Twozerosix

[static]

Agent J: [unintelligible] … -amn piece of shit recorder refuses to …

████: Sir, the green light is …

Agent J: … cooperate. Ah, yes, finally. You’re right. Seems I got it up and running again. ‘Bout time.

████: I think the cable might simply be…

Agent J: Yeah, yeah, yeah. The whole thing’s crummy. It barely worked when it was new, twenty years ago. Like half the shit they hand us.

[Agent J sighs deeply]

Agent J: Now, were were we? Ah, of course, could you begin by stating your name and occupation for the record, please?

████: Of course, sir. My name is ██ ███ and I own and operate an antique store in downtown ████. It’s called ██████████. Yeah, lousy name for an antique store, I know. But I didn’t name it, it was my sister wh- …

Agent J: And why did you contact the media? Could you please recap the incident for me?

████: The umbrella thing? Sure, sure. Well, ehm… It happened two weeks ago, during the storm. Wednesday. Or was it Tuesday? Anyway, this young man comes through the door, completely soaked from top to toe. Wanted to buy and umbrella, he did. For the rain, obviously. 'Though God knows it was too late for him, it’s not like he could get any wetter! Still, I sold him one, from my inventory. A damn good price I gave him, too. And then he steps out the door, unfolds the umbrella, and BAM! Bone-dry!

Agent J: Bone-dry? What was bone-dry?

████: Him! His clothes! His everything! Just like that, not a single drop of water on him! I swear, saw it all through the window. I think it spooked him a little, to be honest. He immediately came back with it, you see – tried to return it. I refused, of course. We have a strict “no refund” policy. ‘Though I did lend him a glass of water. His tongue was so dry he could barely speak, poor fellow. Anyway, felt it curious enough that I contacted the local newspapers. Figured maybe one of your clever science people could explain what happened. I have my own theory involving static electricity, if you’d wa- …

Agent J: This umbrella you sold him, could you describe it?

████: Not much to say about it, really. Just a regular umbrella. Moss green.

Agent J: And the handle?

████: Dark. Black. Looked like ebony, but it was probably fake. Imitation. I would have charged him ten times what he paid me if I thought it was real blackwood, I’ll tell you that much.

Agent J: Hm… Do you have any information about the buyer? Name? Credit card? I’d like to interview him.

████: No, no information at all. Sorry. Never seen’m before. Paid in cash.

Agent J: How about the seller? Do you remember who sold you the umbrella?

████: The seller? Yes, definitely! Good ol’ ███. She’s a repeat customer of mine. Half the stuff she sells me is junk, but the other half are real treasures. Here, I’ll write down her address for you.

[scribbling can be heard in the background]

████: Now, which newspaper did you say you were from, again? If you don’t min- …

[end of tape]