Thomas Dman

20. October 263 F.H. III. (17:30 ÖMT), Vienna, Austria, HRE:

Archduke and Grand Emperor Felix III Habsburg took a draw from Cuban cigar Mobile Eingreiftruppe-00 (MET-00) acquired for him in one of those off-world explorations. It didn’t matter if the origin of this item was extraterrestrial, extradimensional or anomalous - he was the Emperor after all and he deserved some leisure after a hard day’s work.

The Prince Electors of the HRE were quarrelsome (they always are).
The representatives of the Breton Commonwealth were quite humble, because they need aid against the Irish onslaught (they always are).
The southern Austrian diplomats were extremely friendly and assured us that they have no intent to eradicate our dynasty. This might be some ancient rite established in the 20th century and some crazy conspiracy theorists will always hypothesise what would have happened if there was a “Great War” (they always do).

As Felix took another draw from this otherworldly tobacco-based product he looked out of the window of his residence of Schönbrunn Palast. His grandgrandgrandgrand children were playing in the courtyard and his grandgrandgrand daughter had decorated the Gloriette with her colourful artworks.

It had been two centuries since the SCP discovered Panacea and another century since these clever guys managed to synthesize it. It was quite a feat to keep this achievement hidden from mankind, so Felix decided to appoint the most skilled researchers, spymasters and administrators to this primary council. The inauguration of this council took place on October 5th and so the designation O5 was coined.

The SCP and the O5 performed well for the wellbeing of the HRE.
It was a wise decision to let them thrive. They even rescued Earl Scrantron from an abhorrent para-reality filled with nothing but flesh and eyes and red light. And they might have even redirected an evil sun to another solar system to wreak havoc. Furthermore, Austrian bureaucrats are matched by none, so there might have been some beneficial deal with some evil entity – but an Emperor mustn’t be troubled by such petty things.

Felix was about to take another draw from the cigar he held in his hand, just to realise that the cigar wasn’t there anymore. The cigar was extinguished long ago.
Even though his thorough regime of Panacea for the last centuries he could feel his brain was starting to fail.
He might live for some centuries to come, but with his clouded mind there was no doubt that he had to pass the Golden Crown on to his heirs. This was no bad fate, everything played out well for him, his dynasty, his country, mankind even. There hasn’t been a war in centuries and no major catastrophe (maybe those SCP personnel are really doing their job).

As Felix was thinking about how he might orchestrate his funeral in a few centuries and inaugurate his heir in some decades, there was a knock on the door.
He held his Imperial Sceptre in a majestic pose to open the door. Those antique rituals were impressive when they were established, but now they only seem dated – maybe it did only seem to him because he just felt so old.

Felix activated his voice modulator and commanded in the deepest available voice that didn’t seem too ridiculous: “ENTER THE EMPORER’S CHAMBERS”.
Of course, this was not necessary, but he had an image to maintain.
He was the Emperor after all and could not be caught absent minded snuffing out a cigar that was long gone.

To his relief it was just one of his pretorian guard soldiers. And his favourite as well.
With a flick of his wrist he dismissed the electronic (or maybe thaumaturgic) voice modulator and greeted the soldier with his normal voice:
“Kresimira Schmied, my favourite southern Austrian Grand Captain! Welcome to Schönbrunn, take a seat! Would you like some tea? I have got some excellent herbs from MET-01, they always get the extra…”
The girl remained silent and took a seat next to the Emperor.
Felix was sure that his mind was not clouded by the cigar he smoked (did he smoke it after all?), but he was deeply unsettled by the fact that one of his MET-00 pretorian guards was acting so strange.

