Tawny Flight Crit

22:40 <TawnyOwlJones> .s eat a white hat
22:40 <%Secretary_Helen> TawnyOwlJones: What Hides Beneath: the Black and White of Blackboxing (Rating: +63. Written 327 days ago By: MalyceGraves) - http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/avoid-the-blackbox
What Hides Beneath: the Black and White of Blackboxing - SCP Foundation
22:41 <TawnyOwlJones> Trickyni: take a look at the guide i just linked
22:41 <Trickyni> <TawnyOwlJones> you mindreader… this was one of the major things I wanted to nail down
22:42 <TawnyOwlJones> Trickyni: np. the basic consensus is don't blackbox unless there's an in-universe reason for it
22:43 <Trickyni> I kinda figured that one by hitting it with common sense
22:43 <Trickyni> pointless censorship makes reading really annoying.
22:43 <Trickyni> I really just need to know if there's any in-universe reasons to blackbox things that I'm not aware of yet
22:44 <Trickyni> My article just ends with "addendum 1" hidden behind level 3 clearance, and "addendum 2" hidden behind a level 4 clearance. it just means need-to-know happens naturally
22:45 <Trickyni> I haven't read quite enough SCPs to know if this is common practice or not.
22:45 <Trickyni> anyway, to the guide!
22:48 <TawnyOwlJones> Trickyni: i would say that names can be blackboxed to hide a person's identity, but for non-Foundation personnel pseudonyms or their actual names are more likely to be used. Also humanoid SCPs are still objects btw (i.e. use it/its pronouns and probably some form of dehumanisation (which comes with clinical tone anyways))
22:50 <Trickyni> TawnyOwlJones Are you referring to the interview bit? or to the censorship of subject [BLANK]
22:50 <PhStr1228> DrHawkmind http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/phstr1228-test-section Here is the current test section. Please note any issues
PhStr1228-Test Section - SCP Sandbox III
22:50 <Trickyni> 's name?
22:50 <TawnyOwlJones> Trickyni: rephrase?
22:53 <Trickyni> That said, subject [BLANK] herself is not an SCP, as she doesn't directly possess any anomalous properties.
22:54 <TawnyOwlJones> Trickyni: no i meant that the subject (as SCP-XXXX-A) is also likely to be considered as subhuman by the Foundation
22:54 <TawnyOwlJones> oh no apologies i misread
22:54 <Trickyni> if you've misread it, I wanna know where it was. I might be able to make that phrasing clearer :3
22:56 <TawnyOwlJones> "SCP-5XXX-A, the only instance of SCP-5XXX which has been safely contained" - why would they have a separate classification for the same entity? I presumed that SCP-XXXX-A was Subject Blank because she's affected by SCP-XXXX, therefore making her anomalous by extension
22:58 <Trickyni> That's one of the big interesting questions I bashed my head against while writing this piece. in the end, my resolution was "this is probably super-controversial, and I could probably explore it in a tale later. but for now, SCP-XXXX is contained by subject blank's strong, healed psyche. Working directly against it, stressing her out and
22:58 <Trickyni> potentially traumatizing her, could potentially be dangerous"
22:59 <Trickyni> They could obviously just shoot her in the head and eliminate the whole issue, but this is SCP, not DDD.
23:01 <TawnyOwlJones> that's not the issue here. i think it might just be a wording thing, but SCP-XXXX-A usually denotes a person or object affected by an anomaly. it's a tone thing; the foundation are extremely unlikely to consider her an equal.
23:01 <Trickyni> Hmmmm
23:02 <Trickyni> I might not completely understand separate instances denominations then
23:03 <Trickyni> there could potentially be thousands of independent instances of SCP-5XXX. the one trapped in subject blank's system is just the only one noteworthy enough to be separated. I named it SCP-5XXX-A arbitrarily
23:05 <Trickyni> I also think subject blank would most likely face a lot of issues in the foundation. I doubt she'd ever be treated as equal. the treatment I've devised for her reflects her being treated as "useful" and "not to be treated carelessly"
23:05 <TawnyOwlJones> it may just be my headcanon, but for me the foundation as a whole treating humanoid skips as humans usually points towards cliche self-inserts. a singular researcher treating a humanoid skip well is not the same thing. you can have your researcher going against protocol to treat Subject Blank like a human person and showing the implications of
23:05 <TawnyOwlJones> that, but having the entire article written that way changes the tone and for me would probably be an instant downvote.
23:05 <Trickyni> Things like her permission to carry sedatives, or the note on how people should call her by her name, those are things I imagine were put into the files after a LOT of back and fourths and a LOT of loud arguments
23:06 <Trickyni> Hmmm. Thank you for saying that. I'm trying to stretch the tone, but not break it
23:07 <TawnyOwlJones> regarding the labelling of the instances, you can denote a singular SCP-XXXX instance using -1 or -A or whatever, but you don't really need to unless that particular instance differs in anomalous activity from the rest.
23:07 <Trickyni> I figured that it is different, since it technically "failed to hatch"
23:08 <TawnyOwlJones> if you want, i can read your draft through again in full some time in the coming week and see what parts of the narrative work and what parts don't
23:08 <Trickyni> I would appreciate the heck out of that!
23:09 <Trickyni> it might not look quite like it does right now, do keep in mind. I'm re-reading and re-editing every couple of hours (or whenever I receive feedback)
23:09 <TawnyOwlJones> no problem, i've got a ton of other drafts on my list atm and my tells don't work but i'll catch you in chat or wikidot PM my crit to you when i'm done :)
23:10 <Trickyni> Thank you so much!
23:10 <TawnyOwlJones> yeah, that's fine. seek greenlights while you're at it and see what conceptual feedback you can get prior to getting full draft feedback
23:11 <TawnyOwlJones> of course! always happy to help

Hi! I'm Flight Officer tawnyowljones and I've decided to crit your concept!

I have yet to fully look at your draft, so I'm going to ignore its existence entirely and write this crit based on what you've written here.

I really just think you need to clarify what the events in the story are. You've got an interesting and fairly unique premise, but you don't go into detail about the narrative progression.

What's the arc of each of the narrative plotlines? You need at minimum a conflict and a conclusion, and preferably some form of set up and build up as well. Where do the two narratives intersect with each other? Subject R's story is especially important since it seems to be the main focus; what conflict does she face and how does it get resolved?

If there's two interlacing narratives, how are you planning on making them relate to each other? Do we see the information about the anomaly being revealed throughout the document? If so, are you showing that through external testing or through Subject R (e.g. using interviews)?

What does the contagion specifically do? It replaces people's personalities, but with what? Why does it not replace the personalities of all Subject R's alters?

I also want to know how the Foundation come into this. You mentioned in chat that there was a researcher who treated Subject R better than the Foundation in general, and I'm wondering whether you're still planning on including that, and how you plan on conveying the Foundation's reaction to both the anomaly and Subject R.

Finally, I'm wondering about Subject R in general. What is she saying, feeling, doing throughout the story? How does she react to the anomaly and to the Foundation? Do her alters every make an appearance, and, if so, do they react to the anomaly and the Foundation different to how Subject R does?

Overall, I think it's a decent idea. You do need to flesh out the narrative and explain what is happening at different points in the story, but the premise is solid. Describe each plot point (one sentence per point) in a reply to this and I'm happy to greenlight you.

That's all from me for now. Good luck!

+ Drayden475/D475

- Close

Hi! I'm Flight Officer tawnyowljones and I've decided to crit your concept!

I feel like this isn't particularly interesting at the moment, mostly because it follows quite a few cliches.

Having a sentient/sapient inanimate anomaly is kind of overdone, and having it cause mental distress is definitely overdone (see: thing-that-makes-you-crazy). That's not to say it's impossible to write, but without an original idea you won't have much to fall back on if your narrative isn't solid, and without a solid narrative it will be hard to convince people to read and upvote your article.

Bouncing off of that, the bigger problem here is the lack of central narrative.

Narratives have sections (set up, build up, conflict, conclusion) and characters. Who are your characters, what goes wrong, and how does it get resolved? You have a format and a vague premise (i.e. a theme you're trying to convey and an anomaly that does a thing) but there's nobody to follow that puts the story into perspective.

- What is special and/or interesting about the containment that it is different to the containment of any other inanimate object that manipulates people?
- Who is writing the blog post, and what information do they know that the Foundation previously don't? Why does their perspective matter to the Foundation, and how are you going to make it intriguing to your readers?
- What is the discovery? Does it actually matter?
- How does your story end?

Re: the blog post: why a blog post specifically? If this entire story could be told through forum threads/blog posts, there is a GoI format called Parawatch which is written through blog posts and documents people's first-hand experiences with anomalous phenomenon. Might be worth looking into?

Your hook is pretty good, but it's not reflected in the narrative. The best way to convey a general theme is through a character's experiences. What happens to your character that shows how weird time is? What emotions is your character experiencing, and how do they change as time and the narrative progresses? Etc.

Teal deer: I feel like this could be conceptually interesting, but currently there's not enough narrative meat for me to determine that. If you know what direction your narrative will take (e.g. if you have it written out in the draft), try translating it into your central narrative section.

That's all from me for now. Good luck!

+ Arcamiel

- Close

Hi! I'm Flight Officer tawnyowljones and I've decided to crit your concept!

The basic premise of this is pretty interesting, if a little generic, but you don't really go into detail about the narrative. Because the idea in itself isn't particularly original, you're going to need a solid narrative to hold the article up if you want it to have a chance of surviving on the mainsite.

