Uncle Nicolini

Mr. President by Dr. Wondertainment

Official Presidential portrait of SCP-XXXX.

Item #: SCP-XXXX

Object Class: Keter

Special Containment Procedures: TBW

Description: SCP-XXXX is the 13th President of the United States, Millard Fillmore.

As far as the Foundation can determine, no person by the name of 'Millard Fillmore' existed prior to July 9th, 1850 whereupon SCP-XXXX manifested and became President of the United States, then demanifested on March 4th, 1853. No documents regarding anything but SCP-XXXX exist from within this time period.

Despite the missing time, it was found that most individuals; Foundation personnel and civilians alike possessed similar knowledge of the events of the preceding 3 years. Below is a list of information on SCP-XXXX accumulated by the Foundation.

• SCP-XXXX attended law school and served in the New York militia.
• SCP-XXXX became a House Representative for New York's 32nd District and served from 1833-1843.
• SCP-XXXX became the Comptroller of New York and served from 1848-1849.
• SCP-XXXX became Zachary Taylor's running mate in the 1848 election.¹
• SCP-XXXX became President of the United States following the death of Zachary Taylor in 1850.
• SCP-XXXX agreed to the Compromise of 1850.
• SCP-XXXX ordered Commodore Perry to open Japan for trade with the United States.
• SCP-XXXX attempted to be re-elected in 1852, but was defeated by Franklin Pierce.

Due to SCP-XXXX's high-profile position and widespread global effects, erasure of SCP-XXXX from the public consciousness was deemed impossible. Adjusting for inflation, the use of global Class B Amnestics, destruction of related documents, monuments, and overall altering of history would cost $2.8 trillion. In an attempt to keep the public from questioning the sudden disappearance of SCP-XXXX, the Foundation proposed a subject may pose as a substitute. Dr. Tenenbaum proposed to seek look-alikes to repurpose utilizing experimental amnestics, but the proposition was vetoed by the Ethics Committee.

Dr. Wondertainment, a Person/Group of Interest approached the Foundation with an offer to create a 'homunculus' to imitate SCP-XXXX. The offer was deliberated on by the O-5 Council, ultimately reaching a 7-6 vote in favor of working with Dr. Wondertainment. Following the signing of a provided contract, SCP-XXXX-β was delivered to Site-19. Information on the entity is available in the attached document below.

In modern times, SCP-XXXX is rarely mentioned by civilians and is largely forgotten. Political analysts believe the entity to have been unqualified for leadership and disastrous for the political climate of the United States, leading to the dissipation of the Whig Party (creating the modern American two-party system) and a rapid escalation in tensions between the North and South, and ultimately; the American Civil War.

View SCP-XXXX-β File [INPUT LEVEL 2 SECURITY CLEARANCE] 

SCP-XXXX.

Item #: SCP-XXXX-β

Object Class: Neutralized (Formerly Keter)

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXXX

Description: SCP-XXXX-β is a male humanoid, 1.81m in height, which is biologically non-anomalous and physically identical to SCP-XXXX. The entity was created as a combined effort by the Foundation and Dr. Wondertainment to keep knowledge of SCP-XXXX's anomalous nature from becoming public. The Details of the agreement with Dr. Wondertainment are available in Addendum XXXX-β-1.

SCP-XXXX-β possesses knowledge typical of a subject serving public office but is incapable of taking a stance or making decisions without authorization from its handlers. The entity is fully versed in previous decisions made by SCP-XXXX as well as its perceived history.

A tattoo reading "Mr. President, the premiere little mister by Dr. Wondertainment" appears on the bottom of its right foot.

SCP-XXXX-β was found deceased in its containment area on March 8th. 1874.

Addendum: XXXX-β-1- LEVEL-5 SECURITY CLEARANCE REQUIRED

To whom it may concern,

I'm glad to know that I am not the only one to have found something strange in our dear former president, but I did not expect it to affect you lot! Look at you, trying to make your own little misters; it's a shame they haven't worked out.

But what about this, my friends; Let's work together!

I've had a toy line in mind for quite some time, but never really had anyone to test it on… But you are among my greatest collectors, and I am honored to offer you a custom-made, one of a kind, never before seen, never will be seen again, honorary, celebratory, inauguratory, little mister!

That's right; you will be the very first to own a little mister! But don't get too comfortable, as soon there will be more to collect! Collect them all and become Mr. Collector!

Just sign below to accept this limited time offer for Mr. President!

x___

Eternally yours;

A Hired Gun

SCP-XXXX in its resting position.

