SCP-XXXX at the time of recovery.
Item #: SCP-XXXX
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXXX is to be contained in Site 19’s break room in a padlocked metal box. Any and all personnel wishing to partake of SCP-XXXX must fill out the appropriate forms as well as provide the necessary approved material for SCP-XXXX’s anomalous effects. Upon doing so, those wishing to partake of SCP-XXXX must do so in full view of the break room’s on-site security personnel. Any attempts to activate SCP-XXXX’s effects with undocumented or illegal material will be met with decommissioning at best, termination at worst.
Description: SCP-XXXX is an ice cream stick made of splinter-free grade-A birch wood, measuring 114mm x 10mm x 2mm. SCP-XXXX is unable to be broken, chipped, splintered, or otherwise damaged.
SCP’s anomalous effects activate when held by a human. After a period of roughly 10 seconds (2 minutes being the highest recorded time), a set-up line to a joke will appear on the base of SCP-XXXX. The set-up varies from person to person and is never the same one twice, but is usually related to the holder of SCP-XXXX in some way, much like an in-joke.
When the opposite end of SCP-XXXX is placed against any matter, SCP-XXXX will phase into it seamlessly. SCP-XXXX can be pressed into the material up until about halfway down it, at which point it will stop and go no further. SCP-XXXX is capable of phasing into material far exceeding the dimensions of it. Upon withdrawal from the material, SCP-XXXX will have formed an ice cream bar of the material, designated SCP-XXXX-1.
The shape, color, and other features vary, but all are made of whichever material SCP-XXXX was pressed into at the time. Of note is SCP-XXXX-1 will always have a temperature of about -14.4 degrees Celsius regardless of the temperature of the material, ideal ice cream serving range. Material affected by SCP-XXXX exhibits no anomalous effects.
SCP-XXXX-1 is edible to humans, and regardless of the material made and ingested, consumption shows no adverse effects, even with material such as plutonium or lava. Upon consumption of the bar portion, the punchline to the set up on the base of SCP-XXXX will be revealed on the other end. Reactions to the punchline also vary, but like the set up, tend to relate to the person eating SCP-XXXX-1. See below for experiment logs.
Material: One (1) square of Ghirardelli Intense Dark Chocolate (72% cacao) Twilight Delight
Subject: D-Class 476
Set-Up Line: What has four wheels and flies?
SCP-XXXX-1: Bar; gluten-free, Kosher dairy. Nearly black in coloration.
Punchline: Something with four wheels and flies.
Notes: D-Class 476 admitted to having a dry, straightforward sense of humor, likely explaining the bluntness of the punchline. No adverse effects recorded. D-Class consumes entire bar, commenting that it tasted delicious, but extremely bitter.
Material: One (1) 0.90kg block of iron
Subject: D-Class 444
Set-Up Line: Why is 9 scarier than 7?
SCP-XXXX-1: Bar; dull grey in color, matching the color of the iron block. Notably light, despite the material’s density.
Punchline: Because 9 eats 3 square meals a day
Notes: Subject reported the bar to have a metallic taste.
SCP-XXXX. On my way to steal your girl. Personnel will disregard the previous statement.
Item #: SCP-XXXX
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: At the time of writing, there is no method of containing SCP-XXXX. It is impervious to any and all forms of harm, including blunt force trauma, burning, gunfire, attack with bladed weapons, etc. What can I say? Can't keep a good Funnyman down. Personnel will disregard the previous statement.
Any form of capture is also impossible; SCP-XXXX is able to escape any attempt or form of restraint or detainment. In the event of SCP-XXXX being noticed in populated areas, Mobile Task Force Beta-9 ("No Fun Allowed") is to be immediately dispatched with Class-A amnestics. DiSrEgArD tHe PrEvIoUs StAtEmEnT. Personnel will disregard the disregarding of the previous statement.
Description: SCP-XXXX is a chill dude with attitude an anomalous humanoid entity resembling a standard department store mannequin, albeit slimmer in build in comparison to normal, and with elongated limbs. At its full height, SCP-XXXX is approximately 2.4m tall. Though SCP-XXXX refers to itself as "Funnyman", it is completely featureless and genderless, possessing no distinctive facial features. SCP-XXXX is able to vocalize despite the absence of a mouth or vocal chords, and move despite having seemingly no possible method of doing so. SCP-XXXX is also just the funniest skip you'll ever meet and deserves all the applause, goddammit, will you stop that, make me, oh right, you can't, dammit, SCP-XXXX I will send the task force, come at me, bro, I'm jacked.
