., rather than notes on the document.

+ EclipsedShadowK/Shade

- Close

16:47 <Shade> Hewwo?
16:47 <TawnyOwlJones> Hi! sorry i'm just reading your draft again, one second :)
16:48 <Shade> Okie
16:52 <TawnyOwlJones> Overall, your drafts are one article and I can see you having to cut out quite a lot of stuff when you get down to looking for draft crit, but it's not something you need to do yet unless you want to.
16:52 <TawnyOwlJones> You also really need to read How To Write An SCP again. Stuff like specifying measurements when they aren't necessary, excessive blackboxing, lack of clinical tone, etc are all problems. They're also easily fixable.
16:52 <TawnyOwlJones> What is the blue text meant to signify?
16:52 <TawnyOwlJones> I think it was mainly interviews that you were worried about, right? Interviews are just a conversation, so imagine the skips monologuing the answers, and then create the questions around that. With Celeri's interview, what is it that you're trying to tell the readers?
16:53 <Shade> How he's still guilty about Mozart's death and how he's constantly blaming himself for "killing" him
16:56 <TawnyOwlJones> okay. so you can express that through body language (remember that cat and human body languages are different) and through words. Ultimately, you also need Celeri to talk in the interview, which I think is where you're stuck rn. Could you maybe have Celeri explain the circumstances of Mozart's death as well as just being generally guilty about it?
16:56 <Shade> Ohhhhhhh
16:56 <TawnyOwlJones> you good?
16:56 <Shade> Yeah
16:57 <Shade> I can combine cat and human body languages with this one, right?
16:57 <TawnyOwlJones> yeah, of course
16:57 <Shade> Noice
16:57 <Shade> I already have an idea with Mozzy's
16:58 <Shade> Like, he get asked about any stuff he remembers in his death and then he hears about the rumour, which upsets him
16:58 <Shade> And then he gets told about how it impacted Celeri
17:00 <TawnyOwlJones> with the interviews, they aren't just snapshots in time, they need to show progression too. So for Celeri's interview you can keep the generic setting stuff at the beginning, lead into the circumstances of mozart's death, and then lead into the rumour, and then celeri's reaction (most of which can probably be noted in the closing statement).
17:00 <TawnyOwlJones> that's a good idea, for mozzy's interview, i mean
17:00 <Shade> Ohhhhhh
17:01 <Shade> So I kinda gotta rework Celeri's?
17:01 <TawnyOwlJones> not rework it, per se, just note how you're going to bring it forward
17:02 <Shade> Ohhh, aighty
17:02 <Shade> So for the other stuff, what can I do to make it more clinical
17:03 <TawnyOwlJones> you're focusing too much on questions and answers, and it's making you not write anything because you don't understand how to phrase it, i think. write celeri's part, and then separate it and insert the questions.
17:03 <TawnyOwlJones> you mean clinical tone? there's guides for that, one second
17:04 <Shade> Also, what do I need to cut off?
17:10 <TawnyOwlJones> struggling to find the guides btw i thought i had them saved, please stand by
17:10 <TawnyOwlJones> it's not so much cutting off as much as cutting down. merging it into one page might help because it'll trim down irrelevant/repeated information (like the measurement in your conprocs, your conprocs themselves, and most of your descriptions). You've also got some conprocs in your descriptions. I also recommend separating the archived containment
17:10 <TawnyOwlJones> procedures into a collapsible above the current conprocs.
17:10 <TawnyOwlJones> I think it's really a case of reorganising and seeing what you can reword or scrap entirely.
17:11 <Shade> What are conprocs?
17:12 <TawnyOwlJones> containment procedures
17:12 <Shade> Ohhhhhhhhhhh
17:17 <TawnyOwlJones> http://www.scpwiki.com/clinical-tone-declassified
Clinical Tone: Declassified - SCP Foundation
17:17 <TawnyOwlJones> http://www.scpwiki.com/clinical-vs-complex
Clinical vs Complex - SCP Foundation
17:17 <TawnyOwlJones> these are a good start. I had a ton more, some of which were off-site ones, but I can't find the links. If I find them I'll send them over.
17:17 <TawnyOwlJones> Getting really tight clinical tone is mostly a result of getting tons of crit and reading a lot of skips, but the basics can and should be formed first.
17:17 <Shade> Okie
17:23 <Shade> Anything else?
17:24 <TawnyOwlJones> i don't think so, unless you have anything else to say. like, this isn't an in-depth draft crit or anything, i just remembered you wanted help with the interviews and decided to pick up on some other stuff too.
17:24 <Shade> Oh okie
17:26 <TawnyOwlJones> :)
17:28 <Shade> So, how about I make a combined article and then two separate articles that are archived?
17:28 <TawnyOwlJones> explain?
17:30 <Shade> There will be tabs and the current article will have the containment procedures and the descriptions of both skips in one place?
17:30 <Shade> The archived ones are in the other tabs
17:30 <Shade> Would that work????
17:31 <TawnyOwlJones> the conprocs and the descriptions are the same for each skip though. or very similar. I just don't really see the point?
17:32 <TawnyOwlJones> functionally, celeri and mozzarella are two instances of the same object. you can tell both their stories in one article. if you want to tell them separately, you probably can, but it's harder logistically, and their stories overlap so heavily that separating them kinda kills it? having extra articles for them in different tabs means reading the
17:32 <TawnyOwlJones> same story three times, if that makes sense?
17:33 <Shade> Hm, I see
17:33 <TawnyOwlJones> like, do what you want. disagree with me, ask other critters. but that's my opinion
17:34 <Shade> Aighty
17:35 <TawnyOwlJones> :)
17:35 <Shade> So, one article for them?
17:36 <TawnyOwlJones> i would recommend it. their conprocs are the same, and you can use archived conprocs to note the change. their descriptions can be one description. and then have each of their interviews in separate addenda.
17:37 <TawnyOwlJones> you have anything else to say?
17:38 <Shade> Sure their descriptions are *nearly* similar, but they still are like kinda different in terms of fur color and floof?
17:40 <TawnyOwlJones> yeah, but you can use "SCP-XXXX are catboys. SCP-XXXX-A is [description]. SCP-XXXX-B is [description]". obviously in more detail than that, but a lot of the information is repeated or paraphrased and we don't need to read it twice. also with humanoid objects, don't describe them physically too much, it's usually unimportant.
17:40 <Shade> Aighty
17:41 <Shade> So, describe their similarities firs before their differences?
17:41 <Shade> *first
17:41 <TawnyOwlJones> yes
17:41 <Shade> Okie
17:43 <TawnyOwlJones> mostly the differences will be in their emotional reactions to things and their personalities rather than their physical appearance. you can mention their appearances but don't dwell on it particularly long, and also be clinical with their emotions.
17:45 <Shade> So more focus on personalities rather than the appearance?
17:46 <TawnyOwlJones> yeah. anything you mention beyond basic information should have an impact on the story.
17:46 <Shade> Aighty
17:47 <TawnyOwlJones> their appearance might be important, and you should briefly mention it in the description because it sets celeri and mozzy apart, but it shouldn't be dragged on for the entire article, if that makes sense? (i don't think you're going to drag it on, but just limit it a bit)
17:48 <Shade> Ohhh okie
17:49 <Shade> Mention that Mozzy has longer fur and is cream colored while Celeri is short-furred and is black in color?
17:49 <Shade> And also, Celeri's beard whenever he has it?
17:50 <TawnyOwlJones> yeah, if you want to
17:51 <Shade> Okie
17:52 <TawnyOwlJones> i have to go eat, but if you have any more questions then either wikidot pm them or throw them in a pastebin and .tell them to me and i'll pick them up when i'm next online.
17:52 <Shade> Okie
17:52 <Shade> cya
17:52 <TawnyOwlJones> :)

+ basircuser

- Close

The area around SCP-XXXXX

"The area around SCP-XXXX"

Any citizen found approaching SCP-XXXX are to be removed from the premises.

"Any citizen found approaching SCP-XXXX is to be removed from the premises." or "Any citizens found approaching SCP-XXXX are to be removed from the premises." "Civilian" might be a better word?

a wire made out of an indeterminate material.

"a wire made from an indeterminate material." "Constructed" might also work.

Although SCP-XXXX-B shows severe signs of malnutrition, it is currently unknown how it does not decompose.

This seems like two different sentences? They don't quite connect. Also switch this sentence with the last one in the paragraph.

However, said investigation was not followed through due to a lack of evidence.

It kind of contradicts the previous sentence. Why mention the case being reopened if they never found anything? Surely they would need new evidence in order to reopen the case in the first place?

[With permission from Site-901 Director Damaso, Researcher Jun was permitted to use his expertise in Maxwellist religion to form a connection with SCP-XXXX-B.]

I think move this to the Prologue. It seems out of place here.

The food there's pretty nice too.

"The food there's pretty nice."

it it's not occupied.

"if it's not occupied."

Money's not a problem their either

"Money's not a problem there either"

Wish I can revisit it again.

"Wish I could visit it again."

while attempting to reconnect to SCP-XXXX-B

Should this say "SCP-XXXX-A"?

My condolences, SCP-XXXX.

"My condolences, SCP-XXXX-B."

Sigh.

If this is in a terminal, is it possible to have this as a note (like a /me) above the sentence rather than in the sentence? It seems a little out of place where it is rn.

Resarcher Jun

"Researcher Jun"

Further attempts at communicating to SCP-XXXX-B only results in this message appearing.

"All further attempts at communicating with SCP-XXXX-B result in the appearance of this message."

In addition, devices that connect to SCP-XXXX-A becomes part of SCP-XXXX-A and will extend its range. Currently, there are 3 devices conencted to SCP-XXXX-A, extending its range to 2 meters.

This seems tacked on, rather than part of the narrative. It doesn't seem important becaue it wasn't mentioned prior and isn't mentioned afterwards. Honestly thinking it would work better to just remove those two sentences. That being said, then the reclassification doesn't make sense. Why is it important to reclassify it to Keter?

accesible through the address wansparadise.com

"accessible through the address wansparadise.com"

+ Dawson Falconer/SoldierTrout/Trout

- Close

Instantly thinking this would work better as a Tale, unless you plan on using test logs to display what the D-Class are feeling. Even then, it's likely that your emotions are being shown through Foundation researchers rather than the D-Class themselves. Clinical tone can definitely be used to display emotion but it is by design a style of writing that is devoid of emotion. Repeatedly describing each D-Class's reaction to your anomaly is likely to become monotonous, even when your description of the final D-Class's emotions will differ.

Unless the D-Class not being briefed on their situation is particularly important to your story, you can delete that bit.

"Usually" disappear? Why not all the time? Are there conditions to who doesn't disappear?

The pocket dimension instantly makes me think of the Infinite Ikea. I'm still interested, but I don't think this is as original an idea as I maybe previously thought. There's nothing inherently wrong with this, but if you struggle with the narrative you might not have an original idea to fall back on. I suggest making this one of the first tests, otherwise it seems like the Foundation is throwing D-Class around when D-Class aren't that expendable. Also if they can leave, it's probably not a pocket dimension.

Actually, scratch that, what's the point of the pocket dimension at all? And the anomaly being a theatre door? Surely the second anomaly is far more important to the story?

There's a lot going on in your central narrative and it doesn't quite feel coherent. You're presumably trying to evoke emotions here, but it's moving so quickly that I'm not feeling anything.

The last sentence of your central narrative intrigues me. I would suggest focusing on the actions and emotions of your "last D-Class" character. You can obviously write the other characters too, but I think they'd probably be written better from his perspective.

The parts of your hook talking about your character letting go of his emotions is not mentioned in your central narrative but it is certainly an important part of your narrative (namely it's your resolution). I want to know both how he physically and mentally escapes the hell. Remember he's a prisoner in a Foundation Site; there's more than one hell on this earth.

Overall I like this idea. I think you need to look at it from a different angle though. Unless you already know specifically how you going to set out your article, I suggest considering a Tale format, because the actual anomaly is less important than your narrative here.

Hey there!

Dr Wile seems to have already given you a reasonable critique, however I do have your draft at hand so I'm referencing that as well.

Concept

It's based off of a meme. Creating SCPs that are based on already-existing things is generally inadvised, especially for first-time authors. You have no original idea to fall back on.

To be incredibly blunt, I fail to see how this is comedy. This 100% does not read as a comedy genre skip to me at all. Your joke is "lol trollface" which just isn't funny. It doesn't evoke any emotion really.

What are the actual implications of a person bathing in the trollface bath for too long? What's the point?

I don't know much at all about memetics but I'm pretty sure that's not how anti-memes work.

Object classes have nothing to do with how dangerous an object is. Put in it a box and don't allow contact with it and you're good. Safe, not Keter. If you want more depth in explaining danger and risk, I recommend using the Anomaly Classification System.

Don't mix up the difference between your entity (the bathtub) and the entity you're looking at throughout most of forum thread (the oil). Rewrite it if need be.

I fail to see how it could possibly be shock horror.

Draft

There's a lot going on in your draft. Some of it might warrant some kind of positive reaction, but it's not super coherent.

Your ConProcs are nonsensical. They're so full of mistakes I'm not going to list them. You need to read the guides.

If a particularly specific part of a containment procedure isn't necessary, you can probably omit it. D-Class are prisoners, they probably (99%) aren't going to be given weapons because they would probably try to leave. Level-2 personnel make up a lot of the Foundation, meaning that your ConProcs are functionally useless. Think about your idea in detail before you write it.

The events that occur in your draft are not the same as the events you vaguely outlined in your ideas thread. Your discovery log is not even mentioned in your ideas thread.

I recommend going away and rewriting your ideas thread around the draft or vice versa if you are so committed to writing this concept. Alternatively, think about other ideas you could write.

Overall, I don't like this. I recommend reading the guides a little more in depth and coming up with different ideas that aren't based in existing pop culture. I don't recommend pre-drafting (writing your draft before ideas critique) because your narrative can change significantly following critique, among other reasons.

+ chronic-clinomania

- Close

Hey there! Obligatory I-can't-greenlight.

I personally like this idea, and I think it has potential.

The real problem is that you're lacking a narrative. Your central narrative isn't an outline of the physical format of your article, it's your storyline.

How does the SCP work? What sorts of punishments is it giving out? What are its criteria for judging whether people "spark joy" or not? Why is it even doing it in the first place?

You say you have a lot of ideas for testing logs; please tell me what they are. What tests are you writing, how do they work, and what are the results?

This reads as a comedy article, but I find it interesting that you didn't specify this in your post. Did you intend for your article to be comedy, or should it invoke different emotions?

The metaphor idea is absolutely something I did not consider when I first saw your thread in the forum and I think it would be a good direction to take your article, possibly at the expense of the comedy. Again, you need to think about the emotions you are trying to invoke in your writing.

I would suggest thinking more about your narrative and where you want the story to go. You sure do have an anomaly, but you haven't written a narrative here yet.

Hope that helps :)

Hi, sorry for the delay!

My main question here is "Why?". What are your anomaly's reasons for judging whether people "spark joy" or not? Why is it doing it?

The orange, blobby SCP is SCP-999.

The D-Class testing thing is pretty interesting, You could also have it vary based on crime committed, as well as the other factors you mentioned, if you wanted.

I think cross-testing opens a lot of doors, as much as I don't really like Series I, but I still think you're lacking a narrative somewhat and I'm worried that your article will end abruptly. To partially-steal a brainstorming method from another critter, you have characters and arguably you have a conflict but you don't really have a conclusion. How does this story end? Without a clear narrative timeline, you risk creating a disconnected group of incidents in your article, which isn't really what people are looking for anymore. I recommend reading some more recent (Series VI) articles before you consider this.

Comedy articles can also have dark metaphors and undertones, and vice versa. There's no one genre you have to stick to here, really, Making it funny in the beginning and gradually revealing the dark parts while keeping some of the humour would probably be a good way to do it.

As for writing dark, philosophical stuff, that'll come to you with practice. Nobody is born able to write well. If that's the direction you want to go in, I recommend reading dark, philosophical stuff, especially from more recent series. There's quite a lot of it on this site.

I'm really excited to see what comes out of this. It's a really crazy idea and I do genuinely like it.

+ Poppy Wonders/PoppyWonders

+ Dr-Noenihs/noenihs

- Close

Hello!

Quick crit time because I have a couple minutes and I saw this in #thecritters.

1) "SCP-XXXX" is how you should be referring to your anomaly in your ideas forum thread. You don't pick a number until you're about to post to the mainsite.

2) "Genre: Informative"????? Informative?? Please explain.

3) SCP-045 seems to be a standard article format? Bluntly, have you read more than one article?