“What’s wrong Grand Captain? Are you feeling under the weather? Don’t worry, I feel it too. Here take these.” Felix III. said and handed Kresimira two rosé coloured pills.
“Don’t worry, it won’t melt your head off – just some Panacea to take the edge off.”, he added.
Kresimira didn’t say a word and swallowed the pills.
“My… my, there might have gone something wrong. Please tell me.”, Felix said with a worried look in his face. Although he was using Panacea for centuries and no one could tell his age, the winkles on his temples would still show when he was worried.
The Imperial Throne Room was silent for another minute.
“Does this line of work tire you? I guess after centuries of off-world explorations in potatoes or mirrors you might have seen everything. Do you wish to retire? Or do you seek aristocracy, wealth, fame? You have served the HRE very well, I will grant you every wish.”, Felix continued.
“Gracious Emperor of Habsburg, I beg of thee…”, the girl began to speak.
Felix put his hand on hers and stopped her: “DON’T talk to me like that. I know I’m your superior in the terms of the aristrocracy, but I would haven’t seen this this day without your Yellow Right Hand explorations, that found exotic goods like Panacea, Tea, some abominations and of course cigars.
And after all that sweet talk – the main point is, that you and I would have been dead centuries ago.
So I guess I owe you my life, Grand Captain.”

He looked out of the window. “I have many daughters and you are not of my flesh. But you made me proud. Mankind owes you.”
For the first time ever, she dared to look him in the eyes and screamed: “I am dead and not yet dead. I am suffering endlessly. There is a hole in the ground and this hole leads to another world where I am condemned to eternal torment.”
Her eyes were wide and expressed feral panic.
Triggered by the ruckus, the rest of the Emperor’s pretorian guard rushed into the Throne room but Felix just waved them off with a flick of the wrist.
The soldiers in exocarpaces armed with the finest weapons the HRE had to offer left the room as swiftly as they entered it. They didn’t even say a word.

For a second Felix thought of calling the royal physician Doktor Freud – maybe she was just suffering from a mental breakdown or some sort of burn-out. She could use a holiday, maybe a week in that blissful dimension the World-Hopper discovered some months ago. Of some hours with that fluffy, playful monster in the spa would lighten her mood. But through the clouds in his mind the look in her eyes told him, that this was something serious – and real.

“Null-Null Alpha, … Mira…”, Felix continued in his usual calm voice “As I said, you served not only me but mankind in so many ways and risked your life so many times. You shall have your will, whatever it is and whatever it might cost.”


22. October 263 F.H. III. (10:03 ÖMT), Antarctica, HRE:

Project: Schmiedehammer
Location: Southern Austria , Antarctica, HRE. Provisional Site-135 was errected in two days just for the purpose of this mission and further containment/concealment of the so far unknown anomalous sinkhole.
Test subject: Operative: Grand Captain Kresimira Schmied acting commander of his majesty’s Mobile Eingreiftruppe-00 Yellow Right Hand (referred to as MET-00-Alpha in further documentations).
Experimenter: Grand Captain Kresimira Schmied (see above)
Aiding personnel: MET-01 (Austrian Grenzers) will provide support and a communications relay if needed; Weltraumschlachtschiff SMS Tegetthoff is positioned in orbit above the site and ordered to stand down for now
Project purpose: MET-00-A is to explore an endless sinkhole in Antartica. This sinkhole may lead to an off-world or extradimensional location. [ZENSIERT by decree of the Emperor]

Test subject equiment: Operative equipment:

  • PKA4+ (Persönlicher Kampfanzug, Level 4+ exocarpace, pretorian quality model) including automated defence mechanisms, basic AI, ABC-survival system, military-grade SRA, automated medical and diagnosis system, Dalí class adaptive visor, Heisenberg quantum entanglement communications and emergency recall system
  • 1 Steyr-Mannlicher STG240 high-yield kinetic sidearm with 10^9 shots loaded
  • 1 spare magazine for the STG240 sidearm
  • 1 Austrian Gendarmerieschwert standard issue monofilament sword
  • 3 XK Type Green reality annihilation grenades

MET-01-A: “You are live and ready to go MET-00-A. Check SRA, check weapon systems, check reactive impact amour, check Dalí cognito glasses, check Panacea medical systems.”
MET-00-A: “All systems nominal.”

PKA4+: All systems nominal. Have a nice day.

MET-01-A: “Begin descent, good luck Mira.”

PKA4+: Camera feed unavailable. Would you like to run diagnosis? (Y/N) I am sorry.

MET-01-A: “00-A, be advised. We’ve lost visual. Please state anything of notice verbally for the logs.”