Some questions for you to answer:
- What happened to Corporal White prior to this Tale and how does it line up with what happens/happened in the Foundation Site?
- How are you planning on framing his trauma so that it works as a plot device rather than an unending torture scene, while also being accurate and respectful?
- What is the Site, truly? And what is contained within it? How/why is it particularly shocking to the reader/Corporal White? This point is particularly important to consider because it's your conflict. (Tip for writing horror stuff: write about things that scare you personally)
- Does Corporal White interact with any other characters at all? What are those interactions and what new information do we learn from them?
- What are the characters seeing that the readers aren't? How do you plan on showing that's there's things the characters know but the readers don't?
- What is the personal lore?
- How does this story end?

I have concerns that it might end up being kind of flat, like if this dude's just walking through the Site and there's a generic Keter Class murder monster that eats your shins and then he kills it/dies/leaves it's not going to be as interesting as the elevator pitch originally implied.

If your characters and readers are reliant on descriptions of sounds and feelings you might want to look into 1) using actual audio and 2) reading Bird Box by Josh Malerman if you haven't already. Bird Box uses a lot of sound description (which replaces visual description in almost all cases) and still manages to be pretty visceral psychological horror.

Overall, I feel like this could go one of two ways. It really depends on whether you can sufficiently answer my questions and flesh out your narrative.

That's all from me for now. Good luck!

+ kingmeatballs

+ Richman_16

- Close

Hi! I'm Flight Officer tawnyowljones and I've decided to crit your concept!

Seconding fabledtiefling here that this would work better as a Tale. SCP articles are often from one perspective (that of the Foundation) and use a fairly strict format, whereas Tales can be in any format from any or multiple perspectives, which would be beneficial in this case. Even if you only show the story from the MTF Agent's perspective, not limiting yourself to a single exploration log is good (they can end up dragging on sometimes). A Joke Tale (as opposed to a Tale that happens to be comedy) is definitely also an option here (bearing in mind that in Joke Tales and -Js, the Foundation is often the brunt of the joke; and also that -Js and Joke Tales typically face a tougher audience than mainlist skips and Tales). That's not to say you can't write an SCP with this idea, but it's probably better to use a format with fewer restrictions.

Regardless of the format, you need to figure out who your characters are and what interactions occur at this convention. There's a lot of GoIs; which ones specifically are you planning on writing about? I recommend checking out their hub pages to see how they are characterised and how they interact towards each other and towards the Foundation.

You have the basic outline of your narrative here (yay!) but I can't help thinking that just listing the panels might end up being boring. Even if you include the descriptions of the stands/panels, I think the shift in focus between the list and the exploration log might be too much of a tone shift to work out properly. Adding in some interactions between various characters, whether they involve the MTF Agent or not, might make that tone shift less severe and out-of-place.

I like the punchline. The punchline is actually funny. (The whole idea is funny, it just needs a little more fleshing out earlier on.)

Teal Deer: I think you really just need to show the characters and their interactions earlier on in this. What happens at each panel, what happens in the employee lounge (and/or how are you going to establish the employee lounge as a place that exists and is bad), and how does it transition into the MTF Agent finding O5-2 running a panel/stand at AnomalyCon?

That's all from me for now. Good luck!

You're welcome!

I think it's not so much about removing the concept of the employee lounge (or similar space) but instead thinking about how you have your characters communicate that the employee lounge is a bad place. It's likely the same as to how people would communicate about The Staff (through rumor and allusion and anecdote and maybe the occasional sighting). The employee lounge is a hilarious concept and I think the skip, as a comedy skip, would benefit from it.

Half-rescinding my point about having this as a Tale. I will reiterate that single exploration logs (and long exploration logs in general) can be boring, so the format is something you should consider, but this could work as a skip, perspective-wise.

Regarding the panels, I don't know much about GoIs. MCD (and maybe SPC) is the only one here that seems realistic, but I'm not really familiar with the others. As good as the pun is, I don't think the CotBG one works; it might be worth asking someone who writes for CotBG.

I'm mainly concerned about this being a single exploration log and about a headcanon thing (the O5 are secret etc), but that's just my opinion. I think this is reasonably fleshed out and you know what you're doing. Have a greenlight! Let me know when you have a draft; I'd be willing to take a look.

+ Lethe101

- Close

Hi! I'm Flight Officer tawnyowljones and I've decided to crit your concept!

Most of these location are accurate to fairly high degree with the exception of one.

What are each of the locations and why are they significant? Why is it important that one of the locations isn't detailed, what skip did it contain, and which location is it?

The foundation asks the Beings where the missing scp could be only to find out the beings have captured it

Which SCP is it? Why would they capture it, especially since they just told the Foundation where it was? What further implications does this have for both Foundations?

Your narrative is in the Page Layout section. SCP Articles are written from the perspective of the Foundation, which here probably refers to the current Foundation rather than the Beings. You have fairly good narrative progression, but you need more detail on your conclusion and the hunt log (as above).

I feel like the Central Narrative section is just a weird summary of the narrative layout in the Page Layout section, but there is some important information there. I would suggest trimming it down to include the parts about the -1s being a previous Foundation, them being obsessed with a singular entity (maybe don't outright say that it's Satan? It seems cheap), and them stealing skips because their morals don't align with that of the current Foundation. And move everything from Page Layout into Central Narrative.

That's all from me for now. Good luck!

The questions you answered aren't really the ones I asked.

All location to the SCPs are accurate except for one.

The way you have rewritten your thread implies that the -1s captured the skip here because it attacked them, but this sentence doesn't imply the same. It implies that they were actually attempting to trick the Foundation into going somewhere else so that the -1s could steal whatever skip was actually at this location. This is good; it provides conflict between the two Foundations and a reason as to why they wouldn't return the skip to the Foundation. Having this particular skip be their singular obsession would also tie into the earlier parts of the article.

My other concern is that your conclusion might not be as strong as it could be because you still haven't told me what the implications are of the -1s stealing an SCP from the Foundation. How does the Foundation react to the -1s stealing their skips? Especially this one, since they are attempting to destroy every skip in the universe, which is something the current Foundation oppose.

+ DrDuckworth/Duckworth

+ Dr Spied

- Close

Hi! I'm Flight Officer tawnyowljones and I've decided to crit your concept!

I have a lot of concerns here but I'm going to break them down into four sections.

1) Insensitivity

Trivialising Covid (and other catastrophic real world events) is bad. Bearing in mind that there's a lot of people here who've been directly affected (and everybody's been indirectly affected) by Covid, it's probably not the place to write this. It's disrespectful, regardless of whether this is a mainlist skip or a -J, but especially if you're trying to pass off Covid as a Joke.

Additionally, while it is sometimes funny to laugh at "Karens", the idea that hateful and/or ignorant people are created spontaneously rather than formed by hatred of and/or ignorance towards marginalised people is neither good nor funny, and only serves to generate more bigotry and hatred towards those marginalised groups.

The idea that Covid was created in a lab is racist. Additionally, the Foundation has no reason to create something like this, or, if they do, you haven't stated the reason behind it.

2) Immersion/Suspension of disbelief

Real-life events can work in skips but it's often better to create your own event, even if it's based on something real. Because writing fiction means editing the specifics of the real-life event, you risk creating/spreading misinformation as well as denying specifics that happened at those real-life events (especially with catastrophes). For people who experience said real-life event, this can break immersion and suspension of disbelief because they know it didn't happen like the way you wrote it. It might be less of an issue to you when it's only one person who experienced the original event, but when it's everybody it's a lot harder to keep your skip on the site.

I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with writing about real-life events in general but it requires a lot of research and would be ambitious for a first-time author.

3) It's just not interesting

I personally do not want to see another piece of fiction media bring Covid into their world. Fiction is at least partially escapism; I don't want to exist in two worlds with a devastating global pandemic.

It's also, just, boring. I'm so over Covid being a thing it's not even funny anymore. I'm very lucky to live in a place where I can mostly ignore the existence of Covid; my family aren't, but they're still very much bored of it. I don't want to read about it, even if it's satire; it's not interesting to me.

4) Your actual article

Narratively, this doesn't have much meat. It's basically "The Foundation created Covid and Covid gives people a compulsion effect that makes them Karens". That's not a narrative. You need specific characters and a storyline and something to actually make your readers want to read this, and so far you don't have any of that.

If I was going to take this crit further, I would ask you to lay out your plot points in one sentence per point. The conflict and conclusion are especially important, and I would also emphasise that you need to talk about the Foundation's involvement in the article beyond them having created Covid. How do they interact with the characters? What story are you actually trying to tell here? Even if it's a -J, you still need some semblance of a story.

It also parodies the inconsistent designations for "sub-SCPs" (such as SCP-XXXX-1) by just switching between using numbers and letters

I don't get this. XXXX-1 and XXXX-A are used interchangably, yes, but they're usually consistent throughout an article and if they aren't it's usually because the author didn't read the guides/any skips before they started writing. The difference between -1 and -A are based in headcanon and it's a trivial difference. I honestly don't understand what you're trying to parody here. It isn't funny either, and will probably just come across as you messing up your designations rather than parodying people who do.

-Js and Joke Tales usually have the Foundation as the punchline. They're the target of the Joke. This doesn't have that.

That's all from me for now. Good luck!

+ volpra

+ andromedaz

+ Harriet Farrar/HarrietF

- Close

[REDACTED]

I'm much more of a fan of "n/a". Redaction implies that there is hidden information rather than absent or unknown information.

XXXX was absent.

"SCP-XXXX was absent."

Any trace of existence is thoroughly wiped from all the technological encephalon.

This feels like a repetition of the previous sentence. Remove entirely.