4) Teleporting werewolf, as was said earlier in the IRC, is a very cliche idea. There's nothing inherently wrong with cliches, but without a narrative you have no original idea to fall back on. Without a narrative, you have no story.

5) I'm not a science person but why is your anomaly doing nuclear fusion?

6) Your central narrative really doesn't have anything to do with your anomaly. Like, at all. I mean, if you can justify it, then fair enough, but it seems like a completely different idea. Even then, it's not a super strong narrative.

7) "Grammar, punctuation" Yes, SPaG is in fact important.

8) "the tool bar" Do you mean the ACS?

9) I don't know if it's against the rules to link your draft in your ideas forum thread, but either way it's not recommended that you pre-draft, for various reasons as I said before in #thecritters, especially before reading the guides, because you should get critique first.

I recommend going away, actually reading the guides (multiple times) that Limeyy (I think it was Limeyy) and I sent you in #thecritters, deciding where you want to take your narrative, and then editing your forum thread accordingly.

Good luck.

Hello again.

You haven't really changed anything except the words. And redacting how your anomaly teleports is not going to aid your narrative. You need to explain the events that actually happen in your story and how it affects your characters. You have no original idea and no narrative, therefore you do not have a story.

I recommend, again, reading the guides (especially this one in relation to crafting your story and this one in relation to better formulating your ideas in this thread) and brainstorming some ideas in your sandbox and/or in #thecritters as to what could happen in your article.

Some questions to spark ideas:
1) Why is your anomaly a scientist? What area does it study or specialise in?
2) Did it become a werewolf first, or a scientist first?
3) Does it work for the Foundation? Does the Foundation know it's a werewolf?
4) What "shady business" is your anomaly involved in? How involved in "shady business" is your anomaly?
5) How does your anomaly feel about being a werewolf? What emotions are your readers supposed to feel?
6) Why are the answers to the above questions important or significant to your story?

I hope that helps.

+ ShadyApples/ShadyApples24

- Close

Hi! Sorry for the wait.

You need to remember that SCP articles are stories. To have a story, you need a narrative. You seem to have described the progression of one interview, and maybe a discovery log, but it seems weak and disconnected. I want to know more about your character and your anomaly (especially your anomaly) and how they interact with each other.

What's the significance of the symbols, and your anomaly's ability to speak "up to" 45 languages? Is it 45 or fewer? Why only 45 languages? There's a lot more languages in the world than that; how does it choose?

You haven't really mentioned anything about your anomaly's ability to see into the future in your central narrative. If you're going to include it, I want to hear about it (hint: I want to hear about it, please explain more). Regardless, it's a little cliche and you risk not having an original idea at the end of it.

In terms of where your narrative is focused, you could create a Tale. It needs a lot of work, but you have a character-focused story here, with your anomaly as a secondary thing.

In regards to your hook, you need one. Your hook is what makes people interested in your story, and you should want people to be interested in your story. I suggest thinking about what makes your story interesting.

Crit isn't "criticism", it's "critique". Concept crit helps you think about your idea in different ways and make it better.

In terms of "help", you can read this guide: http://www.scpwiki.com/how-to-write-an-scp, and talk to people in #thecritters and on this forum thread about your idea.

I hope that helps. Send me a Wikidot PM or a message/.tell in #thecritters if you reply here because I probably won't see otherwise.

21:08 <TawnyOwlJones> ShadyApples24: basically you need to say more to me than "i know i need a narrative". You need to explain the narrative so I can critique your idea.
21:08 <TawnyOwlJones> You said in your PM that your skip picks which language it speaks but in your forum thread, you said it was speaking multiple languages including german. I do want to know about the seeing into the future part because that's your story. If you don't know what you want to write yet, think about it first.
21:08 <ShadyApples24> ight
21:09 <TawnyOwlJones> you need a narrative progression. you have characters, and they need to do things
21:09 <TawnyOwlJones> tell me about your story, what ideas do you have?
21:10 <Bernard> heyo guys, i just had an idea for a scp, i havent posted it on the ideas forum yet because i still want to build on it but i want to know if the basic idea would work
21:10 <ShadyApples24> Im going to just brainstorm and do a braindump about in one of my idea's journal then after that make a forum thread about it
21:10 <ShadyApples24> i was a little to quick
21:10 <Limeyy> bernard hit me
21:10 <TawnyOwlJones> cheers Limeyy :)
21:11 <Limeyy> :))
21:11 <TawnyOwlJones> ShadyApples24: that's okay, I recommend updating your original forum thread instead of making a new one, unless your idea is incredibly different
21:11 <ShadyApples24> oh ok I will just do that
21:12 <ShadyApples24> Thx again for the help you ARE a very helpful person on this website :D
21:12 <TawnyOwlJones> awesome! feel free to PM me if you need a hand, and I'm happy to look at your thread again when you've changed it

+ Aaris Whyle/AarisWhyle

To be incredibly blunt, this doesn't seem to be going anywhere. You've got some base of a timeline, but what narrative you have seems like pointless torture of a basically-immortal X-Man child. I just don't see the point.

There's nothing inherently wrong with writing dark content, I like dark content, but you probably shouldn't attempt it as your first idea, especially when it comes from a presumably-self-insert, self-indulgent, h/c wattpad fic.

I'm not feeling any emotions from this, and your character doesn't seem to be either. From reading your forum thread, I genuinely do not care about your character.

Your ideas thread seems to be a cut-down version of a pre-draft. Generally, I don't mind considering pre-drafts in conjunction with well thought out ideas threads, but this is not that.

I recommend you go away and brainstorm ways to make your character less cliche and your narrative less monotonous. You need events in your narrative to make people want to read it, and it has to have an ending somewhere. I want to know who your character is, how she found this Site, how she reacts to her powers, and what emotions she's feeling regarding containment. I also want to know why she's being tortured and how your story ends. What's the point?

Hello again.

Disclaimer: I don't know anything about the Scarlet King; you might be better off asking for critique from somebody who does.

Your character would likely not be classified as Safe because she is a sentient humanoid. Try Euclid or Keter instead. Object Classes have nothing to do with how dangerous an object is either.

Death is hard to write and typically a dissatisfying ending. I still don't care about your character, and reading about her death doesn't spark any emotions either. I also don't understand why she's being tortured by the Foundation, especially at a Site that's still under construction, or why there's Foundation staff at your under-construction or abandoned Site.

I think you have too much going on, both with your character and your narrative. You've created a very-overpowered character; I would suggest limiting her anomalous affect to something specific and giving her a personality and some goals.

From the How To Write An SCP guide: "Reality-benders, magic users, or overtly superpowered people are really hard to do right. While some have been successfully pulled off, it usually takes a seasoned, experienced writer to do them well enough to not dive-bomb into a negative rating" and "If your humanoid has more than one anomalous effect or property, make sure that they make sense and go together".

Narrative-wise, I would suggest focusing on what happened to her in the cult, and take the torture stuff out of the Foundation section entirely. The Foundation are not always good people, but I don't see why they would pointlessly torture a child. The Foundation are cold, not cruel etc etc.

I hope that helps.

+ Chicken07

- Close

Hi! Sorry for the wait.

This certainly has the foundations of a good idea but I think you're including too many events and not enough detail about any of them.

You have 400 words to write your idea. You have used 125 of them, and only 80 on your central narrative. You obviously don't need to use all the words, but you should be giving more detail, especially about your narrative.

In terms of your actual idea, I think it's fairly original. I like it, but you don't really have a story yet. You need a narrative.

In regards to your central narrative, you have bullet points. I want to know the details.

Which Pagan festival or ritual is this? I'm immediately thinking Midnight Game, but, as a non-witchcraft-practising Pagan, I really don't know much about it, nor was it an annual ritual. The annual Pagan festivals are Yule, Imbolc, Ostara, Beltane, Litha, Lughnasadh, Mabon, and Samhain, although some Pagans and witches choose to celebrate deity-based festivals as well. I suggest you do more research into your setting.

There's nothing wrong with just saying "a Pagan ritual", but it does feel like you're ignoring that Paganism was and still is a religion rather than just some scary horror story plot device.

Religion rant over, I want to know more about your ghost. How did he die? Why did he die? Why is he a ghost? Does he have some sort of purpose to fulfill? What does he do at the carnival? Is he only there when the carnival is happening? Why? Or why not? What emotions is he feeling? What emotions am I supposed to be feeling when I read your story? Am I supposed to feel sad for him? I don't…

In regards to the guy who sees your ghost, how is he affected?

What is the relevance of the child? What's the significance of your ghost being able to procreate with living people? Why does it matter?

How does your story end?

Essentially you've got the skeleton of an interesting idea here, but you definitely need more detail about your central narrative.

I hope that helps. Please feel free to reply here with answers to my questions, or come into #thecritters on IRC and send me a tell (I'll get back to you).

Hi!

Lots of questions here. Take your time thinking about the answers, you don't need to answer with the first thing that comes into your head.

Why is it important that your anomaly is sentient? How does its sentience play into the narrative? If it wasn't sentient, how would the story change?

Why only follow one D-Class? Testing often requires multiple different conditions, therefore you probably need more D-Class. If you specifically want to focus on one D-Class, I suggest making this a Tale rather than an article. If you're trying to focus on the effects of the anomaly, write an article. If you're focusing more on the emotions your character is feeling, consider a Tale.

I want to know more about the effects. Do all affected people feel the same effects? Are the effects instantaneous or do they occur in separately? If they occur separately, do they occur in the same order for every person? Do they continue even after the music had stopped? Can the people take the headphones off as they wish, and, if they can, does the anomaly have the same effect on them? Does use of your anomaly always lead to death, and does it take the same amount of time for the person to die? Do they always die the same way? What changes it?

This is me making it clear you will likely want to describe the effects of your anomaly as well as how the affected people feel and how they react to those feelings. "They just die" is not particularly satisfying, put some thought into it.

Object Class does not have anything to do with danger, but rather with ease of containment. The classification you are probably looking for is the Risk Class in the ACS.12

I want to know why your anomaly suddenly created a sound loud enough to kill multiple Foundation personnel when it did not previously do that. Unless it did previously do that, in which case you need to make that clear.

Overall, I think this idea has a lot of potential. It's a little barebones right now, but it's got something. Send me a tell on #thecritters if you reply here. :)

The sentience makes a lot more sense than it did before, thank you for explaining. I think if you're taking sentience into account then you need to explain the emotions that your anomaly experiences as well as the emotions your D-Class character(s) experience(s). i.e you need to explain that the headphones emitted that sound because it was scared. An additional question: Does it know it's killing people?

+ BeautifulBaguette/BeautifulBaguetteBeing

Hi.

(Staff, I apologise in advance if any of this is ad hominem, I really tried to avoid it)

I saw your coldposts earlier and I have a lot to say about both your coldposts and this idea, but I'll keep it short.

This is an incredibly ableist idea. Treating autistic people as non-human is not a good look. I also don't understand how it's relevant to your story that your character is autistic and I feel like your story just exists to vilify disabled people.

If you are not autistic, you should not be writing about autistic people, especially not without at least having spoken to a wide variety of autistic people. If you are autistic, you should probably write about autistic people and experiences other than "not-quite-human white male teenager/young child hurts people maybe-not-on-purpose". We most certainly do not need more stereotyping. (Also please do not use "autistic" as a noun if you aren't autistic please and thank you.)

In regards to your actual idea, you're missing a lot of information. What kind of catastrophic event is your anomaly creating? If you are treating meltdowns as catastrophic events, that is ableism. That includes replacing meltdowns with reality-bending catastropies. Do you mean any overstimulating sound or visual? Or are you planning on keeping this autistic child in sensory deprivation? If you are planning on doing that, I suggest not doing that. Again, it's very ableist.

What is the creature and how does your character interact with it? How does it interact with your character?

Abled people being scared of disabled people is ableist. Do not write that. There is nothing inherently wrong with writing bigoted characters, although I certainly don't recommend it in your first article, but writing a skip where the characters are incredibly bigoted and you as the author condone the bigotry is incredibly dangerous and traumatising to disabled people.

Overall I don't like this idea. Feel free to seek other people's opinions but I advise coming up with other ideas.

+ Professor_Ian23

- Close

Hi!

I like this idea, but I had to read it through multiple times before I even understood the basic premise. I think you've probably got too much going on at once.

I originally took it that the doppelgangers were copies of the people who created the space in time, and that made sense in my head, but I think what you were actually going for is that the people who create the space in time (or cause the anomaly to create it) summon somebody else who is then murdered by a doppelganger of themselves. However, you then go on to say that a little boy was murdered after he stepped onto the field, which contradicts your previous statement.

(I'm using the latter interpretation for the rest of the crit; if you want me to interpret it another way, please tell me and I will happily do so.)

Are the doppelgangers sentient? Do they feel things? Do they know that they're murdering copies of themselves? How do they feel about it?

If the doppelgangers stop existing once the original person leaves the field, how do the murders occur in places outside the field? Can the doppelgangers leave on their own accord, and if they can, how are they then killing the original copies of themselves? If they kill the copy and then leave, is it obvious that they're not the same person?

What investigation ensues to trace the doppelgangers back to the field, and how are you going to show it in your article? If the Foundation are tracing multiple doppelgangers, why do they only find one person?

Does the amusement park exist in "real life"? i.e. does it disappear when the people leave the field? If so, why not in case?

What are the interesting parts of the diary and the exploration log that further the story? What do the Foundation find out about the anomaly from the diary and the explanation log?

The Foundation don't typically lose things. I'm willing to forgive that, but don't make them look incompetent; they aren't.

What happens in the "disaster scenario"? Does a specific event trigger it? A specific person?

Is there somebody controlling the field, or does it act on its own accord? Does it choose who is affected?

I'm not a fan of "Foundation uses anomaly to take advantage of things". Unless you already have something planned, it's generally enough to just contain the object.

I hope that helps. Please feel free to reply here if you want to answer my questions and/or you have more to say.

[Noting I didn't save logs from before this because I'm dumb, this conversation lasted over an hour]