Item #: SCP-XXXX

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXXX is to be kept in a sealed locker in Site-08's Secure Item Storage. Access to the object is limited to Class-4 Personnel and above.

Further testing with SCP-XXXX has been discontinued.

Description: SCP-XXXX is a customized bolt-action, single-shot M28-76 rifle with the phrase "Money Talks" engraved on the right side of the muzzle and a modified wooden stock. Attempts to utilize SCP-XXXX as a non-anomalous weapon will result in failure. The stock has a small compartment which opens from the outside, measuring about 2 cm in depth and 3 cm across. Opening the compartment and placing currency² within it will trigger SCP-XXXX's active state.

Upon entering its active state SCP-XXXX will release its bolt, presumably to indicate it is listening. If it is not issued a command in English within one minute of activation, the object will expel currency placed in its compartment and resume its dormant state. When issued a command but not paid appropriately, SCP-XXXX will open and shut compartment in order to draw attention to it. It is currently unknown what happens to currency given to SCP-XXXX, as it always returns with its compartment empty. The object will only respond to USD,

Once orders have been given and SCP-XXXX has been paid, it will lock its bolt into place and animate to perform its task.

Though capable of slowly levitating SCP-XXXX will teleport to its target if it is further than 2m away. The range of its teleportation ability is currently unknown. When the object has carried out its orders it will return to the subject which paid it before re-entering its dormant state.

Addendum 1: A list of several experiments conducted utilizing SCP-XXXX.

+ SCP-XXXX Testing Records

Command: Neutralize D-1221.
Amount Paid: $900
Results:SCP-XXXX manifested behind D-1221 and fired once at the subject's cranium from point-blank range before reappearing in its original position. D-1221 expired instantly.

Command: Neutralize D-9021. ( D-9021 was fitted with ballistic armor. )
Amount Paid: $985
Results:SCP-XXXX manifested behind D-9021 and remained motionless for 3 seconds before moving in front of the subject. SCP-XXXX proceeded to use its stock to repeatedly beat the ballistic visor until the subject was rendered unconscious shortly during this attack and was terminated once SCP-XXXX was able to create an entry wide enough to fit its muzzle and fire. Despite enduring damage which would otherwise destroy most wooden stocks, SCP-XXXX reappeared at its original position with no visible damage.

Command: Neutralize D-3333 (D-3333 is located in Site-19, over 4600 km away from Site-08.)
Amount Paid: $1121
Results: Camera feed of Site-19 showed SCP-XXXX manifested behind D-3333 and fired once at the subject's jugular vein. D-3333 expired within 2 minutes. SCP-XXXX reappeared once D-3333 ceased vital signs.

Command: Neutralize D-9836 (D-9836 is buried 2m underground in a container with oxygen support and Foundation supervision.)
Amount Paid: $910
Results: SCP-XXXX manifested directly above the ground where D-9836 is buried. It remained still for 10 seconds before reappearing in its original position and expelling the full amount it was paid.

Command: N/A
Amount Paid:$1000
Results: SCP-XXXX immediately pointed itself and locked its bolt at Researcher Palacio after currency was inserted into its compartment. Researcher Palacio immediately put his hands in the air in surrender and slowly backed away until he had left the room. SCP-XXXX expelled the $1000 and entered its dormant state once the room had been vacated.
Note: Upon inspection of the currency given to SCP-XXXX, it was discovered one of the $100 bills was a counterfeit.

Command: Neutralize ████████ ██████.
Amount Paid: $1300
Results: Though the exact details of ██████'s death are unknown. Foundation spies planted in the GOC were able to confirm the target's death. SCP-XXXX reappeared within 2 minutes of its assignment.
Note: ██████ is a former Foundation Agent who has joined the Global Occult Coalition and has been confirmed to be selling Foundation secrets to the organization. This command was authorized by the O-5 Council in order to test SCP-XXXX's efficiency at assassinating priority targets. Further use of SCP-XXXX for the aforementioned purposes have been restricted and personnel found to be issuing similar commands will face immediate disciplinary action.

Command: Neutralize SCP-682.
Amount Paid: N/A
Results:N/A
Note: SCP-XXXX's compartment appears to be able to hold nearly infinite amounts of currency, as it had already been offered $1,000,000 before Researcher Palacio requested additional funds from the Accounting Department.

NOTICE FROM SITE-08 ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENT

Normally I would send the automated denial of funds request, but I was just so curious as to why you would need $1.5 trillion for an 'extermination'. What kind of rats do you guys have down there?