SCP-XXXX is a reality-warping SCP. There seems to be no upward limit to SCP-XXXX's abilities; it can phase through solid matter, reshape itself into any form, consume or expunge any matter, move at impossible speeds (has been clocked at being able to move at 4939.2km/hr), can punch through solid steel and bedrock, lift several hundred thousand times its (presumed) weight. SCP-XXXX also has a degree of telepathic abilities, able to read the minds of anyone in an approximately 400m radius. SCP-XXXX is also capable of perfect mimicry. At the time of writing, it seems that SCP-XXXX is capable of doing anything it wants to do, manifesting new abilities should the situation demand it.
However, SCP-XXXX is only able to use its abilities in the service of comedy. That is to say, to do something funny. SCP-XXXX has been observed to do things such as:
- create pies from nothingness and hurl them with pinpoint accuracy and the strength to breach steel doors, though not injure its intended target, at distances exceeding 400 kilometers
- pull hammers from seemingly nowhere on its person to strike (although victims will report nothing more than a mild headache and a large, ovoid bump on the head that disappears within a few minutes)
- appear undetectable visually when "hiding" behind something that cannot possibly shield it conventionally
- appear from nowhere
- replicate itself
- produce firearms larger than those brandished at it
- induce mind control
- edit text from long distances when it should have no feasible or even remotely possible way of doing so
Despite the potential danger of SCP-XXXX, it is ultimately harmless, and can be tracked. During an incident involving SCP-XXXX, a rookie MTF agent tripped and faceplanted (injuries sustained were minimal), accidentally firing a tracking dart into SCP-XXXX's left forearm. While accidental, the benefits have been enormous, allowing the Foundation to keep a constant lock on SCP-XXXX's location at all times, ya damn voyeurs SCP-XXX, so help me, hey I couldn't do it unless it was hilarious, so who's fault is that.
SCP-XXXX's abilities, as stated above, are only able to be used in the avenue of comedy, though what this means is different for everybody. It is likely able to figure out what said avenue is via its telepathy you are correct, sir! GODDAMMIT.
On 05/██/20██, SCP-XXXX was found at Site ██, within its initial containment cell. Personnel was dispatched, but SCP-XXXX declared it merely wished to talk, specifically with my favorite Foundation flunky I swear to god. Agent ████████ was brought in (reluctantly) to conduct the interview.
Interviewed: SCP-XXXX
Interviewer: Agent ████████
Foreword: SCP-XXXX was interviewed on the nature of itself, its abilities, and what it really really really wanted, zigzag AH.
<Begin Log>
Agent ████████: This is Agent ████████, beginning the interview of SCP-XXXX.
SCP-XXXX: Funnyman.
Agent ████████: Pardon?
[sound of a lighter being clicked]
SCP-XXXX: That's "Funnyman" to you, bub.
Agent ████████: SCP-XXXX has produced a lighter and a cigar, as well as a fedora. The fedora is charcoal-grey in color and—
SCP-XXXX: Agent ████████, come now, just how long are you going to avoid the elephant in the room?
Agent ████████: What are you t-
[trumpeting is heard]
Agent ████████: Jesus fucking Christ! That's a…that's an elephant!
SCP-XXXX: Why is there an elephant in here!?
SCP-XXXX: Well, a T-rex wouldn't have fit!
Agent ████████: Get rid of it!
[Elephant trumpets in what can be described as a melancholy tone.]]
SCP-XXXX: Aw, look, you've hurt her feelings. Alright, go on, Jumbo, guess you gotta go. Go on, get!
[heavy footfalls are heard as the elephant, designated Jumbo, moves]
Agent ████████: Fine, herself. By squeezing herself through the door. Jumbo appears to be suffering no ill effects from doing so.
SCP-XXXX: So. You had some questions for me.
Agent ████████: Yes. And I would appreciate honest and truthful answers.
SCP-XXXX: I'm sure you would. As for whether or not you'll get them, let's see!
Agent ████████:
<End Log, [optional time info]>
Closing Statement: [Small summary and passage on what transpired afterward]
Per 
