Item: SCP-4694
Object Class: Keter
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-4694's business operations, communications, product lines and Associates are subject to covert monitoring by Operations Group Goza (OGG).
Figure 1: Morphy Richards Turbo Steam iron model 40694 (AKA a “Likeness.")
Associates and SCP-4694-L instances should only be contained where:
- An imminent Disassociation Event is suspected regardless of Foundation intervention.
- A Disassociation Event and/or civilian impact is not a consideration.
Where necessary for research purposes, SCP-4694-L instances should be kept in secure sense-proof containers at the site most local to recovery. Research must follow OGG protocols.
Under no circumstances should contained Associates be made aware that they have been removed from SCP-4694, nor should they be encouraged to take any action or hold any views that might be at odds with those of SCP-4694.
Description: SCP-4694 is the designation given to PryMaid, a para-dimensional, retro-causal Multi-Level Marketing company.
Central to its identity are strong elements of cult worship and idolatry of the as-yet unidentified chief executives (so-called "Cherished Leaders"), via symbolic "Likenesses" (see Figure 1).
SCP-4694 Associates are not fully inducted into the organisation until they have been "Recognised" at dedicated conventions. Once this occurs, family units are encouraged to view the Cherished Leaders as the main father figures, and to bring children in to the PryMaid organisation through standard reproduction. Where this is not possible (for example where the Alpha male is infertile) these will typically undergo involuntary role realignment.
Recognised Associates may receive anomalous incentives, bonuses and penalties for over/under-performing.
SCP-4694's retention rates are significantly higher than a typical mundane MLM’s, with very few members willing to speak against the organisation, much less take active steps to leave. In most cases autonomous attempts to leave SCP-4694 (and pre-emptive extraction attempts by the Foundation) cause a "Disassociation Event" (DE) months, weeks or days later, impacting both the extractee and their downlines.
NB SCP-4694-S (see Figures 2 and 3) is present in all Disassociation Events.
| Date |
Location |
Civilians Impacted |
Days until DE |
Notes |
| 2015-09-02 |
Modena, Italy |
16 |
389 |
Victims found hanging from trees in a public park. SCP-4694-S found etched onto the uppermost, northernmost windows at each victim’s residence, to which a mixture of Colgate toothpaste and octopus ink had been applied. Same mixture found in the rectums of 13 of the victims (significance unknown). |
| 2015-10-01 |
Fort Collins, US |
72 |
102 |
Victims found strangled with their own tongues before being skinned. Skins used as bedsheets. SCP-4694-S found written in chalk on all bathroom ceilings. |
| 2016-05-3019 |
Warsaw, Poland |
157 |
3 |
Victims found deceased in a burnt-out apartment together with fourteen adult Bengal tigers. Post-mortem examinations conclude that 1) the victims were part-eaten, part burnt to death 2) the tigers were under the influence of LSD 3) SCP-4694-S had been sewn into the skins of the victims in strips of asbestos fabric. |
Discovery: SCP-4694 first came to the Foundation's attention in March 2013 following a series of global mass disappearances, suicides and murders at which SCP-4694-S was found.
Dedicated monitoring flagged a cluster of SCP-4694-S references in and around the Greater Washington, DC area in October 2014, and again in Tokyo, Japan in November 2014. These coincided with "Recognition Day" conventions held by PryMaid, an organisation that (according to all financial databases that the Foundation has access to) did not exist beforehand. Of note, PryMaid's corporate trademark is a direct match with SCP-4694-S. This was not flagged up as a match prior to November 2014.
Figure 3: Recovered PryMaid promotional material
Covert monitoring of PryMaid Associates began in December 2014, with active infiltration commencing in February 2015. As with other MLM companies, Associates are encouraged to garner new recruits from existing social, familial and business relationships. As a result, Foundation resources are able to embed themselves into known Associates’ social networks with relative ease, and on 2017-01-03 field agent Aaron Zachary became a downline of PryMaid New Associate Colleen Brampton.
On 2017-06-30 both attended a Recognition Day in Las Vegas, US and this was covertly recorded by Agent Zachary.