— Stanley Nichols, Accounts Payable Site-08

Command: Incapacitate D-4012's movement.
Amount Paid: $474
Results: SCP-XXXX manifested a distance before D-4012 and fired once and the subject's right knee. D-4012 is currently unable to utilize their right leg.
Note: It's interesting to note that it takes lesser sums for maiming than killing. -Researcher Palacio

Command: Render D-4012 unconscious.
Amount Paid:$300
Results: SCP-XXXX manifested behind D-4012 and angled itself as if it were being used as a bat, with its muzzle acting as the handle. It swung, impacting against the subject's head and knocking them unconscious for four hours. SCP-XXXX returned to its original position 3 seconds after D-4012 hit the ground.

Command: Neutralize D-3508 (D-3508 is located in LMaImb-Area-32.)
Amount Paid: N/A
Results: SCP-XXXX expelled all currency put into its compartment and ignored repeated attempts of the same order.
Note:

Command: Neutralize D-4012 via center mass shot.
Amount Paid: $1005
Results: SCP-XXXX manifested before D-4012 and fired twice at the subject's chest, penetrating the heart and left lung. D-4012 expired from its injuries in 2 minutes, and SCP-XXXX reappeared in its original position afterward.

Command: Neutralize D-4000 without firing.
Amount Paid: $1100
Results: SCP-XXX manifested behind D-4000 and used its stock to swing at the base of their neck, rendering them unconscious. The object continued to swing itself against D-4000's neck until the subject's cervical vertebra had pierced the skin. SCP-XXXX disappeared and manifested in its original position after 3 minutes.

Command: Neutralize D-032, leave no witnesses.
Amount Paid: $2100
Results: SCP-XXXX manifested in front of D-032 and D-1010, who sat facing each other in an adjacent room. D-032 was shot through the neck while D-1010 attempted to escape by fleeing towards the door before being shot in the cranium. SCP-XXXX then disappeared from the adjacent control room, reappearing in the Site-08 Security Room and opening fire on Officers Manluis and Camille. Both were monitoring the security camera feeds of the Site-08 Testing Wing before being attacked.

NOTICE FROM THE FOUNDATION ETHICS COMMITTEE

At this point, it should be obvious that SCP-XXXX is deadly. 58 D-Class, and now 2 Foundation personnel have been killed by an otherwise inert object. Though I understand it was not the intention of Researcher Kravitz to kill his fellow employees, this event cannot be ignored. Not only are we senselessly throwing lives at it, but money as well. To date, about $1.2 million has been spent on testing with SCP-XXXX and for what?

Consider other avenues of research.

— Sigmund Fischer, Ethics Committee

Infinite Luxury Coffee Grinder/Maker Combo (APP Inc ®)

Item #: SCP-XXXX

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures:

Description:

APP Inc Meeting Efficiency Booster 2.0

Item #: SCP-XXXX

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: When not in use, SCP-XXXX is kept in its original packaging within a locked container in Site 55's Secure Item Storage. Access to SCP-XXXX is restricted to personnel with Level-3 security clearance and above.

Description: SCP-XXXX is a metal frame suspending 7 balls functioning as a pendulum; colloquially known as a 'Newton's Cradle'. Each ball possesses a white letter, spelling 'APP INC'. SCP-XXXX was contained in its original packaging the instruction manual of which is available in Addendum 2. The packaging contains two styrofoam bricks, designed to keep the object from moving while in transit, and presumably to prevent accidental activation of its anomalous properties.

When a ball at either end is pulled sideways and let go, it will impact the second ball and come to stop, then causing the ball on the opposite side to swing in an arc before coming back down and causing the original ball to swing; thus repeating the process until manually stopped. This action creates a temporal anomaly which affects the room SCP-XXXX is operating in, creating a time dilation effect. Though time will continue to be perceived as passing normally within a room affected by SCP-XXXX, time will move at about 1/10th of what is normal.

Watches, phones, and other time-keeping devices will also perceive time to move at the same rate. SCP-XXXX's effects may continue indefinitely, but can be stopped by halting the momentum of the balls and allowing them to come to a complete stop.

Addendum 1: Testing Logs

Test **
Description:
Results:**

Test 1
Description:
Results:

Outsourced Customer Service Call Center Solutions (APP Inc ®)

Item #: SCP-XXXX

Object Class: Keter

Special Containment Procedures: The building in which SCP-XXXX is located has been purchased and seized by the Foundation. A field research station has been set up within the building, and four redundant emergency power generators have been installed to ensure SCP-XXXX does not suffer adverse effects from the common electrical outages in the area.

