Per 
Item #: SCP-2323-J
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-2323-J must be kept in a sealed, evacuated container measuring at most 0.5m x 0.5m x 0.5m. No personnel of Scottish or English descent may enter its chamber. SCP-2323-J may only be removed from its container when testing is underway. It is to be guarded at all times by two guards not of Scottish descent armed with flamethrowers outside of its chamber.
Description: SCP-2323-J is a set of Scottish bagpipes with a covering in the tartan pattern of Clan Wallace. Its bag is composed of sheepskin and its pipes are composed of sheep bones. Testing has tentatively confirmed that these are from the same animal. The covering, while seemingly made of wool, is surprisingly durable and will not rip or tear. Material from SCP-2323-J does not break down naturally.
All persons of Scottish descent who see SCP-2323-J will be attracted to it, expressing a desire to play it.
When played, SCP-2323-J will always play Scotland the Brave, regardless of how the valves are pressed. The sound produced by it is noticeably louder than normal bagpipes. Upon completion of the third verse, SCP-2323-1-J, a man bearing a significant resemblance to Sir William Wallace will appear. SCP-2323-1-J speaks with a very loud voice in a heavy Scottish accent and holds very nationalistic beliefs. It will always attack humans of English descent while screaming in Scots Gaelic. It always appears in possession of SCP-2323-2-J, a Scottish claymore sword. SCP-2323-2-J is extremely durable, and is capable of [DATA EXPUNGED].
SCP-2323-1-J will not attack unless it senses a person of English descent nearby or if it is provoked. It is capable of swinging SCP-2323-2-J at speeds of up to [REDACTED]. Otherwise, SCP-2323-1-J is very friendly and cordial towards Foundation staff, especially towards the person who played SCP-2323-J last. After 1 hour, SCP-2323-1-J and SCP-2323-2-J will disappear.
Memo from [REDACTED]: “Ah’d like tae ‘ave a drink with ye lads sometime. P’raps wae can come to an agraement ov’r thae Uni’ed Kin’dom existin’.”
Memo from O5-██: “Who put that memo there and how did they do it? Find them at all costs and administer amnesiacs terminate ASAP.”