<emb3R> the children had fun with the stuffed snowman, but complained to the witch that the snow was always melting. they wanted everlasting snow
<emb3R> so, the witch tried to fix it, but failed, and instead cast an eternal winter on top of her house
<emb3R> thinking that it was a success, the children grabbed the snowman and hurried home
<TawnyOwlJones> okay. what happens next? what are the repercussions of that?
<emb3R> The parents saw what the snowman was doing to everything inorganic. They threw the snowman away, only to have their trash can turn into snow
<TawnyOwlJones> stuffed snowman as in like a toy?
<emb3R> so, they asked the children where they got the snowman from, and they talked about the witch
<emb3R> yes, stuffed snowman
<emb3R> the toy
<TawnyOwlJones> okay
<TawnyOwlJones> so what do they say about the witch? and are they talking to their parents? remember that the Foundation have to factor into this
<emb3R> parents didn't believe
<emb3R> as usual
<emb3R> and uh thats all i have for now
<emb3R> im thinking about how to put the foundation into this
<TawnyOwlJones> can you answer my questions please?
<emb3R> the parents didn't believe the children, saying it was just a "made-up story". But then one of the children said "if a witch is not real, how come the snowman turning everything to snow is real?"
<emb3R> The the parents visited the witch
<emb3R> then*
<emb3R> seeing how the witch's house had snow falling on it, but everything else was sunny, they immediately knew that the children were telling the truth
<emb3R> so they entered the house, which was for some reason, unlocked
<emb3R> as soon as the witch saw the snowman, she grabbed it, stuffed it in a plastic bag full of grass, and made it vanish
<emb3R> and it appeared on mt kilimanjaro
<emb3R> then the foundation found it
<TawnyOwlJones> okay, you've got a backstory! congrats
<TawnyOwlJones> what happens once the foundation have it?
<TawnyOwlJones> "Describe the story beats or overarching context/"big picture" for your piece" is the summary for what you need to say in your central narrative. You need to give a brief description of what your anomaly does, but mostly you need to focus on how the story progresses. How does the Foundation come into this? How does your story end? To quote
<TawnyOwlJones> cybersqyd: knowing what the SCP does is fine but you also have to consider the Foundation here; what the Foundation does and like, how they interact with the SCP is generally more important than what the SCP can do
<emb3R> the foundation visits the witch cuz the location was written in the back
<emb3R> and they find the house of eternal winter
<emb3R> they break down the door only to find the house empty
<emb3R> they look in the rooms and find a skeleton, presumably the witch
<TawnyOwlJones> stop.
<TawnyOwlJones> you're detracting from the narrative.
<emb3R> how?
<TawnyOwlJones> ignore the witch, the witch doesn't matter once you've got the backstory because the foundation have custody of the snowman and it's the snowman that's the anomaly
<emb3R> ok
<TawnyOwlJones> what do the foundation do with the snowman, how do they react to it?
<emb3R> they run tests first
<emb3R> to see what the snowman can turn into snow
<emb3R> metals, plastic, and any inorganic material turns into snow
<emb3R> however, organic material such as grass and animals don't react to it at all
<TawnyOwlJones> okay, and how are you going to make those tests interesting?
<emb3R> hmmm
<emb3R> i dont know
<TawnyOwlJones> how are the results of the tests going to give the reader information they haven't considered before
<emb3R> i dont know
<TawnyOwlJones> presumably you will describe your backstory through one or multiple logs, so you've already got something
<TawnyOwlJones> you need to show a present narrative to tie up the ending
<emb3R> maybe i can add something
<emb3R> inroganic material turns into snow, and organic material doesn't, but there is exception
<emb3R> those who love summer and spring over fall and winter will immediately get frostbite after touching the snowman
<emb3R> all over their hand
<TawnyOwlJones> stop.
<TawnyOwlJones> don't add more anomalous abilities
<emb3R> ok
<TawnyOwlJones> it massively complicates things
<TawnyOwlJones> remember, you can't let your characters overshadow your narrative
<emb3R> i don't know how to make the tests interesting
<TawnyOwlJones> like, um, one of my favourite skips, the anomaly is just a long-ass fish but it barely features at all because the narrative is about a research team that creates a fish cult because they get really bored. (SCP-5320)
<TawnyOwlJones> granted, most stories aren't like that and you generally shouldn't go for comedy first time, but the point still stands
<TawnyOwlJones> okay, let's try something else
<TawnyOwlJones> how else could the story end?
<TawnyOwlJones> without doing tests to show the anomaly's abilities
<TawnyOwlJones> the snowman is in the foundation's custody, what now?
<emb3R> maybe there can be several incidents
<TawnyOwlJones> this is a safe-class object, yes?
<emb3R> i mean, i can just say that the foundation threw it inside a cell and its over
<emb3R> yeah, its safe
<TawnyOwlJones> hmm you could
<TawnyOwlJones> that might be an unsatisfying ending though
<TawnyOwlJones> that being said, if you want to write up your backstory into your ideas forum thread (using the template) then you've got the start of a narrative and somebody else can pick it up from there
<emb3R> yeah
<TawnyOwlJones> i'd be happy to take a look at it once you've collected your ideas
<emb3R> so we have the witch backstory, which is cool i guess
<emb3R> i just dont know how to make it interesting after they discovered the snowman
<TawnyOwlJones> i don't know either
<emb3R> cuz its safe class, so you can just say "oh they ran some tests and then threw it in a cell"
<TawnyOwlJones> write up the forum thread now, and note down anything that comes to you about the snowman
<emb3R> ok
<TawnyOwlJones> if you think about the scp article format, you can just say "SCP-XXXX is contained in a standard item locker at Site-Whatever", you don't need to make a huge point of it
<emb3R> should I specify what the witch is
<TawnyOwlJones> which means you can't really use it as your ending
<TawnyOwlJones> rephrase the part about the witch please?
<emb3R> it might be confusing if i just said "yeah its witch"
<TawnyOwlJones> im confused
<emb3R> like, people would probably ask about how the witch got her powers and all that
<TawnyOwlJones> the witch is a character here
<emb3R> yes]
<TawnyOwlJones> they don't care about the witch, the witch is not your anomaly
<emb3R> but im afraid if I include the witch, people would be more focused on the witch than the snowman
<emb3R> plus, how would the foundation know about the witch anyways
<TawnyOwlJones> the foundation can discover the existence of the witch by conducting interviews with, for example, the kids' parents
<emb3R> oh yeah
<emb3R> ok
<emb3R> so interviews are how they know
<TawnyOwlJones> you need to include the witch in your backstory as it is now, but you need to not let the characters overshadow the narrative
<TawnyOwlJones> yeah, or other kinds of logs
<TawnyOwlJones> or artifacts, like letters
<emb3R> ok

Hi!

(Noting that the majority of my crit for this concept was in IRC PMs)

You've explained the backstory fairly well (with the exception of some inconsistencies between your elevator pitch and your central narrative), but you still don't have a narrative here.

How were the Foundation alerted of the anomaly's existence? What do they do with the anomaly once they've contained it? Remember that how the Foundation interact with anomalies is more important than what your anomaly does and, arguably, what happens to it before the Foundation find it.

You say in your Hook about the interactions between your anomaly and other objects; what are those interactions, and what do they tell us about the anomaly that we don't already know?

I hope that helps. Feel free to reply here or send me a tell in #thecritters if you have more to say.

+ Agent Brophy/AgentBrophy

- Close

Hi!

You have an interesting premise here, but it's not original nor do you have a narrative. Without an original idea to fall back on, you risk your story failing should your narrative not be strong enough.

The thing is, banshees, as you have described them, exist in folklore and religion. It's fine to use ideas from folklore but you still need to build a story. What you have at the moment is the equivalent of saying "demons exist" and not expanding on your story. Showing how the Foundation interact with your anomaly is more important than describing what your anomaly does.

Who are your characters? Who interacts with the banshee? How do the Foundation interact with the banshee? What are the major plot points in your story, and how does it end?

(Also remember you have 400 words to write your idea. You have used 78 words, and only 30 in your central narrative. SCP articles are short stories and you need characters and a narrative to make a story.)

I hope that helps. Feel free to reply here or tag me in #thecritters if you have answers to my questions or more to say.

Why is the old man exempt from dying? And why does the banshee agree to spend time with him? By making the old man anomalous as well, you risk creating characters which overshadow your narrative, while also detracting from the banshee as your anomalous object.

Banshee in folklore herald death; they don't kill the people, they predict it. Why is this banshee different? Killing everybody in the vicinity seems a little rash too.

Why is the old man talking to D-Class personnel? Both in the sense that interviews are typically conducted by researchers, and in the sense that if the banshee kills everyone within a 1km radius every time somebody approaches it, how did the Foundation take custody of the old man?

If you want to take your story in this direction (i.e. showing the relationship between the old man and the banshee), I would suggest writing a Tale format, rather than an SCP article, because the anomaly and the Foundation are not the sole focus of your story.

Regardless of the format, the Foundation still need to feature and you still need to show how they react to the anomaly. "Scary monster kills Foundation people" is not a fantastic plotline.

How does your story end? It feels very anti-climatic at the moment, because it doesn't feature anything that happens after the Foundation takes custody of the old man. Do they take custody of the anomaly? That's what they should be trying to do, because your anomaly is the focus here. Remember that the Foundation are writing the articles in-universe, and they are writing a document about the anomaly.

+ PilotAbyss1000

- Close

Hi!

(Just a note that if this is your first article on the site you should be seeking greenlights. Even if you feel you don't need them, having them will help you later on. Having greenlights does not mean you have to write the article.)

Humanising your anomaly is an interesting (/pos) angle to approach an SCP article because the Foundation typically dehumanise their anomalies.

Currently, you have an extremely hostile presumably-Keter murder monster that becomes more human. I want to know how it becomes more human. What is the reason for it gaining emotions and what happens in your story that makes it suddenly start feeling things?

I want to know about your anomaly's emotions too. How does it feel knowing that it killed people?

The main problem with this is that you're lacking a narrative. SCP articles are short stories disguised as scientific reports, not just descriptions of anomalies. Who are your characters and how do they interact with the SCP? What's the conflict here? What are the main plot points in your story and how does your story end?

Remember that the Foundation are writing the article in-universe, and that ultimately it's about them. What the Foundation does and how they interact with the anomaly is generally more important than what the anomaly does.

In regards to your additional notes section, your article will probably be set out using a standard article format, unless you choose to write it in a different way (i.e. using a format screw, which is generally not recommended for new writers). The hook will come to you when you think more about your narrative. Think about why you want to write this article and what makes it interesting to you.

(Also remember you have 400 words to write your idea. You have used 158 words, and only 46 words in your central narrative. SCP articles are short stories and you need characters and a narrative to make a story.)

I hope that helps! Please feel free to reply here or send me a tell in #thecritters if you have more to say.

+ PeeteIsAcUtie

- Close

Hi!

You've got a lot going on here.

Trying to write a skip with multiple, separate anomalies is generally not a good idea, especially for first-time authors. Your anomaly is a location, basically, so of course it can contain other anomalous beings, but those anomalies being "Keter-class murder monster" and "reality bender" just comes across as you wanting to write those anomalies rather than the spacial anomaly inside the painting. You also haven't really explained how they feature in your story, beyond the things they do. How do they interact with your characters?

Using compulsion (i.e. having your anomaly force characters to touch it, rather than them doing it of their own free will) is a cliche and generally hinders your narrative. "Thing that makes you crazy and suicidal" is, once again, a cliche. If you can explain how it is relevant to your narrative, then by all means keep it in, but at the moment it just serves to add surplus information.

How did the people become trapped inside the anomaly? You could write this as a one-time thing, or as something your anomaly does (i.e. touch the anomaly, get trapped).

I think it would be better to show the story, at least partially, from the perspective of the people trapped inside the anomaly. You could do this by writing in a Tale format and switching between the two perspectives (of the people trapped inside the anomaly, and of Dr Peterej and O5-1), or in an SCP format with letters or other forms of communication from the trapped people.

on the order of the Overseer council the SCP is destroyed during a containment breach

I don't think the O5 would order a containment breach? And the Foundation don't destroy anomalies except in very specific circumstances. If the Foundation do destroy the painting, what happens to the world and the people inside it? How does Dr Peterej feel about this?

Teal deer: I want to know more about your characters and how they interact with the anomaly. You have a faint narrative here that is definitely workable, but you focus too much on cliche things your anomaly does to people and not enough on the narrative and its progression.

I hope that helps. Feel free to reply here or send me a tell in #thecritters if you have more to say.

+ PotatoShreds

- Close

Hi! Sorry for the wait.

I'm really torn here. On one hand, you've clearly put a lot of thought into the specifics of your narrative, and it's fairly fleshed out; I am interested in this story. On the other hand it plays into a lot of cliches and elements that are very hard to write, especially when adhering to the standards of the mainsite.

The potential issues:

Humanoid SCP: Not inherently bad, just hard to write, especially for first-time authors.

The containment procedures are essentially "give it what it wants". Employing the anomaly isn't really a thing that would happen (remember that the Foundation is a prison). In the cases where the Foundation uses anomalies for things, they are using them, not employing them.

"X-Man syndrome": Your anomaly is risking becoming an OC, rather than an SCP. If you focus too much on your anomaly's emotions along with their abilities, you risk making them into a comic book superhero, and that's not what they are.

I don't really understand the bit about the promise, and you should elaborate on that as part of your central narrative section in this thread.

(This is mostly a personal one): When writing about mental illness or other sensitive topics, please make sure you treat it accurately and with respect.

Neutral things

If your anomaly is nonverbal, you need to look into AAC. Using some form of AAC (whether it's sign language or an AAC app or something less "technical" like using body language) would allow your anomaly to communicate with its team, and with the Foundation as a whole.

The good things!

Narrative progression looks good, you've got an anomaly, you've got the Foundation, you've got your story set up, you've got a clear conflict. I'm slightly worried about the conclusion, because it currently ends on a cliffhanger, but if you explain what "the promise" is and how it fits into your story then it shouldn't be an issue.

I think this would be more interesting as a Tale, as opposed to an SCP article, purely because it's shown from your anomaly's perspective rather than the Foundation's.

I hope that helps. Feel free to reply here or send me a tell in #thecritters if you have more to say.

Hi!

I wasn't sure about the employing anomalies thing so I asked in #thecritters and apparently it is allowed, but you have to be careful with it because 1) a lot of people don't like it and 2) it can come off as being self-insert-y. A lot of the "older" researchers (think Bright, Clef, Kain Pathos-Crow) are anomalous but they were researchers first and anomalies second afaik. Teal deer: as long as you write it well and it furthers your narrative rather than just happening for the sake of it, it's fine.

Referring back to that and also to the X-Man syndrome question, remember to treat your anomaly like an object. Unless you decide to change your central narrative, the Foundation are only letting it out of containment to exploit its anomalous ability. That doesn't inherently mean they treat it badly, but it's probably not as important as it thinks it is.

In regards to the teleportation, I don't know. I think the "breaking the line of sight" thing is important, because it signifies your anomaly physically and metaphorically running away from its problems. However, I think you may run into an issue where you over-complicate your anomaly by making the teleportation feature more than it should.

If you are going to (or think you might) include the backstory in the draft, I want to see what you have on it so far. Other than maybe brief (but followed-through) references to her promise, the backstory should generally not feature majorly, lest it ends up overshadowing the rest of the narrative. If we're left questioning what the promise is, it's not going to be a super-satisfying ending.

In regards to the AAC and PTSD stuff, you seem to have it down. As long as you research and are respectful and accurate in your representation of disabled people, it's fine to write about them.

While I do agree that this would be interesting as an SCP article, Tales give you more scope to show your anomaly's reactions to things. However, it is definitely possible to write one person's emotions from the perspective of another. I don't think there's any issues with you writing this as an article, it just depends on what works for you and your reviewers at the time of writing.

In terms of cliches, I don't think there are that many here. Other than the things we've already talked about, your idea is pretty solid and your narrative seems fairly mapped-out.

Please do let me know if you want more critique from me; I'm very excited to see what you do with this. Good luck!

+ Blaze_dragon/BlazeDragon

+ vscoober

- Close

19:28 <TawnyOwlJones> vscoober: You don't have a narrative in your idea. SCP articles are stories, and you need a narrative. You also haven't gone into much detail about how your characters interact with your anomaly, and the Foundation don't feature at all. I'm interested in hearing about the Potential New GoI though.
19:28 <vscoober> well, the GOI would be the Children of Manson
19:29 <vscoober> and the general narrative would be the interaction between the music from The Beatles and Charles Manson's interpretation and usage of them
19:29 <TawnyOwlJones> Okay, so tell me about them. What do they do in relation to your anomaly?
19:30 <vscoober> essentially, Charles Manson declares himself a god on the basis that he can control others through simply playing the guitar, but only when he plays The Beatles
19:30 <vscoober> like Helter Skelter, or Strawberry Fields Forever
19:31 <TawnyOwlJones> okay. and the songs themselves are memetic?
19:31 <vscoober> yes
19:31 <TawnyOwlJones> okay, and what's the point?
19:31 <vscoober> to explain the power behind Charles Manson's group and their actions
19:32 <vscoober> cause their group was tightly knit and almost no one gave up any information during the investigations
19:32 <TawnyOwlJones> (excuse me for not knowing anything about Charles Manson; i'm going to google some things)
19:32 <vscoober> every member claimed that "Charlie would know if they talked" and i want to suppose an idea as to why
19:33 <vscoober> it's cool, i'm a fanatic for true crimes so it's gonna be a lil overwhelming
19:33 <TawnyOwlJones> okay cool i know who we're talking about now
19:34 <vscoober> yes, funny 5'8 man who killed people
19:34 <vscoober> or i think he was shorter, maybe 5'4
19:36 <TawnyOwlJones> the memetic songs in themselves are a cool idea in theory, though you still need to explain where you plan to take this as a story, but i think you might be going too far with blaming music for the murders of multiple, very-real people. it just seems insensitive.
19:38 <vscoober> true
19:38 <vscoober> the intention was to blame the music for the control, not the actions
19:38 <vscoober> i'm still very much blaming Charles Manson for orchestrating
19:42 <TawnyOwlJones> vscoober: i understand that. cults are still very real too though, and cult leaders (with a very small number of potential exceptions) should be blamed for them. teal deer: the idea was cool until you started memeing it ("funny short man who kills people"). True crime is interesting, but you shouldn't be idolising serial killers or making jokes
19:42 <TawnyOwlJones> about their murders. feel free to talk to another critter; i thank you for your time but i'm not interested in taking this idea any further.
19:42 <vscoober> understandable, thank you for your time
19:43 <TawnyOwlJones> vscoober: of course :)

+ Petdoc2021

- Close

Petdoc2021: so, it's a lighthouse that (unknowingly?) consumes the world because it's interested in studying things? What perspective are you going to show the story from?
19:55 <Petdoc2021> From the researchers and D personnel perspective
19:56 <TawnyOwlJones> okay. how are your characters interacting with the lighthouse?
19:58 <Petdoc2021> the researchers would try to study it by approaching it (this will fail). Later D class would be exclusively used to collect samples and take video of the aftereffects of the entities visit.
20:00 <TawnyOwlJones> what's your conflict?
20:03 <Petdoc2021> Ok so with the first interaction the lighthouse is the scp foundation trying to study it. They go through the motions of evacuating the area and setting up sites, what have you. This interferes with the entities research. For the first occurrence the SCP leaves and goes dormant for a while. The next time it returns it takes the researchers. This
20:03 <Petdoc2021> causes the SCP to become interested in the SCP Foundation and seek them out.
20:04 <Petdoc2021> Whoops XD
20:05 <TawnyOwlJones> and the lighthouse is sentient? and sapient, presumably. how does it feel about the Foundation interfering with its study, and how does it communicate that?
20:09 <Petdoc2021> I was torn between deciding if it is actually upset or not. It could be it found something it felt was interesting but now something else has come along that is even better. Like i was looking for gold but found diamonds. Where did this come from is there more?
20:10 <Petdoc2021> I should probably be using commas.
20:11 <TawnyOwlJones> Petdoc2021: can you rephrase what you said before?
20:14 <Petdoc2021> Basically, I would say the SCP is know intrigued with the foundation so now it seeks them out.
20:14 <Petdoc2021> Damn still no comma.
20:14 <TawnyOwlJones> and how does it know about the Foundation's existence?
20:15 <TawnyOwlJones> don't worry about the commas, this is the crit chat, punctuation doesn't exist, it says, using four commas in a sentence
20:16 <Petdoc2021> Ah! By studying the researchers. The researchers know of a sites location so the entity would visit and "study" the site.
20:18 <TawnyOwlJones> Petdoc2021: nice, now we're getting somewhere. you said your story was written from the perspectives of the Foundation researchers. How do they respond to the lighthouse studying them?
20:22 <Petdoc2021> At first they would send out mobile task force to the entity (This fails.) Then they try to evacuate the site but quickly find they can not leave. Things within the facility begin to warp, time is sped up or slowed down, things decay or are rejuvenated.
20:31 <TawnyOwlJones> Petdoc2021: but what are the implications of the foundation's actions? the facility existing in a messed-up time bubble is your conflict but what's your conclusion?
20:37 <Petdoc2021> TawnyOwlJones That by interfering with something they don't understand has caused an entity to target them. If they had left it alone it would have been more than happy to continue studying and collecting mundane things. It's the arrogance of thinking they can control anything which may leave to their down fall.