Due to the immense financial burden of overhauling Boudewynn Security Installations' marketing campaigns and the widespread dosage of amnestics required to erase all public records of SCP-XXXX, the Foundation has instead opted to allow the anomaly to remain operational; though under heavy supervision.

Description: SCP-XXXX is the collective designation for the sales/customer service hotline for the company 'Boudewynn Security Installations' (BSI) and the anomalous entities and objects which operate it. The hotline and the aforementioned anomalies are currently located in a Foundation-seized property in Kolkata. SCP-XXXX may be contacted by dialing '1-800-BDYNSAFE'.

Upon contacting SCP-XXXX, a female voice with a Hindi-Accent (SCP-XXXX-1) will greet the subject and offer options, which are listed below.

Number Key	Option	Notes
2	Scheduling	See Experiment Log
3	Product Information	SCP-XXXX-1 will provide detailed information on BSI's services concurrent with availalbe information on the company's website.
4	Estimates	SCP-XXXX-1 will inquire upon the extent of the subject's needs and provide an estimation of fees.
5	Complaints	SCP-XXXX-1 will inquire upon the nature of the complaint and will offer varying amounts of compensation and apologies. Additionally, SCP-XXXX-1 will provide callers with BSI's Legal Department's information should the need arise.
6	Repeat Options	SCP-XXXX-1 will repeat all options available.

SCP-XXXX-1 is a human female of Indian descent placed in suspended animation. The entity floats within a tank of an unknown opaque yellow liquid and has various tubes inserted into its ears, mouth, nostrils and anal cavity. The tubes inserted to the entity's mouth and anal cavities lead to two tanks in the North East corner of the building; both of which are labeled 'waste' and 'Class B Nutritional Replacement' respectively.

A metal headpiece with multiple wires connecting to SCP-XXXX-2 is fastened to the entity's head, under which their brain is visible. Though the entity is capable of complex communication through the hotline, it has not been recorded to stray outside of using typical sales and customer service verbiage and tone. SCP-XXXX-1 has been identified as Prafula Basu, who was reported missing in Barasat in 2016.

SCP-XXXX-2 is an APP Inc. branded computer with a built-in modem, which is currently locked with a thumb-print key. As previously mentioned, SCP-XXXX-1 is connected to SCP-XXXX-2 by means of a headpiece attached to the entity's cranium. It is currently believed that SCP-XXXX-2 houses the memories and personality of SCP-XXXX-1, as well as inside information on Boudewynn Security Installations. During an early stress test of the object's capability, the Foundation utilized 300 simulated phones to contact SCP-XXXX-2, which did not affect its performance.

No attempts to open or otherwise tamper with SCP-XXXX-2's components are permissible due to the unknown effect it may have on SCP-XXXX-1. Attempts to duplicate the thumb-print capable of unlocking the anomaly have resulted in failure. Due to concerns regarding SCP-XXXX-1, proposals to hack SCP-XXXX-2 have been denied by the Ethics Committee.

Addendum 1: Interview with Michael Harris
A team of Foundation Field Agents was dispatched to determine the level of knowledge Boudewynn Tile Installations possessed on SCP-XXXX. Three agents tracked and interviewed Michael Harris, while the fourth posing as janitorial staff infiltrated the company's headquarters in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

+ Show Interview

Interviewed: Michael Harris, COO of Boudewynn Security Installations

Interviewer: Field Agent Allen

Foreword: Boudewynn Security Installations is the largest professional security camera installer in the American Midwest, with two additional locations in Canada. The subject was apprehended while leaving a local coffee shop.

<Begin Log>

Allen: Hello, Mr. Harris. Please sit down, I have a few questions I would like to ask you.

Harris: Jesus Christ, who the hell are you people? Are you with the government?

Allen: Please cooperate, Mr. Harris. The sooner we can get this over with the sooner you'll be back on your lunch break. I would apologize for your suit, but you did not heed my command. (In reference to Harris' coffee-stained suit)

Harris: O-Okay… Sorry I tried to run, I got scared…

Allen: What can you tell me about your current customer service contract?

Harris: Is this what this is about? Look, it was getting expensive to keep our in-house staff going, especially right now. We just opened a location up in Canada and it's not doing so well.

Allen: So, correct me if I am wrong, you outsourced your customer service?