The following audio-visual log includes a short soundfile which has been deep-scanned and verified as safe for listening. IMPORTANT: If any discernible speech is heard after the 00:17 "personal message from the Cherished Leaders" mark, please report to your line manager immediately.
Location: Las Vegas Convention Centre, Las Vegas, Nevada, US
Date: 2017-06-30
Notes: Abridged to remove extraneous mundane footage. All recording is poor quality until the 00:31:42 mark, at which both video and audio become clear.
00:31:42
Agent Zachary and Colleen Brampton are standing in the front row of a large auditorium with a semi-circular stage immediately in front. A Caucasian female in a business suit identified as Janey Goodwill is addressing the audience, standing at the middlemost of three podiums.
"PryMaid" is projected onto a large screen behind the presenter, with aspirational images appearing periodically.
Janey Goodwill: - but that's why you're here right now. You're here to be recognised. You're here for Recognition Day.
Audience cheers.
Janey Goodwill: You'll know PryMaid, and you'll recognise - and be recognised by - other Recognised Associates. Today - this beautiful sunny Las Vegas day - you and your descendant/ascendant genetic material contemporaries will be forever bonded with the PryMaid family. It's like carrying a photograph of your wife or husband in your wallet or purse, but it's with you all the time. It's kinda like a secret handshake… But don't just take my word for it… Because…
Audience hushes
Janey Goodwill: Because…
Audience becomes silent.
Janey Goodwill: Because… I have three very very very special guests here right now… I think it's fair to say I idolise these amazing, caring, generous guys. I think you will too. Thing is, they're kinda shy. Can you do something for me?
Audience cheers.
Janey Goodwill: I need all cell phones, all cameras, all recording equipment turned off. No exceptions, no excuses. We'll know if you don't.
For approximately thirty seconds there is low level noise as a large number of cell phones are switched off.
Janey Goodwill: Thank you all. Now if you've taken any analgesics today, prescribed or otherwise, or you are under the effects of any form of nociceptor, thalamus or somatosensory cortex inhibitors please make your way to the back of the auditorium where a designated helper will be able to assist. No exceptions, no excuses. We'll know if you don't.
For approximately five minutes there is low level noise as a number of the audience move to the back of the auditorium.
Janey Goodwill: Okay guys… Are you ready to meet them?
Lights in auditorium start to dim. Audience erupts into applause and cheers.
Janey Goodwill: I said (shouting) are you ready to meet them? They've come a long, long way to be with us here today. So please, please, please give it up! Come on, make some noise! Let them know you love them!
Audience responds rapturously, including Agent Zachary.
All lights in the auditorium switch off.
At the 0:33:33 mark, various spotlights switch on and "sweep" over the audience before coming to rest on three central podiums. Atop the podiums sit three Morphy Richards Turbo Steam electric irons, facing outwards the audience. Various PryMaid soundbites play over a simple loop. The audience cheers throughout.
Voiceover: PryMaid: the generation of Happiness.
Voiceover: PryMaid is the world's fastest growing company, with more than three million Associates in the US alone.
Voiceover: Recognition Day is our way of saying, "Thank you" for believing in us, but even more, "Thank you" for believing in… yourselves.
Voiceover: Recognised Associates combine mindfulness, holistic well being and a wealth of other on-point paradigms to help themselves and their loved ones become more than they ever dreamt possible.
Voiceover: As a recognised Associate, you'll take part in self-affirming positive action such as Family Blessings, Corporate off-world learning opportunities, and, if you're an infertile human male, familial role repositioning.
Voiceover: PryMaid: the generation of Happiness.
Voiceover: And now, a personal message from the Cherished Leaders…
At the 0:35:06 mark (the commencement of the designated sound file), the video cuts out and further recording is audio only. There is no further dialogue, but a non-repeating distortion pattern/possible vocalisation pattern commences and increases in volume over the next two hundred and twenty one hours. The audience (including Zachary) responds with enthusiastic applause throughout. Associates exposed to the recording refer to motivational soundbites that appear tailored to their individual psychological needs.
From 221:07:34, approximately once every twenty six seconds there is a seven second burst of sibilance from an unknown source together with brief, subdued vocalisations of distress and inaudible positive affirmations.
