Lobster Thing

Informal Name: The Joke-Cracking Lobster

Item #: SCP-TLM

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-TLM is contained within a Class-73 Crustacean Station within Site-551. A level 2 researcher is to conduct an interview with SCP-TLM once a month and are to record all attempts at humor from SCP-TLM.

Description: SCP-TLM is a member of Homarus americanus (American lobster) that is capable of speech and has human level sapience. SCP-TLM identifies themselves as the current most popular comedian at that point in time. For example, on April 15th, 2016, SCP-TLM, identified themselves as Louis C.K..

SCP-TLM wears a white tuxedo, and has had their left claw replaced with an apparatus that functions like a normal microphone, designated SCP-TLM-A. SCP-TLM will always speak into SCP-TLM-A when speaking. SCP-TLM-A will raise SCP-TLM's voice, despite there being no speakers nearby.

SCP-TLM was discovered within [REDACTED], KS after reports of a lobster having a "roast battle" with a patron of a bar were noted. SCP-TLM was successfully captured by Foundation operatives, and witnesses were administered Class A Amnestics.

Interview Log:

Interviewer: Researcher Erwin

Interviewed: SCP-TLM

[BEGIN LOG]

Research Erwin: Greetings, SCP-TLM. How are you doing tod-

SCP-TLM: Why did the policeman smell bad? He was on duty.

Researcher Erwin: …

Researcher Erwin: Is Amy Schumer very popular today or something?

SCP-TLM: Hey man, I'm only trying to make a living to support my lobster kids, and you're here making a mockery of my way of life.

Researcher Erwin: Oh, I'm sorry, TLM, please, do continue.

SCP-TLM: (Sniff) Okay, here it goes. Knock knock?

Researcher Erwin: Wh-

SCP-TLM: "Who’s there?” … “Control freak." Okay now you say, "Control freak who?”

Researcher Erwin: We're done here.

[END LOG]