Harris: That is correct, yes. Some guy approached me and offered 24/7 customer service for almost half of what the company was paying before. Forgive the cliche, but it was an offer I couldn't refuse.

Allen: I see. What do you know about the conditions of your current customer service team?

Harris: I think it's somewhere in India. Truth be told I never bothered looking into it much, but the staff they have there seems to be doing a pretty good job at doing things. From what I was told, it looks like they've got it pretty good compared to most. Catering, lax dress code…. Why is this important, uh, sir?

Allen: I can't get into specifics. Tell me more about the individual who approached you with this offer.

Harris: I… Well, he was very well dressed. The suit he wore looked absurdly expensive… I can't remember the company he represented… I think it started with an A…

(Both are silent for 10 seconds)

Harris: If I remember correctly, his name was with a company named 'APP.'

Allen: Can you tell me anything about the details of the contract?

Harris: I can't really remember much. I had all the company's policies, sales numbers, estimate formulas, all the bells and whistled lined up in a lengthy series of emails. When policies change or things like that happen I send another.

Allen: To whom do you send these emails? The APP representative?

Harris: No, I send them directly to the customer service team lead; I can't recall her name.

Allen: Very well. Thank you for your time.

<End Log>

Closing Statement: Harris was administered Class B Amnestics and released. Agent Roberts infiltrated Harris' office within the BSI corporate building during the interview and secured a copy of the contract and financial information between both parties. APP Inc's financial institution appears to be located in Switzerland. Investigations into the financials of the company have been temporarily placed on hold.

Addendum 2: SCP-XXXX-1 Communication Attempts

+ Show Communication Attempts Log

All communication attempts with SCP-XXXX-1 have been attempted through the 'Scheduling' option, as it provides the least static replies. All recorded dialogue in the attempts below begin after the caller has pressed the 'Scheduling' option.

Test 1
Caller: Dr. Wilde

SCP-XXXX-1: Okay, very good! Are you a new or returning customer?

Dr. Wilde: Uh, new?

SCP-XXXX-1: Okay! What is your location, sir?

Dr. Wilde: Actually, I wanted to ask you something.

SCP-XXXX-1: That is no problem, sir. Are you requiring information about our products or an estimate?

Dr. Wilde: No, I wanted to ask about you. What is your name?

SCP-XXXX-1: My name is Prafula, now how may I have your location?

Dr. Wilde: Prafula? What is your last name?

SCP-XXXX-1: Sir, please, I am trying to get your installation set up as swiftly as possible so you may return your day.

Dr. Wilde: Where are you located?

SCP-XXXX-1: Sir, I am trying to inquire that information from you.

Dr. Wilde: Prafula, do you know where you are?

SCP-XXXX-1: Sir, I apologize but I must terminate this call as you are incurring hold times for other customers. Should you decide when you want your installation done, please give us a callback, okay? Bye-bye!

<Call was disconnected.>

Note: Dr. Wilde was advised not to address SCP-XXXX-1 by its designation and instead use its chosen name. Additionally, Dr. Wilde was advised to attempt to keep a degree of normalcy.

Test 2
Caller: Dr. Wilde

SCP-XXXX-1: Okay, very good! Are you a new or returning customer?

Dr. Wilde: Returning.

SCP-XXXX-1: Okay! What is your location, sir?

Dr. Wilde: [DATA EXPUNGED] (Dr. Wilde provided SCP-XXXX-1 with the address to Superior Canned Produce, a Foundation front company in Wausau, WI.)

SCP-XXXX-1: Sir, I regret to inform you that I am not able to schedule anything for you at that location.

Dr. Wilde: What? Why is that?

SCP-XXXX-1: I cannot say, sir.

Dr. Wilde: I'm afraid I don't understand why.

SCP-XXXX-1: Sorry, sir, but I will be releasing this call now to accommodate other customers.

<Call was disconnected.>

Note: The Wasau BSI facility was contacted via walk-in by Field Agent Hart following the call. An installation was successfully scheduled despite SCP-XXXX-1 claiming it not to be possible. It is currently speculated this denial of services was done due to APP Inc wishing to avoid the Foundation.

Test 3
Caller: Dr. Wilde

SCP-XXXX-1: Okay, very good! I'm pretty sure you're a returning customer, is that right?

Dr. Wilde: Yes, this is not my first time calling.

SCP-XXXX-1: (Laughing) I thought I recognized your voice!

Dr. Wilde: Oh, okay. Is it possible for me to schedule an installation of security cameras somewhere else?