At 280:26:02, an individual can be heard pleading for two minutes. The remainder of the audio consists of prolonged vocalisations of extreme distress over repeated bursts of sibilance and fragments of sentences from another individual, possibly Janey Goodwill, requesting or noting "water" or "more water," "her eyes" or "rise," and "blessed."
The recording ends at the 368:21:44 mark.
There has been no further contact with Colleen Brampton. Her known eighteen downlines (with the sole exception of Agent Zachary) were found deceased in a tyre dump in Slough, UK three days later. Cause of deaths: Sudden, traumatic increase/decrease in air pressure within lungs.
Agent Zachary was placed under covert monitoring and amnesticised to remove all knowledge relating to the Foundation (with appropriate Residual Identity Realignment). Within three weeks he had recruited his wife, three children and extended family into the PryMaid organisation. On 2017-10-30 Zachary was taken into Foundation custody and given designation SCP-4694-POI-0577.
The following is an excerpt from a series of interviews relating to his experiences within PryMaid.
Date: 2017-11-11
Location: Site-83
Interviewer: Lead Project Parapsychologist Dr Jacob Bufirst
Interviewee: SCP-4694-POI-0577 (also referred to as former agent Aaron Zachary)
Dr Bufirst: Hi Aaron. Today I'd like us to go through a typical day. Your answers will help shape our understanding of how new Associates respond to our programs.
SCP-4694-POI-0577: That means a lot. Okay, what day is it today?
Dr J Bufirst: Wednesday.
SCP-4694-POI-0577: Yeah, Wednesdays are special. Wednesdays we go through the Family Blessings.
Dr J Bufirst: Fantastic. Please describe the Family Blessings in a way that a newcomer would understand.
SCP-4694-POI-0577: I call it "Brand Loyalty." Cyndie thinks it's in bad taste but whatever. They're like mini Recognition Days but just for us - myself, Cyndie, the kids. You have to work at being part of the PryMaid family. Like a marriage. The Cherished Leaders are the figureheads. Must admit it took some time to set everything up for the Blessings, but once it was done, it was done. Almost got cold running water installed in the basement. Went with an icebox in the end. Easier.
Dr Bufirst: Why the basement?
SCP-4694-POI-0577: It's not so much a problem now the whole neighborhood's doing the Family Blessings too, but the basement was the easiest to soundproof.
Dr Bufirst: Soundproof?
SCP-4694-POI-0577: Kathy - our youngest - she's the worst squealer in the world; even seven years old kids are smart nowadays. I kinda feel they’re still too young to understand. We’re not allowed to hurry things up or get it over with, which of course the kids pick up on. So Kathy first, then our other two, then Cindy, then me. It really helps us gel as a family. It’s like carrying a photograph of your wife in your wallet, but it's with you all the time. That’s amazing, isn’t it? And you don’t get that without a few tears along the way.
Dr Bufirst: You mentioned an icebox?
SCP-4694-POI-0577: Yeah that's for after the Family Blessings - after we've used the Likenesses. We're allowed to use ice afterwards. Ice and shrinkwrap. Stops clothes sticking afterwards, stops infection.
Dr Bufirst: Right. How… How exactly do you "use" the Likenesses?
SCP-4694-POI-0577: Probably easiest if I show you.
SCP-4694-POI-0577 stands up and starts to unbutton his shirt.
SCP-4694-POI-0577: When you know where to look you can see the Cherished Leaders everywhere. And of course it’s a two way thing. We all have the Likenesses in our homes. They watch over you in the kitchen, in the car, in the shower. Sometimes though that isn't practical. Damn buttons are in the way. This way the Cherished Leaders are always with you, always.
SCP-4694-POI-0577 fumbles with shirt and exposes torso, chest, shoulder and upper arms.
Dr Bufirst: You look normal enough. What am I looking at?
SCP-4694-POI-0577: I have to show you. I have to want you to see or you won't see. You won't recognise. Give it a couple more seconds. You starting to see? Looks beautiful on the kids. You remember I call the Family Blessings ”Brand Loyalty?” Well this bit's “Brand awareness.” Emphasis on brand.
Silence for seven seconds.
Dr Bufirst: Jesus God.