Class-Y Mnestics administered to staff; results futile.

This is a significant shift in tone. I think it would benefit from being on a separate line.

All anthropoid memory of SCP-XXXX has been unknowingly annihilated.

Remove, we already know this.

the entire facility and its perimeter searched.

"the entire facility and its perimeter were searched."

As SCP-XXXX inhaled, drawing in all known matter to its boundless bottom until it consumed itself an infinite amount, crushing galaxies and reigniting dormant nebulae into previously unforeseen concoctions, that which entered remembers that it never existed.

Very prose-y, and says much more than it implies. Significant shift in tone between this and the previous sentence, and I don't believe they can co-exist next to each other. Either remove one of them or bridge the gap. Putting this in clinical tone would be very interesting, maybe try it?

Recommendation: Write the addendum in present tense. It makes it significantly more immersive, which, when you have a draft this short, is really important.

22:25 <HarrietF> I've been through the paste bin and made most of the edits you recommended. http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/harriet-farrar-5 The last section confused me a little, about removing one of the sentences or bridging the gap.
Harriet Farrar 5 - SCP Sandbox III
22:27 <TawnyOwlJones> hello
22:27 <HarrietF> Hi there
22:27 <TawnyOwlJones> can you do me a favour and put the line break between each of the sentences?
22:28 <HarrietF> Oh, was it you who gave me the paste bin, I think I have been messaging the wrong Tawny
22:28 <TawnyOwlJones> yes, it was
22:28 <TawnyOwlJones> i changed my url, and i have two irc connections
22:29 <HarrietF> Okay that makes sense
22:29 <TawnyOwlJones> url lmao too much tumblr. nick
22:29 <TawnyOwlJones> 👍
22:29 <HarrietF> *Thumbs up*
22:30 <HarrietF> Did you mean a line break like that?
22:31 <TawnyOwlJones> nope, um, like a paragraph break. press enter
22:31 <HarrietF> On here, or the draft
22:31 <TawnyOwlJones> on the draft
22:31 <HarrietF> Oh okay sorry I'm the big dumb
22:32 <TawnyOwlJones> nah, no worries
22:34 <HarrietF> Thta should do it
22:34 <TawnyOwlJones> thanks
22:35 <HarrietF> Its all good
22:35 <TawnyOwlJones> there's less of a clash between the last two sentences now than there was before, but i'm still concerned conceptually about the last sentence
22:35 <HarrietF> Should it stay or should it go
22:37 <TawnyOwlJones> i had the same issue when i was writing my sqyd's challenge. it's really hard to convey the tone of the article when it's so short, especially when the tone of the sentences changes so much. keeping the central theme is fine, but the last line needs to be threaded throughout the article rather than tacked on at the end.
22:37 <HarrietF> Okay cool, what would be the best method of doing that?
22:39 <TawnyOwlJones> nothing about "absence" makes me think "space consuming itself". absence is in clinical tone, i think the prose ruins it.
22:39 <TawnyOwlJones> absence is "no", space consuming itself is "yes". they can wrap around and become each other but they aren't the same.
22:39 <TawnyOwlJones> hmm
22:39 <TawnyOwlJones> [many thinks]
22:39 <HarrietF> I can just ditch it altogether
22:39 <TawnyOwlJones> that would work, but you need something to replace it

+ DasonSky/Fish

+ Marcelles_Raynes/Mars

- Close

post craniotomy

"post-craniotomy"

Foundation approved mediums

"Foundation-approved mediums"

who fail to register 2 or greater

"who fail to score 2 or greater"

Failure to adhere to these precautions has resulted in termination from a sudden psychedelic onslaught in 100% of cases.

"Failure to adhere to these precautions results in termination from sudden psychedelic onslaught in 100% of cases."

Umar Hadid

Needs a title as well.

Description

Underline.

subspecies of lumbricina suborder, that are native

"subspecies of lumbricina suborder that are native"

and act as a hallucinogen.

Feels tacked on. Maybe move to the beginning of the sentence? "SCP-XXXX is a hallucinogenic, parasitic subspecies of lumbricina suborder that are native to the United States of America."

Beyond secreting (5-methoxy-N, N-dimethyltryptamine

Is the bracket intentional?

having protruding hook-like extenstions on either end of their bodies.

Is this meant to be a difference from a common earthworm? It isn't obvious whether it's a similarity or a difference between the two species and the previous part of the sentence heavily implies it's a similarity. Needs rewording if not.

SCP-XXXX also exhibits predatory behavior not found in typical members of its species.

Either move to the next paragraph or remove entirely. You talk about SCP-XXXX's predatory nature in the next paragraph so this isn't really needed.

each body contained SCP-XXXX instances.

"each body contained an instance of SCP-XXXX" or "each body contained multiple instances of SCP-XXXX" depending on whether it's one or multiple.

Interview Agent Amai

"Interview - Agent Amai"

approved narcotics for related research,

Switch the comma to a full stop/period.

[ To Command ]

Is there a particular reason for the spaces between the brackets and the words?

[To herself]

This is not italicised when the previous action is. There's inconsistency with this throughout the whole draft.

an individual named Barbara Eubanks claiming to have precognitive capabilities approached Researcher Hadid

Needs breaking up but I'm not sure how.

secured provisional site.

If it's a Foundation Site it needs capital letters.

Three members of MTF Delta 20,

"Three members of MTF Delta-20,"

Shaggy: [He sniffs]

I'm presuming this is different agents from those previously in Delta-20 because in 3835 you used she/her pronouns for Alpha.

In front of the team is a tree. The trunk of the tree is tall enough to obscure the canopy in darkness.

These two sentences (and the previous one) kind of clash pacing-wise. Suggest merging these two into one sentence.

There black tongues in the place of leaves

"There are black tongues in the place of leaves"

Shaggy fires multiple clips worth of ammunition

Move the footnote to after "ammunition" maybe?

Foundation agents occupying Subway

"Foundation agents occupying the Subway"

Non combative personnel

"Non-combative personnel"

Outside Eubanks is waiting. She is sitting down, casually reading a book."

"Outside, Eubanks is sitting down, casually reading a book."

handle your psychadelics

"handle your psychedelics"

Shaggy and Scooby are utlizing

"Shaggy and Scooby are utilizing"

And SCP-XXXX instance attempts

"An SCP-XXXX instance attempts"

but it unable as he evades the attack.

This sentence doesn't make sense.

quick acting LSD.

"quick-acting LSD."

After action report

"After Action Report"

Type B amnestics

"Class B amnestics" is the standard and my preference but it's up to you.

non-Euclidean cavern within Subway

"non-Euclidean cavern within the Subway"

Barbar Eubanks.

"Barbara Eubanks."

currently under and on-going investigation

"currently under an on-going investigation"

Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. Your characters being high all the time is hilarious. I feel like the conprocs could do with a brief explanation of what precognitive ability actually is; it's sort of presumed that the reader already knows what it means, and even though I was able to gather the meaning later on I think it would benefit from some allusion early on in the conprocs. I'm kind of 50/50 on the ending. I feel like it leaves too much open but I think that's just my personal preference regarding conclusions in general. I certainly wouldn't downvote for the ending at any rate, and I would definitely upvote for the rest.

+ Harriet Farrar/HarrietF

- Close

SCP-XXXX is to be sterilized by a level 2 or higher staff member

Put a time frequency between "sterilized" and "by", e.g. daily, weekly, as needed, frequently, etc.

level 2 or higher staff member

"Level 2 or higher staff member" (Same goes for all instances of "level"—->"Level" when regarding security clearance levels.)

any staff of level 2 clearance who has already used SCP-XXXX.

"staff members with Level 2 clearance or higher who have already been in contact with SCP-XXXX."

2 clearance level 4 personnel

"two Level 4 personnel"

the dogs

"SCP-XXXX-1 instances"

staff member in question does not get detrimentally affected.

"staff member in question was not detrimentally affected."

709 ml of water

That's very specific. Is there a reason it's so specific? If not, try rounding it. It's also inconsistent; in the first experimentation log, SCP-XXXX is filled with 5ml of water and the anomalous effects still manifest.

The anomalous nature of SCP-XXXX will activate 24 hours after it is filled with 5 ml of tap water, following which a dog or dogs will be found drinking from XXXX and will identify the one who activated XXXX as their owner.

This sentence is non-clinical and is very long. Consider shortening it and/or separating it into two or three sentences. You also should define SCP-XXXX-1 here.

If mineral water is used to fill XXXX, then the resulting instances will live for as long as they would naturally.

This is where you should compare the difference between tap water and mineral water. Default to "water" at the beginning, note here that the type of water affects lifespan, maybe follow it up later if it becomes relevant to the narrative (it probably should.)

XXXX-2 will always manifest on that person's pillow.

Who is "that person"? The owner?

Isle of Mann newspaper

"Isle of Man newspaper"

researcher O'Hara

"Researcher O'Hara" They should probably have a first name here too (just in the header).

the anomaly:

"the anomaly."

Hold ya horses I'm getting there, when I came downstairs, the following morning,

"Hold ya horses I'm getting there. When I came downstairs the following morning,"

there he was collar an all

"there he was collar and all" (Could be a dialect thing; don't worry if so.)

Wow…your dog came back to life, that's…that's really something, what are you going to do with the bowl now?

"Wow… Your dog came back to life, that's… That's really something. What are you going to do with the bowl now?"

Anomaly has been recovered, and the owner has been amnesticized, heading back now.

This is the wrong tone for a closing statement (should be clinical). The information is necessary but could do with a tone change. [EDIT: Unless, hmm, is it linked to O'Hara wanting to leave the Foundation?]