SCP-XXXX-1: Absolutely, sir.

Dr. Wilde: Alrighty, I would like to install them at [DATA EXPUNGED] (Dr.Hart provided SCP-XXXX-1 with the address of his mother-in-law, who lives in La Crosse, WI.)

SCP-XXXX-1: Okay, let me see what I can do.

Dr. Wilde: Why is it that you can schedule a set-up for this address but not the one I gave the other day?

SCP-XXXX-1: Sorry, sir, I'm afraid I cannot provide you with an adequate answer.

Dr. Wilde: That's fine, thank you, Prafula.

SCP-XXXX-1: May we move on to your desired date, sir?

< Strenuous dialogue was removed>

< END LOG>

Note: BSI employees arrived at the time and location specified to SCP-XXXX-1. The installation was carried out without incident. Following extensive testing, the security video feed was found not to be monitored by an outside source by Foundation safety specialists.

Test 4
Caller: Dr. Wilde

SCP-XXXX-1: Okay, very good! I think I recognize your voice, is this Mr. Wilde?

Dr. Wilde: Yes, hello, Prafula.

SCP-XXXX-1: Are you looking to schedule another installation?

Dr. Wilde: I was hoping I could ask you some questions.

SCP-XXXX-1: I'd be happy to help with your security installation needs, Mr. Wilde.

Dr. Wilde: Actually, I wanted to ask you something. Are you feeling well?

SCP-XXXX-1: Mr. Wilde, I do not understand. May we get back to discussing the scheduling of your installation?

Dr. Wilde: Prafula, your body is mangled inside of a suspended animation tank. Your brain is hooked up to a computer in a warehouse. Do you know anything about this?

(Both are silent for 4 seconds)

SCP-XXXX-1: Sir, I am forced to disconnect this call as you are not being professional.

<Call was disconnected.>

Note: Dr. Wilde was ordered to address SCP-XXXX-1's anomalous nature. During the silence between both parties, SCP-XXXX-2 emitted a loud beep and SCP-XXXX-1 was observed to become physically tense for the duration of the beep. Testing of SCP-XXXX-1 is currently suspended.

Cowboys vs Dinosaurs

The only known image of Temperence, NV before its disappearance.

Item #: SCP-XXXX

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: A 2km area surrounding SCP-XXXX's archeological site has been designated as a nuclear test site. Civilians entering the perimeter are to be intercepted and administered Class A-B amnestics before being released at the nearest population center.

All recovered artifacts and fossils relating to SCP-XXXX are to be stored in Site-11's Intensive Care Object Storage. All personnel assigned to SCP-XXXX must complete a two-week course on proper handling of prehistoric items and geology.

Description: SCP-XXXX is the group designation for the archaeological remains of the town of Temperance, Nevada and its citizens, which have been dated to the late Cretaceous period.

At the time of disappearance, the calculated population consisted of about 70 civilians, 20 horses and other livestock, and an unknown amount of travelers dwelling within. The town's few buildings included a saloon, sheriff's office, trading post, general store, and various domestic buildings along the town's main street.

The conditions under which Temperance disappeared are currently unknown, and it is believed to have manifested in its relative geographic location 66 million years ago. The fossils of several small to medium dinosaur species have been found within SCP-XXXX, but only approximately 23 townsfolk's remains have been found. It is currently believed that most of the subjects transported to the were neutralized by the dramatic increase in oxygen, with the reminder eventually succumbing to various factors.

SCP-XXXX was discovered in 1862 by gold miners searching for ore veins. Foundation field agents were dispatched to confirm anomalous activities in the area, and amnestics were administered to all civilians involved.

Unused Stuff and Resources

Command: Salute.
Amount Paid: $30
Results: SCP-XXXX aimed itself overhead and fired a three-volley salute into the ceiling. No personnel were injured in the incident.

Command: Turn on the computer. (in reference to a laptop 2m away)
Amount Paid: $2
Results: SCP-XXXX moved towards the laptop it was assigned to interact with and pointed its muzzle down at the 'start' button, gently pressing it down before moving back to its starting point. The computer powered up without incident.

Command: Write a poem.
Amount Paid: N/A
Results: SCP-XXXX expelled all money put into its compartment and refused repeated attempts of the same order.
Note: Maybe XXXX isn't the creative kind. - Researcher Palacio

Command: Paint a circle using red paint on the canvas in this room.
Amount Paid: $34
Results: SCP-XXXX moved towards the canvas on the opposite side of the room, then dipped its barrel into the provided bucket of red paint. It then proceeded to crudely outline a circle on the canvas. Once the outline was done, SCP-XXXX disappeared and manifested in its starting position, completely clean. An examination of the barrel revealed no traces of pigment or oils found in paint.