+ TopDownUnder/Top

- Close

"Containment of SCP-XXXX focuses on the suppression of information of the entity instead of physical containment." This sentence is mostly fine but I feel like "information of the entity" doesn't fit? "Knowledge of the existence of the entity" is longer and may sacrifice the clinical tone but also may convey your meaning better.

"Individuals reported as missing" —-> "Individuals reported missing"

Although there is no canon and you can do whatever you want, I recommend reading the amnestics guides. Three days is not a particularly long time to be missing memories, especially given the traumatic circumstances, and I personally believe the Foundation would probably not bother providing a witness with false memories for such a short period of time.

Why are "good relations" required between the Foundation and SCP-XXXX?

Add a footnote containing the definition of "ontokinesis". I know it means "reality bending" but if this is the first article a person reads it's likely they'll have to google it which might make them less interested in reading the rest of the article.

What makes SCP-XXXX "on par with a Class-II reality bender" instead of BEING a Class-II reality bender?

What does "SAFE" stand for?

I take personal issue with 3-10 days being a "prolonged" period of time but honestly the word choice is fine and I can't think of a better alternative.

Why does SCP-XXXX feel the need to help people? What's its motive? What does it gain?

The Jacob Fisher Journal is good so far, obviously needs more entries but I know it isn't finished. My only issue is that Jacob Fisher is also your research head; you either need to justify that/explain it in the story or change his name.

Overall, I like this story. It's got a clear narrative, and fleshed-out characters. Writing it as an Archon entity is interesting, I'd like to hear more about why it shouldn't be contained. Presumably it's not only one entity, and therefore the Foundation could contain one instance of it and leave the rest.

Alternatively, if it is only one entity, how does it travel so far? How does it choose who to save?

22:31 <Top> "Why are "good relations" required between the Foundation and SCP-XXXX?" The idea is that, if the Foundation is on good terms with the entity, it'd be more likely for it to save MIA Foundation employees
22:31 <Top> "What makes SCP-XXXX "on par with a Class-II reality bender" instead of BEING a Class-II reality bender?" I realized I kinda didn't have a reason for wording it like this, so I just changed it to make SCP-XXXX a Class-II
22:32 <Top> "What does "SAFE" stand for?" It honestly doesn't mean anything, I just liked how it looked like that
22:33 <Top> "Why does SCP-XXXX feel the need to help people? What's its motive? What does it gain?" I'd like to imagine that SCP-XXXX is doing this out of the goodness of its heart. It's not gaining anything out of this
22:33 <Top> I did, however, have an idea for another reason why its doing this, but I'm not sure if I wanna implement or not
22:35 <Top> "My only issue is that Jacob Fisher is also your research head; you either need to justify that/explain it in the story or change his name." The idea for this is to subtly imply that, after the Foundation got his journal and he graduated, they hired him and brought him on as Research Head for SCP-XXXX
22:36 <Top> "Writing it as an Archon entity is interesting, I'd like to hear more about why it shouldn't be contained." Honestly, I'm seeing this as the Foundation not wanting to contain but because it's beneficial to humanity, and it'd do more harm to physically contain it than to let it roam free.
22:37 <Top> I know there's articles out there where the Foundation contains anomalies regardless of whether not it helps people, but I want this to be nice, wholesome little article
22:40 <Top> "Alternatively, if it is only one entity, how does it travel so far? How does it choose who to save?" If anything, it probably uses teleportation. I also thought about apportion, cause that'd leave EVE wherever it goes, making the job easier for the Foundation, but I'm not sure
22:40 <Top> I think that's all the questions you had, but I might've missed some
22:45 <TawnyOwlJones> hi! sorry for the delay, im in about five different conversations atm
22:46 <Top> no, thats alright! im open all day, so feel free to just respond whenever you can!
22:50 <TawnyOwlJones> 1+2+3) fine, those are fair justifications
22:50 <TawnyOwlJones> 4) interesting. I feel you need to specify this, at least through some sort of speculation. feel free to tell me about the idea
22:50 <TawnyOwlJones> 5) I think you need a timeline. if you're using the research head's diary entries in his own article, you need to explain that, or at least note the current date vs the date the articles were written.
22:50 <TawnyOwlJones> 6) fair. i do love a wholesome article
22:50 <TawnyOwlJones> 7) first half is reasonable, and it's up to you to decide how it moves around. i still want to know how it chooses who to save. what are the criteria?
23:05 <Top> oh, i forgot to answer the last half of the last question. my bad! honestly, i could see it preferring to save younger people over older ones. insert something about younger people having more potential

+ DrMarcusWier/DrMarcusWier5

+ Quadraginta εїз

+ Ethagon

- Close

You probably shouldn't have unspecified ConProcs. If you're going to specify later on in the article, you need to put the number in the ConProcs and say something like "as was established through testing".

Also, why is no human allowed near your anomaly? You need to either explain that, or delete the sentence.

"Subject to modernisation" doesn't mean anything to me. I understand what it means from reading the rest of the article, but you need to explain what it means in your description.

"Special Containment Procedures involving the Imprisonment of Sandra Packwood are disallowed until this evidence is provided". Is she not in prison in your ConProcs? I'm confused.

"And what if you are wrong and there is an anomaly present" —-> "And what if you are wrong and there is an anomaly present?"

General SPaG errors throughout your observation log.

Do smartboards not rely on overhead projectors?

Your footnote link doesn't work. I don't know if that's intentional.

What's the point of the magnet?

Actually, what's the point of any of your observation log? I get that it displays what your anomaly does, but it's also really the only time your anomaly is mentioned, which makes your narrative incredibly disjointed. Your anomaly barely factors into your story at all.

I suggest looking at this from a different angle, since the ethical argument that happening in the phone calls is interesting. I want to know why the Foundation have a department that isn't the Ethics Committee, yet seems to be deciding which anomalies shouldn't be contained.

Overall I like the idea, but the characters (especially your anomaly) needs more development and your narrative needs work. I recommend redrafting, and I'm happy to take another look then.

21:25 <TawnyOwlJones> happy to have a conversation about any of these points
21:28 <Ethagon> First of, thanks for the crit!
21:28 <TawnyOwlJones> absolutely no problem :)
21:29 <Ethagon> The point about the unspecified ConProcs and Description was supposed to be that there are just not sure at that point how the anomaly actually functions
21:29 <TawnyOwlJones> one second, let me grab your draft again
21:32 <TawnyOwlJones> okay, so i think your acs bar serves that purpose. the conprocs and description just really look… unfinished? and theyre not connected to the rest of the story because you never clarify that theyre unfinished in-universe. if that makes sense?
21:34 <Ethagon> Do you think another sentence in the description would be enough for that?
21:35 <TawnyOwlJones> i don't know, i think it would depend on the sentence
21:36 <TawnyOwlJones> i also think you need to justify why "no human is to come closer to the Containment Chamber of SCP-XXXX than its influence radius" and explain about modernisation in your description
21:38 <Ethagon> Something along the lines of "What exactly this entails has yet to be established through testing after SCP-XXXX is contained"
21:38 <TawnyOwlJones> hmm
21:38 <TawnyOwlJones> maybe
21:39 <Ethagon> The human thing is just that they don't want people to be anomalously be influenced. I think I'll just delete that part
21:39 <TawnyOwlJones> i think your description should account for the whole article rather than leaving people to find out your containment procedures further down the article
21:40 <TawnyOwlJones> yeah, that's fine. as i said before, either mention it in the logs or delete it entirely
21:43 <Ethagon> I'll think about something a bit less broad then "modernization", but to be honest I want the gist of it revealed in the observation log
21:44 <TawnyOwlJones> yeah, that's fair
21:45 <Ethagon> And what if you are wrong and there is an anomaly present, what was the mistake here?
21:45 <TawnyOwlJones> oh, put a question mark on the end, it's a question
21:45 <Ethagon> Aaah
21:47 <Ethagon> Is there a different name specifically old overhead projectors, that can only project transparent foils? That's what is being replaced by a smartboard
21:47 <Ethagon> *specifically for
21:47 <TawnyOwlJones> oh, i dont know
21:47 <TawnyOwlJones> one second
21:48 <TawnyOwlJones> i know what you mean, but i dont know what to replace it with
21:48 <TawnyOwlJones> i suggest just describing it?
21:49 <Ethagon> okay
21:52 <Ethagon> So the point of the observation log was to, a bit in parallel to the phone calls, showcase changes. most of these are positive, but then you come to more negative ones like only having online lectures, ambulance only being eletrical or the magnet in the hand as a bit of an extrem
21:52 <TawnyOwlJones> okay
21:53 <TawnyOwlJones> it works in parallel to the phone calls; it's kind of disconnected, but it works i guess
21:53 <TawnyOwlJones> why does it matter whether they're positive or negative effects? what influences that?
21:57 <Ethagon> Hmm I think positive and negative are the wrong terms. More going too far with modernization like Roberts thinks Weld does
21:59 <TawnyOwlJones> like Roberts thinks Weld does what? goes too far?
21:59 <TawnyOwlJones> although, that's fair
21:59 <Ethagon> yeah
21:59 <TawnyOwlJones> why the magnet though? why/how/etc i.e. what is the point of the magnet
22:01 <Ethagon> I wanted something really extreme. Maybe an implanted key card would be better?
22:04 <TawnyOwlJones> key card would be cool. i still don't understand why she would do it though?
22:08 <Ethagon> The pacemaker is influencing her decisions. Instead of caring a key card (or a regular key) around you can have one implanted
22:09 <TawnyOwlJones> OH
22:09 <TawnyOwlJones> so the ACS bar at the bottom of the page was part of your draft? i presumed it was a different anomaly
22:09 <TawnyOwlJones> one second
22:10 <TawnyOwlJones> well that makes a bit more sense
22:10 <TawnyOwlJones> okay
22:19 <Ethagon> By the way, the footnote is working for me. I don't know what is up with that
22:20 <TawnyOwlJones> i reloaded the page and it's fine now. idk what happened
22:21 <TawnyOwlJones> do you have any more question?
22:21 <TawnyOwlJones> *questions?
22:25 <Ethagon> EXaRD's (the department Weld is directing) actual job is everything relating too Explained anomalies, but specifically for human anomalies they got permission form the ethics committee to check whether they're anomalous before containment. Should I make this more clear?
22:26 <TawnyOwlJones> yes, you should make it clear that they work with human anomalies in conjunction with the ethics committee
22:28 <Ethagon> Will do. Did anything bother you in the reclassification or the email?
22:28 <TawnyOwlJones> i dont think so? let me reread
22:37 <TawnyOwlJones> sorry for the delay, im doing a lot of things at once
22:38 <Ethagon> No worries
22:38 <TawnyOwlJones> i dont see a reclassification or an email in your current draft?
22:38 <Ethagon> I just meant the second ACS and the collapsible under it
22:39 <TawnyOwlJones> oh i didnt see the scipnet
22:39 <TawnyOwlJones> one second
22:40 <TawnyOwlJones> isnt her name sandra packwood? you wrote sarah in the second acs
22:40 <Ethagon> ups
22:40 <Ethagon> yeah, it's sandra
22:40 <TawnyOwlJones> im thinking about the risk class, idk if warning fits, but if you personally feel it fits better then go for it
22:41 <TawnyOwlJones> the email looks good :)
22:42 <Ethagon> you think the second level risk class (don't know the name) would be better?
22:42 <TawnyOwlJones> caution?
22:42 <Ethagon> yeah
22:42 <TawnyOwlJones> im not sure, i recommend reading the list of acs classes and seeing which one you think fits the best
22:43 <Ethagon> Alright, thank you again for having a look
22:43 <TawnyOwlJones> no problem!

+ Ferox Numine/Ferox

- Close

The titles of your draft and your post in the drafts critique forum are different.

Your ACS is a little weird; you have a source link and an item number that you shouldn't have above it. In the same vein, were you intending on using an image? Either add the image or delete the image code block. Also if you could give me a brief explanation of why you chose those classes for your ACS that would be wonderful.

I have immediate questions. Is SCP-XXXX-1 anomalous? I think, just from scanning, that SCP-XXXX-1 is actually your anomaly, because he's creating the newspapers, which makes him SCP-XXXX and them SCP-XXXX-1 instances. Please correct me if I'm wrong.

There is no canon obviously, but, according to this amnestics guide (which is technically an essay I think), Class-A amnestics deconsolidate memories at random within the past 5-6 hours of a subject's memory; Class-B amnestics deconsolidate memories from the most recent memories backwards. I see how memetics factor into your skip, I don't see how it has anything to do with amnestics classes, nor how anybody can hypothetically avoid memetic influence from your skip.

Why have attempts at orchestrating formal interviews proven impossible?

Level 2 researchers make up a good proportion of most Foundation Sites. Level 2 is the lowest Security Clearance a researcher can hold. There's nothing inherently wrong with allowing Level 2 researchers to carry out research on your anomaly, but you should rephrase the sentence ("no foundation personnel are to be permitted") because that's not how security clearances work. Guide here2.

The "X" in "Site X" should either be a number or a blackbox. Blackboxing guide here3.

I think it's spelt "occult", but idk.

"or on rare occasions evoking" —-> "or, on rare occasions, evoking"

"SCP-XXXX-1 is a Caucasian male appearing to be close to 14 years-old" —-> "SCP-XXXX-1 is a 14-year-old Caucasian male"

I would think the Foundation would have a way to contain entities with access to teleportation. If you can justify an uncontainable entity, you can write one, but you don't really have a justification here.

"3 to 6 cents American" —-> "3 to 6 US cents"

"often appearing oblivious to hostilities". You said before that it was capable of teleportation and that did teleport away from harm. (edit: potentially scratch that, but I would still like to know why it is oblivious to hostilities)

"in the thirty fifth" —-> "on the thirty-fifth" (presuming it's a date?)

"Oh doy". Typo or intentional? You also need punctuation.

"tell that to strangers mister" —-> "tell that to strangers, mister" (and the same for the rest where it says "mister")

Give your Pvt. a name. Also, they'd probably just be "Agent"; MTFs are paramilitaristic and they don't follow the same ranking system as, say, a national military.

Add a line break between the last line of dialogue and the end log.