MET-00-A: “ Copy. Descending at 4 meters per second, the surrounding walls are made of insect carpaces … strange.”
MET-01-A: “Noted, commence descent.”

PKA4+: Wireless Connection lost. Switching to Heisenberg Quantum Channel. Bandwidth limited to 10 kB/s. Shannon-Nyquist-Compression active.

MET-01-A: "We might have a memetic or cognitohazard at hand. Careful."

26 seconds of silence

MET-00-A: “Get off me!!!!”
MET-01-A: “Null-Null Alpha, come again?”
MET-00-A: “There’s bugs all over me!”
MET-01-A: “Copy. Fire at will. Refrain from using Type Green annihilation devices if possible.”
MET-01-A: *off mic* “Tech, get me a Immanuel readout of MET-00-A’s suit.”

PKA4+: Immanuel value is 0 Kant at this location. Have a nice day.

105 seconds of silence

MET-01-A: “Null-Null Alpha, what is your status? We will use a quantum entanglement device to recall you, if you don’t answer in 40 seconds. The Emperor wills it!”

The videofeed and all reports seem to have a gap of some minutes or maybe hours at this point.
MET-00-1 PKA4+ displayed timestamps consisting of complex numbers after this point. All personnel reported retroactive amnesia and showed an inability to understand the concept and/or idea of bugs/insects beyond this point.

MET-00-A: “I reached the bottom of the hole – it doesn’t look like underground here. It’s just a pool of flesh coloured slurry.”
MET-01-A: “Null-Null Alpha, be advised, we have got the SMS Tegetthoff positioned in Orbit over the sinkhole. Please keep the jokes to a minimum. I know that you are one of the Emperor’s favorites, but that will net save you from a weaponized SRA to the face.”
MET-00-A: “That’s no joke it’s just a pool of flesh. And I don’t think that the big guns will cause any damage here. This is an extradimensional location. I’m wading through an endless dimension of flesh. Wait… hold on, there is a candy wrapper here… this is not a dimension of flesh, I’m just stuck deep underground in an extradimensional garbage dump. And I thought that feces stew dimension was nasty – but that was a century ago and I didn’t have such an awesome suit… AH!”
MET-01-A: “Null-Null Alpha, come again?”

56i seconds of silence.

MET-00-A: “I found myself.”
MET-01-A: “Null-Null Alpha, come again?”
MET-00-A: “I said I FOUND MYSELF, mission’s over, pull the tether.”
MET-01-A: “Null-Null Alpha, please clarify, what do you mean by tether?
I am not familiar with this term.”

10i seconds of silence

MET-01-A: “PKA4+, full report."

PKA4+: PKA OS V9.04.44 rebooting. Stand by. Reboot will be complete in -954 112 years. Have a nice day.

-3i seconds of silence

MET-00-A: “There was a man and an elevator, and it was going down. And now it’s just dark. It has been dark for so long. It’s dark and it hurts, where am I?”

PKA4+: {ZENSIERT as possible cogintohazard}

Reality overlapping detected by Site-135 Immanuel counters.
Local SRA output increased by 5 % to compensate.
Local fusion generator on standby for further increases.

MET-00-A: “Please take me home, it’s so dark in here.”

PKA4+: Operative is in danger. Thershold 3i exceeded.

MET-01-A: *off-mic* “Eric, hit the Quantum Recall Switch – NOW!”

MET-00-A materializes instantaneous in basecamp with a piece of flesh in hands and psychologically traumatized but bodily unharmed. Full PKA4+ feed was instantaneously re-established.

PKA4+ report: Compiling after action report
Mission duration: 1785i seconds {Error; x is complex}
Average weapon efficiency: N/A
Mission start personnel: One (1) MET-00-A
Mission end personnel: Two (2) MET-00-A
Casualities: -1 {Error; Buffer overflow underflow value – sending automated report to Mr. Rosen}
Survial rate: 200 % Congratulations, you have set a new highscore for all MET explorations!
Personnel incapacitated: 2 out of 1 {Error; status unknown} I am so sorry.

