Per 
Initial Message
Requested from IRC, PM'd crit
Hey there
You asked in IRC if I could take a look at your Concept Forum Post for greenlighting, but I didn't get a chance to reply before you left.
Here are my thoughts on your Idea Crit Forum post
Story: none
This is sort of the glaring thing here for a couple reasons, but the big one is that the post needs to follow the structure given Idea Crit Forum Required Reading or a lot of critters are going to see this an incomplete post and won't give much feedback.
Just as important, though, if there is no story, than what is the article going to be? A few Series 1 survived by just being A Thing What Does A Thing but that was 10 years ago. Modern articles are heavily reliant on there being a story in some way, shape or form to create an interesting and cohesive article that people will want to read. With that being said, I also don't really see a whole lot of story that could be told with what is in the "pitch" as it stands. Its a piece of paper that you can rip people apart with by drawing them on it, right? Is there a reason you wanted to write about this, or any particular thing from which you drew inspiration?
If you update the idea forum post with the appropriate formatting, I'd be glad to take a look at it again. ^__^
~ZGResponse
OK. I have included a story and I would be grateful if you could check it out. The formatting: I do not see a problem with it? Or is the problem that i did not include a story.
Note
Staff locked Crit thread for duplicate post and original Crit thread does not meet requirements for forum posts.
I agree with fairydoctor's points in that I'd like to know generally how you intend to execute some of these things. There seems to be a lot of potential here for something amusing and clever if executed well, though.
A frosted donut that makes things that occur in it's vicinity [anywhere the donut can 'see'] go wrong or fail […]
Even with all of the implied events, this still feels like the core meat of this piece. Is there a particular story you want to tell beyond the "thing that does things in an unusual and amusing way?" Will the focus be more on the characterization of the researchers or the unusual ways the skip makes things go wrong?
[…] the object appears mysteriously in a senior researcher's locker and is discovered to be anomalous.
It can also be shaky territory with regard to clichés by having a skip just "appear" in a researcher's office without explanation. Do you intend to explain that as the result of some part of the skip's effects? Would it serve the same narrative end if the skip was found by a civilian instead and resulted in widespread havoc which garnered the Foundation's attention?
One of my concerns is that there'll be another SCP that is very similar to this one […]
If the bulk of the article is just a daisy chain of unusual mishaps until they figure out whatever formula the anomaly is operating on, then yes. There are a few articles like that already, and they don't typically do very well without a clever twist.
I'm afraid the article itself may become too cluttered with ideas as I write it, and more likely, a lot longer than I originally anticipated, due to a specific twist I have planned.
It sort of already sounds like it might be cluttered with a bunch of different stuff happening, but if its justified, unique, and interesting, then length isn't always bad. I'm more curious what the "twist" is and why it would draw the article out by a significant enough amount to cause you concern.
It sounds like you've thought out some of these things, but I would really like to know at least some of the details that have been withheld here before seeing this as a draft.
I hope this helped! Feel free to PM me if you reply or update the post and I'll take another look! I think there is the possibility for potential here, but its contingent on how you intend to make this idea stand out.
~ZG
Abandoned SCP Site Exploration Blog
So the big thing that immediate sprang into my mind is the similarity to things like SCP-1730 and the many exploration logs involving MTF Zeta-9 "Mole Rats".
That being said…
Taking this from the view of civilians going through an abandoned site could potentially be an interesting twist, but I don't see this working well with the rigid format of a main-list article.
[…] they end up discovering that something is still dwelling inside […]
Not every SCP has to have a number. Everything described in the Pitch and Narrative sounds like some type of Blair Witch style "jaunt through a spooky abandoned containment facility" Tale, and I actually think I really like the idea. I just keep imagining of a group of unwitting teens/young adults trying to piece together precisely what they've gotten themselves into. My question here would just be what do you have in mind for the anomaly they encounter?
An urban exploration blog with an SCP bent to it […]
Exploration logs and video transcripts can get tedious if not executed properly. How are you going to hold my interest as the reader? As far as setup, I highly recommend taking a look at things like 1730 and other "anomalous facility"-esque skips and tales to make sure you have a solid feel for what these people are in for (even if you already have, the refresher's always nice) and of course real experience trumps all, so if you watch a lot of urban exploration type stuff or especially if you've done any yourself, then more power to you! Lean into that!