Agent Zachary Aftercare: Zachary is currently undergoing treatment for 2nd and 3rd degree burns across his torso, arms, legs and face. He has asked for access to an SCP-4694-L instance so as to continue the Family Blessings. Request is currently pending approval from the Ethics Committee.
Figure 5A: Agent Zachary post-Family Blessings
Addendum 1: On 2018-11-27 the Foundation was approached by Hui Yin Zhao, a PryMaid low level Associate, to aid her defection from the group. Despite disinhibitor/clawback amnestic treatments she has been unable to account for her knowledge of the Foundation's existence.
Extraction and reclassification to SCP-4694-POI-912 was completed on 2018-12-16. On her person was a Televono Telefex Vivisect 4 smartphone (Pink Edition). Zhao claimed that this had been given as a reward for hitting sales targets, and allowed her to access to her contact's thoughts. This item was lost in transit to F-Labs, presumed breached.
It is hoped that through extensive research SCP-4694-POI-912 will inform the Foundation's response to SCP-4694's threat; it is particularly noted that her defection from SCP-4694 has had no correlating Disassociation Event.
SCP-4694-POI-912 has cooperated fully with the Foundation’s investigations and has volunteered information regarding anomalous incentives and rewards for achieving various PryMaid targets. These include a four day sponsored trip to an unidentified location given as a reward for informing on five negative thinkers (see Figure 5 for itinerary details). Prior to this she was given instruction in covert field recording and instructed to take footage of her experiences wherever safe to do so.
| Negative Thinker |
Reason for Reporting |
| Soong Li Yin |
Failed to perform Family Blessings on two non-consecutive occasions. |
| Tao Fang |
Did not "like" an upline's social media post. |
| Jiàn Nian Zhen |
Complained on three occasions of hunger. |
| Sīshì Yáng Yàn |
Did not attend a HappyFun PryMaid sponsored social event due to a family bereavement. |
| Chú Qiáng Jūn |
Omitted to notify her upline of a new birth in the family. |
Figure 5: Itinerary hardcopy
Vacation, Day Three
Date: Not Known
Location: Not Known
0:16:37
HYZ is walking silently with three “guides” towards a large factory complex. Ambient light levels suggest dusk or dawn. It is raining heavily.
The factories are in a state of disrepair. Unidentified contaminants cover the walls. There are no windows. Both audio and video quality progressively deteriorate as she approaches the main entrance.
The words, “Learning Camp V-SC LC-B7-M49-T957-H777” are written in five meter tall neon letters across the length of the closest structure.
Guide 1: The V stands for Virgo. The H stands for “Hundred.” The middle you can work out for yourself.
As HYZ nears the entrance, ambient noise levels increase. She experiences breathing difficulties and has to stop. She wipes her face and looks at her hands, noting that they are stained with black-grey smudges.
SCP-4694-POI-912: What is it?
Guide 1: (laughter) You’re not used to it! Come on…
Soot from the factory chimneys starts to fall with the rain, partially obstructing the camera lens. She makes an attempt to secretly wipe the glass but stops; the rest of the footage is blurred.
00:21:09
Factory interior. HYZ is walking down the length of a long hall. Her breathing is laboured throughout. PryMaid motivational catchphrases are played on a loop via speakers spaced along the walls. For as far as can be seen in all directions, there are people working at benches. It is unclear what they are making. All appear to be in a state of exhaustion, malnutrition and fear. When one collapses, the workers either side strike them until they return to their duties. This is repeated throughout..
SCP-4694-POI-912: I don’t – who are they all?
Guide 1: Stinky Thinkers. The rotten cores. The Cherished Leaders know down to the nth generation who the lost causes are. They get rid of them. They bring them here before they can spoil it for everyone else. They’re not quite there in your region yet. Look for yourself.
HYZ slowly approaches the closest worker, a female between 30 and 50 years of age. At first she huddles over her work and does not notice the newcomer. After approximately five seconds she looks up at HYZ. A look of bewilderment then fear crosses her face. She stands up unsteadily, then lurches towards HYZ, grabbing her arm.
Worker: I know you. I know you. Help me. Help me.
Guide 2: (laughing) Get off her, Rotten Apple!