A Dachshund identified as Guinevere by D-3773

"A Dachshund identified as "Guinevere" by D-3773"

D-3773 was permitted to keep the photo as tests concluded it was not anomalous outside its animate properties.

Not my headcanon tbh, same with the part about the Foundation allowing D-3773 unlimited time with an anomaly. It's not a huge issue but I imagine people might not like it, even though it works in the narrative and is intended to be heartwarming.

there are so few SCP's

"there are so few SCPs", but at any rate "SCP" means "Special Containment Procedures" in-universe so maybe "anomalies" might work better?

her pallette was always refined

"her palette was always refined."

Impromptu Experimentation Log 2

Is this written by O'Hara outside of the Foundation? I presume so, but if not then the tone is off.

O'Hara's Notes #3

Again, just, like, I don't like that the Foundation let her take Ailey (who is an anomaly) outside of the Site. Allowing Ailey to live with O'Hara at a Foundation Site might be permissable, but anything beyond that is a big stretch.

I can't stomach the thought of getting rid of Ailey

"I can't stomach the thought of getting rid of her"

Luckily, my old home was converted to a Foundation safe house

What does this mean in context? Why is her home a safe house?

Ailey fell asleep on me while we were watching a film, couldn't bring myself to move her

"Ailey fell asleep on me while we were watching a film. Couldn't bring myself to move her"

forgot that didn't I, well serves me right I guess.

"Forgot that, didn't I? Well, serves me right I guess."

tear open on the big day, hope she doesn't destroy them too fast.

"tear open on the big day. Hope she doesn't destroy them too fast."

she's great around kids, the neighbour's kid

"she's great around kids. The neighbour's kid"

it's getting close, I know it is, I never wanted to get emotional in front of Ailey,

"it's getting close, I know it is. I never wanted to get emotional in front of Ailey,"

I helped her on the couch so she could lay down, I stayed with her that night.

This is in past tense; should probably be in present tense like the rest of the notes.

How am I going to cope at the Foundation?

Did O'Hara leave the Foundation entirely? Or just temporarily? If the Foundation knew Ailey would live a long time, surely they wouldn't've allowed her to leave?

I can't bring myself to go back, I nearly did, I almost left, but I didn't, I couldn't not yet, not while I'm feeling this emptiness, this hurt, how can I concentrate on work.

"I can't bring myself to go back. I nearly did, but I didn't. I couldn't, not yet, not while I'm feeling this emptiness. How can I concentrate on work?"

Researcher O'Hara took SCP-XXXX-1 (Ailey) photo outside of 00:Indigo.

"SCP-XXXX-1 (Ailey) outside of Safehouse 00:Indigo."

Overall, I think the execution is good, but conceptually it relies on a lot of stuff that I don't hold in my personal headcanon, which ruins the immersion for me personally. There is an established emotional connection between the readers and the characters and there's a narrative with decent pacing and progression, but the contents of the narrative break Foundation rules I hold as fundamental to SCPs. Having O'Hara use the skip in secret and compile her own research would be significantly more interesting, but 1) I don't think that's what you were going for and 2) you'd have to consider the in-universe repercussions of O'Hara stealing/hiding an anomaly, which might detract from the main focus of your story.

There's also a lot of run-on sentences which I've mostly picked out and corrected above but I likely will have missed some. The tone in prose sections, by definition, doesn't have to be clinical tone, but it shouldn't be extremely difficult to read.

+ Chapmann

+ Tiamat Elsen

- Close

Those found to be affected by SCP-XXXX

"Those affected by SCP-XXXX"

They should not be exposed to water in its liquid form; if the person lives long enough to require hydration it should be achieved intravenously.

Intravenous fluids are liquid.

if the person lives long enough

"if the subject lives long enough" (Foundation personnel affected by skips are considered just as subhuman as non-Foundation people affected by skips are, at least in my headcanon)

It is unknown whether it affects persons not employed by The Foundation.

"It is unknown whether it affects persons not employed by the Foundation."

Its effects are inconsistent but the afflicted, known as SCP-XXXX-1, generally suffer from adverse reactions to water.

Non-clinical. (Particularly "generally").

known as SCP-XXXX-1

"designated SCP-XXXX-1"

MTF Lambda-77, “Demersal Scotopic”

"MTF Lambda-77 (“Demersal Scotopic”)"

attempted to find Lt. Anenasya.

"attempted to locate Lt. Anenasya."

Upon sighting the retrieval team she smiled and began humming.

"Upon sighting the retrieval team, Lt. Anenasya smiled and began humming."

This was the first recorded occurrence of SCP-XXXX.

Should be included somewhere, but currently messes up the pacing where it is. Not a major issue, but could be moved elsewhere.

The day after Lieutenant Anenasya’s death Captain Skye - another member of Lambda-77 - was discovered dead

You didn't previously say that she died; you said she hadn't been found. "Lieutenant Anenasya's disappearance" might fit better. "The day after Lieutenant Anenasya’s disappearance, Captain Skye - another member of Lambda-77 - was discovered dead"

During autopsy her blood refused to coagulate

"During autopsy, her blood refused to coagulate"

A three minute long video was discovered on her phone, recorded an hour before her discovery.

"A three-minute long video was discovered on her phone, recorded an hour before the discovery of her body."

losing several litres of blood over the course of the video.

Personal thing: move the footnote to after the punctuation.

He refused to be put into contact with any water or water-containing solutions

"He refused contact with all water and solutions containing water." or "He refused contact with all water and water-containing solutions"

Although the request was granted he continued to complain about the noise

"Although the request was granted, he continued to complain about the noise"

remove his ears, eyes, much of his gums and his tongue.

"remove his ears, eyes, much of his gums, and his tongue."

At the time she was the lead researcher of SCP-XXXX

"At the time, she was the lead researcher of SCP-XXXX"

Once she became aware of her status as an instance of SCP-XXXX-1 she deferred her responsibilities

"Once she became aware of her status as an instance of SCP-XXXX-1, she deferred her responsibilities"

It has nothing to do with how well protected you are.

"It has nothing to do with how well-protected you are."

So for Kiara, Skye and I to have lived so long?

"So for Kiara, Skye, and me to have lived so long?" Also isn't Skye her surname?

Because of that, my departure from Lambda-77 felt like an anticlimax

Is the implication that Dr Vanth was previously an MTF Agent? Or just that she was a researcher appended to Lambda-77?

That’s where it all began, I guess.

Remove?

Mark out all the clearings, photograph all the flowers, watch sunlight fall through the canopy and twinkle in the dirt…

"Mark out all the clearings, photograph all the flowers, watch sunlight fall through the canopy, and twinkle in the dirt…"

After Devana’s death I convinced myself that my curiosity was a liability.

"After Devana’s death, I convinced myself that my curiosity was a liability."

Maybe it would have been wonderful or perhaps my life would have been cut short in a blackened steppe or carrion garden…

"Maybe it would have been wonderful, or perhaps my life would have been cut short in a blackened steppe or carrion garden… "

[Several minutes of the sound of rainfall. Vanth laughs softly]

"[Several minutes of the sound of rainfall. Vanth laughs softly.]"

Overall, I really like this. The only real issues I can pick out here are SPaG errors and minor inconsistencies. The actual story is really good, it's extremely well-written, the ending lands perfectly. I feel like you could play more on the dialogue; the things the characters say in the first addendum (and/or the idea that people say single cryptic lines) don't get carried through to the conclusion, and I feel like that's a missed opportunity. Regardless, would definitely +1.

+ Sound Chaser/SoundChaser

- Close

SCP-5394 victims

I usually designate people/animals/objects/etc affected by a skip as SCP-XXXX-1. Up to you, but I think it keeps the clinical tone better.

Due to the isolated nature of SCP-5394 victims, locating them is difficult.

"Locating victims of SCP-XXXX is logistically difficult, due to their isolated nature."

are to have their IP address traced.

"are to have their IP addresses traced."

Local Foundation investigators must then follow up, using appropriate cover stories, and question the potential victim on topics relating to SCP-5394.

"Local Foundation investigators must then follow up using appropriate cover stories and question the potential victim regarding SCP-5394."

SCP-5394 is, at the time of writing, ███ smartphones collected from around the world.

Not a fan of the blackboxing. Pick a number, or, less preferably, say it's unknown. Also the phrasing here is clunky and needs rephrasing.

No patterns have been identified regarding brand, location or year of production.

"No patterns have been identified regarding brand, location, or year of production."

Instances are functionally identical to non-anomalous smartphones.

"Instances are physically identical to their non-anomalous counterparts."

SCP-5394's effects manifest around two months after the victim inserts their SIM card, occurring in several stages;

"SCP-5394's effects manifest around two months after the victim inserts their SIM card and occur in several stages."

firstly, a small number of text messages sent from or to SCP-5394 will not be received, despite having definitely been sent.

"Firstly, several text messages sent to or from SCP-5394 will not be received, despite having definitely been sent." "Definitely" feels non-clinical but I'm not sure what to replace it with.

including social media, emails, fora and/or any other communal sites they frequent.

"including social media, emails, forums, and/or any other communal sites they frequent." "Fora" is accepted but it's a little weird, "forums" is more common.

The below texts were recovered from an instance of SCP-5394 belonging to Harry ███████ and a phone belonging to a Claire ████████.

Specify what instance of SCP-XXXX Harry is using and ditch the blackboxes (replace with surnames). Also maybe briefly explain who they are, even just a couple words would put the situation in context.

Harry: Sorry can't make it tonight. Need to get this essay done for tomorrow late night for me

Put timestamps before the names.

