Zebobez

A Complete Course in Anamath

Item #: SCP-XXXX

Object Class: Safe Euclid

(See Addendum XXXX-1 for justification for reclassification)

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXXX should be kept in safe-class storage at Site-73. Access to SCPs XXXX-1 through XXXX-6 is only allowed for testing purposes and may be achieved through written permission from two or more level three (3) researchers. Access to SCP-XXXX-7 through -11 may be given with signed permission from two level four (4) researchers. Access to SCP-XXXX-12 may only be allowed with written permission from three (3) or more 05 personnel.

No D-Class personnel may be taught any information contained in a book numbered above -2.

Psychological evaluations are to be given to any individual attempting to solve a “practice problem” from SCP-XXXX-3 through -11. If the individual is prone to mistakes, they must attempt the problem in a specially-designed facility at least 10 m from any other containment facility. No attempts at solving problems found in SCP-XXXX-12 may be made. If the individual is deemed conscientious enough (not prone to mistakes), the previous containment protocol is not indicated; however, the problem should not be attempted anywhere near a high-value/high-danger SCP containment chamber.

All instances of SCP-XXXX encountered in the field are to be disposed of through incineration immediately and without prejudice. This extends to any textbooks that may be disguised copies of SCP-XXXX.

If you think it might be SCP-XXXX, burn it. I don't care how costly textbooks are. Just think of the money people would lose due to damage control if the wrong person got ahold of SCP-12. -Dr. King

Description:SCP XXXX is a series of twelve (12) average-sized college textbooks, mimetically equivalent to textbooks covering remedial college algebra to advanced partial differentials. The only difference is that these textbooks teach “anamath,” or anomalous mathematics. Each one of these books, SCP XXXX -1 through -12, has a cover comprised of an anart drawing that has a relevant theme/effect related to the book’s subject matter. The words on the cover are in plain English, as well as most of the contents that do not directly have to do with anamath equations.

Viewing the contents of the textbook does not cause anything anomalous to happen; neither does understanding the procedures taught within. The anomalous properties of this series of volumes occur during the “practice your skills” segments commonly seen in non-anomalous mathematics textbooks. When a problem is worked, the subject doing the working experiences all effects associated with that specific problem and its derivatives.

These can include:

• Reversing the rainbow
• Causing intense pain
• Creating/destroying objects
• Dimensional transfer
• Creating a sudden and intense craving for Ben and Jerry's Cookie Two-Step Ice Cream

As difficulty increases, so does the effect of “working” the practice problems. The most complex partial differentials can cause XK-class events.

Any mistake made while working a problem will cause a disaster with an intensity equal to the level of the problem’s effect; examples include exploding, disappearing, or turning into a potted plant.

The symbology used by the textbooks to represent mathematics is almost completely identical to that of typical math. However, there are a number of special variables/symbols that seem to be the source of the anomalous effects of worked problems. These can range from color-coded versions of regularly-used variables (such as X, Y, and Z) to strange, unique symbols that have definition only within the world of anamath.

Learning higher levels of anamath from these books is impossible without reading the ones before; typical mathematical concepts cannot be transferred.
A list of the books and what they teach.