The eight closest workers, all female, cower and start to cry. Guide 1 steps in between the worker and HYZ and prises the other’s hands away.
Worker: Help me. They’ve got my daughters, my granddaughters. Please make them let them go. We haven’t done anything. We haven’t -
SCP-4694-POI-912: I know you. You’re – you’re – Nian Zhen? No. No. No. This is wrong. This is wrong. Get off me. Get her off me.
Worker: Please. Make them let them go. Please.
SCP-4694-POI-912: I want to go. I want to go.
Guide 1: (dragging worker away) No more work for you today. Limb pruning for you (laughs).
Guides 2 and 3 escort HYZ away from the factory floor. The females referred to as Nian Zhen’s eight descendants are set upon by the other workers.
SCP-4694-POI-912: I don’t understand. How - ?
Guide 3: The Cherished Leaders know to the nth generation. The nth generation.
HYZ collapses onto floor; the guides can be heard laughing.
00:26:34Recording stops.
Date: 2019-01-12
Location: Beijing, China
Interviewer: Lead Researcher Dr Jiang Bao
Interviewee: SCP-4694-POI-912
Extraneous Audio Omitted.
Dr Bao: Tell me about day 3: "Time is Consequence and All the Honoured Taken." Specifically the Learning Camp.
SCP-4694-POI-912: It’s not a happy memory. It rained. It stank of… Raw eggs? I couldn’t breathe. The guides said the Learning Camp was full of the ones that had nothing left to give. Which is everybody, sooner or later.
Dr Bao: Okay. So what exactly was the camp for?
SCP-4694-POI-912: Imprisonment. Slave labour. I don’t condone what I saw. It was on the itinerary. I don't speak or read English, I didn't know what any of it meant. I didn’t want to be there. I had no choice.
Dr Bao: Understood. What were they doing?
SCP-4694-POI-912: Making Likenesses. Hundreds and hundreds of thousands of Likenesses. Nothing else. Just Likenesses. I thought I must be going insane. And then… It was horrible.
Dr Bao: Take your time.
SCP-4694-POI-912: I saw a woman, my age. I think they planned it that way. She was - I couldn't believe it. I don't even know how I knew it was her - She was -
Dr Bao: Nian Zhen? One of the negative thinkers you'd reported.
SCP-4694-POI-912: Yes - Nian Zhen – she grabbed me, they dragged her away. But it couldn’t be her. It was impossible. Can we stop soon? I feel -
Dr Bao: We can take a break any time you like.
SCP-4694-POI-912: Thank you… The guides said, “The Cherished Leaders know to the nth generation.” That's what they said. “To the nth generation.”
Dr Bao: What do you think that meant?
SCP-4694-POI-912: I don’t want to think about it.
Dr Bao: It's okay. There are tissues in the box there.
Extraneous Audio Omitted.
SCP-4694-POI-912: I wish I had known. I wish I hadn't reported Nian Zhen. I hate what I did.
Dr Bao: Do you believe her? That her children and grandchildren were there too?
SCP-4694-POI-912: I believe her. But it’s impossible. Nian Zhen is my best friend's youngest daughter. She's only four years old.
Addendum 2: On 2019-01-21, routine documentation scans found eighty seven unauthorised edits to SCP-4694’s containment procedures and description, including hidden white text, zero point text, hidden links and expungements. These were traced back to Lead Parapsychologist Dr J Bufirst and on 2019-01-31, same was removed from his post and taken into Foundation custody as a saboteur.
Date/Time: 2019-01-31 13:10
Location: Site 31, Secure Interview Suite 93C9872FF
Interviewer: [[DATA EXPUNGED]]
Interviewee: Ex-Lead Project Parapsychologist Dr Jacob Bufirst (re-designation pending)
Notes: The views, comments and motives of Dr Bufirst have not been verified, do not constitute viable empirical evidence and do not currently inform Foundation opinion.
Interviewer: Can you tell me why you did it, Jacob? All those edits.
Dr Bufirst: Revelation. The truth is the truth. You're blind to it.
Interviewer: What you’ve done – we, we’ll have to mention this in the documentation. This interview will have to be in the documentation. What were you thinking?