Claie:

"Claire:"

Overall, it's an interesting idea and I like how the messages are set up. I have two main concerns: lack of character set-up and lack of Foundation presence.

Re: character set-up; we don't know who these characters are. We don't know anything about them except for their first names. I'm 50/50 on this (because I've forgotten how I felt upon reading this the first time), but showing a conversation between them to establish who they are individually and to each other, as well as adding the sentence I mentioned in the LBL, would put them in context and make your reader care about them more. I have sympathy for them, but not really until right at the end. On reading back through, I feel much more connected to the characters, but I still feel like their introduction needs something, even if it's just that they have last names.

The more major problem is the lack of Foundation presence. With character-driven skips, it can be difficult to bring in enough Foundation-ness if you aren't writing about Foundation characters. Currently this skip reads a lot more like a Tale than a skip. Your options here are to either 1) make Harry and(/or?) Claire explicitly Foundation characters or 2) write about the Foundation's reaction to finding these messages. I think Option 1 is significantly easier and also better (because it points towards the Foundation staff being lonely and isolated, and also the ending is good where it is and so appending other things on the end might ruin it), but it's up to you what you do with your writing.

22:18 <SoundChaser> Alright, do you mind me commenting on the odd thing? Shouldn't take too long but I get if you have other stuff on
22:19 <TawnyOwlJones> not at all, go for it. the lounge pings me when you send the messages so i'll be doing stuff in the background but should answer fairly quickly
22:20 <SoundChaser> Okay, cool. Names are uncensored; i think I censored them because I didn't want to make one person the focus, but that was a mistake going by responses
22:22 <SoundChaser> It originally ended before the addendum as a retro thong what does a thong, but I chickened out and added some character. There's so little Foundation presence as a result of me trying to be as stark and minimalist as possible, but that's an artifact from the older version
22:22 <TawnyOwlJones> my wikidot is broken so refreshing the page doesn't allow me to see the changes but update as you go and i'll look as soon as i can
22:23 <SoundChaser> I like the idea of making one of them personnel, but I kind of envisioned them as students while writing; do they come across as top immature to work as one being a member or is the "dialogue" fine as-is?
22:25 <TawnyOwlJones> i think the dialogue is okay. foundation personnel are people, even if their morals are a bit fucked, but outside of documenting skips they can speak however they want, at least in my headcanon.
22:28 <SoundChaser> Cool, thank you. Also, question; should Claire or Harry be the researcher? Harry's the victim, they both clearly have issues but Claire's the more outgoing one, and I do envisipn her as being in a better place, hence the phone targeting him instead
22:29 <SoundChaser> I'm not sure if researcher's friend vanishes and she tries to find him or researcher has breakdown and they find out this is why works best
22:29 <SoundChaser> Although that would be background anyway
22:29 <TawnyOwlJones> oh i presumed Claire was the victim
22:31 <SoundChaser> I wrnt in with Harry in mind, started doubting myself as I wrote but eh. I tried to imply he was on his own much more, and these two relied on each other but the thing was trying to make her feel like he let her down, and him that he failed her
22:32 <SoundChaser> Clearly this needs a bit more work than I thought hsha
22:35 <TawnyOwlJones> rereading, i can see where you intended it to focus on Harry but that isn't what i picked up from the first three times reading through. Claire is more outgoing but she also seems to take not receiving the messages much harsher than Harry does. Maybe using a text bubble format to show whether the message was sent or received by a specific person
22:35 <TawnyOwlJones> would make it easier to discern who the victim is?
22:36 <TawnyOwlJones> also, yeah, but that's what crit's for. sometimes our writing doesn't do exactly what we want it to do :)
22:37 <SoundChaser> Ain't that the truth
22:37 <SoundChaser> Youre right about the texts, I'll see if I can nick some code of another article to make it clearer
22:38 <TawnyOwlJones> it's on the style resource iirc
22:39 <TawnyOwlJones> having Claire's name at the top of each screen would make it clearer that Harry is the victim maybe? or vice versa? but then i'm not sure how you would show Claire's unsent messages, or vice versa
22:39 <TawnyOwlJones> it requires some thinking, methinks

+ DrGolden/Dr Golden

- Close

Access to Mount Sipylos is to be unrestricted until the day a "TANTALUS" event is scheduled to occur. The day a "TANTALUS" event is to occur, access to Mount Sipylos is to be completely restricted under the reasoning of maintinence and cleanup.

"Access to Mount Sipylos is to be unrestricted until the day a "TANTALUS" event is scheduled to occur, at which point access to Mount Sipylos is to be completely restricted under the reasoning of maintenance and cleanup."

SCP-XXXX-1 is the summit of Mount Sipylos, sculpted in the appearance of a woman by unknown and most likely natural means.

"SCP-XXXX-1 is the summit of Mount Sipylos, sculpted in the appearance of a woman by unknown means."

From the "eyes" of the sculpture, water constantly streams out of the summit, creating a river.

"Water constantly flows from the "eyes" of the sculpture, creating a river [IN WHEREVER THE RIVER IS, E.G. A VALLEY]"

During a "TANTALUS" event, the water is instead replaced with blood.

"During a "TANTALUS" event, the water is replaced with blood." (Also maybe space this so this sentence starts a new paragraph?)

the leaves are a mixture of those found

"the leaves are a combination of those found"

The tree has one main branch

"SCP-XXXX-2 has one main branch"

18 more secondary branches

"18 secondary branches"

Whenever someone attempts to reach for said fruits, a soft wind blows them just out of reach.

Feels non-clinical and out of place.

On each of the 18 secondary branches, either a man or woman is seen laying down with their back on the ground.

Is this, like, actual people? Or images carved into the tree?

All it's speech is spoken in Ancient Greek.

"All its speech is spoken in Ancient Greek."

You never state what SCP-XXXX is, only -1 and -2. I'm also not entirely sure what this alludes to? It's cool, but there's no real connection to anything and it means nothing lands as well as it could. Is there meant to be a link to a real-world or mythological event that I'm missing?

21:48 <DrGolden_Phone> Heya! So first of all thanks for the crit. Secondly, the SCP is alluding to the myth of Queen Niobe (thus the niobium).
21:49 <TawnyOwlJones> np!
21:49 <TawnyOwlJones> oh i don't know that one. i don't think it manages to stand alone; you need more obvious allusion to the myth imo
21:49 <DrGolden_Phone> Alright, should I give a basic rundown of the myth to see how else I can allude to it?
21:50 <TawnyOwlJones> in here? go for it
21:51 <DrGolden_Phone> Okay so, Niobe boasted that she was better than the titaness Leto because Leto had 2 children while Niobe had more. The number is disputed but there’s always an equal amount of sons and daughters. Leto, outraged, sends her kids ARTEMIS and APOLLO to
21:51 <DrGolden_Phone> Kill each child
21:51 <DrGolden_Phone> artemis kills the girls and Apollo the boys
21:51 <DrGolden_Phone> Niobe herself gets turned to stone, left grieving for her children forever
21:52 <TawnyOwlJones> okay, so it makes sense in context, which is good. but, errrr, you don't provide any of the context in the skip, other than her name
21:53 <DrGolden_Phone> Alrighty, so I need to let the reader know about the Niobe myth somehow
21:53 <TawnyOwlJones> yeah
21:53 <TawnyOwlJones> otherwise, it's looking pretty good
21:53 <DrGolden_Phone> Great! Thanks :]

+ Kantum

- Close

Hi! I'm Flight Officer tawnyowljones and I've decided to crit your draft!

You go through your formative years associating it with a sense of comfort, if you're lucky enough not to be the offspring of an asshole or two, that is.

"You go through your formative years associating it with a sense of comfort (if you're lucky enough not to be the offspring of an asshole or two, that is)."

being raised by me and an equally incompetent human being.

Who is the "equally incompentent human being"? It's not clear.

they look at you makes you regret thinking that, and you smile.

"they look at you makes you regret thinking that."

recoiled frantically, and immediately, it was gone.

"recoiled frantically and, immediately, it was gone."

It was not the sort of thing you chalk up to your imagination, or sleep deprivation.

"It was not the sort of thing you chalk up to your imagination or to sleep deprivation."

I knew what I saw

"I know what I saw" (EDIT: neither really fits. "I know what I saw" denotes thinking about the past and would be the better of the two, but neither fit in combination with "and I sat there", so idk.)

I didn't know what so say.

"I didn't know what to say."

My conversation with David was still seared into my mind, whatever that thing was, David was apparently its doorway into our life.

"My conversation with David was still seared into my mind. Whatever that thing was, David was apparently its doorway into our life."

Some time after we found ourselves in some kind of building, it looked like a military base.

"Some time after we found ourselves in some kind of building; it looked like a military base."

I wish someone will talk to me soon, though.

"I hope someone will talk to me soon, though."

I really like this. Initially I was thinking that Class C wasn't the best option, but the ending is fantastic and lands really well. I was also concerned that the last section would end up being surplus and that having anything after the character getting amnesticised would ruin the story (obviously this isn't always the case, but I felt it might be here.) but then I realised this is written in real-time and not retrospectively, and, well, damn, well done.

I think the dialogue needs work; I don't like the stuttering-as-nervous thing, I think it can work at times but this is not one of those times. I think the dialogue might not be spaced from the block paragraphs correctly, but it might be because it's in tabview. It's not a major issue, it just makes the pacing a little weird. There's also issues with run-on sentences. I've offered fixes for the ones I saw but there might be more so make sure to check again.

I really like the idea of the Foundation being actively in web forums. I don't think I've ever seen that before and it's really cool.