Command: Transcribe this poem (The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost) on the laptop. (Same computer used in prior experiments)
Amount Paid:$45
Results: Researcher Palacio placed the sheet of paper containing the poem beside the laptop after issuing a command. SCP-XXXX moved towards the table upon where both items laid. It stood still for 10 seconds before pointing its barrel at the isometric joystick and using it to maneuver the cursor to open a writing app. SCP-XXXX then spent seven minutes using its barrel to type the poem. Upon finishing its task, the entity moved back to its starting position.

Command: Write an analysis of The Road Not Taken.
Amount Paid: N/A
Results: SCP-XXXX expelled all money put into its compartment and refused repeated attempts of the same order.
Note: It seems SCP-XXXX functions like a robot, doing only what it is assigned to and not understanding abstract tasks. -Researcher Palacio

Command: Make cookies utilizing the ingredients on the table. (Butter, sugar, eggs, vanilla extract, chocolate chunks, flour, baking soda, and salt were provided alongside the necessary tools)
Amount Paid: N/A
Results: SCP-XXXX expelled all money put into its compartment and refused repeated attempts of the same order.

Command: Beat two eggs in the bowl.
Amount Paid: $8
Results: SCP-XXXX approached the carton of eggs and hovered overhead for 4 seconds before proceeding to use its barrel to knock the provided bowl to the floor. SCP-XXXX opened fire, attempting to use the force of the fired bullets to flip the bowl right-side up. After three attempts, the bowl landed appropriately and SCP-XXXX moved it near the table. It then positioned itself by the carton of eggs, using its barrel to roll eggs off the counter and down to the bowl below. After two eggs impacted with the bowl on the ground, SCP-XXXX used its barrel to 'beat' the eggs; shell still included. Due to the structural damage suffered by the bowl during SCP-XXXX's attempts to correctly position the object, the contents were spilled onto the floor. SCP-XXXX disappeared and manifested in its original position, with its barrel free of egg yolk. No personnel were injured in the incident.

Command:
Amount Paid:
Results:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Newton%27s_cradle
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mayfly
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Time_dilation

+ Addendum 3: Experiment 44-A

Foreword: 6 D-Class personnel (D-1 through D-6) were placed in a secure testing room alongside 20 instances of SCP-XXXX. The testing room was equipped with six desks, computers with no internet access, chairs, and a sleeping bags as well as nutrient bars and water to last 48 hours. Experiment 44-A will test the effects of SCP-XXXX in a controlled environment for an extended period of time. The longest observed gathering of subjects affected by SCP-XXXX prior to Experiment 44-A was 10 hours.

Time Elapsed	Observed Effects
00:00	Experiment Begins
00:05	First D-Class is affected by SCP-XXXX; D-6, can be seen approaching others and offering to shake hands.
00:22	All subjects are under the effects of SCP-XXXX.
00:38	Subjects organize a meeting in order to discuss the creation of their new company.
01:05	D-3 suggests the company focus on freight and delivery, to which the other subjects agree.
01:20	D-2 suggests the company be named "D-Liveries", to which the other subjects agree.
1:44	D-5 is appointed Chief Executive Officer of D-Liveries. The other subjects applaud for 6 minutes.
2:12	D-1 is appointed Chief Financial Officer of D-Liveries. The other subjects applaud for 7 minutes.
2:34	D-4 is appointed Chief Operating Officer of D-Liveries. The other subjects applaud for 6 minutes.
2:50	D-2 is appointed Chief Contracting Officer of D-Liveries. The other subjects applaud for 8 minutes.
3:16	D-6 is appointed Chief Administrative Officer of D-Liveries. The other subjects applaud for 5 minutes.
3:33	D-3 is appointed Chief Data Officer of D-Liveries. The other subjects applaud for 4 minutes.
3:45	D-5 suggests a 'corporate brunch', to which all the other subjects agree to. The subjects consumed one nutrient bar and water bottle each while commenting on the poor quality of their office's catering. D-4 suggested a change of catering specialists, to which all subjects agreed to. Their meal lasts an hour.
5:02	D-5 orders the subjects to 'get to work' and 'draft a killer business plan'. The other subjects agreed and began working at their computers. Recovered documents consisted of typical jargon used by subjects affected by SCP-XXXX, with few mentions of D-Liveries and
Non-formatted cell	Non-formatted cell
Non-formatted cell	Non-formatted cell

+ Document XXXX-8568: Interview with William Heider

Interviewed: William Heider

Interviewer: Researcher Hart

Foreword: Heider is the CEO of █████, a highly traded and profitable company specializing in mobile technology. The subject had been exposed to SCP-XXXX on an almost daily basis for approximately 4 years before Foundation intervention. Heider was monitored for 3 months following the removal of the anomaly from his office but displayed no change in behavior. The subject was captured and taken to Site-55 for an interrogation and evaluation.