SCP Designation	Book Subject	Anart Cover	Effects
SCP-XXXX-1	Remedial Anamath: Pre-Algebra	A picture of a group of kayakers in the Grand Canyon who move from the upper left corner to the bottom right, repeating this motion every five (5) seconds.	Healing of papercuts, slightly blurred vision for several seconds
SCP-XXXX-2	Remedial Anamath: Algebra	Two cars that collide at random intervals, exploding into fireballs, creating noise.	Creation of single ripe banana, transportation of individual several feet in a random direction.
SCP-XXXX-3	Anamath: Geometry	A pop-up of a square that stretches and slides with the rotation of the book.	Creation/destruction of small amounts of matter, changing the size/weight/mass of an object in small ways.
SCP-XXXX-4	Anamath: Algebra II	A mathematical matrix filled out with images of people who appear to move around and talk to each other	Creation of objects that pose various cognitohazards, warping of reality to a small degree in many different ways.
SCP-XXXX-5	Anamath: Trigonometry	A beach made of infinitely-small triangles, upon which waves are crashing.	Location of objects with precision, minor local changes to the laws of reality.
SCP-XXXX-6	Anamath: Pre-Calculus	A sentient math teacher who is designed to be an amalgamation of all math teacher clichés; only his face appears when the book is closed. He is noted as SCP-XXXX-6-1. He does not actually know anything about math. He does, however, possess knowledge about the origin and properties of SCP-XXXX, which makes him a kind of “guardian” of the volumes. (See interview XXXX-1)	Powers equal to that of a low-level thamaturge.
SCP-XXXX-7	Anamath: One-Variable Calculus	A goblet-esque object that can take an object/idea/concept and change it to related objects/ideas/concepts	Powers equal to those of a mid-level thamaturge. After incident XXXX -a1, no attempts shall be made to understand/solve problems of this level or higher by any except D-Class personnel.
SCP-XXXX-8	Anamath: Multivariable Calculus	A swirling pool of liquid with two drainage holes equal distance from the edges of the book. The water has been tasted by D-XXXX, and described as “bitter.”	Powers equal to those of a high-level thamaturge. Warning: mishandling problems can result in severe personal injury and local space-time damage. After incident XXXX-b1, no attempts will be made to solve/understand any higher layers of these mathematical concepts.
SCP-XXXX-9	Anamath: Differential Equations	A parade of (dead) Fields Medalists; most have been deemed sentient and can recall facts about the life of the mathematicians that they represent.	Instant XK-class scenarios will be enacted if a single problem is mishandled. Due to this, the effects of correctly solving problems are unknown, but are believed to be extremely world-altering.
SCP-XXXX-10	Anamath: Statistics	A single D20.	Strangely enough, the effects of the problems in statistics do not change probability in any way. In fact, there seems to be no effect of anastats on any kind of mathematical reality. Addendum: it appears that, if anastats is used in a scientific peer-reviewed article, the article will be unable to be debunked and will, without exception, become a landmark in its field.
SCP-XXXX-11	Anamath: Linear Algebra	An infinite fractal that can be panned and zoomed.	Allows free transportation between universes. Further testing has been suspended.
SCP-XXXX-12	Anamath: Advanced Anamath	The cover for this book acts as a “bookshelf” for the other eleven books.	A moratorium on reading this book has been put in place ever since it was realized that world-altering scenarios can be caused by understanding of these concepts.

Incident A1: On 12/10/████
Dr. C████████ tried to integrate a red X and forgot that that the proper syntax was “drx” instead of “dx.” Her frame of reference was bisected and she now has awareness of two separate universes, of which she has a foot in each. To outside observers, it appears that only half of her exists at once; not a direct cut, but a patch-work sponge-like missing of information. Dr. C████████ has undergone heavy psychological testing and has been deemed ready and able to continue work. However, as the two universes she was bisected into drift apart, it is unknown if she will experience stress because of the effect. Further evaluations should be given on a regular basis.

Incident B1 On 1/3/████
D-XXXX (a forty-year old white male who used to be a high school math teacher before [DATA EXPUNGED])

D-XXXX was splattered across an alternate version of the D&D universe after making an unknown mistake in his calculations. Drs ████████ and ████████ complained of his presence in their D&D game, which was going on in the same facility. D-XXXX appears to be still alive and sentient, though he now resides solely in that fictional universe.

It should be noted that, if D-XXXX had been splattered across a non-fictional universe, much more damage would have been done. As such, testing higher levels of anamath should be performed with extreme discretion.

Interview XXXX-1

Dr. C████████ (before her mishap)
SCP-XXXX-6-1 (From here known as Mr. Teacher)

Dr. C: Who are you, and where are you from?

Mr. Teacher: Didn’t you learn about anamath in school? What kind of silly stuff are they teaching kids these days?

Dr. C: So, you are stating that I should know about your existence?

Mr. Teacher: Well, no. But I expected the American school system would have at least taught you up to AnaGeo.

Dr. C: AnaGeo?

Mr. Teacher: Anamathematical Geometry. Simple stuff, really.

Dr. C: So you’re saying that, in the universe you’re from, anamathamatcis is a normal thing?

Mr. Teacher: Normal? Of course! But it seems an uneducated bumpkin like you probably doesn’t even understand that.

Dr. C: What is the purpose of anamath?

Mr. Teacher: What is the purpose of any learning? To learn!

Dr. C: Can you teach me some anamath?

Mr. Teacher: I’m sorry. I wish I could. But I’m nothing more than a, well, [Mr. Teacher pauses] a janitor.

Dr. C: Tell me more.