Lastly,
It's meant to show how sometimes, due to circumstances, things can go horribly wrong and people pay the price for it, with nobody really to blame for what happened.
How do you intend to show that? Why is there no one to blame?
Overall, the idea here seems like an interesting premise, but I really want to know what you intend to do to make it stand out.
If you respond or update your post, please feel free to PM me or catch me in IRC and I'd be happy to take another look at it and discuss!
~ZG
Summoned from IRC
So first,
[+] A few questions…
The core premise of ‘A Goddess among us’ which is a humanoid entity that manifests itself anywhere on Earth.
- What exactly makes this entity a "deity," and a deity of what?
- How did the Foundation decide it was a deity rather than, say, a powerful thaumaturge or a reality bender?
Able to change her appearance and look's to match the general public area it had manifested in.
but then:
[…] several months later the same figure was spotted at a hospital within Boston […]
- Why wouldn't the entity just change its appearance?
[…] thanks to the glowing marks that leaked a light harmless gamma radiation trail […]
- How did the Foundation figure out they could track her this way? Were there reports of this elsewhere?
[+] The Narrative
The big thing I'm seeing here a series of events without very much narrative (that I can tell). There are a lot of ways that you can take this to take it above and beyond the "thing-that-does-a-thing" cliché, though. The biggest question I find myself asking right now is "Why?" Why does it do what it does? Why does the Foundation care? Why did it let itself be captured the first time?
Hook/Attention-Grabber: The theme and setting is historical, being involved in historical event in 1587
The hook should be the entire reason I (the reader) want to read your article. It is what you plan on holding my attention with. What is the historical event from 1587? Will you be leaning harder into that? Try asking yourself "what is the most interesting part of this story to you"?
As I said, there are a lot of different ways you can take this at the moment, and I really feel like what you've got so far is just a little too open ended, but if you can narrow in on a central story or theme that you want to emphasize, this could have a fair amount of potential.
Continued in IRC
18:22 <Tuk6> good i wanted to ask what you could elaborate a little more on what you mean by a little too open ended
18:23 <ZG1906> Tuk6 I don't see where the story goes. Like its the start of something and then things sort of trail off because the Foundation can't contain this entity. Does that make more sense?
18:24 <Tuk6> ya it does, helps me pinpoint what you mean
18:24 <ZG1906> Like there wasn't enough detail to really feel like I could get invested.
18:24 <Tuk6> in all truth i though a little mystery would help out making other interested in it
18:25 <ZG1906> Mystery is good in the article, but I think you've got to give a little bit more to get that interest in the idea crit just because there isn't the rest of the narrative to go off of yet for the critters
18:26 <Tuk6> what it mean is the scp can't be contain due to its anomalies ability to warp itself anywhere on or even off world, making containment nearly impossible, you know how some scp can teleport in and out of foundation custody, that's what I was planning on going for zg1906
18:27 <ZG1906> Okay, so that was one of the big points that I found myself asking the heavy "why?" What purpose does it serve to the story beyond making the thing hard to hold onto?
18:27 <ZG1906> Is there a reason?
18:27 <Tuk6> as in why it leaves foundation custody ya it has one
18:27 <ZG1906> And that is?
18:29 <Tuk6> it loves life on the planet, it loves traveling around the world seeing what humanity has to offer, help those who lives are in near death at a such a young and what its nature has as well, seeing it all as times goes on, and it can't do that within foundation custody. in a sense it's like a child in a wonder
18:30 <Tuk6> that why it refuses to remain in a site locked in a containment chamber made of concert decorated to look like a living space
18:31 <ZG1906> Okay, so that sort of begs the other question: What is this a god of? Is it a god, or a "god-like" being like a reality bender or thaumaturge? How does the Foundation know?
18:32 <Tuk6> it's god like, having abilites recording of warping, healing, devastating destruction once recorded I wouldn't make it an actual GOD, it's an alien in a sense
18:33 <Tuk6> towards humanity its god like ZG1906(I disconnected because of work and Tukapee logged off before I returned)
Idea Crit Dead Man's Feast
Hello!
-Crit
The biggest issue I have with this is that I don't see any real story happening. This pretty much just reads as a "Banquet Hall What Kills People" and doesn't seem to have any real depth to it. > There are a lot of ways you could take this, though. I just think its going to need more work as it stands in order to truly grab readers.So the question I have here is: why?