I'm not a huge fan of blackboxing. Pick a random state for the location of Agent Ramirez's apartment; it's fine to blackbox the specific town or county or whatever.

I don't know much about memetics, but from what I can see I can't imagine that memetics could cause blindness. While the event makes sense in your narrative, you should still explain and/or justify this.

I don't see why Agent Ramirez would be subject to amnesticisation. He presumably already knows about a lot of anomalies, why is this one any different?

"kings" —-> "Kings"

Keter Class has nothing to do with danger level. Object Classes are about ease of containment.

"Automization" —-> "Automation" OR "Automatization"

SCP-5840-1 instances are pandas. You want something along the lines of "beverages identical to that carried by instances of SCP-5840-1"

"passerby's" to "passers-by"

Give your MTF a title (if you want). "MTF-[GREEK LETTER]-[NUMBER] ("COOL NICKNAME")" is standard but do what you want.

"carfentanyl" —-> "carfentanil" OR "fentanyl"

"13 m" —-> "13m" OR "13 metres"

"their hostile intentions" your MTF is not going to be called "hostile" by their own employers. I get your point, but you probably need a different word.

Overall, I love this. In regard to your questions on your forum post, you don't seem to have any crosslinks, the dialogue is definitely believable, and I've critted your containment procedures above. If you make major revisions to your draft, I'd love to read it again.

Hi, just a quick reply rn, I might update it later idk.

It wasn't the SCP-1234 number in the ACS that I was referencing, you have a source code block and a sentence that says "item number" in the space above your ACS, which you don't need.

Re: crosslinks. I didn't see any references to other SCPs? I might have missed something?

You don't need to expand his anomalous abilities unless you feel the need to. I think maybe elaborate a little about why he has those abilities?

oh, no, that wasn't what i meant. Amnestics works for civilians in general, i was specifically asking about Agent Ramirez; he's a Foundation Agent, and therefore is trusted with information. Do what you want, obviously, I'm just throwing ideas around.

+ CountAbra/Abra

- Close

Hello! Sorry for the delay, I've had a lot of IRL stuff to deal with. The groups I've put the crit in aren't super well-defined and they do overlap a bit because I critted it all at once and then separated once I was finished, but I tried. If you make major revisions to your draft, I'd love to see it again.

SPaG Examples/Line-by-line

"sweet sugary chemicals" —-> "sweet, sugary chemicals"

"cliche" —-> "cliché"

"high horse William" —-> "high horse, William"

"The demon the venus flytrap" —-> "The demon, the venus flytrap"

"And the father the braindead fly" —-> "And the father, the braindead fly"

"February, mirror dew" —-> "February mirror dew"

"chlorophyll green" feels weird, idk. I think maybe just say "leaves of oak, birch, and cherry trees"

oxford commas! use them or don't, but be consistent.

"night activated lights" —-> "night-activated lights"

"fauna" refers to animals, the word you're looking for is "flora", in reference to plants.

"passenger side window" —-> "passenger-side window"

"why did you break?" —-> "why did you brake?"

"fauna" —-> "flora" again

"trainers proving" —-> "trainers, proving"

"car Shelby" —-> "car, Shelby" (or just "car"; you don't need to say her name because we already know it)

"pylon wire connection site" I'm confused as to why this is relevant.

"like you Shelby" —-> "like you, Shelby"

"Ok" —-> "Okay"

"Julliet" —-> "Juliet"

"Like an actor playing Romeo kissing his Juliet colleague during casting" delete this

"on some reality" —-> "onto some reality"

"ocean blue flooding" —-> "ocean blue flooding"

"not freeze to death" —-> "not freeze to death?"

"like I have had droplets of alcohol running through my system" —-> "like I have alcohol in my system"

"nasal passage" —-> "nasal passages"

"I have been trying" —-> "I've been trying"

"Not what romance is Shelby" —-> "Not what romance is, Shelby"

"What does that mean" —-> "What does that mean?"

"cupid's arrow" —-> "Cupid's arrow"

"big plan accidentlies" what word is this supposed to be?

"Sinking into the leather rock (i meant sofa)" then change it??

"Work, work should do it" —-> "Work; work should do it"

"identical twin brother" —-> "twin brother" (you establish in the next sentence that they're identical, and you don't need to say it twice)

"global HP, disclosed" —-> "global HP disclosed"

"I am taking" —-> "that I'm taking"

"high paid job offers" —-> "high-paid job offers"

"(high paid in the world of journalism)" delete this

"echoing painful sobs of Zack" is it Zack crying? or Shelby remembering her time with him?

"basement's darkness heading" —-> "basement's darkness, heading"

"behind me and if" —-> "behind me, and if"

"mimic" —-> "mimicing"

"is she scared she will lose me?" —-> "is she scared she'll lose me?"

"Wouldn't I have to hit my head harder" —-> "Wouldn't I have to have hit my head harder"

"Shelby how come?" —-> "Shelby, how come?"

"I began to drip tears" this does not make sense, please just say "cry"

"maiter" —-> "matter"

"the tears before" —-> "the tears, before"

"leg" ??? what???

"Then explain that then Zack, what is it" —-> "Then explain that then, Zack, what is it?"

"Why even ask Zack?" —-> "Why even ask, Zack?"

"verbal hallucinations" —-> "auditory hallucinations"

"rational answer Shelby" —-> "rational answer, Shelby"

"hearing things Shel" —-> "hearing things, Shel"

"I have seen today" —-> "I've seen today"

"today, I cannot and because I cannot I get stressed" —-> "today, I cannot and, because I cannot, I get stressed"

“By any chance is it because ye can’t explain what has been happening? Because I have some possible causes.” “I’ve explained the noises, the deer could possibly be Charles Bonnet Syndrome at the extreme, but your mum has it, so you never know. How’s your sight?” This should be in one paragraph because they're both Zack's lines.

"20/20 Zack" —-> "20/20, Zack"

"no Zack has the lightest" —-> "no, Zack has the lightest"

"than ye did.” Was his diagnosis" —-> "than ye did,” was his diagnosis"

"formerly trapped leg" —-> "formally-trapped leg"

"right-hand" —-> "right hand"

"releasing her error" —-> "realising her error"

“Nicola, what do you want," —-> "“Nicola, what do you want?"

"Zack asked?" —-> "Zack asked."

“Anything, my brother’s gone missing and I’m looking for any hope he is alive” —-> “Anything. My brother’s gone missing; I’m looking for any hope that he's alive."

Overall SPaG Crit

The SPaG examples are from the beginning of your draft, but there's a lot of the same issues throughout your entire draft. You have problems with changing tenses, using the wrong punctuation, and having incorrect sentence structure. I suggest using the examples I have provided in the SPaG LBL and extrapolating that into the rest of your draft.

Bad or mediocre SPaG makes drafts really hard to read, and means that people are less likely to read your work in full than if you had good SPaG. With a draft this long, SPaG is especially important.

Overall Narrative Crit

When you have two characters speaking similar but different languages to each other, you risk breaking the flow of your dialogue.

I mentioned it in IRC before, but your Scots dialogue isn't consistent. Pick the words that Zack uses in Scots, and have him use them consistently.

Your story seems to imply that Shelby knows Nicola, but that means you don't really introduce Nicola; she doesn't feel like a whole character until Shelby starts hallucinating her.

You should typically avoid collapsibles in Tales. The interview block in 11 feels out of place, and the line breaks in the interview block don't serve a purpose. The interview itself is really only reiterating what your readers already know, with the exception of the stuff about Nicola's car. I recommend rewording the important information in the interview and adding it into the main text.

The reintroduction of the prologue in 15 works incredibly well. I was going to mention something about how the prologue felt detached, almost like a WL piece rather than an SCP one, but it no longer applies.

(Written at 18) A lot of this seems to be dragging on. As much as I care about Shelby, I still don't know what your anomaly is, and there's only so much I can read about Shelby 1) not finding stuff out about Finn's disappearance and 2) hallucinating. It doesn't really serve to build suspense, and it seems a little repetitive.

"My living room" in 20: I presumed Shelby was at the cabin?

"terrified amnesia" in 21: amnesia is not the word you're looking for. you might be thinking of "insomnia"?

The message to Isla in 21 and Isla's reply in 22 would work better in formatted div boxes to separate them from the rest of the text.

25: Emma/Ellie Mcguire: pick one name

25: Maybe put the cases in a div box? It's fine as it is, but it might serve to separate it from the rest of the text and highlight them as being important parts of your narrative.

27: Referencing creepypasta might not be a good idea, but idk.

28: I still don't know what your anomaly is. I know from reading your ideas forum thread that the cabin is anomalous but in your actual draft it just seems like Shelby's hallucinating everything, or maybe at a stretch that Zack is the anomaly. Unless you changed it, you need to make it clear that it's the cabin affecting Shelby and Zack.

31: Why does Shelby kill Nicola? By accident?

I hope that helps. Please feel free to reply to this post or send me a Wikidot PM or a tell in #thecritters if you have answers or additional questions.

10:20 <Abra> Right, is the ending complete rubbish? (Also Nicola's death is meant to be an accident, foreshadowed by Shelby's jumpiness)
10:21 <TawnyOwlJones> I don't think so. I don't think the ending is written as well as it could be, but I certainly don't think it's bad
10:21 <Abra> ok
10:22 <TawnyOwlJones> that's fair enough about Nicola's death; i just didn't really understand that when i read it
10:22 <Abra> I just wasn't a fan of it. Just wanted to check if that was just me
10:22 <TawnyOwlJones> I'm presuming you rushed the ending? if not, I apologise, but I suggest focusing on the last couple of sections narrative-wise
10:22 <TawnyOwlJones> can you rephrase that?
10:23 <Abra> I did rush the ending. What do you want me to rephrase?
10:23 <TawnyOwlJones> that's okay, i think you just need to look at it more
10:24 <TawnyOwlJones> > I just wasn't a fan of it. Just wanted to check if that was just me
10:24 <TawnyOwlJones> rephrase that ^
10:24 <Abra> I didn't like how the ending turned out.
10:24 <Abra> I'm quite pessimistic, so I just wanted to see if it was just my pessimism clouding my judgement
10:26 <TawnyOwlJones> yeah, I didn't really vibe with it either, in comparison to the rest of the Tale, because I do think it needs work. I suggest applying my critique if you haven't already and then going into #thecritters and asking to brainstorm about the ending with someone (Zoobeeny is good with conclusions if they're around)
10:26 <TawnyOwlJones> i'm not in there today, because I overworked myself
10:27 <TawnyOwlJones> I don't think the ending is really bad, so if youre thinking that then that's just pessimism, but I do think it needs reworking
10:27 <Abra> ye, I think apart from sentence structure that was the main issue
10:28 <TawnyOwlJones> narrative-wise, the repetitiveness and the rushed ending were the main issues, yes
10:34 <TawnyOwlJones> you still here?
10:34 <Abra> ye
10:34 <Abra> I was copying the base I used for character planning
10:35 <Abra> could you expand on the repetitivenes
10:35 <Abra> *repetiviness
10:35 <Abra> (I cannot spell lmao)
10:35 <TawnyOwlJones> it's okay, take your time
10:37 <TawnyOwlJones> yeah, so it just felt like a lot of time was spent on Shelby hallucinating, getting absolutely nowhere in terms of Finn's disappearance, and being scared of and/or angry with Zack. In terms of narrative progression, it was at a stand-still for a lot of your draft.
10:37 <Abra> ok
10:37 <TawnyOwlJones> it's good to show your characters' emotions, but it just felt like a broken record
10:40 <Abra> right
10:41 <TawnyOwlJones> i hope that's okat
10:41 <TawnyOwlJones> *okay
10:41 <TawnyOwlJones> do you have any more questions?
10:41 <Abra> That's all chill
10:41 <Abra> Where did I go right?
10:46 <TawnyOwlJones> I liked Shelby and Zack as characters. I liked the part where Shelby finds out Zack isn't real. There were sentences where I thought "wow that's really clever", in terms of comedy, foreshadowing, or just general sentence-craft. Overall, I really enjoyed it; there weren't really many major issues except the stuff I already mentioned.
10:46 <TawnyOwlJones> sorry for the delay, my cat was walking on my keyboard
10:47 <Abra> It's all chill. I'm asking so I know what part of the skeleton I can keep in
10:47 <Abra> And where I can take the sledgehammer to
10:49 <TawnyOwlJones> Okay! Like I said before, I recommend cutting out a lot of the repetitive stuff. It's worth keeping in the parts (like with the deer and nicola's car) where it's not quite obvious at first that Shelby is hallucinating, but you don't need to keep mentioning that she's imagining everything, because we already know that
10:50 <Abra> Ok. Thank you again

+ Marcelles_Raynes/Mars εїз

+ Cyvstvi 𓆏

+ wagyusteak

+ Marcelles_Raynes/Mars εїз

"Suspect has the capacity to change their bodies via anomalous means" - "capacity" -> "ability"; "their bodies" -> "their body"

I'm not familiar with the UIU format but shouldn't "he constantly has a red nose and clown makeup on" be "he constantly wears a red nose and clown makeup"?

"as big as possible with in width or height" - "with in" —-> "within"

"Suspect has also been seen able to produce a large amount of pies from a pocket which he only says is "a pocket dimension"" - full stop/period at the end of this sentence

"potential reality warping abilities" —-> "potential reality-warping abilities"

"their actual name has been preserved in a separate document under a false name" - this isn't a SPaG or narrative issue, I'm just confused as to how their actual name can be under a false name.

"Whats more weird is that no one reacted to it" - "Whats" —-> "What's"

"skip the cue" —-> "skip the queue"

"seeing a fancy dressed man" —-> "seeing a fancy-dressed man"

"You name it, its in there" —-> "You name it, it's in there"

"so that he can crawl through ease" —-> "so that he could crawl through ease"

"prompted agent Santiago" —-> "prompted Agent Santiago"

"when the phone call reported that the Clown and Santiago was sent to investigate" - I think you're missing at least one word in this sentence, probably between "Clown" and "and".

"arrived in and offered" —-> "arrived and offered"

"there is proof of a recording" —-> "there was proof of a recording"

"Tell me agent" —-> "Tell me Agent" OR "Tell me, Agent"

"my more human clowns" —-> "my more-human clowns"

"this is the amount that is estimated to have costed" —-> "This is the amount that it is estimated to have costed"

"Honestly its why I love them so much" —-> "Honestly it's why I love them so much"

"Florida Vault, Item Lockup" —-> "Florida Vault Item Lockup"

"in-effective" —-> "ineffective"

"its just that I don't" —-> "it's just that I don't"

"agent Santiago" —-> "Agent Santiago"

Overall, I enjoyed reading this. The characters are interesting, the narrative progresses well and isn't disjointed. Couple of SPaG errors as detailed above, but nothing major.

+ EagleKnight9

+ Marcelles_Raynes/Mars εїз + MalyceGraves 𓆏

+ winkwonkboi

- Close

Hi! Sorry for the wait.

"Containment is constructed surrounding SCP-5XXX" - What is the containment? I'm presuming it's a fence of some description but you should specify.

"may be granted by a personnel of at least Level-3 clearance" - Personnel is plural (i.e remove the "a"); Do you mean "granted by" or "granted to"? If you mean "granted to" then you should change your ACS to reflect that.

"Gardening amenities and a supply of water are to be provided to SCP-5XXX-A on a monthly basis" —-> "Gardening amenities and a supply of water are to be provided to SCP-5XXX-A instances on a monthly basis"

"Itself and anything natural within roughly a 5 meter radius of SCP-5XXX are seemingly resistant against all forms of damage" —-> "SCP-5XXX and organic material within a 5 meter radius of SCP-5XXX are resistant against all forms of damage"

"Upon entering SCP-5XXX, a five-story roundhouse is presented, with each section measuring 8 meters in height and 20 meters in diameter" —-> "The space contained within SCP-5XXX takes the appearance of a five-story roundhouse, with each story measuring 8 meters in height and 20 metres in diameter" (consider perhaps using circumference instead of diameter)

"The floor is covered in a plastic-textured grass where plants are able to grow on it" —-> "The floor is covered in plants growing out of plastic-textured grass."

I don't understand the footnote here. Unless it's important to your narrative as a whole, I recommend removing it entirely.

"However, its anomalous properties diminish once said grass is brought outside of SCP-5XXX's affected area" —-> "The anomalous properties of the grass diminish when removed from SCP-5XXX's interior dimension"

"Attempts to discover anything past said sunlight have thus far proven unsuccessful." - Why have they proven unsuccessful?