That's all from me for now. Good luck!

+ Gopher-Chucks

- Close

Hi! I'm Flight Officer tawnyowljones and I've decided to crit your draft!

Prior containment procedures required only a standard freezer unit, as SCP-XXXX can survive extremely low temperatures. However, due to the rate of decay, this requirement has been modified.

I'm not entirely sure this is needed? Unless the point about decay is followed through later, this footnote just acts as surplus. [EDIT: If you add the date from Addendum XXXX-D then the footnote would make sense and the addendum would be in context.]

must be covertly monitored in the event that a second iteration manifests.

"Iteration" doesn't seem like the right word here. "Instance" might work better.

but the bones and ligaments continue to degrade.

"while the bones and ligaments continue to degrade." or "but the bones and ligaments will continue to degrade."

then return to its top half

My prior understanding of bisection was similar to that of dissection. I didn't realise the corpse was torn in half for quite a while and I think that maybe needs clarifying earlier on?

see addendum XXXX-A

"see Addendum XXXX-A"

it will effectively deflate in shape, and its motion will be hindered beyond function.

Remove the comma.

with SCP-XXXX

I'm presuming you're planning on editing the number into the recording?

one of which is bent to face the opposite direction

I feel like this would benefit from being in the description rather than this log (since the log is not the first interaction with SCP-XXXX, this is likely known information.)

If there are portions of the hippocampus still alive in there, maybe it’s remembering how to walk.

Is the part that's walking just its legs (and the lower half of its torso)? Apologies if this is going over my head but how are its legs still connected to its brain?

It’s mostly just brushing up against the walls and crashing into it blindly

"It’s mostly just brushing up against the walls and crashing into them blindly"?

The following audio clips were recorded over the course of two weeks.

I suggest adding transcripts for these.

the Foundation has made inquiries

"inquiries have been made"

The only report found that nearly matches SCP-XXXX comes from Norman Wells, Northwest Territories

"nearly matches" and "comes from" aren't clinical. "comes from" can be replaced with "originates from" or "originated from"; unsure about "nearly matches".

add’l

Maybe change to "additional"? The contraction breaks the pacing a little.

9/4/2020 18:42:03 dad birthday gift ideas during covid

Covid kinda doesn't need to be mentioned. Skips about Covid aren't advised and even with the date I feel it isn't actually relevant to the material, and thus breaks immersion at least a bit.

project with a high risk rating, so that you will better understand why we are doing this.

Remove the comma.

Overall, this is good. I like the concept even though I'm confused by some of the material.

Maybe separate the ultrasound results and the search results into their own addenda?

I don't think the last paragraph is necessary; it only provides context for Addendum XXXX-B which I think works better as horror rather than as a "cold not cruel" teaching moment. SCP-XXXX's requests would largely be the same as that of many humanoid anomalies, so "don't accuse the Foundation of cruelty" is probably something that's enforced Foundation-wide rather than in specific cases.

That's all from me for now. Good luck!

+ Fireknight

- Close

Hi! I'm Flight Officer tawnyowljones and I've decided to crit your draft!

I originally critted the wrong version of this so if there's anything, especially in the Overall crit, that seems completely incorrect it's probably because the vibes differ between the two versions and I got them confused. There shouldn't be anything, but apologies in advance.

Keter

Why Keter? Isn't it an inanimate object?

On the first day of each month, SCP-XXXX is to be removed from its safe and brought to Sector 9 Sector 113 alongside an acceptable candidate for SCP-XXXX-1.

Why? Why are the Foundation doing the same test every month when it yields the same results every time? If nothing else, it's kinda boring to read.

An external sector approximately one kilometer from Site-25 Site-26.

I'm not a fan of strikethroughs in conprocs. I get the point of the other ones here but this one in the footnote seems unnecessary unless there's a reason stated later on for both sites being one kilometer away from their respective sector. If there isn't, I suggest removing the "Site 25" in the footnote.

No individual is to directly touch SCP-XXXX at any other point in its handling.

Why not?

When they fail this goal they are to be disbanded immediately and a new, identical, task force is to be made with different members.

This is excessive. Agents aren’t disposable.

D-class

"D-Class" is capitalised. (This goes for every instance of the word.)

not given any information about the Foundation.

Non-clinical.

Class A amnestics are to be administered upon their arrival at Sector 9 Sector 11.

But why? Class A amnestics randomly target memories in the past 6 hours, which seems somewhat pointless in this scenario.

If SCP-XXXX-1 escapes containment, conflict is not to be initiated. Instead, a clear surrender is to be announced by a nearby personnel member with the most authority.

Why though? Seems nonsensical.

SCP-XXXX is a large, leather bound book

"SCP-XXXX is a large, leather-bound book"

The cover is blank aside from signs of weathering.

"The cover is unmarked aside from signs of weathering."

leaving no traces from the original author.

"leaving no traces of the original author."

While SCP-XXXX-1 holds SCP-XXXX

"When SCP-XXXX-1 comes into contact with SCP-XXXX"

If SCP-XXXX-2 is an organization, complete disbandment. If SCP-XXXX-2 is an organization, implementation of policies to restrict their functionality.

"If SCP-XXXX-2 is an organization, implementation of policies that restrict their functionality, or complete disbandment."

Attempts by nearby guards to restrain in proved unsuccessful.

"Attempts by nearby guards to restrain it proved unsuccessful."

It went to the residence of █████. An individual later found to have kidnapped SCP-XXXX-1’s son three years prior.

Is this relevant? If so, remove the blackbox. if not, remove the whole sentence. The second sentence here is a fragment and should be attached to the first sentence here. “It went to the residence of an individual later found to have kidnapped SCP-XXXX-1’s son three years prior."

It took two more similar events before SCP-XXXX’s ability to force contact was discovered, these have been cut for brevity.

Non-clinical. Also not relevant to this test log in particular; I suggest moving it elsewhere.

After restraining all personnel that fired upon it

This is logistically weird.

publicly apologize to the site

" publicly apologize to the Site"

before interacting with the group of interest.

"before interacting with the Group of Interest."

Future tests are to avoid personal connections between SCP-XXXX-1 and SCP-XXXX-2.

The problem with this is that SCP-XXXX-1 refers to all -1 instances and SCP-XXXX-2 refers to all -2 instances. I don't think it's a major issue but maybe it needs a clarification on whether you mean all further tests or just further tests on the people in this particular log.

SCP-XXXX-1 did not follow Foundation directions.

Interesting; but why? I like how this section links back to the conprocs but I think you need to explain why the result of this log is different to the others in more detail.

After he caused the collapse of a Foundation site

"Site" should be capitalised. Does it matter which Site in particular? If it’s a Site that’s been mentioned in the article already, you should specify it here.

This interview was done to conclude

"This interview was conducted to conclude"

You felt like a hero. (Agent Grey laughs) you’re free to stop me if you disagree.

Put these sentences on separate lines so that the break (Agent Grey laughing) is separated from Garcia’s dialogue. Same goes for the rest of these.

Researcher Grey: Do tell.

Should be Researcher Garcia.

I heard that you were the front line against some sort of cosmic threat and I wanted in.

This isn't my headcanon and it kinda breaks my suspension of disbelief. Headcanons differ but check with someone else.

It let you be a hero again?

Hmm. I fail to see the connection between destroying a Foundation Site and being a hero. I get the connection between destroying a Foundation Site and not having the job you wanted, but it's not the same connection.

Amanda Brown

You mention who this is in the old version but not the updated one. It's important.

So we better pray to god we’re not the villains.

"Self-aware Foundation" is once again not my headcanon. I don't know, it just reads strangely.

Your request for a rewrite of SCP-XXXX’s containment has been rejected.

Perhaps too meta? Reads a little strangely.

Overall, it's okay. SCP-XXXX uses a compulsion effect, and even with the story behind it it’s a little dry. I can understand the "compels people to hurt people because it wants a story" part, even if it’s cliché, but I don’t like the part about it compelling people to touch it/forcing contact; it feels tacked-on.

The initial test logs are a little disjointed from the main story and seem to mostly paraphrase information we’ve already been told in the Description. That being said, it does work in retrospect; when we learn that the book perhaps isn’t malicious and just wants to write a story, we look back at the initial logs and it works, but for a while they don’t really land. The

The PERSEUS program logs communicate your story significantly better than the first set of logs. I do think they should be Test 1, 2, and 3, rather than 1, 4, and 5 though, unless there's a reason to skip 2 and 3.

You need a <Begin Log> between your foreword and the start of your dialogue in your interview.

I like the idea of tying this to the writing process, but the stuff about the Foundation’s villainy seems like overkill. Tone it down a bit and it might land better. Talking here about the book’s specific intentions would be good too; is it willing to kill people for its story, or not? What are the implications of that?

For reference, the current version is better overall than the previous one. The endings of both are weird; the first is a reiteration of the conprocs, and the second is a proposal that gets sniped so fast we don't really get to understand the implications of it. The second ending also has Researcher Garcia treating the skip like a human, which is a little weird and out-of-headcanon. Neither land well atm imo, but with some rewording the second one is viable.

That's all from me for now. Good luck!