<Begin Log>

Researcher Hart: Good evening, Mr. Heider. How are you feeling today?

Heider: Well, Slim, I haven't had my afternoon coffee so I can't really say I'm at one-hundo! But hell, it's been a good while! How are the kids? How is the wife? How is the mistress? (Heider laughs, wheezing before patting Researcher Hart on the back.)

Researcher Hart: I'm not married, nor do I have children, but I did want to talk to you about your company and the ideas you have for running it. Do you believe there to be a particular source of your ideas?

Heider: This is one hell of a weird place for an interview, Ted. Usually, there's couches, coffee, and cameras, not this bull shit. (Heider points at the overhead lamp and knocks on the steel table of the interview room before continuing.) But I guess I can talk. You look like you've got the makings of a tiger. Maybe we just have to send you to charm school before you can get into management, eh?

(Both are silent for 5 seconds.)

Heider: Alright, alright. So look, I wasn't always the top dog and █████ wasn't always the biggest fish in the pond. We were in a real whore's market out there, lots of companies out there betamaxing the big guns… Chicken shops were turning actual profits! Can you believe that? So anyway, I started to lock myself away in my office so I could stir fry some ideas in my think-wok… Everyone thought I was CPB'ing, but the rats sure like to talk while the cat's not around, you know what I'm talking about?

Researcher Hart: Yes.

Heider: (Laughing) Oh, you're a real hoot, Mike! You've got upper management written all over you. So as I was saying, I started getting all these ideas. I got rid of all the cowboys, clocksuckers, and peons, and kept only my fiercest tigers. My top dogs; my aces! I started getting the boys in suits to court some deep pockets; a dial and smile campaign. I made the bean counters cook some books so we could afford to take some Uncle Moneybags out for lunch and put lipstick on our pig. And wouldn't you know it, it worked! All gold, all the time!

Researcher Hart: Would you say that something, in particular, influenced your way of thinking in your office?

Heider: Hell, I don't know. Wasn't the god damn wallpaper, that's for sure. Maybe it was the coffee. Stella brews a mean cup of Joe!

Researcher Hart: One more question, if you will.

Heider: Anything for you, Stan.

Researcher Hart: What are your thoughts on this item?

(An instance of SCP-XXXX within a sealed glass case is brought into the room.)

Heider: That's there's an office plant, slim. Had one in my office until a while ago. Are you trying to pitch a sale right now? Because let me tell you, Rick, I'm one tough customer!

Researcher Hart: Thank you for your time, Mr. Heider.

<End Log>
Closing Statement: Heider was examined by medically trained Foundation personnel for signs of brain damage and other cognition-impairing conditions. The subject was found to be in good health, save for the permanent effects of SCP-XXXX. Heider was administered Class C amnestics at the suggestion of Lead Researcher Moon. A follow-up interview was conducted with the subject, revealing the effects of SCP-XXXX had disappeared following the use of amnestics.

Update 1: 3 months following the release of the subject, █████ stocks were found to have dropped by 67%, leading to a financial crisis for the company. It is currently unknown if the removal of SCP-XXXX's effects is responsible for the massive drop in profits of █████.

Update 2: An instance of SCP-XXXX was found in the personal office of Jeffery Kozak, the CEO of █████'s main competitor. The instance is believed to have been introduced to the office in early 2016, five months before stock in the company began to increase at a highly accelerated rate before reaching $1,175 per share in January 2018. Research into the possible benefits of SCP-XXXX for a company's profitability is currently ongoing.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Fairbank_year_1890.jpg
temperance image source

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Footnotes

1. All public documents regarding Zachary Taylor's original running mate, Henry Clay, disappeared with SCP-XXXX's manifestation. The only existing documentation of the Taylor-Clay 1848 ticket is part of an internal Foundation news bulletin from Site-19.

2. SCP-XXXX will not accept items such as jewelry or checks.