Mr. Teacher: Read the book.
[From this point on, Mr. Teacher insists that Dr. C. read the textbooks, providing no new information.]

Addendum XXXX-1: After several instances of dangerous problems being solved incorrectly, and considering the raw thaumaturgical power granted by higher-level knowledge of these systems, SCP-XXXX is to be reclassified as Euclid. Considering the possibility that other copies of SCP-XXXX may, and probably do, exist in the world at large, agents in the field are urged to report sudden changes in the power level of local thaumaturges.

Jar of Noetic Jellybeans

Item #: SCP-XXXX

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: Undesirable instances of SCP-XXXX are to be kept in a locked container in Site 73 safe storage. These are to be sorted out from SCP-XXXX-B at a rate high enough to regularly stock the vending machines in Site 73 break rooms with desirable instances.

Desirable instances of SCP-XXXX are packaged into a bag with the SCP logo on it, labeled “Wonder Beans,” and sold in vending machines in break rooms across site 73. Testing on any unknown flavors/colors must be performed by D-Class personnel, as the threat of incapacitating a researcher for up to several weeks is to be avoided—see incident XXXX-4.

SCP-XXXX-B is to be kept in a specially-built apparatus in a standard safe containment cell that allows beans to be poured out of it at a reasonable rate for harvesting.

Description: SCP-XXXX is an assortment of multi-colored candies which appear to be Jellybeans, except for the logo of Dr. Wondertainment stamped on each individual piece. When consumed, instances of SCP-XXXX will cause the individual consuming them to experience an immediate, truncated, and highly subjective experience likened to “tasting” a noetic concept.

SCP-XXXX instances are contained inside a glass jar with Dr. Wondertainment’s logo inscribed on its side, identified as SCP-XXXX-B. The bowl has a bottom on the outside, but no discernable bottom on the inside. The level of jellybeans relative to the top of the chamber never changes, no matter how many jellybeans are taken out.

There are an infinite number of instances of SCP-XXXX, each one representing a noetic concept that has been, is, or will be conceptualized by the human race. Most concepts are common and understandable, but some rare flavors can impart specific, abstract experiences that encapsulate higher-level metaphysical topics. As more than a hundred “flavors” have been discovered so far, ranging from quick and painful to long, subtle, and complex.

When a concept is tasted, the subject who ingested the jelly bean will react in a manner related to the jelly bean’s “flavor.” These reactions range from apparent confusion to trepidation and discomposure. Reactions can last as long as a month, as described in incident SCP-XXXX-4.

Despite the possible intensity of the immediate experience, these jelly beans have never been recorded as causing permanent psychological or physical damage outside of accidents. This is in congruence with the ephemeral nature of actual flavor; these concepts linger, act, and dissipate in a way comparable to actual food.
A list of flavors and the reactions observed in mostly D-Class personnel is below. Incidents where non-D-Class personnel ate a jellybean and were “surprised” (in the non-induced form) are related as “incidents,” as opposed to simply defining the color’s effect. Each test is performed at one-week intervals.

The first three subjects’ accounts are summarized.

A list of subjects and their backgrounds:

D-XXXX-1: A Caucasian male who was a drug kingpin and [DATA EXPUNGED]

D-XXXX-2: A Somali male who was the leader of an international pirate group.

D-XXXX-3: A 65-year old Asian woman who brutally murdered her son after he expressed his dissent for her rule.