"Organisms are grown on the fourth floor of SCP-5XXX" - plants are organisms, animals are organisms. you need to be more specific. I suggest using something like "SCP-5XXX-A and SCP-5XXX-B are present on the fourth floor of SCP-5XXX" and then explain what they are.

"SCP-5XXX-A is a group of sapient humanoid figures" —-> "SCP-5XXX-A instances are sapient humanoid figures"

"SCP-5XXX-B is a collection of small animals constructed of various types of wood" —-> "SCP-5XXX-B instances are small animals constructed form various types of wood"

"constructed of oak leaves" —-> "constructed from oak leaves"

"muscles or organs" —-> "muscles and organs"

"and ever since initial discovery, it has been overall compliant" —-> "and, since its initial discovery, has been overall compliant"

"excluding the limitations" - Delete this

"Otherwise, their physical capabilities and behavior are similar to their non-anomalous counterparts" —-> "Their physical capabilities and behavior are otherwise similar to their non-anomalous counterparts"

"SCP-5XXX was first discovered on 01/20/21" —-> "SCP-5XXX was discovered on 01/20/2021"

"footage displayed SCP-5XXX-A exiting a forest nearby Site-78 chasing after an SCP-5XXX-B instance before retrieving it and returning" —-> "footage displayed an SCP-5XXX-A instance exiting a forest near Site-78. The video showed the SCP-5XXX-A instance chasing after an SCP-5XXX-B instance before retrieving it and returning to SCP-5XXX"

"Researcher Arnold" - Use last names not first names with titles

"The specimen sets the can down" —-> "It sets the can down"

"I am here to ask you a couple of questions" —-> "I'm here to ask you a couple of questions" (You also need to actually ask the questions in the interview)

"Inside SCP-5XXX" - Delete this

"So this is my house" —-> "This is my house"

"Why yes" —-> "Why, yes"

"SCP-5XXX-A scratched the back of its head" —-> "SCP-5XXX-A scratches the back of its head"

"You don't want them to give you the splinter" —-> "You don't want them to give you splinters"

"Why do you have Lily as a pet instead of others?" —-> "Why is only Lily a pet, and not the others?"

"It was a gift my my father" —-> "It was a gift from my father"

"they wither, where they are then buried" —-> "they wither, then they are buried"

"(pause)" - You provide a number of seconds for the pause further up the interview. keep it consistent.

"Now that I think about it, where did you come from?" —-> "Now that I think about it, where did you come from?"

"There, it reads:" —-> "It reads:"

"- Jeafleaf Willow, his son" - Delete this

"You really admired him, don't you?" —-> "You really admired him, didn't you?"

"So you're saying you are proud in taking care of your garden?" —-> "So you're saying you're proud of taking care of your garden?"

"SCP-5XXX-A embraced Researcher Arnold for a brief moment before he returned to Site-78, where he was investigated for anything unnatural" —-> "SCP-5XXX-A briefly embraced Researcher Arnold before he returned to Site-78"

"Update Log" - Delete this

"On 01/23/21, Researcher Arnold Whitlock filed a request regarding the SCP-5XXX-B instances SCP-5XXX-A had formerly mentioned to be set up for adoption to Site-78 staff" - Is he requesting that the SCP-5XXX-B instances be adopted by Site-78 staff? Even harmless entities get contained.

"'it was a way of saying thank you for his kind actions.'" - Use quotation marks, and put your full stop outside of the quotation marks.

Where are your footnotes?

I like this idea, and I think the narrative progression is good. I was thinking initially that the interview log was dragging on a bit but I think it's probably okay. I definitely recommend seeing what other people think though.

My one concern is that it doesn't really feel like something the SCP Foundation would write. It might just be because the clinical tone is lacking, but it feels like your researcher is too friendly with Jeafleaf. The Foundation is not a hotel, it is a prison. Your interview is not an interview, really. It might be interesting to treat Jeafleaf as a PoI rather than a contained anomaly, or to provide a justification as to why Jeafleaf is not technically in Foundation custody.

Clinical Tone - not great, I've suggested some alternatives in the LBL but it will probably need a second look.
Dialogue - a bit rigid in places, but again I picked up a lot of that in the LBL.
Pacing - pacing is good, I initally thought the interview was too long, considering it didn't really go anywhere, but the ending ties in well.

Another thing is that you say that SCP-5XXX-A is a "group", yet then you only mention Jeafleaf (i.e. Jeafleaf is the only living SCP-5XXX-A instance), which means you're switching between singular and plural throughout the article. Are there multiple SCP-5XXX-A instances or just one?

I like this idea; the article itself needs a lot of work. I apologise if my crit seems off, I haven't read many articles that evoke wholesome emotions. If you made major revisions to your draft, I will happily take another look.

+ CrystalMonarch/crystalmonarch εїз

- Close

Hi! Please note I am not great at overall narrative critique, and this will most definitely need a second opinion. I have provided you with my thoughts about your narrative as well as a complimentary LBL consisting mostly of SPaG corrections.

"It emits a strong smell" - would "scent" work better?

"has thick black body hair" —-> "has thick, black body hair"

"a typical male pattern" - I feel like this breaks the clinical tone

"The genitalia of SCP-XXXX" —-> "SCP-XXXX's genitalia"

"similar to a human males" —-> "similar to that of a human male"

"This rate of this process" —-> "The rate of this process"

"attention after local fire service broke down the door" —-> "attention after the local fire service broke down the door"

"Mackay" —-> "MacKay"

"The room and it’s contents" —-> "The room and its contents"

"fifth floor any more" —-> "fifth floor anymore"

"5'4"" - should be in metric

I'm presuming you know "Adult Human Female" is a TERF dogwhistle. I think it's intentional that you included it but it's making me feel very weird and unsafe and if that wasn't your intention you should probably change it

"Unknown Male Voice: Gay" - needs some form of punctuation at the end

"insults and a slurs" —-> "insults and slurs"

"Agent’s headlamps" —-> "Agents' headlamps"

"the door the door" - delete one of these

"fuckin reality bender bullshit" - capital letter + full stop

"They open fire in response and the bullets can be seen to impact and cause profuse bleeding, but SCP-XXXX continues running forwards." —-> "They open fire in response and the bullets can be seen to impact and cause profuse bleeding. SCP-XXXX continues running forwards."

The overall idea works but it feels a little flat in places, especially towards the beginning. The ending changed that but then I'm left with more questions than answers.

Identifying large-scale weak points is not my forte but I also didn't see any major problems with your draft. The narrative progression was good, the narrative itself was coherent, and I understood what was going on.

In regards to your questions:
1) I presumed that Jacob Murphy either created one or both of the anomalies or that he was SCP-XXXX (regardless of whether he created the spacial anomaly or not).
2) Yes! The Agents felt like distinct characters, they didn't blur into each other, and they all had different roles.
3) They felt disconnected to be honest. It didn't really seem like they were parts of the same anomaly, just that SCP-XXXX was contained inside of the spacial anomaly. In terms of the separate areas of the spacial anomaly, that was coherent and helped split the narrative into sections.

I hope that helps. Please feel free to run it past me again if you make any major revisions.

Hi! Sorry for the delay.

It is to be fed a Standard Diet and given time for recreational activity. (for complete details pertaining to treatment of the entity, refer to document XXXX-R-01)

Take this out. Noting that a human anomaly is allowed food and exercise is not important to the document. Unless you are actually including Document XXXX-R-01 in your article (and said document explains how the treatment of SCP-XXXX is different from other human/humanoid anomalies), you don't need the reference to it.

D-Class assigned to SCP-XXXX are notified of its properties and are given a provisional supplement to offset atrophy. At the end of the encounter, D-Class are treated with amnestics.

Why though? If the D-Class in question are scheduled for termination then surely allowing SCP-XXXX to kill them works in place of standard termination procedures. Even if the Foundation decide that's unethical, there's no need to waste amnestics on dead people.

currently held at Site-132.

You've already said this in your ConProcs. You don't need to say it again, unless your anomaly was previously held at a different Site.

SCP-XXXX-I

Typically "SCP-XXXX-1"

beginning with fat and muscle, then organs and bone

"affecting their fat, muscle, organs, and bones"

SCP-XXXX was in an intimate relationship

Breaks clinical tone. I don't know an alternative though.

Deafux

Deafaux

Deafux underwent various anomalous effects

"Deafaux experienced various anomalous effects"

Addendum X

Typically "Addendum XXXX.1"

Max Deafaux

Can and should be abbreviated as "Deafaux", or written as "Researcher Deafaux" or "Junior Researcher Deafaux". "Junior Researcher" is abbreviated as "JR" and "Researcher" as "Rs" or similar.

as well as the steady atrophy of Deafaux

Remove this, it's irrelevant.

For full excerpts, refer to SCP-XXXX-Log-I.

I get referring to external documents, but I'm torn here. On one hand, the sentence belongs there and ties the paragraph up; on the other hand, you don't make reference to what kind of document this is.

Kevin5270: Yeah, kat here has been in this chat for a while. She's usually not on that much.

This sentence is important but it changes the tone very abruptly.

Of note is that the chat room is inactive.

Remove, irrelevant.

darlingprincess: hello? anyone?
darlingprincess: lala i am by myself again.

Remove this, replace with a note saying that X amount of time has passed. (Alternatively you could add dates and times in front of usernames like in SkipIRC)

darlingprincess: everytime im here its fine until I feel depressed. sometimes I wanna talk with you guys but ur not on which makes me sad and bored. or Im the only one talking and everyone is lurking and then I leave. I move on, then come back. same cycle again. so I guess im moody af. so its better to leave. it's fucked up, u know I think I just get attached to you guys. and I think im annoying sometimes. so better to end it then do the same thing. is that a good reason now?

Break this into multiple pieces. It doesn't have to be that SCP-XXXX wrote it un spearate pieces but if you type a long message IRC breaks it up into approximately 3-line paragraphs.

Date: [?]

Inconsistency, remove unless you plan on adding dates to all the collapsibles.

darlingprincess: is darling crushing on me?? <3

Is that a pet name or the wrong name?

Opps!

Is that meant to say "Oops" or is it the in-universe equivalent of "0ps"?

And so tiring.

"And so tired."

the former personnel

"personnel" is plural. Just say "Deafaux".

antwonclamon: but why would she send a pic of herself cutting?

Is this referring to shinobu or kat? You didn't mention it before and it just feels jarring and out of place.

the late personnel's claim

"his claim"

PoI-FB4923 was to be traced and apprehended.

"PoI-FB4923 was traced and apprehended."

deafaux: Hi nina.
nekonekoninaboo: Sorry darling
nekonekoninaboo: Deafaux
nekonekoninaboo: Whoever you are
nekonekoninaboo: It's just me

I don't understand this part. The idea is that Kat is everybody in the chatroom, but you should make that clear. It feels a little out of place here.

PoI-FB4923, known as Katherine Serre

"PoI-FB4923, also known as Katherine Serre"

Interviewer: Dr. Kim

Needs a first name as well, just for that part not the rest of the interview.

SCP-XXXX does not talk for the remainder of the interview.

Remove, irrelevant.

It crosses its arms.

"SCP-XXXX crosses its arms."

What is the bigger mistake: me falling for a dead man, or a man falling for his death?

I don't understand the part about him falling for his death. Is it referencing him refusing to leave her?

SCP-XXXX crosses its arms

Needs punctuation at the end

Be not afraid.

Remove

How much time passes between 274 and 275? Sometimes people don't show up in chat for a while and they're fine. Shinobu didn't make any reference to leaving in 274 but her absence in 275 is not particularly relevant. Putting more distance between the numbers and mentioning that she's been gone a while would aid this part of the narrative.

Shinobu suddenly reappearing without notice just feels wrong. Regardless of whether shinobu is Kat, her sudden reappearance makes very little sense and just serves to make the narrative confusing.

Overall I really enjoyed reading this. The anomaly in itself felt a little generic at first but its relationship with Deafaux was laid out very well. The pacing was great, the dialogue was a little weird in places but nothing too bad, and overall the idea just works really well.

The parts with Shinobu complicate the narrative a bit but I think if you can make it clear that her disappearence and subsequent reappearance is significant to the narrative then it will work well.

In regards to the moral struggle, you nailed it. Kat is a wonderfully-thought-out character and her emotions really radiate in your writing. I'm not partial to endings where the anomaly dies/wants to die, but you portrayed it excellently. 10/10 would read again.

If you make major revisions to your draft I'd love to see it again.

+ Zoobeeny εїз

- Close

Summoned via IRC :D

MTF Tau-21("Set Phasers")

MTF Tau-21 ("Set Phasers")

Of the other members,

Remove this.

SCP-XXXX is silent for several moments.

Might be better to use an actual amount of time? Clinical tone and all that.

mirror-basement

"basement in the mirror" might fit better

the arm extends forward and grabs Felicia.

You should state that the mirror dude pulls Felicia into the mirror before Sean speaks.

above a oak desk

"above an oak desk"

The drawer rips out

"The drawer falls out"

Overall, it's definitely an interesting idea but it feels disconnected in a lot of places. You never really introduce the characters and I didn't feel emotionally connected to them until the end of Felicia's logs. I didn't really understand why they were hunting Sarkics either, and I didn't realise they were an MTF-adjacent group (I think?) until they were actually in the basement. The bit with the mirror felt disjointed and I don't understand why SCP-XXXX couldn't pass through the mirror. Granted, I'm not familiar with the Prometheus Labs format or with crazy reality stuff, so it may well just be my lack of knowledge.

In regards to narrative progression, it works fine, but if your main narrative is "dude being exploited by shitty corporations" and not "group of friends go Sarkic hunting and most of them die" then you probably need a major rewrite. I'd definitely recommend running past more people (especially people familiar with the format) because I am absolutely not the expert on this.

1) It doesn't feel like X-Man syndrome. It might if you refocus the narrative, but with a good narrative X-Man syndrome matters less.

2) I didn't really feel any emotion until Felicia's logs. I certainly didn't feel emotionally connected to your characters until they died.

3) I feel like the main goal of your article is to show that SCP-XXXX is being exploited by both Prometheus and the Foundation, but the narrative surrounding the basement and the alternate reality detracts from that. There's a lot going on and it lets the tension slip.

4) I don't think SCP-XXXX gets enough "screen time". I struggled to see it as a person capable of emotion, even though its storyline was an emotional one. I didn't feel an emotional connection to Mark, Amy, or Sean at all, and I only felt something for Felicia at the end of her logs.

5) The final interview was good; it ties up the ending and shows that he is being exploited from multiple different angles. That being said, I'm biased towards stuff that shows the Foundation as antagonistic. You could easily end it with the Discovery Log, or even with the Company Missive.

6) I think the style is okay. Although "Files: 1998" and "Interview 1" don't have close tabs at the bottom of their collapsibles, whereas the rest do.

7) It does get that message across, but it only really became clear SCP-XXXX was being exploited near the end. The exploration of SCP-XXXX's relationship with his friends detracts from the exploitation narrative because it is the main focus. The fact that SCP-XXXX is being exploited is a second thought.

8) The "grief buddies" scene is the video log with SCP-XXXX and Felicia? It works, and it introduces Harvey and tells the reader that he's a bitch. The reference to Felicia's partner feels a little out of place because it took me a minute to work out that he wasn't one of the previously-mentioned characters. I also don't really understand how SCP-XXXX is helping Felicia.

+ Digitalcat

- Close

Day 0

He was much shorter than Duncan, powerfully built with a thick black moustache.

"He was much shorter than Duncan, powerfully built, with a thick black moustache."

He was dressed in an orange jumpsuit with the identification D-77713 stitched onto the left breast pocket. He was staring intently into an antique handheld mirror.

"He was dressed in an orange jumpsuit with the identification D-77713 stitched onto the left breast pocket, and was staring intently into an antique handheld mirror."

Except that instead of trying to drop this imaginary firecracker, the man now appeared to be trying to strangle it.

"Instead of trying to drop this imaginary firecracker, the man now appeared to be trying to strangle it."

As soon as Duncan released his wrist, Martin crossed himself.

"crossed himself"???

“You’re coming through loud and clear, Mr. Holstrom,” a voice came through the intercom at his elbow. “And we agree with you. If you try to force him to put his hand through that portal, it’s not going to go well.”

This paragraph feels out of place. Duncan didn't say anything out loud about putting either his or D-77713's hand through the mirror.

The voice coming through the intercom belonged to Doctor Eller out of Helsinki. Until he’d spoken Duncan had briefly forgotten the Helsinki team was also involved in this test. That the remote team had caught him breaking protocol by using the mirror was bad enough, that they had also just read his mind was even worse.