MET-01-A: “Medics, take care of her. And I mean the best care. Don’t spare any expenses.”

*off-mic muttering*

MET-01-A: “I don’t care if you have to administer her Panacea IV and I don’t care how much that costs and the next person that asks something like this is launched into the sun by the Emperor himself.”

MET-01-A: “Let’s have a look what we have got here. Oh that looks … hm, human DNA, Barr bodies, and … interesting….”

*off-mic* “Eric, get us that one guy from Alexa-Laboratories here, we need a female humanoid android for that brain. Have it all delivered to the lab in Salzburg for further analysis and containment.”

MET-01-B: “Captain, you might need to see this. The Immanuel Counter is displaying complex values. Our SRAs are yielding power instead of consuming it. I think there is something wrong.”

Debriefing Pending

22. October 263 F.H. III. (12:00 ÖMT), Vienna, HRE:

Archduke and Grand Emperor Felix III Habsburg took a draw from Cuban cigar Mobile Eingreiftruppe-00 (MET-00) acquired for him. He overlooked the gardens with a solemn peace of mind of a creature that has lived for centuries.

And suddenly the clouds lifted and he could see clearly.
It seemed as if his brain was bit by bit put together.
Something had changed, something had entered this wold of peace and tranquillity.
Null-Null-Alpha has brought something along.

“Poor Mira, I hope she is alright”, blinked in Felix’s mind.

Something… somewhat wonderful.
And something abhorrent.
Something more benign and evil than death.

Felix tapped his voicecom earpiece: “Get me the O5 Council, this Doktor Scrantron, Graf Heisenberg, this nerdy Alexa-Laboratories CEO, that weird top hat wearing undying merchant from London and the goddamn Library on the line – right now! Forget it, get everyone here!”

The Imperial Telefax system started printing out reports in the background.

Sender Message
Schwechat Imperial starship ground control SMS Tegetthoff, do you read, this is Schwechat ground control. Code yellow. Repeat, Code yellow. Target: Provisional Site-135. Weapons free on all weaponized SRA, fire at will.
Hofburg Imperial war council Deploy all available warships to Provisional Site-135. Recall all off-world and all extra-dimensional Forces to base.
Alexa-Laboratories Thank you for your purchase of a Class 4+ female Android (empty brain slot model, with interface). As per our current agreement the costs (2.000 Schilling) will be deducted from our debt (993.410 Schilling) to the Imperial treasury. Feel free to request further assistance (free of charge).
O5-3 The Imperial overwatch system detects a major reality breach, my lord.

Felix stammered in a voice not suit for an Emperor: “And reinstate the Privilegium Maius. Triple… quadruple the Panacea production, we might have an extended problem at hand…”

He took a deep breath and slumped down on the Imperial throne.

The Imperial Telefax system continued to spit out communiqués in the background.

Sender Message
O5-11 My Lord, excuse my insolence, but there might be something we might need to discuss.
SMS Tegetthoff XO Class 5+ annihilation weapons away. Launching all fusion warheads.
Elisabeth Marshall of MCD Gesellschaft mit beschränkter Haftung What an honour to be called the undying merchant of London again. We are ready for business.
Doktor Robert Scrantron I told you my anchors were not meant to be weapons. Please leave me alone.
Imperial guard *relayed via Guard Command* Command, we just shot a red sea intruder with a anti-memetic 3 gun. It is pulverised but the remains are still crawling towards us. Requesting Level 3+ or 4 weapons. *Imperial clearance requested*
Lord Plantagenet of the Breton Commonwealth My lord, we are in dire need of your assistance. The dead have risen and we cannot… communication error
O5-02 My Lord, there might have been a reality fracture. The anchors are not working. We have lost sites {cognitohazard removed} to {cognitohazard removed}. Requesting backup immediately, SCP HQ at Goldhaube is being overrun… communication error

Felix did not pay attention to the endless clicking of the Telefax.
He opened the Bible next to the Imperial Throne.

He flipped it open to a random page and read:
"Ich bin das Alpha und das Omega, der Erste und der Letzte, der Anfang und das Ende."