Dr Bufirst: I was making you see.
Interviewer: See what? Some childish pseudo babble? "And behold, the Alien Gods are one and many and none" Jesus, Jacob. Low level trolling at its laziest.
Dr Bufirst: It's Dr Bufirst until the moment you slap an SCP-4694 designation on me… I failed. It happens. Different people are chosen for different things I guess.
Interviewer: And what were you chosen for?
Dr Bufirst: Low level trolling. Obviously.
Interviewer: Can you answer the question?
Dr Bufirst: You must have wondered why the Foundation was getting all these breadcrumbs. Global murders, for Christ's sake. I was chosen to offer the Foundation an exciting business opportunity. All those lovely alternate dimensions that the Foundation has access to. More fertile ground for those hungry, hungry electric irons. In exchange, you get to keep yours.
Interviewer: I'll have to get back to you on that. Assume it's a "no" for now.
Dr Bufirst: With all due respect, you're not the people I'm talking to.
Interviewer: You know how tight on infohazards we are are. Why even bother with this? Your unauthorised edits took about six seconds to fix. Anti-memetics have given the docs the all clear.
Dr J Bufirst: Who said it’s memetic? Or even anomalous at all? What if PryMaid is just that good? I did some tests at home. Grew some penicillin on a stale piece of bread. Played the PryMaid jingle once an hour, every hour. The penicillin grew towards the sound.
Interviewer: “All life is the same.”
Dr J Bufirst: See? You're quoting PryMaid like a veteran. All life is the same. If you just embraced it, let it be part of you, you’d see.
Interviewer: I'll pass. According to one of our extractees, everybody is destined to end up working as slave labour in off-world PryMaid PryMaid gulags. For all eternity. And we have an infertile male agent currently undergoing sequential hermaphroditism, so that he can be a better wife and somehow have a child with an alpha male electric iron. That doesn’t bother you?
Dr J Bufirst: It would if I had doubts, or I was weak, or a Stinky Thinker. But I’m none of those things. Hui Yin Zhao, now she is in a world of shit – her and her descendant/ascendant genetic material contemporaries. Not my problem.
Interviewer: Duly noted. Can I ask you something else? Why electric irons?
Dr J Bufirst: Do you know how many Morphy Richards Turbo Steam irons have been sold globally? Millions. Besides - can you imagine trying to perform the Family Blessings with a bread maker?
Interviewer: Fine. Anything else you want to add before we wrap up this sorry mess?
Dr Bufirst: Well… there was one thing. Before you locked me up - against every ethical standard in the world, by the way - I was lucky enough to pop by V-SC LC B9-M6-T676-H822. Just a couple of days ago, in fact. Got a message for you.
Interviewer: Go on.
Dr Bufirst: You, your wife and your unborn twins say hi.
Addendum 3: On 2019-02-06, SCP-4694-POI-912 involuntarily breached containment in a Disassociation Event and is presumed lost. An SCP-4694-S instance was found in her containment unit, comprising of a low structure composed of the upper canines of 3,658 individuals. Ongoing forensic investigation has determined that all 2,540 teeth checked so far have come from persons sharing some form of familial or social relationship with SCP-4694-POI-912, and that these persons cannot be located.
Addendum 4: On 2109-02-31, Dr J Bufirst breached containment in a Disassociation Event. An SCP-4694-S instance was found in his containment unit, consisting of lipstick, corn syrup, ketchup and five litres of human sperm. Thirty two Foundation personnel are currently missing in action, presumed lost. SCP-4694-S instances have been found at all residences and/or on-site living quarters.
A search of Bufirsts’s residential property by MTF-Delta-68 resulted in the sudden unexplained loss of that unit. A further operation between MTF_Delta-67 and MTF-Beta-12 resulted in the recovery of a single Likeness (designated SCP-4694-L343) and the body of agent Aaron Zachary (see Figure 6). It is noted that Zachary is still alive in containment at Site-83 and has not been notified of his death.
Figure 6: Dr J Bufirt’s residential property and suspected Disassociation Event. Zachary’s forearm and SCP-4694-L343 in shot (subsequently contained at [DATA EXPUNGED]
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