+ BlueLightningDragon

- Close

19:44 <BlueLightningDragon> here's the link when you're available: https://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/bluelightningdragon
SCP-XXXX The Gemstone Of Death - SCP Sandbox III
19:45 <Mars> Anyone else got time for a 4k draft about LSD worms
19:45 <TawnyOwlJones> BlueLightningDragon: hmm, yeah, okay. please bear in mind that reviewers are not supposed to write your skip for you, and LBL crit isn't designed to pick up large conceptual flaws. if i'm reading a skip and I don't feel that an LBL is beneficial, i won't do it.
19:45 <BlueLightningDragon> Okay
19:45 <BlueLightningDragon> you can just do normal crit if you want
19:46 <BlueLightningDragon> And I'm getting crit to improve my article, because I don't want it to crash and burn
19:47 <BlueLightningDragon> I don't know which part is which in my article that's why I'm asking mainly for LBL to specifically point out the error
19:47 <BlueLightningDragon> like the overwroughtness
19:47 <TawnyOwlJones> i'll read it through first, but i think given the number of times you've posted this draft to the mainsite and had it deleted, you probably need to get ideas crit and change the concept. it's all well and good if the spag is good but if the story isn't interesting or connected it won't work on the mainsite
19:48 <BlueLightningDragon> Er, what's "spag"
19:48 <TawnyOwlJones> spelling, punctuation, and grammar
19:48 <BlueLightningDragon> Oh okay
19:48 <TawnyOwlJones> like, you keep mentioning that your dialogue is bad, but there's probably also bigger issues. which is why greenlighting exists.
19:48 <BlueLightningDragon> and the first post I did was a mistake I did, I'll admit
19:49 <BlueLightningDragon> I can't get anyone to see my greenlight post
19:49 <BlueLightningDragon> It's already plenty old now
19:49 <BlueLightningDragon> I've PMed butterfly squad members also
20:10 <BlueLightningDragon> Quick question, what temperature type does the foundation wiki use
20:10 <BlueLightningDragon> Celsius or Fahrenheit?
20:11 <@cybersqyd> the foundation always uses metric; so celsius
20:11 <BlueLightningDragon> Okay
20:19 <BlueLightningDragon> Mars, I'm changing up the results of viewing the gem and focusing on how the effects propel the narrative.
20:20 <TawnyOwlJones> BlueLightningDragon: can you describe your narrative in one sentence per plot point?
20:21 <BlueLightningDragon> per plot point?
20:21 <BlueLightningDragon> Do you mean important events in the story?
20:21 <BlueLightningDragon> okay
20:21 <TawnyOwlJones> yeah
20:22 <BlueLightningDragon> Eta-10 recovers the anomaly from a deranged curator that warns them over and over to not harm it, and almost kills one of the team trying to keep them away from it.
20:22 <Mars> Alright
20:22 <BlueLightningDragon> Second,
20:23 <BlueLightningDragon> The Foundation puts the anomaly into a containment unit designated for cognitohazardous artifacts, and a test results in a breach causing major mental and physical damage to security and personnel.
20:23 <BlueLightningDragon> third,
20:25 <BlueLightningDragon> Dr. Daniel is made lead researcher of the anomaly, and conducts experiments concerning the gem's connection with death, concluding that the gem is a portal to a pocket dimension where the SCP-XXXX-2 instances roam.
20:25 <BlueLightningDragon> fourth,
20:27 <BlueLightningDragon> The Foundation recognizes major effects of the anomaly besides its normal effects, such as feeling unsettled or emotional, flu-like symptoms and report hearing voices over their shoulder and seeing instances of SCP-XXXX-2 as deceased loved ones.
20:27 <BlueLightningDragon> andd I think that's up to date
20:28 <BlueLightningDragon> Is that too much per sentence?
20:28 <TawnyOwlJones> no that's fine, one moment
20:28 <BlueLightningDragon> Ok
20:30 <TawnyOwlJones> BlueLightningDragon: why do you want to write this skip in particular?
20:30 <BlueLightningDragon> Er, I thought of it
20:30 <BlueLightningDragon> why do you ask?
20:32 <BlueLightningDragon> And also because I made up some scientific creatures and such for my fantasy book. some of them just didn't make sense by standards of my fantasy world, so I thought, "Hey! I'll make this into an SCP!"
20:32 <BlueLightningDragon> It was technically an anomaly in my fantasy world as well
20:34 <TawnyOwlJones> because if you want to write it then you think there's something interesting about it, and you don't seem too willing to edit the concept (given that you are soliciting draft crit when you have a four-day-old ideas forum thread with two replies telling you it's not a particularly compelling narrative). what do you find interesting about this story?
20:34 <BlueLightningDragon> The death thing in particulor
20:35 <TawnyOwlJones> that it kills people?
20:35 <BlueLightningDragon> NO
20:35 <BlueLightningDragon> oops caps
20:35 <BlueLightningDragon> No
20:35 <TawnyOwlJones> so what
20:35 <BlueLightningDragon> (Sorry I use shift to type caps)
20:35 <TawnyOwlJones> dw
20:35 <TawnyOwlJones> please rephrase the "death thing"
20:36 <BlueLightningDragon> I changed it that it doesn't kill people
20:36 <BlueLightningDragon> And it is connected to death
20:36 <TawnyOwlJones> no, but it makes them kill themselves, which is functionally the same
20:36 <BlueLightningDragon> How does it make them kill themselves, though?
20:36 <BlueLightningDragon> I never put it makes them kill themselves…
20:37 <TawnyOwlJones> i mean that's what i understood from your draft. they come into contact with it, go crazy, and kill themselves
20:37 <BlueLightningDragon> Sure, Saffron and the curator did it, but it depended on *what the voices told them to do*
20:38 <BlueLightningDragon> But did I explicitly put they killed themselves?
20:38 <BlueLightningDragon> I don't think I did…
20:38 <TawnyOwlJones> then in that case it's a thing-that-makes-you-crazy.
20:38 <TawnyOwlJones> you did not i don't think, but it doesn't matter because that is what i as a reader understood from reading it
20:39 <TawnyOwlJones> basically you're standing on multiple cliches and they aren't as interesting as you think they are
20:39 <BlueLightningDragon> When I was waiting for you to come online, I was revising it and making changes
20:39 <BlueLightningDragon> some more noticable changes too
20:40 <BlueLightningDragon> I'm making the instances seem more like human souls
20:40 <TawnyOwlJones> okay, i will read again. i will also leave some crit on your concept thread
20:40 <BlueLightningDragon> Ok
20:41 <ClockworkCrow7> I need to get my work greenlighted by someone. http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/clockworkcrow
clockworkcrow - SCP Sandbox III
20:41 <TawnyOwlJones> regardless, the anomaly doesn't really matter here. the narrative is a disjointed combination of cliches that doesn't read well.
20:41 <TawnyOwlJones> ClockworkCrow7: concepts are greenlit, not drafts
20:42 <ClockworkCrow7> Ugh. so how do i show the concepy? the diretions say to post the sandbox link here
20:42 <BlueLightningDragon> Oh
20:43 <TawnyOwlJones> ClockworkCrow7: ideas forum thread http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13282684/required-reading:how-to-use-this-forum-ideas
REQUIRED READING: HOW TO USE THIS FORUM - IDEAS - SCP Foundation
20:43 <TawnyOwlJones> BlueLightningDragon: how many series 6 skips have you read?
20:43 <BlueLightningDragon> also, I don't really know the cliches because I'm new to writing it as well
20:43 <TawnyOwlJones> .s how to write
20:43 <%Secretary_Helen> TawnyOwlJones: How To Write An SCP (Rating: +185. Written 12 years ago By: The Administrator) - http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/how-to-write-an-scp
How To Write An SCP - SCP Foundation
20:44 <BlueLightningDragon> Not many series six
20:44 <BlueLightningDragon> but a good few
20:46 <BlueLightningDragon> I don't have much time to read many skips
20:46 <BlueLightningDragon> But I can read some
20:49 <TawnyOwlJones> the way you learn both the format and how narratives work in skips is by reading. read more recent stuff before you keep drafting. i recommend using the random scp button on the mainsite and also #site19 for that (read things that people plug, and go through people's author pages)
20:49 <TawnyOwlJones> also, don't be afraid to put this idea on the backburner, or even scrap it entirely, and work on something else. sometimes ideas don't work or they don't work the way you want them to. leave it in your sandbox, work on something else, and come back to it in a couple months.
20:49 <BlueLightningDragon> I also had this idea of a virus
20:49 <BlueLightningDragon> But maybe it's the same thing
20:50 <TawnyOwlJones> think about the story, rather than the object itself
20:50 <BlueLightningDragon> It's supposed to be called the glitch pathogen
20:50 <TawnyOwlJones> the object obviously has to feature in the story, and can be the main focus, but the Foundation's reactions and interactions with it are significantly more important

Conprocs in your description

MTF dialogue is both too colloquial and stunted.

Thing-that-makes-you-crazy + thing-that-kills-you = thing-that-makes-you-kill-yourself, apparently? Suicide is a sensitive topic, and you seem to trivialise it.

Containment breaches are largely overdone.

Don't redact, blackbox, or data expunge anything.

Overall, we learn about the things this skip does, but there's no emotional connection to any of the characters. The narrative here is just the discovery, and then containment breach, and then experiment logs to find out what the skip does, and then there's a pocket dimension for some reason? There's no singular well-formed narrative arc here, just a bunch of disjointed things that happen to include your skip. Overwhelmingly, it's not interesting.

+ Gooday

+ DrWoomywood

- Close

Hi! I'm Flight Officer tawnyowljones and I've decided to crit your draft!

Item #: SCP-XXXX
Object Class: Euclid
Disruption Class: Vlam
Risk Class: caution Warning
Location: Site-81

Unless there's a reason to have both this and the ACS, remove one of them. Additionally, the reclassification to Warning from Caution isn't mentioned in the article and is therefore irrelevant. You can totally make it relevant by including it in the article, but right now it's just surplus.