Merge this with the paragraph I mentioned above this. You don't need to separate them. Also having Duncan putting the mirror back on the table after having realised he's being watched shows that he feels guilty rather than just surprised by the intercom.

it did not seem particularly noteworthy compared to many of the other objects held in containment. It was classified it as safe

Safe-class objects are not inherently non-noteworthy. I realise that it may not have been your intention to correlate the two, but that's how it reads in the draft.

Until one day during routine inspection, someone looked into it and saw what they recognized as the inside of a Foundation facility in another country.

You're trying to create suspense here but it just feels flat. Try editing the sentence structure to make it less fairytale and more SCP Tale.

There was no reason to think that these two items would be connected in any way. Yet they very clearly were.

"There was no reason to think that these two items would be connected in any way, yet they very clearly were."

This set of tests had been requisitioned

What set of tests? I feel like we already know they're running tests on the mirror because we've already seen it. I also don't think "requisitioned" is the right word.

Mar, the subject?

If Duncan is stopping saying "Martin" halfway through the word, you need a dash rather than a comma. "Mar- the subject?"

senior researcher Ramirez

"Senior Researcher Ramirez"

conversing in German.

Unless you make it clear as to why the characters are speaking German, take this out.

Confirmed,

Put this in speech marks or take it out.

had been taken over

"was displaying"

5:30 am

"5:30am"

Day 1

This level four wing

"The Level Four wing"

site director

"Site Director"

Site Director, Drucker

"Site Director Drucker"

small, windowless conference room

"small, windowless room" is fine, you don't need to repeat that it's a conference room.

small round meeting table

"small, round meeting table"

video camera

Do you mean "security camera"? Or, like, a webcam?

Only one or two were known by name, as far as Duncan was aware. And he’d only seen an image of one, a tall elegant older woman, in a news article dated six years ago.

There's no canon etc etc but, um, how? 1) why was there a picure of an O5 in a news article? 2) how does Duncan know what they look like? 3) How does Duncan know their names?

level three researcher

"Level 3 researcher" or "Level 3 Researcher"

It was almost a relief when the time hit 5:42 and there was still no sign of any conference starting.

Even though you state in the following sentence why Duncan feels relieved, it's confusing at first because you were just talking about how anxious he was; surely his anxiety would increase with time?

“Duncan Holstrom.” Duncan replied. He then recited the eight-digit number which served as his unique employee identifier within the Foundation.

"“Duncan Holstrom,” Duncan replied. [Just make up a number; we know it's a unique number and you don't need to tell us that]".

“Thank you for coming.” The voice responded.

"“Thank you for coming,” The voice responded."

“Okay,” Duncan hesitated, “Yes, Council Member Six.”

Remove.

Site-24 housed nearly 50 Safe and Euclid class anomalous objects. Some of which behaved unpredictably.

Eh. Safe Class objects can by definition be locked in a box and left alone. At the very least, make this part one sentence rather than two.

entire containment facility

"entire facility"

“You do not,” Council Member Six stated evenly. "The Council consensus is that Argus proved inconclusive because it lacked the necessary scope,” The voice continued. “In this next iteration of the project we will be encoding all anomalous data available to the Foundation and introducing it into the neural engine.”

This is all the same person speaking so it should be all in one set of speech marks.

staff level four

"Security Clearance Level Four" or "Security Clearance Level 4" or "Level 4"

“That’s the spirit,” the voice replied in a tone entirely devoid of warmth or humor. “The Council believes that the patterns are there, Mister Holstrom. It is now your job to find them. Good bye."

Put this all in one paragraph. "Goodbye" is one word.

The screen before him went dark.

"The screen went dark."

Day 3

Site 01

"Site-01"

floor to ceiling windows

"floor-to-ceiling windows"

burst into flame

"burst into flames"

potentially anomalous digital files

"potentially-anomalous digital files"

thumb drives

USBs are not the same as hard drives. They do function similarly in that they both store information, but they are not the same. This is less of a terminology issue and more of a consistency issue; you said "hard drives" before and then "thumb drives", be consistent.

This is good enough start

"This is a good enough start"

pointing to the star representing Site-24

Why is he pointing to the star when he's asking for an isolated lab to work from? Why is the star relevant to this sentence?

Day 9

Both were reviewing plans on the table between them.

This is telling rather than showing. You could change the sentence to say something about the paperwork/maps/plans/whatever are spread across the table, which implies that they're reviewing the plans without telling us directly.

roughly two meters in length

"diameter" might work better here.

assistant director

"Assistant Director"

she had been COO

"COO" should be written out in full. Unless you mean "CEO", in which case the abbreviation is fine.

anomalous object SCP-0107

"SCP-0107"

meteorological, sociological or extradimensional

"meteorological, sociological, or extradimensional" - Oxford comma consistency (either use it or don't, but be consistent) also applies to the rest of the draft.

The first of many results ready to be loaded into Argus.

This feels disconnected from the rest of the story. If you add it onto the end of the previous paragraph it might fit better.

“It should be pretty cool.”

"It'll be pretty cool."

On the moniter the rain continued to fall.

"The rain on the moniter continued to fall."

Day 16

“Duncan Holstrom,” Duncan recited his badge number.

"“Duncan Holstrom.” Duncan recited his badge number."

Council Member Six

Might be better to say "O5-6".

senior researchers Park and Long

"Senior Researchers Park and Long"

Tom Masterson had been appointed to lead engineer on Project Argus

This entire section feels like it's in the wrong place. You've connected it back to Duncan at the end, but not at the beginning, and it just feels blunt. It might feel less blunt if you add a title in front of "Tom Masterton".

“Your timeline has been accelerated,” said Six. “You will not have time for new research. To keep this project on schedule, the Council has elected to make members of the Brookings team available to you for one week.”

Put this all in one paragraph. (This also applies to the rest of the split dialogue in the draft)

“One final thing, Mister Holstrom.” said Six.

"“One final thing, Mister Holstrom,” said Six."

Day 20

a flat open field stretching to a grey tree line on horizon

"a flat, open field stretching to a grey tree line on the horizon"

Site-24’s “Back Lot.”

"Site-24’s “Back Lot”." Punctuation goes inside speech marks, and outside quotation marks.

guardhouse standing in front of the fence

" guardhouse in front of the fence"

forty-eight hours

You can use numbers. You don't have to but if you're writing longer numbers (there was a hundred and something further back) it is easier to read numbers rather than text. If you do change it, be consistent.

There was only one line of communication running into the bunkers. An emergency intercom which connected each bunker to the guardhouse at the gate.

"There was only one line of communication running into the bunkers: an emergency intercom which connected each bunker to the guardhouse at the gate."

“Any incident occurs inside your bunker you, or another member of your team is to activate the emergency line to be connected to the officer on duty.” Chatham had told Duncan

"“If an incident occurs inside your bunker, you or another member of your team is to activate the emergency line to be connected to the officer on duty.” Chatham had told Duncan"

The intercom unit was there for Duncan’s team to reach out. Not for the outside world to reach in.

"The intercom unit was there for Duncan’s team to reach out, not for the outside world to reach in."

In the opposite corner next to the entrance was the intercom above which was a bulbous fisheye lens.

"In the opposite corner next to the entrance was the intercom, above which was a bulbous fisheye lens."

“Call me Syd,” said Siddhartha, enthusiastically shaking their hands.

You haven't previously introduced this character. Even giving them a title or a brief description of their job role and a last name in this sentence would introduce them briefly without you having to talk about them earlier in the draft.

Including himself and Karen, the Argus team now stood at a tight six members.

Duncan, Karen, Tom, Syd, Uri, Noam, Johanna, and Clark is eight people. Even if Noam and Uri are temporary personnel, they're still part of the Argus team at that point in time.

And then, three days after arriving at Site-24 they boarded a plane back to Stuttgart.

"And then, three days after arriving at Site-24, they boarded a plane back to Stuttgart."

Day 24

Level 4 suite

Again, just "four"/"4" consistency.

the actually images

"the actual images"

could not have saved D-13693

"could not have saved D-13639"

Cogneto-hazards

"Cognitohazards"

Day 30

“Please state your name,” said Six to start their conference.

"“Please state your name,” said Six, to start their conference."

“Duncan Holstrom,” Duncan began to recite his eight-digit employee number.

"“Duncan Holstrom.” Duncan began to recite his eight-digit employee number."

“We can’t encode it if everyone who looks at it drops dead,” Duncan responded. “There is no safe way to work with it.

Add a speech mark at the end of this sentence.

the Melbourne woman

Change to "D-13639"

testing of 0053

Change "0053" to "053" or "SCP-053"

He was thinking of Karen now. And about sending her back into those testing chambers.

"He was thinking of Karen now, about sending her back into those testing chambers."

ethics panel

"Ethics Committee"

Duncan heard a note of emotion in the voice belonging to Council Member Six.

"Duncan heard a note of emotion in O5-6's voice."

2111 and 0053 and all other anomalies referred to you,” Six had regained his composure.

"2111, 053, and all other anomalies referred to you.” Six had regained his composure."

collapsed into in his chair

"collapsed into his chair"

the personal background the resources assigned to him

"the personal background of the resources assigned to him"

but that this point

"but at this point"

hi-pitched

"high-pitched"

wet gibbering maw

"wet, gibbering maw"

Day 34

Duncan felt and eerie calm descend upon him.

"Duncan felt an eerie calm descend upon him."

recommissioned to D-Class

"reassigned" or "demoted" might work better here

He turned on his heal

"He turned on his heel"

calm, clear detached approach

"calm, clear, detached approach"

He had, also stopped talking about his dreams.

He had also stopped talking about his dreams.

It had occurred to him to wonder why they had been constructed underground.

Do you mean "It had never occurred to him"?

Whatever was down there still required an energy source. “This thing better fucking work,” Karen had said in their last meeting.

This is a very blunt transition between the two scenes, even though they're on different lines.

“I’m doing my goddamn job, Duncan,” she’d snarled at him. “You do yours. You want to help? Make this worth it. This thing better fucking work.”

Put this all on one line.

Day 36

redacted provenance

I don't think you mean "provenance"? Maybe "information" would suffice?

moving it into a que

"moving it into a queue"

Good-night

"Goodnight" is one word.

dark blue green

"dark blue-green"

“It’s a heatmap, Duncan,” She snapped.

"“It’s a heatmap, Duncan,” she snapped."

SCP Facility

"SCP" in-universe is "Special Containment Procedures". Try "Foundation Facility" or "Foundation Site" instead.

███████████

Why? Is this it speaking to him? I get the theme of redacting things in this section but it's not needed here.

Day 37

Argus implacably loaded one dataset

I don't think "implacably" is a word, and it doesn't really make sense in the context either.

Duncan stood up as well.

I think remove this? It feels strange, too many short sentences in a row.

It was not language.

"It was not his voice."

“There are three more still in there. They need immediate extraction!”

What's stopping Duncan from physically dragging Karen and Clark (if not Tom as well) with him when he leaves the bunker? Why does he leave them there?

“What the fuck was that,” Johanna turned to hiss at Duncan.

"“What the fuck was that?” is a question. And why is she angry at him? It seems a little out of place.

“Our three team members need help!” Duncan shouted through the gate.

This as an opening feels wrong. Idk why though. Maybe because the end of the previous part contrasts heavily with the opening of this part.

Sargent Rizzo

"Sergeant Rizzo"

in an apparent attempt to silence the other man.

"in an apparent attempt to silence him."

an isolation tent

"a tent"

He was still in handcuffs.

Move this to the bit after the sentence about the tent.

She now appeared to be talking to herself.

"She appeared to be talking to herself."

cases of cognetohazardous speech

"cases of cognitohazardous speech"

So, as a precaution someone had placed a pink sticky-note on the video screen to cover her face.

"So, as a precaution, someone had placed a pink sticky-note on the video screen to cover her face."

non-lethal bean-bag ammunition

Okay, but why? I feel like they would just shoot Tom. And he's dead in your narrative anyway, so it wouldn't change the outcome.

Day 38

Most of this section feels a little off. Duncan would not be allowed to treat the O5 like that, and he's already said he doesn't want to leave the Foundation. The story works, but it doesn't fit the setting or the characters.

in a woman’s voice

Delete this.

“Karen,” Duncan continued. “Karen and Tom had been looking at the heat map

Potentially you should use last names here? It's more formal.

in a man’s voice

Delete this.

If you’ve got any super-geniuses on the O5 Council

I feel like the O5 would snipe Duncan for insolence and if that wasn't your intention you should change the wording.

He looked from one camera to the next.

If you had stopped this part of the narrative here and taken it to mean that Duncan was feeling guilty for telling the O5 what to do and scared for his job and his life, it would've worked better. Regardless of Duncan's security clearance level, the O5 would not tell him that they were affected by the cognitohazards.

Excellent work as always, Council Member Six.

What you seem to be writing here is an O5 meeting that Duncan happens to be in, rather than a meeting about the breach or about Argus. The ending of this section ties up very well, but the part about the O5 being affected by the cognitohazards, while probably needed if you reference it again, feels very out of place.

Day 212

It had been over six months since he was formally employed by the Foundation.

I think you mean that it was six months since he left? This currently makes it seem like it has been six months since it started.

In the end, they had just let him walk out the door. Just as important, they’d let him take his memories with him.

This… doesn't feel right to me, idk.

his unconscious had started to understand

"his unconscious mind had started to understand"

The tone feels weird at first. It changes a lot, and is too casual in places. I understand it's not meant to be clinical tone but switching between casual conversation tone and harsher tone regardless of whether you're in dialogue is very strange. E.g. the dialogue and some of the prose is written in a more formal tone but some of the prose is written more casually. It causes inconsistency in the flow of the narrative, as well as just not being nice to read.

The perspective is strange in the first two sections too. At some points, you're using limited third person and other times you're using omnipresent third person. Keep it consistent.

When your dialogue tags use commas, the word after the comma should not be capitalised.

When you use dialogue tags with question marks/other sentence-ending punctuation, it looks better if you move the name next to the punctuation, e.g. "Duncan asked" rather than "Asked Duncan".

Chatham reminds me a lot of one of the characters in the novel I edited last year. Really well-formed, amazing.

The pacing in the first two sections is not great. I understand it's the set-up of the narrative but it felt a lot like it was dragging on in places. The pacing after Day 1 is significantly better.

There's a lot of basic SPaG mistakes (e.g. not using commas between adjectives) that I've flagged a couple of times in the LBLs. Please be aware I have not flagged all of these.

I like the ending. It's cyclical, not in setting, but in focus, and I like that. I was worried the epilogue would take it too far from the original storyline but it doesn't, really. In the end this story is about Duncan. The one concern I have is that the section before the epilogue is not a particularly satisfying ending without the epilogue to explain what Duncan's idea was. Epilogues are conclusions, but they serve to show that the character is continuing in their journey. The section before the epilogue also needs to end the story.

Apart from the SPaG issues, a couple of concerns with the initial pacing, and whatever was going on in Day 38, this was a solid Tale, and is written very well. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it, and would absolutely read it again. Please feel to run it past me again, and let me know when you post it.

+ Doctor Vivaldi/DoctorVivaldi

- Close

Hi!

Euclid

I'm torn here. If it manifested itself inside a Site then the Object Class would be Euclid or Keter, but it seems unable to move itself and nobody can move it either so therefore it's Safe?

one-sided windows

"one-way mirrors" (replace all times)

both of which are unclear to the SCP Foundation.

"the meaning of which is unclear"

Analysis of SCP-XXXX suggests that its explosion could destroy approximately 10 000 square kilometres

"Analysis of SCP-XXXX shows that its explosion could destroy approximately 10,000 square kilometres"

Yesterday, two humans died to [REDACTED].

Why "to"? And why is it redacted?

destroying approximately 10 000 square kilometres.

"destroying approximately 10,000 square kilometres."

The anomaly remained silent during the process and continued to act and converse in the same ways as before the attempt.

The anomaly can't be silent and conversing at the same time. If you mean that the anomaly was the same afterwards as before, you need to state that.

The attempt to move the object resulted in the discovery that it and its cart, now considered part of SCP-XXXX, are anomalously stationary.

Is the cart SCP-XXXX-1? (Or -A, whatever.) "Are anomalously stationary" feels wrong, and I think it breaks clinical tone.

one (1) hour,

Remove

an increased rate.

"an accelerated rate"

Approved, this required that the chamber be decorated as a researchers' staff room to justify frequent visits.

This just feels weird. The Foundation is a prison; they do not need to justify frequent or constant observation of anomalies.

wearing one-sided eyewear to hide the fact that they were observing it

I think remove this. Surely it would notice them since they're standing right next to it?