Subject	Color	Response	Guessed Flavor	Subject's Comments
D-XXXX-1	Red with white speckles	Subject displayed immediate pupil dilation. He appeared to have a blissful expression on his face before snapping back to reality. He appeared disappointed.	Attractiveness	It was like, when I was in middle school, and there was that girl I liked. When I saw her I felt like just then.
D-XXXX-1	Green with brown patches	Subject began chewing on his nails.	Plant Life	Reminds me of the Rainforest Café.
D-XXXX-1	Impossibly bright pink	Subject’s face relaxed and displayed a smile. Researchers and guards present were noted to smile in return. An investigation is ongoing to determine whether the jelly bean produced a temporal contagious memetic effect, or if this was simply a natural reaction of the staff involved.	Happiness	Reminds me of hopping on Molly.
D-XXXX-1	Black	Subject spit the bean out.	Black Licorice?	What the hell? Why is this the only real flavor?
D-XXXX-2	Deep red	Subject gritted his teeth. His eyes narrowed and his face displayed a classic expression of anger. About ten seconds later, after no motion, he appeared to snap out of it.	Anger	I was about to kill someone.
D-XXXX-2	Black with orange spots	Subject reeled and collapsed into a sitting position.	Confusion	I once had a rocket blow up next to me. Felt like that.
D-XXXX-2	Bright orange	Subject’s head jerked backwards.	Explosions	How are my teeth still in my mouth?
D-XXXX-2	Half green, half red, split down the middle.	Subject appeared surprised for an instant.	The concept of an accident	I thought the light bulb broke. Why is it still here?
D-XXXX-3	Appeared to be shimmering.	Subject said: “Whoa.”	The concept of depth	Is that why I have two eyes?
D-XXXX-3	An outline of a jellybean with no visible center.	Subject froze rigid for almost an hour.	The concept of existential horror	[Incoherent babbling] After which, the subject refused to talk about her experience.
D-XXXX-3	A jellybean with mold on it.	Subject began to cry uncontrollably.	The concept of death	God takes us all.
D-XXXX-3	A jellybean that floated 1-2 cm above the subject’s palm.	Subject exhaled deeply.	Bernoulli’s law	I thought my son wasn’t learning anything useful …

Incident XXXX-1
Dr. A██████ discovered SCP-XXXX-B on her desk one morning, replacing the ordinary candy bowl that she kept there for courtesy. When she reached in and took a handful, eating it, she was observed screaming in what others reported as “mad happy terror.” After the event, Dr. A██████ displayed no lingering trauma. SCP-XXXX was transferred to safe-level containment.

Incident XXXX-2
Dr. Bright got ahold of a Ziplock bag of SCP-XXXX. After rounding up a group of new researchers, he challenged them to play what he called “BeanBoozled: Containment Edition.” This game ended up causing two of the five players to request transfer to a different department. Dr. Bright was reprimanded.

Incident XXXX-3
Dr. D█████ requested that the foundation stock vending machines at Site 73. Permission was granted, though with the caveat that each bean color had to be identified and tested before being placed in the mix; this sorting was performed at first by D-Class personnel, and then an optical sorter bought with Dr. D█████’s personal funds. Beans such as “explosion,” “pain,” and “hatred” were filtered out to avoid incident.

Incident XXXX-4
Dr. D█████ consumed an unknown bean that had slipped into a bag he bought at the vending machine. After eating it, he returned to his office, and did not leave for three and a half weeks. When he finally let someone in, it was discovered that the office was filled with fecal matter in diapers and two-liter bottles of urine. The bean was deduced to be “concentration.”

Dr. D█████, at the end of the three and a half weeks, had completely revamped the Foundation cybersecurity systems with protocols that have yet to be cracked, even by the Foundation’s most skilled cybersecurity experts.
Use of the “concentration” bean to further productivity is being researched.

Incident XXXX-5
A select group of beans were searched for their active compounds. The result was a small explosion that spread the beans’ effects throughout the room where the research was being conducted. Further research into the bean’s active compounds is thought to be impossible.

House with Floor of Lava

Item #: SCP-XXXX

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXXX is lived in by three (adult) foundation personnel, including one researcher and two guards. As this SCP exhibits no anomalous properties when exposed to adults, it has been deemed a suitable living quarters for those dedicated to protecting it. The windows have been barred and the door has a triple-lock system and is reinforced with steel.

Every year, during Halloween, one of the residents of SCP-XXXX must sit outside of the door and hand out candy from the porch. Under no circumstances is a child allowed to see through the door.

Description SCP-XXXX is a house located in ████████, Nebraska. Its layout is common to the 1950’s suburban era, and was built during that time period.

SCP-XXXX, when entered by an adult, appears to be a tastefully-furnished living space whose only strange factor is a large number of couches, tables, and chairs spread around the interior. No further anomalous effects are observed in this scenario.

When a child of ten (10) years or younger enters the house, the door will close and lock from both sides. The floor will start to heat up, and after approximately a minute, will turn into liquid magma. If the child has not climbed onto a piece of furniture by then, they will sink and die.

At this point, the interior of the house expands to the size of several city blocks. The chairs, tables, and flat surfaces multiply to produce a lava parkour course, of which the objective is to reach the other side without touching the lava.

Up to six children have been observed to participate in this “game” at a time; see incident report XXXX-1.