Why does it turn people into food slurry?
Why couldn't the Foundation locate it and just… not let anyone inside?
And on that note:
Why should I, as the reader, consider this horror?
While "being turned into food that other people then unwittingly eat" is certainly a creepy concept, its unfortunately been done quite a few times in a variety of media (the spirit feast from Spirited Away comes to mind). You also have to remember that this is the Foundation, where eldritch horrors are the norm and people get eaten unfortunately (but unsurprisingly) often. So this is going to need something a little deeper or more interesting happening to grab your readers' interest and really drive that "horror" part home.
Some advice I always give is if you find yourself having a difficult time expanding on the idea, you could always try asking yourself some sort of "out-of-story" questions as you go:
What made you want to write about this?
In your own opinion, what is the most interesting/scary/unique part of this idea?
What is the story you want to tell?
If you have answers to these things, leaning into those feelings/thoughts can make your writing both easier and more interesting to your readers who may appreciate those same things.
Overall, the idea is just a little to broad/bland at the moment for me, but its definitely one of those ideas that can be taken above and beyond on the wiki with the right mind and motivation, so don't give up on it, but definitely give it some more thought. ^__^
Good luck! If you have questions or want more feedback, feel free to PM me! Otherwise, I won't get notifications if you reply!
Initial Message (Draft Crit Requested from IRC)
My overall impression of the draft is relatively positive. I like the idea as a whole and thank you for introducing me to the idea of Ship's Cats! That's a whole thing I had no idea existed. >__<
There are some general notes I had while reading through the article, though.
-The short version
There are a number of areas which could be improved in tone. Grammatically, there seem to be a lot of short sentences that could be combined for a better flow and readability.I read through your Idea Crit Forum post, as well and I can see how some of the crit had an influence from idea to draft. The cat being immortal is something that can be implied by its lack of aging and constant reappearance without having to outright state "invulnerability" or anything of the sort. Cat's are generally good at avoiding harm, anyway, so it wouldn't be much of a stretch to just leave it at having peculiarly acute senses and reaction times. By presenting the cat as invulnerable the way the article does right now, there comes the contradiction of how the Foundation managed to get the GPS chip onto the cat. I honestly think it would work just fine to mention the displacement effect, the cat's lack of aging, and maybe some failed attempts to capture it before they managed to get ahold of it and chip it.
I don't think the Foundation would chip a collar, just because there is an incredibly high likelihood of the collar being removed for any reason, but they may use the collar/tags as a way to identify "marked" ships. Something along the lines of having the contact information on the tags lead to a Foundation monitored phone line which can be used to trace the call and verify the presence of the skip and information about the marked ship.
Also, in regards to invulnerability, the cat has been chipped by the Foundation, but the article also says that there have been no attempts to test the cat's "invincibility." I really just think by leaving the "invincibility" out entirely, the article can shed some clichés without losing anything.
The only other thing I felt was out of place is the interview log. While its amusing, I don't actually see much of a point in its inclusion beyond the joke and nothing would be lost from its exclusion, in my opinion. On the other hand, if there were more demonstrations of said interactions with the cat, this could become a more warranted addition and shift the general theme of the article to be a little more on the light-hearted/humorous side.
If you'd like a deeper crit, I'd be more than happy to do a line by line for SPaG and give some suggestions for improving the overall tone. It will just take a little longer to put together, but I'd be more than happy to help ^__^
Response
Hey, Thanks for the crit!
There are a number of areas which could be improved in tone. Grammatically, there seem to be a lot of short sentences that could be combined for a better flow and readability.
Yeah I struggle with grammar, it's something I'm gonna correct in a line by line.
I read through your Idea Crit Forum post, as well and I can see how some of the crit had an influence from idea to draft. The cat being immortal is something that can be implied by its lack of aging and constant reappearance without having to outright state "invulnerability" or anything of the sort. Cat's are generally good at avoiding harm, anyway, so it wouldn't be much of a stretch to just leave it at having peculiarly acute senses and reaction times.
I'm not sure if the sandbox is being buggy but it doesn't actually mention immortality within the article, and the invulnerability has been replaced by uncanny dodging abilities.