SCP-XXXX During containment by MTF Xi-8 "Spearhunters"

"SCP-XXXX during containment by MTF Xi-8 "Spearhunters"" but also "during containment" is kind of weird wording.

15 by 13 Foot containment chamber

Is there a reason for it to be 15 by 13 foot? The Foundation uses metric, not imperial, units too.

with a sprinkler system installed inside.

"furnished with a sprinkler system" would be better wording, if slightly non-clinical.

Due to the temperatures that SCP-XXXX can produce, the cell materials are to be extremely heat resistant.

Feels non-clinical.

SCP-XXXX appears to be a common raccoon

"SCP-XXXX is a common raccoon". I would also mention the scientific name here (which is Procyon lotor).

with a weight of 21.5 pounds, and a height of 11.2 inches.

Use metric units.

Once a day, SCP-XXXX will be engulfed in fire. The fire is always a perfect sphere, with SCP-XXXX in the center.

Non-clinical.

The sphere is estimated to be 6 feet in diameter.

"2 meters". Also why is it estimated?

The temperature of the aforementioned sphere has shown to vary greatly

"The temperature of the sphere has shown to vary greatly"

2,800 degrees celsius

"2,800 degrees Celsius"

(Level 3+ personnel, view incident SCP-XXXX-1 for more information)

"(See Incident XXXX-1)" and then put the Clearance Level on the collapsible.

response teams are only allowed to interact with SCP-XXXX

"response teams are only permitted to interact with SCP-XXXX"

On 6/11/2020 SCP-XXXX ignited at a temperature higher than anything previously seen during a regular health checkup

Non-clinical.

killing all three personnel in the process

There are four people in the table. "killing three personnel in the process"

melting transition point of 4,500° celsius

"melting transition point of 4,500 degrees Celsius"

risen to an average of 3,950° celsius

"risen to an average of 3,950 degrees Celsius"

Overall, I'm not really feeling it. I like the idea of fire raccoon, and it don't think it's as much of a problem as Phantom implies, but it lacks a story and the part of the narrative that is present isn't particularly interesting.

You kill off three characters at the end but we don't know or care who they are, so it doesn't really matter? Right now, fire raccoon is just "thing that kills you". Follow a character, or group of characters; make us care about them so there can be some sort of emotion elicited upon their deaths. The Current Staff section isn't really relevant either, since we don't ever get introduced to these characters.

Pretty major issues with clinical tone, as above. There's also some inconsistencies across the different parts of the draft, e.g. you say in the Description that the shape of the fire changed at some point, but then you don't follow it through in the addendum like you indicated you would.

Remember that SCP articles are stories; you need characters, and a narrative, and something interesting to happen (whether that's a single plot point or an overall theme). Figure out why you want to tell this anomaly's story specifically, and then think of a story only this anomaly could tell.

That's all from me for now. Good luck!

+ Risora

- Close

Hi! I'm Flight Officer tawnyowljones and I've decided to crit your draft!

SCP-XXXX is to be stored at Site 19 in six secure storage lockers, and its existence is classified to all personnel below level 4 clearance.

"SCP-XXXX is to be stored at Site 19 in six secure storage lockers. Its existence is classified to all personnel, except those with Level 4 clearance or higher."

Site 19

"Site-19" (goes for all instances of the word)

measuring approximately 0.5 meters long and 0.5 meters wide, with a thickness of 1.5 cm.

"measuring 0.5 meters in length, 0.5 meters in width, and 1.5 cm in depth."

designed to be assembled into a box

Perhaps specify here that the box is a cube?

mainline reality would be consumed

"mainline reality is consumed" also I think it's "baseline reality", or "current reality"?

SCP-XXXX would then appear in the mirror reality

"SCP-XXXX will then appear in the mirror reality"

Objects and information to thus be transferred between the baseline and mirror reality by storing them in the assembled box form of SCP-XXXX prior to activation.

This sentence doesn't make sense. I think it's missing some words.

in the year [REDACTED].

If the year isn't important, remove this entirely. If it is, add in the number.

[REDACTED]

What goes there? If you don't know, remove it. It doesn't work as shock value if your reader can't even guess what is under there, and it's not a hook either.

This box is dangerous and repulsive to us

Using long-time nuclear warnings is interesting but it's also slightly cheap? You never fully explain the gravity of the situation which means that this doesn't land as well as it could. It partially comes across as trying to hook readers by using other people's writing. This line was the first thing I noticed about the addendum and I think if would work better if it actually fitted in with the rest of the skip. I'm not sure where the rest of the text is the addendum is from, but if you wrote it then it carries the same if not more weight than the line from the nuclear waste warning messages.

These functions may be activated by [INSTRUCTIONS EXPUNGED BY ORDER OF THE ETHICS COMMITTEE]

Why the Ethics Committee and not the O5?

secure, contain, protect.

"Secure, Contain, Protect."

Overall, it feels somewhat anticlimactic. You never fully explain what the anomaly is. We know the skip initiates YK-Class Scenarios, but not much else. You mention later on that it can be used to warn against K-Class Scenarios but you never explain how or why or show it happening. Maybe we as readers don’t need to know much else, but we do need to be interested in the story.

Conceptually, it’s not bad, but you’ve got a lot going on and not enough words to adequately tell the story. Scale-wise, you're going for something with really big implications but in a short article, and that's really hard. There’s a lot more words than implication; a lot of excess and repetition surrounding the core idea, but not much extrapolation from the core idea of “this is a thing that does X; it’s secret and nobody is allowed to use it”. This happens a lot with short articles, but I really think adding more solid content to this wouldn’t go amiss.

The core idea in itself is interesting, but the execution is pretty flat and disjointed. I think seeing more implication surrounding specifically why nobody is allowed to use it would give it a little more depth. Show something going wrong and have the Foundation learn from it, rather than just eluding to the fact that something could go wrong so they won’t even try. It’s headcanon, but if something beneficial can come out of an anomaly the Foundation will exploit it within ethical and logistical limits. If you don’t want to show it, then explain why the Foundation won’t ever use it in more detail and make sure it connects to the rest of the narrative.

Additionally, putting a little more weight and focus on why the contents of the box is important would be very good. Currently you just have a list of things that are in the box and I haven’t read the skips you list and I’m not compelled to. Relying heavily on crosslinks isn’t good, especially when you don’t explain what they mean for/add to your article; they’re just name drops.

When I say the narrative is disjointed, I mean that you have a bunch of different information about your skip but none of it is adequately connected to the other parts. Including implications and the Foundation’s reactions to the skip throughout can help make everything coherent.

That's all from me for now. Good luck!

+ Azmoeth Jikandia

- Close

Hi! I'm Flight Officer tawnyowljones and I've decided to crit your draft!

Research Team-XXXX

I feel like "Research Team XXXX" would work better.

active rather than passive containment will be pursued.

"active containment will be pursued."

SCP-XXXX is a question-answering online webpage that specializes in the circulation of anomalous content.

I don't think "question-answering" is necessary here because it's implied later on.

due to the prevalence of serpantile and arboraceous iconography

Is it not "serpentine"?

Though never directly alluding to them,

Feels non-clinical. Could be removed entirely but I feel like the information is important. Maybe needs rephrasing.

prevalent within Serpent’s Hand ideology including a general anti-containment sentiment.

"prevalent within Serpent’s Hand ideology, including a general anti-containment sentiment."

answered by an unknown persona

"person"? "entity" might work better.

Though much of the posted answers usually contain general questions about abnormal incidences rather than specific inquiries into anomalous mechanisms and minutiae.

This sentence is unfinished.

review the previously answered questions.

As in they can review questions from other people?

Permanent solutions de-coupling solutions

Repeated word?

and no one to tell this to you because many have called me crazy

"and no one to tell this to but you because many have called me crazy"

But weirdly when I turn the light back on

No prior allusion to the lights being off. Unless you mean non-physical light?

the changes on her body disappear

Bodily changes aren't really implied in the previous paragraph. Maybe reword this part?

I also want them to keep me in that place forever.

Missing negative? i.e.: "I also don't want them to keep me in that place forever."

Peasants in feudal europe

"Peasants in feudal Europe"

Bold the commas in your titles. i.e.: "Description:" rather than "Description:".

I like this, but I don't have much knowledge of the Serpent's Hand so I think a lot of it went over my head.

The actual premise is interesting, that is, having a q+a website about SCPs; I think there’s real potential there, and the format is wonderful. However, it doesn't really lead to much narratively. The beginning is strong, but it sort of tapers off towards the end. Please correct me if I'm wrong but I took the overall idea to be that the Serpent's Hand are showing random people (or established characters perhaps???) the existence of anomalies and anomalous phenomenon, and also attempting to recruit them at times. The bigger implication is that the Foundation having access to this website and the answered questions means that they know what the Serpent's Hand are doing.

I'm mostly confused by the last q+a section; it only really implies two things:

1) That the Foundation is Bad (TM);
2) That the Serpent's Hand oppose the Foundation and vice versa

and it doesn't really land properly? Because even with my limited knowledge of GoIs, I already know both of those things. The actual words are good but I feel like the intention doesn't work.

Referring back to what I said previously about the Foundation knowing about the Serpent's Hand's activity, so what? What happens now that they have access to this skip? What do they do with the information and/or what do they intend to do with the information?

I don't know; I'm torn here and I definitely feel like I'm missing something, but I also think it would benefit from having some Foundation narrator input about the q+a sections specifically.

That's all from me for now. Good luck!

SCP Sandbox III

Sandbox III: Revenge of the Sandbox