When children are in the front yard of SCP-XXXX, they experience an urge to enter. Thus, protocol Get Off My Lawn has been enacted, with non-lethal deterrents placed at strategic locations around the house.

As it is impossible to test this SCP with D-Class personnel, all further research is disallowed.

Incident XXXX-1
Six children, all boys, were having a birthday party sleepover inside of SCP-XXXX when it manifested its properties. Of the six that entered, only two survived. One was so traumatized that he lost his ability to speak. The other survivor, though burdened with survivor’s guild, seems to have enjoyed the experience, at least as much as someone enjoys skydiving or bungee jumping.

Military Grade Blanket Fort

Item #: SCP-XXXX

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXXX is to take the place of an emergency evacuation bunker within site 73. Its size is to be maintained large enough to fit fifty personnel and enough supplies for a month. Removal of the key components is to be performed during testing only, and are to be promptly returned to the bunker in order to maintain its integrity.

Access to SCP-XXXX is unrestricted. However, it may not be used for storage, and removal of key components without prior written permission from at least a level three (3) researcher will result in a reprimand.

Description SCP-XXXX is a blanket fort of approximately 10 cubic meters, made of non-branded blankets and couch pillows, anchored to two tables. Though the blankets, pillows, and tables have all been proven to have no anomalous properties on their own, when they are assembled into any kind of blanket fort, they gain an armor rating about twice that of the frontal armor of an M1-Abrams tank.

Every piece must be utilized in the construction of the fort in order for it to display anomalous properties. These are listed as: SCP-XXXX-A-1 through 3 (tables); SCP-XXXX-B-1 through -6 (cushions); and SCP-XXXX-C-1 through -3 (blankets.)

When ordinary blankets, pillows, tables, and couch cushions are used to augment and expand the fort, they also gain anomalous properties like the original components. There has yet been no limit to the size, weight, or number of components useable in the construction of a fort. However, since every piece of the original fort is needed for it to display anomalous properties, there is a limit of one super blanket fort at a time.
SCP-XXXX has been tested for the containment of several SCPs, but since there is only one, and a couple yards of concrete can do the same thing without the risk of SCP-XXXX falling apart, it has not been used in that regard.

SCP-XXXX was discovered after a drone strike against a supposed terrorist cell in Libya caught several families, with children, in the blast. When the rubble was searched, two children of ages eight (8) and ten (10) were discovered underneath SCP-XXXX. The local foundation agent was notified, and SCP-XXXX was recovered and put under Foundation control.

Alloy Sheep

Item Number: XXXX

Item Class: Euclid

Standard Containment Procedures: All one hundred and forty-five (145) instances of SCP-XXXX are to be kept in a standard animal containment shelter at Site 66. They are to be fed with pure iron ingots shredded into strips no more than 2 mm thick. In the event that anything other than pure elemental iron is fed to an individual sheep—most often during testing—the sheep that was fed the new element must be kept in an individual containment pen for six (6) months, or until its wool stops displaying anomalous properties.

Testing with SCP-XXXX can be performed with permission from a level 3 researcher.

Description SCP-XXXX appears to be a breed of sheep with metallic wool, similar in composition and feel to common household steel wool. However, these sheep are not limited to producing iron, or even metal wool. With the proper substrates, any kind of material can be produced as wool, ranging from pure nitroglycerine to the active ingredient in Tylenol.

Each individual sheep produces slightly different compounds when fed the same material. As organic matter contains thousands, if not millions, of different molecules, elements, and various food elements, all of which can be combined in an infinite number of ways, feeding of SCP-XXXX instances has been reduced to a single, pure element.

On 11/23/████, SCP-XXXX-23 acquired a bag of fertilizer that was being kept in an adjacent room after a janitor forgot to lock the door. This event went unreported; however, when SCP-XXXX-23 was being handled for a separate task, its wool exploded with the force of several hand grenades, sending the rest of its iron wool out like shrapnel. 3 personnel were injured, though no one died.

On 2/12/████, SCP-XXXX-120 was fed with uranium ore. The researchers expected it to be converted into a form of refined uranium and calculated the growth rate of the sheep’s wool to avoid reaching critical mass.

Two (2) Months later, it was discovered that SCP-XXXX-120 was actually producing plutonium wool. SCP-XXXX-120 was summarily terminated, and the plutonium reviewed. If the sheep had been kept alive for an extra seven to ten days, the plutonium would have reached critical mass, causing a small-scale nuclear explosion.