I don't think the Foundation would chip a collar, just because there is an incredibly high likelihood of the collar being removed for any reason, but they may use the collar/tags as a way to identify "marked" ships. Something along the lines of having the contact information on the tags lead to a Foundation monitored phone line which can be used to trace the call and verify the presence of the skip and information about the marked ship.
The idea is it's an injected microchip under the skin in the back of the neck of the Cat, it's common position for normal microchipping so I figured the foundation did the same with a GPS tracker.
Also, in regards to invulnerability, the cat has been chipped by the Foundation, but the article also says that there have been no attempts to test the cat's "invincibility." I really just think by leaving the "invincibility" out entirely, the article can shed some clichés without losing anything.
As before, I think these are things that got left in the draft that didn't make it into the actual article.
The only other thing I felt was out of place is the interview log. While its amusing, I don't actually see much of a point in its inclusion beyond the joke and nothing would be lost from its exclusion, in my opinion. On the other hand, if there were more demonstrations of said interactions with the cat, this could become a more warranted addition and shift the general theme of the article to be a little more on the light-hearted/humorous side.
The interview was actually added based on some crit I received to add some extra flavour to the article in general, I'm still mixed on my own opinion of it but waiting for some more crit to decide.
Thanks! I'll keep you in mind for Line by Line!
SCP-5469 (in-deletion)
Draft PostCrit posted in article
I was in the process of looking at the draft forum post for this when it went up and was called here from IRC shortly after.
I took a look at the concept post and it sounded like it had the potential to be interesting. It had a sense of turmoil, urgency, and a generally intriguing story to tell. The final product here feels like it strayed from that and just sort of fell flat for me because of it. This still sounds like the basis for something good, but it definitely needs some revising to get there.
+A few broad notes"
Narrative
As I said before, everything feels like it sort of fell flat by the end. The characters didn't feel very deep. The relationship between the investigator and the skip didn't seem very clear. I didn't really feel like there was anything noteworthy by the end. The concept had a lot of potential, but the execution sort of turned it into a "thing-what-does-a-thing" and I didn't really feel any attachment to the piece.
I felt like there was a lot of unusual detail that didn't really feel justified. The skip's appearance could have been anything: an amalgamation of ghosts (which is what I thought of while reading the concept post), a talking radio, a telepathic sandwich that projects the voices of the dead. I don't know that its appearance really made sense. Was there any particular reason for choosing a bear head? If so, that should be expanded on.
There were also a lot of redundant statements like the skip's height and the fact that it was helping solve these cases (although this is only stated as a growing set of numbers, rather than being made clear through the article). This leaves the core piece of the narrative (as I understood from the Ideas Forum post) feeling sort of secondary rather than the focus. The explanation of the skip's involvement with the detective and their cases felt so brief that it could easily be overlooked and the cases were being solved, but… how? The way that information is kinda glossed over makes it difficult to come to the conclusion that the collection of souls were the victims in the cases.
It's also not really clear why. What made this thing? How did the Foundation actually find it? Why didn't they find it sooner? What made it? I feel by the end that as a reader I am left with a lot of the wrong kind of questions. That isn't to say this is a bad idea, just that the execution doesn't seem to live up to the potential of the Idea that was Greenlit. With a little fleshing out, though, I wholly believe it could and I'd be more than happy to help out with any specifics or clarification on anything I've said.
Crit summoned from IRC sent via PM
So firstly, I'm no historian so I can neither confirm nor deny most of the accuracy of the information used in the draft, but what I can say is… holy crap. This was beautiful to read. The language is great, the tone is great, the consistency is great. I couldn't find any loose ends with any of the major points given. That ending is just something else. I noticed in your draft post that you mentioned this being your first article, but if I hadn't read that, I wouldn't have been able to tell. This was just overall a treat to read.
The only (minor) points of crit that I can think of are just that this needs a once-over for SPaG and that you might lose some less-patient readers with the high-level language, but that's not even an issue in my eyes as it absolutely nails "clinical" in every sense. I really don't think anything in the article could have been stated better. The list of related anomalous artifacts felt a little lengthy but made sense with the ending. You may also get a little flack for some obvious political undertones, but I really don't see that being much of an issue for the success of this article, either.
All in all, I really can't say much outside of the normal SPaG polishing. Bravo and good luck! ^__^
~ZG1906