Dr. Shi's being single

"Dr. Shi being single"

affected have been known to attack

"affected individuals have been known to attack" or "affected objects have been known to attack"

Money will be placed in SCP-XXXX at the moment this question is asked.

Remove

Idk about this one. I'm just not feeling it, really. I think it's meant to be comedy, but it doesn't feel like it. The pacing is really slow and the narrative doesn't progress much. We don't really learn anything new about the anomaly beyond its initial description. The bomb has a relationship with a researcher but it's not really shown in detail or expanded on. 343's appearance doesn't really serve a purpose beyond being lolrandom. The ending is okay, but feels a little disconnected from the rest of the story. Idk, it's just not for me.

I hope that helps :)

Hi!

a) I'm still not sure about this but you seem pretty certain, and it's your decision.
c) The problem with this line was that you referenced the Foundation in 3rd person. The Foundation are writing the document. You could say "the meaning of which is unclear", but the reason for the anomaly's reverence for its creator is also unclear.
d) The Foundation are not uncertain about things. Strikethroughs exist in-universe because the Foundation were certain about an anomaly, but the information actually turned out to be incorrect.
i) Remove the whole thing. If we needed to know how long it took you would've already mentioned it further up the article. If it isn't surplus information, put it somewhere where it's obvious it's important and show that it's important in the article.
m) That is correct; I wasn't saying it wasn't a word, I was saying it breaks the tone.

(any section that doesn't have an annotation here is fine)

+ CalibriBold/Calibri_Bold

+ Limeyy

- Close

fishing and hunting related keywords

"hunting- and fishing-related keywords"

SCP-XXXX has several minor anomalous abilities, including:

Remove the punctuation from the end of each item in the list.

20th parallel north

"20th parallel North"

An indifference to SCP-XXXX's unusual appearance from those unfamiliar with its anomalous properties,

What does this actually mean? Also the wording is clunky and it doesn't really feel like an anomalous ability.

no secondary evidence collaborating such a purchase.

"no secondary evidence corroborating such a purchase."

32 story megastore that includes

"32-story megastore that contains"

Line was found to survive stresses beyond its typical capabilities during trials.

"Line was found to survive stresses beyond its typical capabilities."

In 8 hour period

"In an 8 hour period" or "In the 8 hour period"

Addendum 2: Interview with SCP-XXXX:

Is an interview log not separate from an addendum? Also the format of the interview is weird, but I think it's just missing "begin log" and "end log".

Since SCP-XXXX's discovery in 2018, Foundation efforts to contact SCP-XXXX were unsuccessful until on 03/02/2021, Foundation Agent Fabio Kuxim made contact with it posing as a member of the Internal Revenue Service.

"Since SCP-XXXX's discovery in 2018, Foundation efforts to contact SCP-XXXX were unsuccessful until on 03/02/2021. Foundation Agent Fabio Kuxim made contact with it posing as a member of the Internal Revenue Service."

floor to ceiling windows and a large round table

"floor-to-ceiling windows and a large, round table"

wearing a black three piece suit

"wearing a black three-piece suit"

traditional paper crown

"traditional"??

Thank you for meeting us on such short notice

"Thank you for meeting with us on such short notice"

SCP-XXXX: The Snakes and Coyoltlahtolli.Nahuatl for 'Tongue of the Coyote'. A term used by Aztec city-states to describe Spanish Conquistadors. have long since crushed my people and their rituals, perhaps. No more may shamans drink wine and feast in my name for a bountiful hunt, but make no mistake. I persist. SCP-XXXX: Now the Americans come to my pyramid. My modern teocalli. They drink beer and they feast under my roof as they pray for a good day's fishing. You cannot crush the Teotl with a holy book or with sulfur and gunpowder. As long as one Mexica breathes, so shall I.

I get that this is broken up for pacing but since it's SCP-XXXX speaking both times maybe you should put all the speech in one paragraph? Or a… stage direction?? like, a pause, in between the two sections.

Excellent draft, really interesting idea, made me laugh, 10/10.

+ basircuser

- Close

All instances of SCP-XXXX are to be stored in a standard air-gapped Foundation server.

"air-gapped"? and is SCP-XXXX online?

including an expert in hydromancy

This is not an ingredient.

Any online medium that mentions the process of making SCP-XXXX turns into a format resembling a recipe blog

Mentions the process of making (as in writing) the recipe? Or making SCP-XXXX-1 (i.e. following the recipe)?

resebling

"resembling"

reports from test subjects of SCP-XXXX-1 report the death as being peaceful

I get what you're trying to say here but people can't report how peaceful their death was if they're dead.

These are various interviews the Foundation conducted and documents the Foundation found that either reference SCP-XXXX or the users of SCP-XXXX.

The Foundation are writing the report in-universe, they don't need to reference themselves.

Researcher Danielle

Needs a first name in the "Interviewer" section.

Whiile Bautista was not looking, Researcher Danielle grabbed his copy of SCP-XXXX and sent it to Site-901 for safekeeping.

Should be "while" instead of "whiile". "Grabbed" breaks clinical tone; could be replaced with "obtained".

thye

"they"

I've told you to stop smoking already

Needs punctuation on the end.

Not much, but its there.

"Not much, but it's there."

[Andal hands over Danielle a folder. Danielle open the folder]

"[Andal hands over Danielle a folder. Danielle opens the folder]"

Andal: Hey, thats what you get when one of your steps is "be at sea".

"Andal: Hey, that's what you get when one of your steps is "be at sea"."

The dialogue in the second interview, specifically Danielle's dialogue, feels a little blunt; it's structured whereas it should probably be a little more casual.

Third interview should probably be an audio log rather than an interview.

Third interview feels disconnected. Mentioning crimes and then not mentioning them further on in the article hinders your narrative.

Site Director's notice feels very disconnected from the rest of the narrative and doesn't really make sense.

I have requested to accompany him during his daily life

Before this you referred to Bautista as "Ms". Keep it consistent.

Write the prologues and epilogues for the interviews in third person.

It was effective at disposing of a political dissident

The punctuation at the end of this sentence is one line below. Backspace so it's lined up.

I like the implication that Danielle is an assassin but overall I think it's still a bit disjointed. The content in the three interviews is not enough to show the growth of a meaningful relationship between Danielle and Bautista, and it just seems rushed. Even with the ending, it doesn't really do anything for me. I don't feel anything for either Bautista or Danielle, really.

These are various interviews the Foundation conducted and documents the Foundation found that either reference SCP-XXXX

"Below are various interviews conducted and documents found by the Foundation that reference either SCP-XXXX"

to destory what you

"to destroy what you"

please burn the parchment so no one will relearn how to do this

Capital letter needed at the beginning of the sentence.

If you manage to dispatch more people

You wrote "dispatch" twice in this paragraph and it feels a little repetitive.

Narrative- and pacing-wise, this is much better. There's clear narrative progression here where there wasn't before, and you are actually telling a story. Even though the ending is pretty open, it still works. I'm slightly hesitant about your decision to blackbox Marcos' name in the email, since people may well not know who he is.

+ BeautifulBaguetteBeing

- Close

SCP-XXXX appears to be a traditional late 19th-century photo album.

"SCP-XXXX is a traditional late-19th-century photo album."

The cover had big letters at the top reading

Breaks clinical tone. Try "The cover of SCP-XXXX is inscribed with the words".

Upon viewing SCP-XXXX individuals perceive the pages as displaying images

"Upon viewing SCP-XXXX, individuals perceive the pages to be displaying images". Are they perceiving the skip to be doing things or is it doing them?

birthdays, weddings, and other change-of-life events.

"birthdays, weddings, and other significant events"

The size of the book remains the same for all people.

Irrelevant, remove.

After they "relive" the memory and change their choices, they are able to see what would have happened if that was what had occurred.

Breaks clinical tone.

If multiple people are reading SCP-XXXX, the pictures are of the person closest to the book. If somebody else makes physical contact with the picture, nothing is reported to happen.

Clinical tone is a little bit off here. I recommend using "subjects" or "test subjects" instead of "people".

While archeologists launched an excavation of a plateau in Iran, They accidentally broke into what seemed to be an unexplored portion of the Qanat tunnels at first.

Reword. You can add this information in pieces without needing it in full sentences. Try starting with "SCP-XXXX was discovered during an excavation of a plateau in [somewhere], Iran."

Actually the entire discovery log is weird. Try rewording it into clinical tone and removing the excess information. Your focus should be the anomaly and its affects on the archaeologists, not the archaeologists themselves.

Welcome, Williams

"Welcome, Dr Williams"

Interviewee: [BLACKBOX]

"Interviewee: D-840264"

I am [BLACKBOX] and I am a physician's assistant at [BLACKBOX] Hospital.

D-Class very rarely have known names, and their occupations don't matter; researchers certainly wouldn't ask for them in official interviews.

You can use test subjects who aren't D-Class. If you need the reader to know about the D-Class's family in detail, don't use a D-Class. Otherwise, cut out the information under the blackboxes.

The Foundation would not pay D-Class (as they are there against their own wills) and they would not make it seem like they were going to. The Foundation are not incompetent; don't make them look it.

What is the chance I get harmed in any way.

"What is the chance I get harmed in any way?"

D-840672 My name is Dr. [BLACKBOX] and I am a researcher here. What is it this is about?

While D-Class are human test subjects, Foundation researchers are not D-Class. Give your researcher a name.

you will get a raise and become research head of SCP-[BLACKBOX].

This is not in Williams' control.

That son of a bitch

Don't hide swear words under blackboxes. The mainsite is made up mostly of adults, everybody is over 15, and, with a few exceptions, the Foundation would not redact swear words in audio logs.

Overall, I'm not convinced with this. You don't really have a narrative progression and the things your characters do either serve to show us things about the anomaly that we already know (the first two tests logs are virtually identical) or as a disjointed attempt at comedy (the end of the last test log). The concept is good and definitely has potential, but currently the way it's executed is not great. And please chill with the blackboxes.

+ Veralta

- Close

with selected individuals sent for psychological and memory testing.

"with selected individuals recommended for psychological testing."

SCP-5640 designates an inactive black serpentine entity weighing 1200 kg and having a length of approximately 750 kilometers.

"SCP-5640 is a black serpentine entity weighing 1200 kg and measuring 750 kilometers in length."

which is made of thaumaturgically-enhanced keratine

"which are made of thaumaturgically-enhanced keratin"

although they had conflicting details and were ambiguous.

"although the reports were ambiguous and contained conflicting details."

Bangus Festival

Footnote here should be after "Bangus"

Philippine's

Apostrophe goes after the "s"

SCP-5640-1 refers to a middle-aged human female.

"SCP-5640-1 is a middle-aged human female."

GoI-503

You said before that Aviatica was GoI-530.

A single notebook has been found on its hands

"SCP-5640-1 was found holding a single notebook. which contained no text save for the inscription "Consummatum est" on its back cover."

although several deciphered articles are modules, checklists, and manuals meant for Project BAKUNAWA

"although several deciphered articles were found to be modules, checklists, and manuals meant for Project BAKUNAWA"

levitating thaumaturgic circle made out of abaca fibers, bamboo stilts, and Arabian jasmine cuttings.

"levitating thaumaturgic circle constructed from abaca fibers, bamboo stilts, and Arabian jasmine cuttings." (You also have a footnote that is a different format from the rest after "jasmine")

It's March 25, 2035 na.

"na"? Seems like a Filipino thing, in which case it should be italicised.

have already successfully asked Bakunawa six times to do it.

Footnote should be after "in the past".

PH GDP index to jump to 5th from 140th after Project BAKUNAWA

"Jump" feels like the wrong word? Unless you mean "140th to 5th".

Your footnotes aren't at the bottom of the page.

I'm not familiar with the GoI but you're essentially retelling a myth and that works for me. The SCP-5640-1 entity perhaps felt a little disconnected and you didn't talk more about the notebook after you first mentioned it. They need to be relevant to the story if you include them, even if it's just explaining that they exist in the myth.

+ Pearden

+ Oboebandgeek99

+ GerryManderBassist/gerrymanderbassist

Emily Masters, SCP-XXXX Site Directors

I know it says "Site Directors" because there's two of them but was this intentional or is it an error?

on said maps

Remove

Foundation Site-A

Maybe give them a number as well as a -A/-B designation? I've never seen "-[LETTER]" Sites before and, while I think it's cool, Sites usually have "-[NUMBER]" designations. If both Sites are dedicated to guarding SCP-XXXX (which is maybe a little excessive), you can use, for example, Site-19-A and Site-19-B (but obviously not "19" specifically) to show that they are two parts of the same site in different locations.

unmanned logistics vehicles

The Foundation have self-driving cars now? Wouldn't put it past them but it also feels a little too sci-fi for the setting?

Site's Containment procedure

"Site's Containment Procedures" or "Site's containment procedures"

Clearance Level 4

"Level 4 Clearance"

For this reason, the anomaly has been classified as ‘Ekhi’.

I'm unsure about this being here. You've already said in the ACS that SCP-XXXX is an Ekhi Class object, and unless it's a reclassification then you don't need to repeat it.

SCP-XXXX is a near perfect spherical area that is 9.19 kilometers in diameter as of last measurement, located in Pennsylvania. The affected area designated as SCP-XXXX consists of the former mining town Canterbury, as well as surrounding forests and hills.

"SCP-XXXX is a spherical area of land located in and around Canterbury, Pennsylvania. It is 9.19 kilometres in diameter as of [DATE]."

undergoing the rapid mitosis

"undergoing rapid mitosis"

Inorganic objects, like articles of clothing or jewellery, have been perceived to be unaffected

"Inorganic objects, including articles of clothing and jewellery, are not affected by SCP-XXXX"

Foundation medical staff specialized in mental health

The Foundation has a Psychology Department. "Psychology Department staff are to moniter SCP-XXXX-1 and -2 instances for signs of depression following the completion of the process."

Instances of SCP-XXXX appear to be immune to further duplication as long as both instances are alive and within the perimeters of the anomaly.

"Instances of SCP-XXXX are immune to further duplication, providing both instances are alive and within the perimeters of the anomaly."

Site Director of SCP-XXXX

You mentioned the Sites built before; Emily Masters is the Site Director of Site-X-A/B.

(proven by the fact that he is alive and well after over forty years in the service of the Foundation)

While this is technically true, the placement is a bit strange. Even if Masters is writing her personal notes, they've ended up in a Foundation report. I do not think a Site Director would write this, because they risk losing their job, and potentially their life, over it.

one of the senior researchers here

Masters is writing to herself. She knows who Mauritz is.

Dr. Mauritz’ move to sponsor my promotion

"Dr. Mauritz’s move to sponsor my promotion"

the staff member in charge of the everyday occurrences amongst the Security detail

Again, this is useful information for us, but you need to consider the format you're using. If Masters is writing to herself, she knows who her colleagues are.

except for some outliers with severe trust issues

"with the exception of a number of outliers with severe trust issues"

Addendum-1

This log is unnessarily long. There's a lot of new information about SCP-XXXX, -1, and -2 instances that we learn in this addendum but most of the content is filler content. I recommend cutting it down a lot and writing it in a different format (e.g. a letter or email) wherein it is directed towards another person.

NOTE

The note before the log lacks clinical tone in places and is mostly filler content.

Dr. Mauritz steps back, asking an inaudible question to Site Director Masters as solely the wind is picked up by the camera’s speaker.

"Dr. Mauritz steps back, speaking inaudibly to Dr Masters."

VIDEO LOG – SCP-XXXX INCIDENT-7

This could be a really great scene if it was actually written in the format. Cut out everything you don't need.

[Two SCP-XXXX Instances of Site Director Dr. Masters]

Dr Masters is not an SCP-XXXX instance. She is both an SCP-XXXX-1 and SCP-XXXX-2 instance, in the way you have written it. It may be simpler, since the clones are fully identical, to refer to them both as SCP-XXXX-1 instances.

Rebecca and her click

"Rebecca and her clique"

Addendum 4

The only difference between these two notes is the coffee/tea thing. This is a very long log to have to read twice when it has no important differences. I suggest having it once, with an additional note saying that both the texts were the same save for [X Details].

Overall, I don't know how I feel how this one. I like the idea but there's too many words and it makes for slow pacing and a lack of narrative progression. Cut it down (get rid of any unimportant or repeated information) and keep your clinical tone tight. I know there's room for more addenda here, so I am taking into consideration that isn't finished, but currently I can't see it going anywhere exciting yet. I'm happy to take another look once you've made major changes.

SCP Sandbox III

Sandbox III: Revenge of the Sandbox